How to respond when getting hassle about being single?

ratatouille99

I'm mid-20s, which you'd imagine is too young for this kinda hassle, but apparently not.

I've been single since Christmas 2020 after a pretty terrible long term relationship. For the most part, I like being single. It's much easier than being in a bad relationship. I'm much happier now than I was for most of that relationship. It seems stupid to get into a relationship again, unless my life is better for having that person in it. I've had a few "flings" but either they're not what I'm looking for or vice versa. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a boyfriend, but as stated, don't see the point in settling if I'll be happier alone.

My relatives have already started getting on my case. About once a week my dad asks me "any fellas?" or will say something like "Deirdre's son is lovely. Is he still with that one that was in your year? I'd say he'd make a nice boyfriend". He jokes about "so when are you bringing someone home again?" or "will you have someone to bring along to Amy's wedding next summer?" a little too often for my liking. A couple of times my mom has said something about my standards being too high and the perfect man doesn't exist and I don't want to end up alone at 45 with a gambling problem like my uncle with commitment issues or whatever. My friends aren't as overt, but recently I've gotten a lot of pity? I wouldn't mind, but I never moan about being single and rarely moan about lads. Or the classic "how are you still single? You're so cute/pretty/such craic", implying something is wrong with me?

I hate to say, but it's starting to get to me a little. I'm lowkey thinking I am too fussy and I'll be Bridget Jones in 5 years minus having my own apartment. How do I defend myself and not let it get to me?

YellowLead

It sounds like your parents are way too involved in your life, and no offence but have old fashioned attitudes!

Im assuming you live at home? And not Dublin based?

Have you told them you are happy being single, and just talking a bit of time for yourself? If you guys are close, surely they will understand and stop asking.

Loafing Oaf

This very question addressed recently in After Hours

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058246275/best-responses-to-the-classic-why-are-you-still-single

maybe just ignore the flippant ones...

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058254697/how-to-respond-when-getting-hassle-about-being-single

You can literally do anything you want , your attached friends cannot

Dempo1

I'm male ( can i say that anymore 🤔) , 55 , engaged twice, had many relationships but ultimately a confirmed bachelor. It may be a thing with younger females, this stereotyping you should be in a relationship, perhaps I'm wrong but to be pressurised in mid 20"s is odd.

Some of the closest couples I know met in their 30"s, many went on to Marry, have kids, others just happy to be with each other. I know people in their 40"s who've not found that special person. OP, I wouldnt get caught up with other people's expectations, your naturally cautious because of a bad experience,, I certainly don't blame you but learn from that experience, you'll meet someone new in time, may even meet a few before meeting the right person and vica versa.

Enjoy life, but don't dwell on a bad relationship experience, I doubt theres many who've not had at least one bad relationship experience in their lives.

Chin up, do what's right for you, I'm old enough to be rude when others force opinions on me 😉

CramCycle

For your parents, a simple, "I'll wait for someone decent unless you want me to settle for someone who treats me poorly. Either way, stop asking it's annoying, I am still young and most people my age don't settle for another 10 years, times have changed so stop asking".

For everyone else, a simple "Mind your own business, I have standards and that's all you need to know" should do.

One Who Waits...

Jigsaw is worth a watch if you've not seen it. Feck it, I might even watch it again myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h46M5_fneXM

JoChervil

"Hello, it's 21st century!"

"Do you want to know what's wrong or what's right with me and my choices?"

Yet, if it starts getting into you, you need to explore what your real needs are because maybe you would like to settle. If being single was your real choice, such questions wouldn't bother you at all. In our twenties we simply have the biggest choice of free people, that's why your parents voice their concern. Yet anyone, who wants to be in a relationship, only needs the one compatible person, which they can meet at any age.

Panthro

"My standards are very high dad, like yours were with mum. But don't worry, you'll be the first to know if I see someone who takes my fancy. Until then, assume I'm single and happy out, OK. Can I borrow a tenner?"

KaneToad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119346736#Comment_119346736

A tenner! Haven't you heard, inflation is pushing 9%.

spontindeed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058254697/how-to-respond-when-getting-hassle-about-being-single

You just have to laugh it off and bounce it off whenever someone tells you that. I used to get the same questions like "are you stepping out with any lady" when I was 21 and I would simply say "no, not yet". For me, I would never date someone who isn't of European appearance, nor would I date anyone who is not from a respectable background.

Brid Hegarty

Bring home a girl. That'll shut them up.

bucketybuck

How to respond or defend yourself isn't the right question, because there is nothing to defend.

You need to ask yourself why it even bothers you in the first place.

spaceHopper

Next family wedding, you'll get a comment, you'll be next. Next family funeral go up behind them and return the comment and see how they like it.

Other than that there isn't much you can do. It will happen when it happens and if something is meant for you it won't pass you up

Floppybits

Tell your folks that you are single because you don't want to leave them. 😀

bitofabind

“None of your business” or “why would you ask me that?” were my go-tos at that age.

People will always cross boundaries and ask inappropriate questions, especially family. When you do meet someone it’ll be “so do I need to buy a hat soon?” and then if you get married it’ll be “will we be hearing the pitter patter of small feet soon?” Learn to shut it down now. Your life, your business.

completedit

You are aware of the wall aren't you? Also the longer you go without a relationship the more people with normal attachment styles pair up and those with issues take up the majority of the dating pool. This is something am realising at 30; people who would otherwise be in relationships would be if they didn't have some sort of problem with attachment or had normal desirability. It gets pretty bleak tbh and probably worse if you're a girl considering the options available at your age. It's a very small window of time to meet your match.

BTW so that someone doesn't accuse me of misandry or whatever I consider myself to be part of that group. Mid 20's is a great time to find someone tbh.

This is not meant to be bleak, if you stay attractive, get lucky and have a nice life you can meet people but it just gets increasingly harder as we age.

StevenToast

3 simple words....

I AM GAY!

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Warned for Breach of Charter. Not constructive advice.

LimeFruitGum

I'm sure the parentals mean well, but your relatives, however, can bog off. Why should they be so nosy about who you're dating, or what you are doing. It is absolutely none of their business. Do they know the previous relationship was 'terrible'?

Something like "I know you mean well, but you bring this up with me every single week. This isn't helpful, I don't want to keep having the same conversation all the time, can we stop doing that" ....or whatever wording will work best with them.  

They might not be used to you pushing back, going 'grey rock' in the face of nosy questions, or setting boundaries, so you'll probably get some response like "Sure I was only joking/asking, jaysus, can't you lighten up".

How they feel about your relationship status isn't your problem.

Neyite

I read somewhere that when asked "how come you're not married/ have a boyfriend / have kids" one woman would always reply "dunno, just lucky I suppose" and I thought it was a great answer.

For your parents you need to tell them that at this stage they are annoying by constantly asking you and could they please stop.

For your friends, just tell them you don't need their pity.

dublin49

Parents like me are always trying to sort out the kids lives with the best of intentions,they think you would be better in a relationship so they will harp on about it until they give up or you deliver,if your overweight ,it will be are you still going to the gym,underweight ,are you eating properly,no job,any interviews lined up.If kids like you cant handle this small inconvenience you shouldn't have had us.