Wife and her male colleague

Sardonicat

You're driving yourself demented with paranoia! Just talk to your missus. This guy sounds like her mate, nothing more. She probably keeps quiet about him to you because of your reaction to him in the past. He might be a chancer, your gut feeling is very strong about him and in my experience those gut feelings tend to be correct, and your wife is being naive. But there is nothing to suggest to me that your wife is cheating on you. Carry on the way you are and the long game this lad is playing might pay off.

Talk to your wife, tell her you want to repair your relationship and want to go to couples counselling. Forget about how many phones this lad has. Maybe he was out if battery and borrowed someone else's . Focus on strengthening your relationship and being able to open up to each other.

JoChervil

I'm going to have a direct conversation with her as to whether they still communicate. Hopefully she says they do in which case I think it's all innocent.

But if she is vague about it, it might indicate it's all not innocent or that she doesn't want to touch sensitive to you subject. Which interpretation will you choose?

OP I think you need to make some soul searching and change your attitude. Everything what is odd, just treat as an opportunity to discuss new emerging things and get closer to your wife instead of treating it as a threat distancing you from your wife.

Hannibal_Smith

What made you check her phone again?

You've spent the last week and a half driving yourself mad. Go talk to your wife.

Dtp1979

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348369#Comment_119348369

But she’s going to lie if she’s cheating, so what’s the point?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348627#Comment_119348627

Because at least he'll have addressed it and its up to him whether he believes her or not.

OP you've spent the last week and a half going between being convinced she's cheating, to convinced she's not, to now checking her phone again. You're still in a lot of doubt, talk to her and if you feel you're still not happy with what she's saying, well then you can make a decision knowing you did all you could.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348226#Comment_119348226

Thanks.

I did know her so called love lanagiage, and yes, probably stank of desperation of some kind.

I've been in a long term relationship in the past and never really questioned that persons love for me.

So yes, I've always had this feeling that there was no desire from her side. I'm just the father of her kids with whom she shares a house with.

Safe to say I'm done. I'm done with this other guy, I'm gonna let that part lie because I don't really think something happened.

No she has never craved me, even though she would strongly disagree. Which makes me even more angrier and more sad. A guy would know if his wife enjoys him and this one simply doesn't.

Time to work on myself, and ensure my kids have the best father possible.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119349031#Comment_119349031

She never craved you even before you got married? Why on earth did you press on with marrying her. Sorry, I know that’s not helpful but the mind really boggles - why do so many men do this and then wonder why they are miserable.

If she has never craved you is she really going to start now? Are you ever going to be happy knowing this? Coupled with the cheating doubts?

Hopefully increased communication will give things a chance and foster more intimacy, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Worth trying of course.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119349107#Comment_119349107

Naturally she bombarded me with compliments and showed desire at the start which lasted a year or more I guess. From there it dwindled or plummeted!

Right now, I've no interest in fixing this. Alot of posts have made me realise and open my eyes to the fact that there has been nothing from her for so so long, even though I raised it quite a number of times.

One of her compliments is that she buys me clothes that she knows will look good on me. Give me a break! Show desire, or don't show it all.

omeara1113

Terrible situation to be in but for me if the trust is gone in a relationship that's it if your checking her phone and suspecting she's having an affair it's time to go

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119350878#Comment_119350878

Ok and after that year or more what happened? Was she by any chance pregnant with one of the kids or just after giving birth? Do you understand what that can do to a woman's self-esteem, body confidence, libido? It can completely crash them. And of course things like that even without children, dwindle off a little after the first year. Jaysus even "Friends" showed this happening. So my question is what did you do when that happened? Did you attempt to have a conversation & understand her (as opposed to just give out) or did you withdraw too? Maybe she doesn't know how to fix it.

Eh that to me shows that she does still like/want you. She's invested in ensuring that you look & feel good & her way of doing it is to buy you clothes that will look good. And as you mention, the last time she showed you desire, you instantly questioned her motives!? What the hell? If that was me in her shoes, I'd be like "fine, I'm done. You wanted me to show desire & I did but got rejected."

Honestly there are 2 of you in this relationship but you don't sound like you're listening to her at all in terms of what she's saying she wants. And maybe she isn't putting in the effort either but neither of you is more to blame than the other.

As for the whole situation with her colleague - look chances are nothing happened at all. Or if anything did happen years ago, it was possibly before you were even on the scene & it's all been gotten over since. I've had really close relationships before with male work colleagues that were completely innocent. Stop checking her phone, have a genuine conversation about it all (without asking her to take a flippin online quiz) and sign up for some couples counselling to sort yourselves out if only for the kids. Coz even if you do decide the marriage is over, the kids are young enough that you'll be around each other for a long time to come.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119352219#Comment_119352219

Yes we've had kids around that time. And yes, we had conversations where I was totally understanding. Fair enough, when I got rejected, that's a **** feeling, but I listened to her and understood that her body and mind was not what it used to be before kids.

If you're husband or partner initiated sex twice this year, and both times were the day after a stag party, I'm sure you would at least wonder why that was.

We may be ok. I don't know. At least we are talking about it, and that's something.

Thanks to everyone for their opinions. I haven't replied to all but there were so many.

Could I ask the mod to close the thread please?

JoChervil

OP, one of the theories about relationships claims that they develop along U line. First is the peek of excitement coming very often from delusions about our partner, then knowing each other better we got slightly disappointed with each other faults. It is a reality check. So we get to the lowest point when most couples split. Your marriage has just got through the most difficult time rearing very small kids. So it would be a shame to give up on your relationship just now, when things can only get better. Counselling could help you both and your kids as well. I believe people can get to the top of "U" again but in a different way. More mature, happier and freely showing their vulnerabilities.

I wish you all the best.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119352857#Comment_119352857

Thanks @JoChervil

Very positive post and yes we have been through quite a few stages.

My emotions were a bit all over the place the last few days. Think they are somewhat more regulated now.

I see red flags here too, but honestly not in a way you'd like, OP.

A lot of her behaviours sound to me like she keeps things from you and is vague about details as she wants to avoid conflict with a controlling / jealous spouse who gets suspicious easily - and some of the posters here are not helping you by feeding into this side of your nature.

I don't agree that getting angry at what is tantamount to an accusation is some kind of admission of guilt. If you wrongfully accuse someone of something they haven't done, they are also justified in getting angry about it. If someone questioned my intergrity and accused me in that way, they'd find their ass outside the door, very fast.

Someone who has never met you, or your wife, can declare based on a few posts on an internet forum that "yeah, she is definitely cheating on you!"

I am totally confused now, as to the timeline 😵- I thought the texts at 4am were recent, but now you say they were years ago? I'm starting to believe you're making this up as you go along, or you're confused yourself.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119354353#Comment_119354353

Wow thanks for your opinion.

I'll admit I've gotten jealous before and told my spouse at the time how it felt.

As for the outburst she had when it was raised before, there was no accusation of any sorts. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. Then she got angry, shouted and also cried. No accusation was made. So make of that what you will.

I'm not controlling in any aspect of our relationship. My wife has her own life and can do what makes her happy.

I came here because there were certain things that to me were suspicious. I went with my gut. This isn't a regular thing. It happened 5 or so years ago and was left go. Then it popped up again recently.

4am texts were 5 plus years ago. And no, none of this is being made up.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348050#Comment_119348050

OK so the call and text messages made were about what kind of drink she's like and in what kind of glass? You have known this since looking at her phone before you started this thread. Given this new information, why did you wait nine pages before telling us? This thread could have ended on page 1 when people back then could have told you to cop on. Instead, starting with your opening post, you allowed the presumption on here of an affair or something going on...

My gut told me to check her phone the other day. I've only done this once and that was after she told me about the Xmas party 5 years ago. Low and behold, she had an outgoing call at 12am to one of her male colleagues at the retirement function. The same colleague she drove to the Xmas party with all those years ago. I have never heard him been mentioned in the last 5 years. She also had 6 missed calls from him just before she called him.

To be honest, I was sceptical about a number of your posts and this takes the biscuit. Effectively you've wasted people's time for whatever reason.

Now, in terms of your relationship, you had absolutely no grounds to look at her phone but you decided to breach her trust and check it. What became more evident from your mistrust was that:

1. there remains no evidence that your wife has been unfaithful to you
2. you are controlling and need to deal with that
3. you're a timewaster

Maybe some will suggest that your wife would be better off away from you if this is how you treat her. I won't but I do think it!

dybbuk

Personally, I try not to jump to conclusions, but I did notice that the OP was inconsistent.

However, I found that his statments in respect to his feelings and intentions were all over the place; more so than his account of the situation. From something like "I will talk to her" to :Right now, I've no interest in fixing this. Alot of posts have made me realise and open my eyes to the fact that there has been nothing from her for so so long, even though I raised it quite a number of times." and back in a matter of hours.

Basing on the assumption that this thread is genuine and the welfare of children is on stake, I would like to restate the most sensible advice OP received above:

1) Try talking to your wife.

2) See a therapis,t if you can find a good one, which of course may not be easy if at all possible.

3) My advice: communicate more than you would think is "normal"! To explain why I would have to make what would be conisdered a "sweeping statement" byt the mods, so I won't. There are different takes on communication in relationships that depend on cultural context and in fact psychologists do not recommend complaining about certain things at all. However, in this case I beleive to have detected "lingering" that time will definitely not heal. It needs to be resolved.

Finally, I do not understand why the thread remain active, since the OP had asked for it to be closed.

dybbuk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119354353#Comment_119354353

Not "tantamount", of course not. But a "guilty" wife is more likely to react with anger - and don't forget t e a r s (!) than some one with nothing to reproach herself. Not everyne is like you. If my spouse were to suspect me cheating, it wouldn't make me angry. I'd be concerned that she lacks trust and I don't think that anger would improve her condition. See above...

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348199#Comment_119348199

If John is married, and has a habit of doing such things, he might have a jealous missus at home who knows what he gets up to and checks his phone.

Burner phones are cheap

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked at OP's request.