Who to invite to Wedding

jarnoo · 12-06-2022 1:34am #1

My partner and I have been living together for over a decade, have a baby daughter, and have been engaged for some time now. We're totally committed to each other and to being married, but the actual wedding bit is a source of stress that we've been putting off for ages.

We're in our 30s, both pretty quiet, shy and reserved people and don't really have any friends outside of each other these days. We lived abroad for a long time which is probably a part of it, and since coming back to Ireland we don't live too close to where either of us grew up.

Of who we might invite we both have old school and university friends but we've fallen out of touch with them to a degree over the years, there's nobody we see regularly. Our social life currently revolves around people in local parent and child groups but have only met very recently and aren't that well acquainted. We'd both grab a drink with work colleagues now and then (before baby came at least), but again these are more acquaintances than anything really. So the list of people we'd potentially invite is very small, and also we'd feel kind of awkward and embarrassed inviting them and leaving them wondering why there's nobody else there because we're sure none of them would consider inviting us if they were having a wedding that small.

On the family side, mine is tiny. I've no living parents and no cousins. I've one brother and a couple of uncles and that's it, and my brother is the only one I'm actually in touch with with any kind of regularity. My partner's side is bigger, two sisters, parents, with a lot of aunts and uncles and dozens of cousins, but again she's not close to any of them other than the immediate family and doesn't really want a wedding that's just full of her cousins while my side is so small and we've next to no friends there.

Every possible combination of who to invite feels awkward and uncomfortable to us. Just my brother and her sisters and parents for a single table meal? Or do I add my uncles to balance out the numbers, even though we're not close? I feel like they'd be wondering why I'd invite them to such an intimate wedding and not other people. But then if I added a couple of friends that feels weird too if it was just them and my partner's close family.

Personally I'd be happy with just signing a bit of paper to make it official without any fuss and to put all of our efforts into the honeymoon, but she understandably wants the wedding dress and all of that side of it to feel special, while she's also super self conscious about the whole thing. She's been floating the idea of an elopement wedding in Europe for just the two of us, there are packages that exist which I'm fine with for the most part but as I mentioned we have a baby we'd be taking with us and would really need someone we trust to look after her during the ceremony etc. The more we talk about it the more she's unsure though because she's worried it'd be kinda sad with just the two of us. So we've going around in circles and never really commit to anything.

There are extremely practical reasons (tax, security) why we really ought to stop delaying, though she hates thinking of it in those terms. I think we need to bite the bullet and decide on something soon.

...Ghost... · 12-06-2022 1:48am

Stop overthinking it. Invite your witnesses and have a ceremony and a nice meal after. Doesn't have to be a big event. It just needs to suit you both.

No reason why your child can't be part of the ceremony. My son was 3 when I married my wife. He was right beside us during civil ceremony.

12-06-2022 2:09am

Why do the numbers have to balance? Its quality, not quantity! ;)

I'd go with having both your siblings and her parents, for the one table dinner. It sounds lovely and intimate to me, and great for people who don't want a huge fuss.

Enjoy your day!

B.A._Baracus · 12-06-2022 2:42am

Just have a small wedding.

Big weddings are silly. To share a story, I was at a wedding reception a few months before pandemic hit and there was no point for me, the Mrs or anyone at the table to be there. One bloke left after dinner, another guy "jokingly" said "I guess we're (grooms name) rejects table huh?" - I left after an hour or two. Groom was the type of bloke that if you had a 55 inch TV he would have to have a 56 inch TV. So I knew what he was doing (I reckon his misses invited say 60 so he had to as well) But alas, i didn't realise that until too late. Utterly pointless inviting that many.

Keep it small. Invite those closest. Even even its only something like 3 each. Don't care what people think. But you can pass it off as not wanting a big wedding etc.

I think big weddings are like social media. You can add 500 people and it don't mean jack. You're not true friends with even a small percentage of that. Its all for show.

Mystery Egg · 12-06-2022 8:33am

Get married in the early evening somewhere picturesque. Make the ceremony really meaningful to you both. Invite tiny numbers and have a really spectacular meal with an open bar. It will not feel sad, it will feel intimate and fabulous. Shift your perspective here and it will be something to get really excited about.

Consider inviting an acquaintance or two that you both really like and it may help propel you into friendship proper with them, too.

gameoverdude · 12-06-2022 5:19pm

Have the small wedding. Way more fun and less pressure.

At least you know the people there and you're pretty sure they want to be there!

piplip87 · 12-06-2022 5:28pm

Had the same conundrum for the past year. Got married last week.

We left Ireland two weeks ago yesterday, went to Yonkers, New York on Tuesday for marriage license (in and out in a half hour) Married in Central Park on Wednesday, (15 minute long ceremony) came home last Monday. All in all cost us about 4 grand I clouding flight, hotel, food and attractions.

Myself, herself and two kids went, our officiant even provided a witness.

No mess, no fuss about who to invite, no parents or siblings telling us we had to invite "X" because his father did my father a favour 20 years ago.....

We are having a BBQ with family and close friends to celebrate in a few weeks.

Gant21 · 12-06-2022 5:34pm

The only problem with small weddings is after the grub they can fall flat.

rolling boh · 12-06-2022 5:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119192741#Comment_119192741

does it have to go on long after the grub have never been to a very small wedding so just wondering because i presume a wedding of that size is a lot shorter than the standard one .

Gant21 · 12-06-2022 5:39pm

You surely want some entertainment and dancing no?

rolling boh · 12-06-2022 5:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119192769#Comment_119192769

if there is a very small number is music etc still likely ?

gameoverdude · 12-06-2022 5:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119192714#Comment_119192714

Congrats!

gameoverdude · 12-06-2022 5:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119192741#Comment_119192741

I dunno about that! Haven't met my relatives!

Sure, I'm not into late nights. Maybe the OP is.

We're planning on getting married next year and about 20 people invited. Nothing mad, but I imagine good craic.

LunaIsMyUsername · 12-06-2022 5:50pm

I went to a beautiful small wedding in a registry office about 6 years ago, it was a lovely small intimate setting, bride had a beautiful simple white wedding dress, the cake was lovely and there were about 5 people in attendance and a photographer. Afterwards we went for a meal then to the pub for a few pints and had a great night. It was a nice little celebration and no fuss. Honestly I think allot of couples spend thousands on wedding ceremonies to impress the people they're inviting and some of the worst weddings ive been to have been in over the top venues surrounded by people sitting in their own groups and not knowing whose related to or friends with either one of the couple.

This is your special day and is all about you both celebrating your love, that's the only thing that really matters.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-06-2022 10:42pm

Invite the people you would like to share your day with. Whoever, and how many ever that may be.

Think about your photos in 20 years time and who you'd like to see in them. It doesn't matter if they're friends, relatives, neighbours.

Don't over think it.

Think about who you'd like to be there to watch you get married, and invite them.

HalloweenJack · 13-06-2022 6:48am

Different strokes for different folks. I got married last week with a hundred guests and it felt like a good number.

The best advice given to me was to only invite people you feel comfortable having a one-on-one with. If you are doing +1, its a bit more complicated but essentially it rings true. At your wedding, everyone will want to talk to you for a few minutes so make sure the people you invite are people you can actually stand chatting to.

There were a few of my schoolfriends that I didn't invite because it's been a long time since I've seen them and a wedding is not the place to be catching up after so long. I didn't invite any of my colleagues because I don't have any relationship with them outside the workplace.

I did my best to talk to all the people I invited on the day and I didn't get stuck in awakward conversations.

rolling boh · 13-06-2022 7:13am

I think it's the lack of numbers to invite is the concern of the op in that case best option is a small do something to eat and a few drinks somewhere. As others have said little point in having people you barely know just for the sake of it .

DoctorEdgeWild · 13-06-2022 4:49pm

+1 for elopement, although we did it with our parents there, they just didn't know they were going to a wedding! Just grabbed them in a car, drove to the office, did the deed, had a bloody brilliant day. Genuinely one of the best days of my life, with only six people and the officials in the building! I'd really, really recommend ignoring all outside noise and just do what is right for you and your partner. Nobody else has to come into the conversation/consideration (except baby obviously!)

Don't even consider the numbers at all. A meal, no meal, a take away, a barbecue, a giant pizza, whatever the Hell you want, with as few people as you want. There are no rules, it's between you and her only. Best of luck with it, whatever you decide. ☺️ (Oh, and in case you are wondering, not one of my friends/family were in any way put out, they thought it was a fantastic surprise to see a ring next time they saw me. The people who love you want you to be happy)

Neyite · 15-06-2022 10:48am

We are having a smallish wedding - uneven numbers but at this stage, his family is my family anyway.

Equally, we would have been happy with a fab holiday, and coming back married. But we are weeks away from it now so ploughing on. There's some excitement from people which is lovely but by and large, wedding planning has been me fielding off other people's opinions and getting dragged into family drama that's got sod all to do with a wedding!

You literally get to pick the bits you want. So if she wants a proper wedding dress, veil and something blue, go for it whether it's a gang of 60 or you and two witnesses. Whether it's here or somewhere lovely. We've a kid too and it would feel so weird to not have him included so for us it's less of a couple wedding but more of rubber stamping our family status, the three of us.

The pandemic has forced couples to think outside the box and I've seen some absolutely fab weddings - one friend just did a registry office in a historic city with no guests due to level 5 and they hired a photographer to follow them around posing and sometimes goofing around in the rain and you know what, her photos were amazing. It looks like they had an absolute blast.

Throw out the rule book. Start with a list of what you want - not what you think you should have - and let it take shape from there.

Jafin · 15-06-2022 11:41am

I'd say just invite the people you both are closest with and have something small and relatively informal. A lot of people put too much time, money and stress into planning weddings with people they never even particularly wanted there in the first place. A few years ago two of my friends went off to Galway with their parents and a couple of siblings and got married, it was very small. Remember that the day you get married is about you and your partner, not about pleasing anybody else. I'd say a lot of people you lost touch with would you be happy not to get invited anyway.

cj maxx · 17-06-2022 12:03am

As others have said invite the people you want to see in your photos in years time. Don't worry about balancing out relative numbers. Maybe a few of the other daddy's and mammys if it's convenient for you all