Need help before I lose my relationship

relaed

Thanks so much for all your replies.

And Bobtheman, your comments really spoke to me. You're being very practical about it and you're right, maybe a few years in things can be different but we're not even a year in.

I am going to order those books today, I really do want to improve myself.

I am looking into a counsellor also but my finances aren't great at the moment and having not got much out of therapy previously, I suppose I'm trying to postpone it until I have more money available, in case I end up with a counsellor who doesn't fit me again.

To update the situation, I really struggled at the weekend. He didn't text for a couple of days at all. And seeing him online, I convinced myself we were over. I reread this thread many times and took all advice on board. Its really helped.

Friday he sent a quick friendly text which made me so happy, but then returned to 3 full days of silence which has never happened before. I sent a quick "hope you're having a fab time" text Monday which he read but didn't reply to. He was home Monday and nothing. Still with his kids for the rest of this week though. I really felt devastated by Monday night, I guess I'd assumed there would be a quick phonecall. I became absolutely convinced he had done a disappearing act and left in a cowardly way. Nothing couldve convinced me otherwise.

But I somehow managed to keep busy and not send texts begging for answers, which would be by usual pattern.

Tuesday, first thing in the morning he made contact and was back to our normal morning texts, and I never expected that. He told me before he left that the week abroad he wouldn't use phone, and I guess I needed to accept him at his word rather than assuming the worst. But I still felt things as a little cold or awkward Tuesday. Which may have been me overreading the situation.

He phoned briefly a couple of times when the kids were outside but wasn't his usual warm self, probably because he was busy. But my thought process told me he was planning to end it.

Tuesday night very late he phoned me asking why I was so quiet all day via text. He had expected me to be more.. me. My normal self. We had a 2 hour chat at 3am where i explained a little that I'd been feeling anxious and unsure and didn't want to hound him. It developed into a really open chat. He's been viewing things from a man's perspective and not reading into anything while I've been terrible over reading every situation. And we are probably both wrong.

Wednesday he got a baby sitter in and drove 2 hours to meet me which I never expected. He said he missed me so much, and we talked through everything. And I'm feeling really happy and secure since. I'm trying to accept he may actually be loyal and someone in my life I can take at their word.

I explained that from childhood I was the kid left behind at the school gates when my drunk mother forgot to collect me and I can have poor expectations of people.

He admitted he has felt a little smothered and the week off allowed us both to analyse what's important. He said he found it hard to balance his life (the kids, work) and mine during my recent difficult chapter and his pattern is to just shut down and go into auto mode. But he just needed a quiet week and was always going to return to normal once he was back in the country. He said it was simple as the kids being beside him constantly and having a no phone rule.

He said he very much loves me but did have a few weeks of not knowing where things were going. But the week apart made him really miss what we have. He's not always the best communicator but meeting him Wednesday, I've never had anyone as happy to see me in my life. Genuinely.

I am so thankful that he's been really honest with me, and I was fully honest with him too that I found the silence hard but I respected his quietness and managed not to text even though I really wanted to.

He's away the rest of the week now with the kids (but is texting) and the effort he made to meet has made me feel obliged to work on myself now. I have a man who is willing to accept me for who I am and I can't afford to mess that up.

Thanks for all advice.

Jafin

I'm really happy to read that. I think one good thing that can come from this is that if and when he goes away with the kids again in the future and says he will not be on his phone much you will be able to reflect on this and fully know that you don't need to go into "he's going to leave me" mode and just take him at his word and know there is nothing else behind it.