starting to resent my husband

RileyElle

Hi everyone 🙋‍♀️ im sorry but i am going to delete the question in this post as someone has stated that the information i gave was too personal and that theres a possibility that my husbands family or that could see it, so i think i will delete it as if that is the case and someone belonging to him has seen it, although i would be glad that they might actually realise what iv dealt with, i think they would cause unnecessary drama towards us especially if it was someone belongning to him and like a lot of the good advice i have being given already we will have to work through the issues on our own or with counselling. thanks for the advice you all gave already it was much appreciated.

BronsonTB

You need to get yourselves to councilling & work through all these issues asap.

Looks like they have been building & building. Nobody should be miserable but no easy solution to this.

You both need to be willing to work at the marriage, othewrwise it's over & what happens next, well that's a very long road & not to be taken lightly.

Wish you luck, sounds like a tuff road ahead either way.

xii

Even if your name isn't Ellen, that's a lot of specific personal information that will lead your Family, Friends and husband that happen to see this to know it was you that posted, follow the advise above and delete i'd say.

Bluespecs

I think your husband should sell his vintage car. The money should then go towards food and regular household bills. You would do well to build up courage and preparedness for some tough conversations ahead...

gigantic09

Sounds like you would be better of ending your marriage .31 is no age and you have so much life to live yet.Maybe your husband can change but it can also go the other way and the relationship can become more intolerable.Tough decisions ahead but the sooner they are addressed ,the better imo

The Mighty Quinn

Oh I feel for you. This is not going to go well even if it all works out in the end, which I hope it does one way or the other.

On the outside looking in from what you've presented, he seems lazy, entitled, selfish. But, you talked about how kind he was when you met him, so you know that it's in there somewhere. He needs to tell you what his plan is for getting back on his feet and going back to work and earning some money, or if he'll never be able to work again, devise some sort of plan to make some sacrifices his end to reduce the pressure on you to provide. Is he really still injured, or is it an excuse?

Are your children really miserable? Does he know this? If not, why not? Or are they miserable because their parents are living together but hostile.

I'm not sure how you love somebody while simultaneously resenting them. Either way, it's an unhealthy blend and needs to be untangled. Be careful of falling into the trap of assigning blame to his spending based on what your parents have said to you. Married couples share a financial burdern, you've contributed more because you had more. Although 'borrowing' money for a classic car and a garage to house it seems a bit, well, pardon the pun, rich!

cuttingtimber22

First things first, have a chat with your own family and tell them they were right. They sound like they have your interests at heart and will support you for the necessary next steps.

Jequ0n

Do not involve your family. They have obviously had an issue with your husband from the start and have planted the thought in your head that he is only after your money. The last thing you need is biased people influencing you. You are better off speaking to a counsellor because at least they are more objective.

Based on your OP I don’t think he is just after your money. You have spent 12 years with him and you have made decisions together. I have no idea what amounts you are talking about, but if you had substantial amounts I don’t think a vintage car and garage are outrageous spends. The new house is something you agreed on, so you need to ask yourself why you went along with it when you weren’t happy about it. And how does he respond when you point out that he still owes you money? Do you ever discuss things?

It sounds like you have already created the “he was only ever after my money” narrative in your head, which might be clouding your judgement a bit.

Have you ever asked him about the car and garage and how we will pay you back? Likewise, have you ever discussed his work situation and how this is to be resolved? These are the actual issues, not the car or garage.

combat14

dear OP where to start - sorry to hear of your predicament - you possibly need to go for some gentle counselling yourself first before saying anything to your husband or family - if you say something to your husband of 12 years you might just unload all in one go and make matters worse - if you tell your family it may be difficult going forward if you stay with your husband -- a couple of sessions with a good counsellor may be a good start and then you will be in a good place to tackle/talk with himself and if needs be your family too.. put your own oxygen mask on first

it sounds as if your husband has worked for 8 or 9 of the last 12 last years - as a public servant if he had an accident at work and is off sick as a result surely he would be entitled to some compensation if genuine perhaps that would alleviate money concerns if genuinely the case

sounds like there were many positive things about your husband at the start of the relationship and for most of the 12 years - the money issues the last while havent help - hopefully a good marriage counsellor can get you both on the same page and focus on SOLUTIONS (not all the problems) and work things out if that is what is meant to be

Deeec

Op I think your family planted a seed in your head that he was only after your money and you have let the seed grow. The vintage car he purchased is an asset and can be sold if you need the money. The garage he built at his home house - presumably this is at his parents house and is of value to them in that it makes their property worth more. Surely his family could pay you something for the garage. While he did spend your money he didnt flitter money on stuff of no value, expensive lifestyle or gambling etc.

The new house - this was built with the best of intentions for your family. If you and the kids are not happy living there look at the reasons why and try and see how you can resolve this. Most people would love a new house in the country and country living has huge benefits for kids. I guess its not for everyone though but I think your husband wanted it for the best reasons. You need to discuss this as a family.

Is your husbands injury genuine - Do you feel he could go back to work? You need to address this with him. Its very stressful having someone at home doing nothing - I feel your pain on this. I think this could be the route of your problems in that you feel all responsibility has been put onto you with no help from him. You need to let him know how you are feeling. I think some counselling may help.