Drunk messages

Printer25

Hey

I have been engaged for the past year and planning to marry next yr. Last week I got message from un unknown person to me but she was his ex. She sent me screenshot messages he sent her as recent as my this Yr.She said he contacted her a lot on her old page but she cannot show me them as she doesn't have access to that page anymore. We are together 8 years. The girl feels all the messages and that he'd never text sober or asking to meet up , saying he I'd in a relationship and he shouldn't be texting. He defensive I'd he doesn't remember sending them at all as he often forgot things after drink.all of the messages have kisses after them and saying he just thought of her with ❤ xxx after them.he has drinking issues I m aware off but l is there more in this?Help

Jequ0n

Your post is incredibly difficult to read..

RojaStar

Yes the post is difficult to read, bit like a drunk message ironically!

Taking this at face value, yes it's a problem and a massive red flag. I would want to blow this open and have it resolved one way or another before committing to this person for ever more. How serious is the drink problem? That would be reason enough tbh. If not addressed now that is only likely to get worse.

YellowLead

I would not be able to trust him if it was me. Different maybe if he confessed, but if it wasn’t for her showing you you would not have known and he was messaging somebody else with love hearts and keeping it from you.

Also - drink problem - big red flag no? Hopefully he’s committed to resolving that or you are in for a lifetime of disappointment

Printer25

Apologies if the wording isn't clear. I suppose my emotions are just running high as it was such a shock to me knowing he was drunk messaging any girl with kisses and heart emjois. ❤ I assure you I don't even drink but I also don't mind someone who drinks moderately just not excessively to the point whereby they doesn't remember. He has sent her messages for months and even two or three nights in a row though he doesn't remember this and he has deleted the message exchange they've had on his phone. Sober he wouldn't message her at all. Is there any truth in alcohol bringing out truths? By loosening inhibitions and having your emotions finally not suppressed. Sorry for asking for advice it, it is just because everyone is expecting a marriage and it is hard to be open to anyone right now so I want to be anonymous. His take on it is that is all drink and he doesn't remember anything? Does drunk words mean sober thoughts?

Trigger Happy

His not remembering anything is very convenient- for him. He deleted the messages knowing that he did not want you to find them. So he was sober enough to know he was doing wrong.

A lot of people who drink will black out from time to time. But using drink as an excuse for continued wrongdoing is a sign that you cannot ignore.

Its easy to tell you to walk away from this guy, that he will keep on drinking and likely do it again. But that is hard advice to follow. However, if his drinking is at the core of your issues with him then maybe his giving up drink is the condition for you staying with him?

YellowLead

I think true feelings come out when somebody is drunk. Especially if it is repeated behaviour and not just a one off. And it’s not sleazy sex message so he probably still has feelings for her.

I know it’s hard to walk after 8 years, but when married will be even harder

Hannibal_Smith

all of the messages have kisses after them and saying he just thought of her with ❤ xxx after them

He's with you for 8 years and hes sending an ex, who he hasn't been with for 8+ years, messages saying he just thought of her and sending hearts and kisses? Is there more in this? From what I can see yes there absolutely is.

Texting an ex doesn't automatically mean anything, but the context of those messages is completely out of line. Still texting after 8+ years post break up with hearts and kisses messages just sounds a bit creepy to be honest.

If she hasn't got access to her Facebook, he still has access to his. I'd be wanting to see that.

He's not denying sending them, so it's not a case of the ex making up.

Wezz

He can’t use alcohol as an excuse for bad behaviour. I get drunk, I’ve never tried it on with another woman. There’s a pattern of behaviour here that’s worrying. As someone said you only know because she told you. I’d be wondering if he’s messaging anyone else or on hook up sites.

Jequ0n

Whatever his motivations. The continuous texting/ approval or attention seeking and alcohol consumption do not paint the picture of someone who is happy with his life.

Do you live together? I am just wondering how he can be texting others this frequently without you having noticed anything.

Big Bag of Chips

He remembers. Everything. He's lying.

If drinking is causing him to do things that he "can't remember" and that can damage his relationship then the obvious solution is to stop drinking. No?

Do you think he'd stop drinking to save his relationship? If he wouldn't then you need to consider if you're happy to be in a relationship like that. And a relationship where he will blame all bad behaviour on "don't remember". Because its not going to change. It will just progress to being even worse.

If he's out without you on nights getting pissed I would be pretty much 100% certain that he has not just stopped at drunk texting an ex.

Up to you what you decide to do. But a couple of Al-Anon meetings mightn't be any harm. It's a group for people living with problem drinkers.

Wheety

Tell him he needs to cut back on the drinking.

Still stihl waters 3

You know he has drinking issues and you're still going to marry him, some people are beyond help

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119179649#Comment_119179649

The topic itself is irrelevant. The fact is that you are in a serious relationship with an alcoholic who is comfortable blaming his transgressions on on his drinking problems and you see to be willing to accept those excuses!

Just what would it take for you to see reality? A couple of affairs, knock down an old lady or a child while driving drunk???

You are in one of those life changing moments, your decision will determine the course of the lest of your life choose carefully.

Something in his messages was enough to make another woman reach out and tell you about them, even though in cases like these, its usually the messenger who gets shot.

"I don't remember" is far too convenient. I'd rather he be upfront and say "yeah, I sent the messages, I was pissed and it was wrong" but trying to pass it of by conveniently "forgetting" about it? Nah. Drinking several nights in a row to the point of oblivion also indicates a serious problem with alcohol.

Do you really need to hear anything else?

dil87

He has a drinking problem and is messaging his ex (possibly more that you don't know of) it's an easy solution, you're digging yourself a hole marrying this guy.

Katgurl

Do not marry this guy unless serious changes are made. You only get one life why would you sign up for a miserable one?

I don't get the 'it was just the drink' rationale from a person unless they are committing to stopping drinking. It will be just the drink the next time.

And there's no way this is all that has happened that you don't know about. He doesn't remember and this woman just happened to tell you. Many women would not bother.

If you don't have kids I'd walk without a backward glance.

MakersMark

Don't marry him.

Printer25

Indeed you're right. I know he drinks but I didn't realise it was excessively. I know on nights out with me or his friends he'd vaguely remember parts of the night but I didn't realise till I spoke to his ex how frequent they were. I don't drink and I suppose I missed the red flags that it was more of an addiction for him, something that ruled his life. He is a functional addict and works everyday and is a perfectionist at his job. The job is stressful and highly demanding but he never fails. I grew up with alcoholic father as a child and I never noticed when he was drunk as it was just always the way I knew him to be. Whereas others could see it so easily. This is why I don't drink and I often thought I was being too hard at times with him over drinking even because of my own upbringing with it all. I have lectured him over and over again as I don't want my mother's life. Addicts can be deceptive..He never admitted he had issues to me in that way . I love him dearly and I would have insisted and helped him change his lifestyle but there is now an additional betrayal of messaging an ex. My head is in a tail spin and I feel like I never knew him.

.

YellowLead

You can’t change him just by lecturing him OP. He has to want to. Doesn’t sound like he does. You don’t love the true him, you love what you want him to be.

put_the_kettle_on

Dear OP, a therapist once said to me that we often turn into one parent, and marry the other.

It sounds to me like you're going to live your mum's life exactly.

Roxxers

leave him

relaed

OP take it from me, a daughter of an alcoholic, I spent years trapped in a relationship with a manipulative alcoholic where i was totally blind to the situation, I made every excuse in the book and it takes coming out of the situation and looking back several months down the road to see just how dysfunctional things were.

It was the luckiest escape of my life. He permanently damaged me in ways. I was walking on egg shells constantly and am still carrying anxiety from it.

I don't agree with ever telling anyone else how to live their life. But please think very carefully about the life you will live if you marry this man. Do you deserve to spend the rest of your life picking up pieces and making excuses for someone who cant be bothered to be responsible for their actions?

In my experience, as the years passed the alcoholism got worse, both with my mother and partner. I am removed from both of their lives now and they are both heading for early graves and while it kills me to see that, it would be sending me to an early grave too if I lived with either of them.

We only get one chance at life. Why ruin yours by settling for a man like this?

PommieBast

I do wonder why she is contacting you about his texting. The odd drunk message would be brushed off but going to the effort of contacting you about it is one way or another a massive red flag, as it points to something deeper.

Drunk or sobor someone looking at marriage should not have unresolved issues with an ex from almost a decade ago, but to me that looks like what he has.

cj maxx

I've contacted old gf's on Facebook, not because I was drunk, but because I was deeply unhappy, lonely and trying to return to the place when I was , in hindsight, at the happiest place in my life. That speaks volumes. He's lost at this moment in his life, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you imo , but he's lost. Maybe it's the drink, maybe worry about 'providing ' a home etc for you. There doesn'thave to be a reason . I don't know your ages , hopes for children, etc. But please postpone your wedding until his (and as a couple) your issues are faced up to. Maybe AA would be a good idea.. strike that DEFINITELY gi to a few AA meetings. As someone who's went to AA meetings during a tough time it's amazing to just go to and vent/ explain/query in total confidence what is going wrong in your life and have understanding, not sympathy. Alcohol isn't a particularly addictive drug but if its part of a routine its very insidious on how it becomes the raison d'etre to go out. I'm watching TV and the HSBC ad was on. It , in 2 minutes, it describes the downward spiral people can find themselves in . And he is in spiral.

Postponing the wedding isn't the same as ending it, more building a foundation. I wish you both the best.

DeanAustin

I married an alcoholic and it was very expensive financially and emotionally. It's so easy in Ireland to excuse drinking to the point of blackout because most people I know have done it and many do it regularly. But drinking regularly to the point of blackout is a problem.

My ex wife has serious problems she won't acknowledge. Her drinking is out of control but friends and neighbours, who don't really see the consequences, excuse it as "she just likes a drink." I gave her an ultimatum which I thought would work and she chose to keep drinking. Following through was really hard but it was the right thing to do.

Don't marry him if he does have a problem he won't admit or address. The text messages are also a worry. Everything here screams a man who isn't happy in life. The drinking is a problem and the text messages are just a symptom of a guy who is longing a bit for someone else. Not because he was happier with her but he's probably remembering the good times with her only and when you compare that to his current situation, where I'm sure you have ups and downs like every couple, he's pining for an idealised version of his past.

Don't let this slide. I'm not saying don't marry him but he's got to acknowledge what he's done, where his head is at and address his drinking. Good luck with it but don't come back here in a few years with a divorce story. Take it from someone wearing the t-shirt - it's not a good place to be.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119186511#Comment_119186511

She is simply doing the OP a massive, massive favour.

I was once told by a lady whose husband walked out after 50 years of marriage that you never ever know what a man is actually thinking. The OP knows what he is thinking now, and as hard it could possibly be for them they need to walk away.

The drinking is a refuge from the reality that he is not truly happy to be with the OP.

bottlebrush

Consider this as your crystal ball moment. What you're seeing now is a predictor of what life will be if you marry him. What he is now is most likely what he will be in the future. If you marry him you're telling him there are no consequences for his behaviour. And you'll spend the rest of your days asking, begging, pleading about his drinking and wondering what other woman he's thinking about now. Until several years down the road, and you may have children, you eventually can't take anymore. And you'll look back and think well I knew all this before I married him. Why didn't I leave him and seek out somebody who had more of the qualities I wanted. Being together 8 years and being engaged doesn't justify spending the rest of your lives together.

Don't waste any more time trying to figure him out. Instead concentrate on figuring out what kind of a future you want for yourself. Instead of settling for what you get, look for what you want.

Big Bag of Chips

I have lectured him over and over again as I don't want my mother's life.

Lecturing won't make a blind bit of difference. If his drinking isn't having a very real negative effect on his life then he's not going to stop. With problem drinker their drinking becomes a problem for those they live closest too before it actually becomes a problem for them.

You spend your time smoothing things over. Making life easy for him. Covering for his mistakes. Covering for him if he's drunk/hungover. Enabling him to continue what he's doing by making life easier for him.

I have posted here over the years about my husband's problems with drink. Like your fella, he had a good job. Never missed a day. Wasn't physically abusive. Wasn't drinking vodka in the morning. Wasn't drunk in a ditch on Saturday nights. But he was drinking far too much and it was affecting our relationship and his relationship with his children.

Like you I argued, begged, lectured, cried. But while doing all that I collected him from the pub. I lied to family about where he was (the pub) when we were invited to family things. I picked up drink with the shopping when he asked me to. I totally enabled him to keep drinking while arguing that he was drinking too much. I thought if he knew how unhappy I was he'd stop. But that's not how drink works. He wanted to drink. I was nagging him about drinking. His drinking "wasn't affecting anyone" (he was still earning a wage, he was turning up to work, he wasn't physically abusing me) So he had no reason to stop.

We fought. I cried. We argued. I begged him again to stop drinking. I threatened to leave etc etc etc. Until one night I did actually leave. I didn't do it to threaten him or make him see the light. I did it because I had reached a point where I knew I could no longer live the life I was living. I was 100% ready to walk away from my marriage. There were many many many times over the previous years when I should have done it, but I wasn't ready at that time. I had been going to Al-Anon. I had been going to counselling. And both of these things helped me reach the point where I realised, he wasn't going to change, and more importantly I didn't have to continue living that life. Life that was fine for him, but slowly eroding me.

So I left. I told him I was done. I'd had enough. He begged. He pleaded. He promised. I told him it was all too late. He stopped drinking the night I walked out and hasn't touched a drop since. That was over 2 years ago. I did move back under very strict conditions. He now knows I will not tolerate his drinking and the carry on of him while he was drinking.

Most people can handle alcohol and don't turn into arseholes when they drink. Some people can't. And the arsehole side of them doesn't care who they affect, so long as they are allowed to carry on doing what they want.

You're not ready to tackle this, just yet. But you are now thinking about things and realising it's not right. It's a complicated situation and it's very easy for those looking in to say "Walk away". I would have advised me to walk away if I was looking in objectively. Its not so easy when you're in the middle of it. It took me YEARS (we're together 22 years this year, and I only walked away 2 years ago!)

You'll be OK. You just need to come to the realisation that he is not more important than you. And you don't have to lose who you are in order to keep life cushy for him.

Bricriu

Printer25, with all due respect, don't marry this person.

In fact, don't marry anyone until you are mature.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119187066#Comment_119187066

Thanks so much..Such empathy and understanding and it is like a mirror image of us now...He felt all along he wasn't affecting anyone until now. I have taken space away from him for a bit until I have time to process it all and he knows I am not tolerating it anymore. Maybe this is the time he will change but if not, I have the chance now to walk away forever . Thanks again x

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119187178#Comment_119187178

I feel mature but perhaps you're right. I am naive and I wasn't fully seeing the bigger picture. Focused on the positive traits in him, that I felt they outweighed the drinking. He is a beautiful sweet guy but deeply unhappy at times and not quite able to express emotions. He is embarrassed to cry in front of me. Hides it...I thought until now that I brought him happiness but the unhappiness is there for him in the relationship while he seeks out contact with exs. Drink makes people nostalgic and possibly missing whatever she brought into his life but the lovingly messages indicate a deception that I can't ignore. It is the straw on the camels back for me to finally wake up.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119186377#Comment_119186377

That is chillingly accurate isn't it. I have a soft heart like my mother and forgive easily and she covered up for him all the time. Even had to parent alone.

Big Bag of Chips

You have the right frame of mind. Over the years I threatened to walk away, but never did. And he knew the threats weren't real. I knew the threats weren't real! I wasn't ready to walk away and we both knew that.

So, when I actually did it we both realised it was real. I didn't do it to get a reaction from him or to get his attention. Me walking away was never about him. It was about me.

You'll be OK. Definitely try find yourself a good Al-Anon group. My one changed my life.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119186589#Comment_119186589

To to quantify by comment above, I'm a regular drinker out of pure habit but I have never ever drunk to a state where I passed out due to it.

Printer25

My finance used to get very drunk and sent inappropriate messages a girl he was with 10 yrs ago. They had a friends with benefits type of arrangement. We are together 8 yrs. He says the drink makes all men think about sex and that is why he intiates conversations with this girl as ' he enjoyed it'. He has never done it sober and when he has done it, has forgotten he even texted her. This girl reached out to tell me about it. He has given up alcohol 100% since I cancelled the engagement and I told him I'd never be with a guy with alcohol issues. Is it possible to move past the messages with this girl and the fact he thinks about sex with her when that drunk? Is that understandable somehow? Or a big red flag still even with the alcohol being gone?

...Ghost...

You already covered this in another thread => https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058249499/drunk-messages#latest

Take the advice given there.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119236729#Comment_119236729

I have though, I have ended the engagement but he has quit drink altogether since and he wants to try again. So if the drink isn't an issue anymore,should I stop reading into the drunk messages and try again sometime in the future him? He seems committed to cutting out alcohol altogether

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119237145#Comment_119237145

Given that the content is in the other thread, you might be best advised to post back there which might bring back the original contributors.

Printer25

I have ended the engagement and left the relationship for a break until I had to process it all after the shock of it all. He has not touched alcohol since, got a counsellor and joined the gym. He is determined to quit alcohol and he is finally enjoying his life again. He is working through his issues. He wants to be with me and he is doing this not only for him but us. Emotionally though he has offered some explanation of the drunk messages and that is when he is drunk he thinks of her as he enjoyed the sex with her but when sober, he is ashamed of himself for doing it and is adamant he doesn't have feelings for her. He admitted that when sober he knew he did was texting her the night after but he couldn't face telling me due to the shame and fear of losing me. He said he was consumed with feelings that I was losing interest me when drinking but he never mentioned feeling that way when he was sober..Can the relationship be recovered? I don't trust him currently but should I trust him again if the drink is gone. Are the texts themselves meaningless and just a consequence of heaving drinking or are they still a red flag issue?? He wants to try again and is working through his issues but are the trust issues I have still valid? Again apologies but I am trying to protect him and our privacy by not yet discussing it openly with anyone.

YellowLead

I think only time will tell - one step at a time. Very smart to end the engagement and take some time out of the relationship. It would be very easy to say a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and you will likely carry trust issues forward - but he could be one of the ones who comes through and wants to turn his life around for himself. But much time is needed to see.

Big Bag of Chips

Alcoholism/Alcohol abuse is a very complex issue. It can make people do things they would never consider doing sober. But.. That doesn't change the fact he did it and then lied about not remembering. He tried, and is still trying to somehow make it your fault - He thought you were losing interest etc.

This isn't something that happened once off over a weekend. His excessive drinking was going on for a long time. Texting her was going on a long time. You still don't know if it stopped at texting or if he actually cheated on you. Not with her, but some other woman he came on to when out and was feeling sorry for himself because he thought you were "losing interest". Did you ever cheat on him? Even when you thought he was losing interest?

It's only been a few days. You need to take a lot of time to watch, and see how likely he is to fall back to old habits. He's on his best behaviour now. But can he keep it up?

As for the texts, and you trusting him again, that's something only you can decide. And only time can help you with. If you think it was too disrespectful to your relationship, that's OK. You have the right to not want to get back with him. If you think he deserves a chance and is taking the right steps to prove to you how sorry he is, that is also OK. Just be very careful of taking on responsibility for his failings. Be careful of falling into the trap of listening to his - I only did x because you were doing y.

He's an adult man. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. If you were doing something that he was upset about the correct thing to do is talk to you. Not text an ex when he was drunk and horny.

Read this - And find an Al-Anon group. You're going to need it if you decide to give him a chance. It will help you work through how you are feeling. It'll be a space for you to figure out what has been going on and how you feel about it.

Jequ0n

So you think he is a changed person and no longer an addict after he stayed off the booze for (less than?) 2 weeks?

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but judging by this and your more recent thread it sounds like you are still far more concerned about the drunk messages than the addiction.

Big Bag of Chips

@Jequ0n The OP is entitled to be concerned about anything in her relationship. Relationship issues are rarely present in isolation. She had normalised his drinking. Had almost accepted it. And then she found out he was abusing her trust and going behind her back texting another woman. That brings another dimension and one she is right to properly consider. If this is the thing that makes her realise that she has been accepting unacceptable behaviour, then good. If she wasn't considering this aspect she might already have gone back to him because he's doing all the right things now. She wouldn't be the first.

Being in a relationship with an alcohol abuser isn't a straight line OP. I think you need to go get yourself some counselling, or an Al-Anon group to try pick through everything. Living with a problem drinker messes with your head. It skews your thinking. AA is a recovery programme for those with alcohol issues. Al-Anon is a recovery programme for their loved ones. You need to focus on your own recovery first, before you can even begin to think about him/his.

Big Bag of Chips

@ryna23 welcome to the Personal Issues Forum. I've deleted your post.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119237705#Comment_119237705

Thank you so much Big Bag of chips . I can honestly say every word you say means so much as the empathy you have is really touching. I did normalise the drinking and the messages did abuse the trust. I never knew about Al Anon group. Yes emotionally I am struggling and I am not talking to anyone to protect him and privacy. I need to talk to someone though as it is all only 2 weeks and I feel waves of very mixed up emotions. He wants the hope of us recovering from this and maybe I am putting pressure on myself to come to a decision but the decision may just be clearer with time. It is very hard to reach out when I feel this way and i don't want to feel judged or be rejected by people as it would only add to the emotional struggling I am already going through. You are 100% right, it took this to make me realise the drinking was no longer acceptable..I feel so relieved that you/someone understands that.

Girl Geraldine

It's over.

Finish it and leave. Block him on everything and delete his number and don't entertain any roundabout ways he might try to contact you with "flying monkies".

Any hassle, go the the gardai about a safety order.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119238537#Comment_119238537

If this was happening to your family member that you care about, what advice would you give them? It's very hard to look objectively at a situation when romantic feelings are involved. Remember you deserve the best and should be treated with respect. Here If you ever need a chat.

...Ghost...

You may decide that this is not worth the effort to work through the issues of alcoholism and his drunken unacceptable behaviour. Only you can make that decision but you need to take time and not feel pressured, so make that clear to him.

If he is serious about correcting these issues, then it could be the best thing that’s ever happened. Sometimes we need to be shocked out of bad behaviour and people can fantastic changes from terrible situations. I would tread carefully and be sure he is making the right moves, such as properly dealing with the booze….which means joining AA, getting professional help and being honest.

I don’t see his explanation of feeling you had been losing interest as a way of blaming you though. I think it was just him telling you he is insecure. Being insecure can make you feel you need constant reassurance and it needs to be dealt with.

I hope no matter what, it works out. Good luck.

89897

Massive big red flag all round!! Maybe some men thing of sex more when drunk, it absolutely does not make men text other people inappropriately when drunk, while they are in happy committed relationships.

Theres two issues here- 1. Getting so drunk he doesnt remember texting other women (though I wouldnt believe a word of that) and 2. texting other women drunk or not.

Hes playing games, the alcohol is only part of the issue.

Printer25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119238616#Comment_119238616

Thank you very much ..Helpful advice and it means a lot..