Need help before I lose my relationship

relaed

I have a tendency to put all of my energy into one person and become very dependent on them to supply my happiness.

I lost my lovely father as a child in tragic circumstances and my mother is an abusive alcoholic I have a very poor relationship with.

I'm 30s and seem to be attracted to stable older men who are a calming presence in my life. I can see the psychology behind it but I can't seem to stop the same pattern.

I'm seeing an older divorced man since November, things got serious around February, we declared I Love Yous and everything was wonderful. We live far apart but it made time together amazing and we never felt apart as we were on the phone, video chat, texts for hours daily.

He has helped me so much through some really horrid times recently (sudden death of a life long best friend, and a house fire) and I've been all over the place.

All along, I knew he was taking 2 weeks off to take his children abroad with his sister and family this week. He told me all along that he wouldn't be carrying his phone by day, he'd send texts when he was back at the hotel and check in where he could but particularly this week he wanted to focus on the kids fully. He's very strict on phone use with his kids and doesn't want them to see him being dependent on it.

This has kind of messed me up. And I know I'm being selfish and stupid but I feel so insecure that this is his way of phasing me out after difficult weeks while I went through tragedy and loss. We had our first couple of arguments during that time as he shut down and went quiet because I was so difficult. He pulled back. We discussed it and he agreed he wouldn't do that again.

We've had amazing communication throughout otherwise. And he was out of this world helpful during my difficult times. But then a few weeks or months after, I was impossible to be around, my moods were all over the place and he went quiet at that point. He said it was to protect himself and I accept that.

We parted on great terms and he asked me not to get upset when he couldn't talk as it would upset him and ruin his time with the kids.

Now he's a few days into his holiday and while he sends a few texts and pics here and there, I know if the circumstances were reversed I'd make a lot more effort. I'd find a way to go for a walk alone and make a 5 minute phonecall. I just miss him so much.

The most thing I miss is not getting a text last thing at night. Or first thing in the morning. He never does this when he has custody of the kids, but it hurts me.

And I've been here in a previous relationship too. I have some kind of need to hear from the person first and last thing in the day. Where I've found men I've dated didn't really see this as important as long as they checked in sometime.

I want to understand why I become so dependent on someone else to feel happy. One text from him and I'm smiling for hours. But I'm not finding any happiness from my hobbies or other friends. And it's not just this week I feel that. I know I have become too dependent on this man.

I need advice on why I'm literally sitting here staring at my phone waiting for him to text or maybe call.

I'm busy, I have hobbies, I'm working full time. I should have everything else I need in life, yet I end up driving lovers away by becoming too obsessive and needy.

And then I justify my behaviour to myself by saying, just a couple of texts and I'd be happy.. why would someone not make more effort than that? I'd make more effort.

I wish I could find a way to have a great 2 weeks alone and focus on me and stop staring at my phone longing for it to buzz. I know he's safe and happy and having a great time so why do I need more interaction and more attention ?

This isn't my first time in this situation. My ex found it a burden to have to text goodnight and good morning and felt he had to do it as I'd be moody if he didn't.

If I could figure this out, maybe I could break the pattern. I've tried counselling in the past and found it to be unhelpful.

89897

Op this sounds all very like you're self sabotaging, you know this behavior drives people away and you know you become dependent on one person for your happiness. Its so unfair on the person to do that, its far too heavy a job and this particular man has kids.

You really do need to try therapy again, it can take some time to find the right fit but its really the best thing for you right now. I would also say stay away from dating until you are perfectly happy as a whole person yourself.

You could also benefit from grief counselling for the loss of your father and the loss of a healthy relationship with your mother and your friend.

Goodigal

You say he never texts much when he is with his children. He is currently with his children!! You need to accept this! For the other 50 weeks of the year, he can text you an appropriate amount. You accept you have a problem with the whole 'good morning/goodnight' thing, so I really think you need to work on that. Why is it so important to you? It sounds like he's already providing you with a whole lot of support but you're trying to force this on him, and it may well become a breaking point (as it did in the past for you).

You sound like a busy person, but so is he. Especially when he's on holidays with his family. Leave your phone aside. Go meet friends, do a yoga class or go to the cinema etc etc. You have someone who loves you, but they're on holidays with their kids. Let them have a good time without feeling the need to check in with you. Hard as it may feel right now. Enjoy your own company. Good luck!

Rowley Birkin QC

I've been with someone like this in the past and to be totally honest, it's suffocating and left me feeling like I was walking on some very thin eggshells and also that I was responsible for that persons mental state, something you have called out yourself.

You have different communication styles, not necessarily a bad thing but it makes it more challenging. He has clearly stated a very valid preference to be without his phone in front of his kids. You are, put simply, not accepting his preference and getting upset when his actions follow through on this stated preference. The goodnight text thing, to my and possibly your partners mind, is quite a childish way to get around this preference.

From my perspective, it's a form of exerting control on that person, wanting to know what time they go to bed and also presents an opportunity for you to ask him more questions without having to take the plunge and send a text message yourself.

I hope things work out for you but I wanted to share the perspective from what I think is a similar situation.

Jafin

On the one hand it's good that you recognise your behaviour, but on the other it doesn't seem like anything you're doing is having a positive effect on changing it. I would definitely recommend finding a therapist that specialises in co-dependency issues and childhood trauma. I know you said you've tried it in the past and found it unhelpful, but it's entirely possible that that particular counsellor just wasn't a good fit for you. I think you should do some serious research into therapists in your area and their areas of expertise. If at some point you think you've found one that might be a good fit then go for a consultation.

If you don't address this it could end up sabotaging your relationship with this man, and any future relationships you may have.

Edited to fix some spelling errors.

ThreeGreens

"We had our first couple of arguments during that time as he shut down and went quiet because I was so difficult. He pulled back. We discussed it and he agreed he wouldn't do that again."

This stood out for me. You were being difficult and he agreed that HE wouldn't do that again.

A Jafin said, it's good that you recognise that your own behavior is a problem. But being honest about it, you are probably doomed to a string of failed relationships if you don't get a handle on it. Nobody can live long term, under that suffocating pressure to keep you happy even waking minute of the day.

If therapy didn't do you any good, maybe try a different therapist. Or speak to your GP about why the therapy isn't working. But if you don't get it under control, you'll probably lose this partner, and the next and the next. The time to do something about it is now, not after this relationship fails.

relaed

"This stood out for me. You were being difficult and he agreed that HE wouldn't do that again."

OP here.

Sorry, to be clear on this, he agreed he wouldn't shut down with no explanation again. And I of course also agreed to stop being horrible. I was basically cracking up in disbelief at the death of my best friend and admit my behaviour was all over the place, I was up and down. He was wonderful to me as support but then one day he just went silent, didn't answer his phone at all. Didn't call. He said he just didn't feel able to communicate with me, he shut down, but he didn't explain this to be the case. I thought he'd had an accident or something when he went from fully supportive to disappearing off the face of the earth.

We'd had great communication up to that point and agreed if we were angry or upset we would always let each other know and take time out.

We talked through this and agreed in future if I was out of line, he would tell me and I would back off and give him time out.

And on the rest, I agree. I likely have already driven him away. Posting here is very helpful to me, to see it from the perspective of others.

relaed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119173566#Comment_119173566

Your comments on my demands for good night are interesting and this is something I am really trying to understand.

I think you are right that I am (not consciously) trying to lure him into texting and trying to know when he goes to bed.

I told myself it's to do with knowing he is safe in bed and knowing he's safe and healthy the next morning. I lost a number of people in my life overnight and always had a thing for "making sure they're still alive" or something. I thought that was why I do it but I think you may be correct and it does sound very childish and controlling when I read it back.

And I know a lot of my behaviour is manipulative and childish and controlling. I need to be called out on it to make it clear to me. I'm actually embarrassed reading back a lot of the comments, which is a good thing.

relaed

OP here. Thanks so far for all replies.

This has been a lot more helpful than I expected.

I suppose in ways I was expecting someone to say "of course he should be calling and texting you" and that would validate my selfish feelings.

But I need to be called out and essentially cop onto myself before it's too late, though it may possibly already be too late.

There are so many valid points above and I need to reread these a few times before daring to text him or be pushy. I am being selfish and overly demanding and it is 2 weeks out of 52, and he has been out of this world amazing up to now.

I do think I self sabotage any happiness that comes my way. This was brought up in past counselling and I tried a couple of different counsellors but found them more to be listeners rather than to give advice on how to rectify or change my patterns.

I think I've gained more from the above replies than the counselling I did.

RojaStar

Glad it's been helpful to post here OP.

Just on the texting good morning and good night thing, I really appreciate that in a relationship and would almost expect it, on both sides. Just because it's nice to know someone wakes up thinking about you and same before they go to sleep. But if someone was putting conditions on it and getting upset if they didn't receive them and started professing to be worried about my safety if they didn't hear from me I would be running a mile. It has happened to me before and there were other things like offering to pick me up from nights out, dropping me to the airport mad early for work trips etc. Over time I started to realise it was all part of controlling behaviour (there were other bigger signs too towards the end).

Don't be too hard on yourself saying things like you have to "cop yourself on". It's really positive that you are aware that some of this behaviour might be worth examining a bit further. And it's not easy.

ETA: it's not the counsellor's role to give advice, but a good one should be able to lead you to figure it out yourself.

relaed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119174388#Comment_119174388

Thanks RojaStar.

I have told him previously that the only demand I had in our relationship would be the good night and good morning thing as we have been long distance a lot of the time and I didn't want to stare at my phone late at night wondering if he was still up or if I should expect a reply before going to sleep.

I wouldnt mind if I didn't hear anything from a partner in an entire day except morning and goodnight, just two texts a day. I would feel better about that than a few random texts during the day.

This is the only way I've ever been controlling (I've never done any of the other things you mention such as picking him up from trips, I'm very trusting that way), and it probably still is out of line but he didn't have a problem with it and was happy when I would say good night and good morning to him too. It was so nice to know we were thinking of each other as we fell asleep.

A lot of the time we would video chat as we fell asleep anyway so would say goodnight face to face. It always made me feel safe and happy when he does that. And I guess I'm really missing that at the moment but I make a much bigger deal of it in my head than it is.

Like I know it's not worth losing him for but I had this exact issue in my previous relationship where I was with a guy who turned out to be an unhealthy alcoholic (several days binge drinking non stop) and at times he would go phone silent for a day or two and I would worry he had died in his sleep (along with having seen similar behaviour from my mother growing up). And it left me an anxious wreck when he didn't make contact. I truly believed he may have died and would drive myself insane overthinking it.

It took me a long time to walk away from that relationship and accept he was no longer my problem and I would never say goodnight or good morning to him again.

I think I've carried that want or need into this relationship even though this man is healthy and wonderful and completely different.

The last thing I want to do here is drive him away but I feel this time apart may be make or break for us. There's every possibility he will take this time out to evaluate my poor behaviour over recent weeks and I hate myself for that but I do understand anyone would've been in a bad way after everything that happened in a short space of time. I just wish it hadn't occurred so early in our relationship when we really seemed to be getting off on the right foot.

Padre_Pio

Honestly, you've put your mental wellbeing in his hands, and he likely doesn't even know it.

So when he doesn't text you, or act the way you want or expect him to act, you feel hurt and he is likely oblivious. Which leads to arguments.

It's like stabbing yourself and expecting someone else to feel pain.

Remember, you've only been in his life for 8 months. It's not a long time.

IMO there's two options:

One, you tell him what you want and you hold him to account if he doesn't do it. Maybe he won't mind, maybe he'll think you're too much hassle.

Two, you learn to be happy with yourself, trust your BF and not seek constant reassurance. It's work that you'll have to do, likely by yourself or with a therapist.

EDIT: Just to clarify, your actions aren't wrong. The way you feel isn't wrong. It's human nature that you feel ignored or annoyed when someone else doesn't do what you want them to. You're just feeling more personally because you have so much invested in this guy.

I think you just need to recognise that he likely has the best of intentions, and that his attention is temporarily elsewhere. Normal service will resume soon. Leave your phone at home and go for walk.

Goodigal

I understand now OP your need for reassurance that the people you love are still ok. That's fine after all you've been through. But I'd hate for you to lose this guy because he sounds like he's good for you.

Am sure dropping him a text to say you're missing him but you hope he's having the best time would be nice for him to hear. Doesn't have to be daily, or open up a chat, but might help you relax a bit more.

I wouldn't drop him a text to say you are missing him. Believe me he already knows that and if he was missing the OP he would be texting lots! In this situation saying "I miss you" sounds needy and there seems to have been a lot of needy behavior lately. This holiday is his. For him and his children. Leave him be. Let him be the one to initiate contact. Get busy, join Meetup and go to the cinema or for a hike. Let this man know you have a life without him and are an independent person. There is nothing worse than neediness in a relationship, for me its a killer.

Think of it this way. He could text goodnight, hop in a taxi to do god knows what for the next 7 or 8 hours and then text good morning from a second taxi on his way home.

It's that meaningless. Of course, I'm not suggesting this is happening but you're turning what should be a nice, organic "I missed you today, sweetie" moment into a "crap, it's after 10, I'd better text her" moment.

Jequ0n

You are catastrophizing, OP.

Of course it’s possible that he might evaluate your relationship while being away, just like you are doing now. The worst thing you can do is to go nuclear and overwhelm him, thereby ignoring his explicit wishes and boundaries.

What you are describing sounds like control and impulse issues. I have the similar patterns but unlike you I don’t panic. In my case it is not fear or worry, but a “need” to control.

Maybe ask yourself if it’s fear of abandonment or need to control that triggers you most.

I agree with previous posters that this is something you should investigate with a therapist. It probably won’t go away, but it’s certainly possible to manage it better.

Good luck

relaed

Thanks guys.

It's definitely fear of abandonment in my case. Not a need to control.

I'm terrified of him leaving me as I know how good he's been for me and to me.

And I sent him an I miss you text yesterday which I later regretted as he read it but didn't acknowledge it, though he told me before leaving he would be missing me like crazy, and in general he's not the most wordy guy over text anyway. He communicates really well over the phone though and can reassure my every fear without realising it in a minute.

But this morning I wished him a good day and haven't contacted since, he acknowledged it and I know he'll text later and I need to be happy with that.

And the above comment about me putting my mental wellbeing in his hands and he not even realising it.. this is definitely true. He's getting on with having a wonderful holiday and I'm sitting here on edge longing for one "miss you" or "what's up" text. And reading it, it is pathetic. I'm in my 30s, not 16. And I need to get my sh1t together and stop being needy and pathetic. Before I drive him away.

My usual pattern would be to sit here and overanalyse and then go nuclear and in the past I'd even panic end a relationship, to do it before they end it, maybe. I have learned to be more calm and try to distract myself in these moments but my last relationship with the alcoholic who turned out to be manipulative and controlling has damaged me terribly. I was already damaged goods from a very traumatic childhood and finally now met someone steady and without issues, who has already put up with me at my worst.

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I'm reading and rereading it all.

relaed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119174855#Comment_119174855

I agree.

It isn't a trust thing though. I trust him completely. I would be okay with him saying goodnight to me as it's time for me to go to sleep, it isn't about me knowing he is in bed and alone.

We are long distance and he goes out with friends etc and I have never worried as long as I know he's safe and okay.

Rowley Birkin QC

OP, I think you need to give yourself a little break here too tbh. Your follow up posts are relentlessly beating yourself up when in reality you are taking some positive steps in recognising this behaviour and asking for some alternative viewpoints to consider, well done for that!

Yes, there are some issues to be addressed.

Yes, some of the behaviour is likely to drive away or at the very least exhaust even the most well-meaning partner.

However, it does seem to be coming from a good place of wanting the relationship to succeed even if that desire is driving some unwelcome, by both parties, behaviour.

Thelonious Monk

Maybe he just doesn't suit your needs? No shame in that. I spend half my days away from my partner in different cities at the moment, she works shifts in a very busy trauma hospital and still I always get texts before I sleep or before she finally gets to bed or gets up. I like this but it's always been like this with us, I would be the same so it's just another one of the ways we match.

I wouldn't keep beating yourself up OP, I mean yes you totally need to chill, but I spent too much time with previous girlfriends trying to get a square into a round hole when we weren't right for each other.

It's not up to him to have to prove that he's safe and well (and by extension that he still loves you, hasn't decided to leave you), it's up to you to accept that - in the absence of evidence to the contrary - all of those things are still true each night you go to sleep, each morning you wake up, regardless of whether a text is sent or not.

Anyway, I'll leave it there, I know it's not meant to be a back and forth on here.

Best of luck with everything.

bucketybuck

If I was told I "had" to send a text each morning and night then I would be gone out the door pretty damn quick. Its basically telling me that I need to clock in and out, what sort of relationship is that?

I can also tell you that sending him these "miss you" messages now despite him making clear that he wasn't going to be doing texts while on holiday is really doing yourself no favours, I know how I would be taking them and it wouldn't be good. He told you the deal but you aren't respecting what he said, why is that?

If asked, I would say that your problem is that you are not treating this guy as his own man, as an individual with his own thoughts, ideas, issues, his own approach to doing things. To you he is not his own man, he is in fact just a crutch for your own problems, issues and desires. You want things from him and when you aren't getting them then there is a problem.

But he doesn't exist just to look after you, he does have his own issues to deal with and until you fully accept that then you will continue to look at him and assess these situations only within the context of "you".

For example, you say he helped you a lot over the past months. And now he wants a bit of help from you, in the form of giving him some space so that he can focus on his kids. Yet seemingly that is a problem for you, can you see how that comes across?

Its just my opinion, worth not very much, but I would suggest to stop viewing him or any man in terms of what they give to you. Instead try to mentally see them as other people who happen to be going in the same direction as you. Take the pressure off yourself so that you aren't constantly seeing problems where none exist.

Buddy Bubs

I'm the same as you OP but I had to reign it in. I've a compulsion to tell romantic partners I miss them, love them, thinking of them can't wait to see them etc. But I had to stop.

It's not too bad now when I stopped and thought about it. I know show love instead of telling it all the time. There's other ways of doing it.

And you have to accept others treat phones and texting differently. My GF drove me bonkers with not responding to texts, I prob wrecked her head too, but when it mattered, she is always there for me.

bottlebrush

OP you live apart, it's a long distance relationship, you only met in November and things only got serious in February. So I take it that most of your interactions have been over the phone I.e. not face to face.

If I was in this man's shoes I'd be wondering what am I actually signing up to here or what is really in it for me. Am i a romantic partner or an agony uncle. In other words what's in it for him besides supporting you, reassuring you, trying to figure out what is the right thing to do when you're being difficult etc. He may be wondering if there are easier relationships he could be in.

Now it's OK for you to feel the emotions of your abandonment issues but you need to stop short of acting on them and try and think logically. You need to see this man as an autonomous human being with his own responsibilities and a past he had before he met you. He's not a therapist or a counsellor, just somebody looking for a relationship. Yes your issues are very valid but it's not this man's responsibility to fix them.

And I echo previous posters in that you need to seek out appropriate counselling, even if this relationship continues but if it doesn't, certainly before you embark on a new one.

I wish you the best of luck.

relaed

Thanks everyone for the advice. Feeling pretty low at the moment but hopefully I can learn from this experience.

I haven't heard from him since early yesterday and haven't text since then either. He was briefly on facebook last night and my heart felt so happy seeing him online but then when he didn't send a message or check in with me, it really hurt.

I'm trying my best to remain distracted and listening to podcasts to try and improve me. But am feeling very anxious and upset about the likelihood he is using this time to distance himself from me. I know if I text him, he would reply but I'm trying to do the right thing and let him have this time with his kids.

Nothing I can really do now anyway except try to improve myself to prevent this happening again.

Jafin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119178805#Comment_119178805

Whenever you feel the anxiety creeping up, even when you're distracted by some piece of media, take a few deep breaths to try and centre yourself. I also have a lot of anxiety when it comes to relationship/dating stuff, so when it starts to enter my head this is what I do and it usually tends to calm me down. Overthinking is a horrible thing, but it's not always something we can control, and often many of us go to the worst case scenario even though it's likely not even what is happening. Best of luck.

Hannibal_Smith

You're trying to change your mentality and the habit you have built up because of it by distracting yourself. Changing a habit won't happen over night. It takes consistent small steps which over time will result in a change. That's my experience with bad habits anyway. Before you known it you're a million miles from struggling with it.

So keep going with it. Don't distract yourself for the sake of it. You've got hobbies you enjoy already, put your focus into them.

And definitely go back to counselling to help you deal with your fears. It's like they're some sort of a self preservation, like you see being abandoned as inevitable so you're preparing for it and helping it along to get it over and done with. Not everyone is going to leave, not every sign is an indication that they're going to leave. But even if they do, help yourself get to the point where you don't see it as a catastrophe.

laoisgem

I have to say fairplay to the OP, many posters would just just post and hope for the best.

At least you are open to constructive criticism, whereas others would either shut down or go on the defensive.

I cannot suggest counselling enough. I cannot count on both hands how many I have been through and more over how many more I will go through. It's not a one time thing in my eyes, the fact that you realise there is a problem, that's the first step!

I wish you all the best going forward.

Bobtheman

I'm going to suggest two books

Feeling good by dr burns a CBT book and secondly a book the unthetered soul by Michael singer.

You are exhibiting all or nothing thinking which is quite common in people.

We all have private rules we expect others to follow. Once a relationship reaches a few years its possible to get your partner to accept these rules. If not you compromise.

You are not a few years in

You need to work on yourself.

I don't know anybody who read these books who didn't feel transformed

Bobtheman

BTW i found both books better than any counsellor.

screamer

OP I’ll echo others here, you need to fix the relationship you have with yourself first and then worry about others.