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Child Item

Delayed expectations

Jequ0n

I don’t know if this is the right forum for this so please move it it’s better suited elsewhere.

Got an unexpected message at the weekend that implies that I have a child, and I’m not sure what to do about it. So far I have ignored the message but I know I can only do this for so long. I obviously know who the message is from, and I haven’t had contact with said person for years. She had never contacted me before at all, and I didn’t know about this.

The message was far from friendly, and it made it clear that the woman opposes any contact between “her child” and me, but she thinks he will contact me on his own terms if she was to block contact and that she’d rather keep communication lines open.

I don’t really know what I am supposed to do here. She clearly wants me to stay away, but he doesn’t. I want to do the right thing which means not hurting others but I can’t see how I can do this here. To me it makes no sense to contact someone years later and expect them to play along..

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Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009601#Comment_119009601

Not the type of prank they’d pull

[Deleted User]

You've every right to feel annoyed, emotional or frustrated. It's a lot to take in.

If you have someone to talk to, a friend or professional you should take advantage of that.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009950#Comment_119009950

Maybe it's a prank pulled by your enemies?

All you have is a message from some number. Given you seem surprised the person has your number, I would assume there is a chance that you did not have hers

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009380#Comment_119009380

I have issues with control and rejection, yes. But at least I am aware of it and can work on it. This is not a good situation for me and testing.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009978#Comment_119009978

It wasn’t a text conversation but via the only social media platform by which I can be found.

Mhh..enemies…maybe.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009981#Comment_119009981

Of course it's a testing situation, it would be for anyone. But when you say she 'expects me to play along' it sounds like it's grinding your gears that in your mind she has control here. And that's what's making you furious.

It's an added component to the normal anger, surprise, shock or whatever feelings news like this would evoke.

So when deciding your next step, let the lack of control element go, understanding that it's not being done to deliberately wind you up. It's more the mother protecting her child.

Big Bag of Chips

But what are you not in control of?

The mother isn't asking anything of you. Nor is she prohibiting you from doing anything. She is simply giving you the information. With no expectations of you.

If you reply to her and tell her that you would love to meet him, I'm sure she will make it happen. If you reply and tell her you want nothing to do with her or him, she will manage that too. If you ignore her text completely, she will also deal with that. So you actually are in control here. You get to decide the next step.

The only thing you had no control over was her keeping the baby. But you got her pregnant. Once she was pregnant the choice was 100% hers to continue the pregnancy. Maybe knowing how much control, controlling situations and controlling people is an issue for you she felt that telling you she was pregnant would have led to you coercing her into an abortion she didn't want.

Right now you are still in control of what you do from this point on. She's not asking anything of you.

Baybay

As a parent, my first obligation is to my child. Perhaps this lady is not trying to control you or the situation but merely trying to protect her child.

You clearly have few feelings for each other & have had no communication for years, so why now? I think she’s probably had conversations with her son about who he is & where he comes from. He’s at that age. School projects, family trees etc. Kids chat amongst themselves too. He is curious about you, maybe about cousins, grandparents also.

She may have contacted you because she feels there’s an inevitability about her child getting in touch with you. She may have thought she’d have had more time. You will have had time to digest the information that you have a son & have considered what you might want to say to him or even if you want to say anything. Either way, your response now may go towards how she prepares her child for how his father may react to him. It isn’t always all about the adults.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010459#Comment_119010459

She is telling me clearly that she doesn’t want us to have contact. I understand why but it’s still a **** message to send someone after telling me about him.

Anyway. I won’t give her the satisfaction of reacting angrily and against her oh so holy wishes.

Edit: sorry and thank you. I’m lashing out.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010640#Comment_119010640

Thank you. He will never meet his paternal grandparents, even if that’s only good thing I can ensure.

shesty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119011445#Comment_119011445

Be careful.

I say this carefully, but as a parent, your child comes first. And being honest, this is a difficult thing to fully understand until a child arrives in your life.

She is protecting her child. You are lashing out, but I'll be honest, she will too if her child is affected badly. You've had no contact in years so clearly not an issue in the relationship department, but I suppose she is giving you a heads up that this child is probably now more savvy about the internet and the ways and means of finding things, maybe has been asking a lot of questions, and maybe there is a possibility that he will get to you somehow. She is giving you advanced warning of this -but she is also giving you advanced warning that she wants nothing from you and her preference is that (I guess) they have been fine so far and she'd prefer it to stay that way. Equally she knows she cannot control the child forever, and is trying to lay ground for this connection that might happen.

You might think it's a **** message, but as a mother myself - this isn't about you. It's about this kid and the potential that he might arrive out of nowhere into your social media or similar. She is simply doing her best to protect the life she has built for him, and to protect him.

I would fully expect you to run the full spectrum of emotions on receiving a message like that, and giving it time to settle in your head before responding in haste is no bad thing. This is not about the relationship you may have had with her, or the idea that you don't like to be controlled, or any of those things. This is about a 12 year old kid, putting his foot out into a wider world, asking questions of her that maybe she doesn't have answers for (or has answers he won't fully understand), and I guess she is trying to figure out somehow how to smooth the way here as best she can.

Take your time on it.

Neyite

One thing that few of us take into account is that children grow up to be adults. And they want to know about people they are related to, especially about family members that aren't in their lives. Or they want pertinent medical information as an adult. If you think about all the information you know about your dad as it stands right now, imagine how curious you'd be if you had none of that - good or bad.

Her son is at an age where fobbing off or white lies won't do any more. I'm sure she would have loved it if he never has had that curiosity and she never had to message you, but it sounds like she had no real choice. And actually, I really admire that she's thought about the potential impact on both of you that she's given you the heads up about something she knows will be out of her control in a couple of years, rather than burying her head in the sand and letting a shocked doorstep fallout between you happen.

So the objectives here are - firstly you don't want to cause hurt to the boy. That's a great starting point - and really the main thing that matters here. So you need to figure out what you might want - and that may take some time. Do you want to have a child in your life? Or do you want to satisfy his curiosity, answer his questions and then leave it there? That's for you to explore - preferably with a therapist. And judging by your last post, you seem to be aware of the fact that the wrong kind of parent can be detrimental to a child so again, being mindful of hurting the boy is a good thing. Also, it might be no harm to talk to adult children who were also searching for a birth parent, or read up on forums for adopted children and get some insight from their experiences

For now, potential options to you are:

Message her back, acknowledge your shock at the news, that you are processing it and that may take some time on your part. Thank her for the advance notice so that you can prepare for any eventual contact in such a way as to minimise any hurt to the boy. Then explore for yourself what that contact might look like for you.

Big Bag of Chips

When I asked what you were furious about, and what control you felt you had lost you said that she was controlling the situation and telling you clearly that she doesn’t want contact. But, this line is from your first post..

but she thinks he will contact me on his own terms if she was to block contact and that she’d rather keep communication lines open.

So, she is still giving you the option of contacting her, or not. She is opening that door. She wants nothing to do with you. She wants no communication with you. She wants nothing from you. She's not contacting you asking for anything. But - she acknowledges that her child will most likely try to contact you. And she acknowledges that while it wouldn't be her choice, she can't control his choice (forever).

She doesn't want anything from you. But something is going on with her son recently and she knows the day will come when he looks for you. And she wants to keep communication lines open rather than block all attempts at contact.

I think as the others have said. Taking time to digest this is a good thing. There's no immediate rush to respond. But I think your need to be in control of everything is making you see something from this woman that isn't there at all. She's not blocking all communication. She's opening communication, but also letting you know that she doesn't want anything (money, time, a relationship etc) from you.

Calahonda52

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Jequ0n

I know I won’t be a “parent”. He doesn’t need that and I am not capable of fulfilling that role. I am acutely aware that I’d be a dreadful influence entering his life at this stage.

But I have so many questions, and there are so many factors that make me really uneasy about this. Funny how many people think her actions are admirable because I don’t see it that way at all.

My therapist is on annual leave so I can’t discuss it yet, but will do so when they return.

Larry Bee

"Funny how many people think her actions are admirable because I don’t see it that way at all."

How do you see her actions? How do you feel she could have handled it better?

Big Bag of Chips

Funny how many people think her actions are admirable because I don’t see it that way at all.

Of course you don't see it that way. Most people can see this for what it is. But you see it through your skewed vision: You treat people badly. You manipulate and abuse people and see them only for what you can get from them. You've admitted to not understanding people's emotions (or maybe not caring enough about them to try understand them). So because that's how you view the people around you, you think that's how the people around you also think and behave.

You can only see this situation through your eyes, with your perspective - that this woman is looking for some long game revenge on you. That's she's been storing this up for exactly the right time to drop the bomb. Then block any/all avenues of communication and tell you that there's nothing you can do about it. You see it as an attempt to abuse and control, because if it was the other way around your only motivation would be to abuse and control.

You only saw the "I don't want any contact" part of her text but have blatantly ignored that she said she is opening the lines of communication. You see the bad, not the good.

I would absolutely hate to be in this woman's position right now. By your own admission she was right to keep this from you at the time she got pregnant. She is now trying to put the past, and her personal feelings about you aside, because she is trying to do right by her son. But you lack the capacity to see that. All you see is a bitter woman gaining control and holding this over you. I don't think anyone can convince you otherwise. Like I said you're wired differently to most.

But I can guarantee this woman has no interest in you. She's not relishing any of this. She doesn't want power over you, or control, or conflict. She knows that's unlikely to end well for her. She wants nothing from you. She just wants to do the right thing by her child who is growing up and asking questions.

mrslancaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119014460#Comment_119014460

If I was in this situation, I would want a dna test, and if that proves there is no biological link, then that's an end to the matter. So you may be shocked, furious, feeling out of control or many other emotions, but until you know for certain, you are only causing yourself stress. Nobody needs that.

If you are the boy's biological parent but haven't been a father to him or helped to raise him since birth, only you know if that situation would have been any different if his mother had told you of his existence.The mother may have felt she was protecting him, but if he is your child, she was very wrong IMO to deny both you and the child that information and opportunity to bond, develop a relationship and be in each others lives.

I know fathers have fewer rights than mothers in this country, but the child has rights also - a right to his identity, to know where he comes from, to know his parents and extended family. She may have had no time for you, she may not have wanted you in her own life, but she denied her child the prospect of knowing his father for the past 12 years. In any event, you may have been a lousy boyfriend, but how does she know that you wouldn't be a fantastic father?

Hannibal_Smith

Maybe leaving you out of his life wasn't her choice to make. But how were you back then? You say yourself you understand why she did it. That must have been some relationship to feel she might have had a point in not telling you about a child she had.

If you understand why she didn't tell you, if there's a reasonable explanation for her not telling you that you both can see that we can't because we're only privy to what you've posted why are you so angry?

Again, maybe she took an important decision out of your hands, but I doubt it's as simple as that. And if you've really changed then looking at the full picture would be what you should be looking to do. Instead you're looking to regain some ground and angry that she might have some control here.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119015208#Comment_119015208

You might have a point with some of the things you said. I need to think about it.

”Skewed vision” is not a very nice term btw but I think I know what you mean.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119015839#Comment_119015839

I was a ticking time bomb that had to explode before it could get better. I don’t think I treated her too badly but I doubt I would have been a good father. I guess it makes sense for her to assume I’m still the same.

I’m still angry but not sure who or what I am angry at. Partially at her for the way she had phrased her message. Partially at me.

I will reply to her.

[Deleted User]

Maybe just let her know you've got the message and then leave it at that? You don't seem to be in a good place at the moment.

Jequ0n

I’ve told her I won’t be reaching out if that’s what she wants, but that I’d like to speak to him if he wants to reach out sometime.

She can now do what she wants but if he ever contacts me and asks why I never tried to meet him he will see that she had been the one blocking it. But that’s her problem, not mine.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119019604#Comment_119019604

No no. Dont make it into a vindictive you vs her when it comes to your child. Tell the truth for sure, but dont forget she didnt tell you for a reason. He has absolutely NOTHING to do with what went on with you and his mother, hes an innocent player stuck in the middle. You have to approach it like that.

Try work on your anger towards her cause when he does reach out (and be sure he will) making things nasty is going to be incredibly damaging for him, and he doesnt deserve that.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119019739#Comment_119019739

I have no intention of turning this into a vindictive game. But I was asked to stay away, and if the question comes up she can handle it. It’s nothing but the truth.

sporina

i think you did well enough in your reply... let him contact you if he wants to - prob when he's 18

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119019782#Comment_119019782

But your tone here is very vindictive and i dont think you can see that. You are clearly carrying alot of anger towards her and I get why but when it comes to your son you need to put all of that behind you.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119014460#Comment_119014460

I think people are not acknowledging that this is obviously a huge thing to happen to anyone - to suddenly become a parent, and become one in a messy and confusing way. It's perfectly understandable that you are going through a range of emotions, that you feel angry, upset, betrayed, confused. Your feelings are your feelings they aren't always fair or justified. They don't always reflect who you are now, often at times like this we can be transported back to how we felt in the earlier relationship, or how we feel about our own parents.

However you do have a responsibility to your new soon, and his mother by proxy. You need to absorb and assess your true feelings, discarding any non-productive reactions. Set aside the feelings of anger. Instead have a think about your new son. What would you like your relationship to be? now and in the future. Can you understand his probable needs for a father figure, and can you live up to that? Knowing that he is your son and you've an obligation to him, and his mother is very important to his life, can you build a civil relationship with her? Is she right that he would be better off without you?

Before you react you need to think about questions like these, and know both your thoughts and feelings. I promise if you don't you will end up regretting it.

Also bear in mind we all change, twelve years is a long time, you're probably quite different to the person she knew. Maybe you just need to show that to her.

Also, it is perfectly reasonable to ask for a paternity test.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119019782#Comment_119019782

I don't see the harm in telling him the truth if he asks. Otherwise you'd be lying to him. I do think your motives are a little cruel, it sounds like you're happy dropping a bomb and letting her handle it. Maybe its payback for her keeping this from you for 12 years in your mind? Maybe you're showing her she's not as in control as she thinks and you can still stir things for her if you want?

All that being said I would say she's aware you might tell him, if she hasn't already done so herself. This may be brand new information to you. But she's had 12 years to prepare for it and manage it. Indeed the boy himself knows he's had 12 years without contact. He knows you exist so the conversation has quite possibly already come up between them.

Jequ0n

I am not doing this to be mean. What I mean is I really don’t want to be accused of not having bothered to look for him or so.

I’m staying away as asked as she made it clear that he is her son.