Spoiled Sister

Bipass

I have a younger Sister and an older Brother. We are all grown up with families and kids etc. Our parents split up years ago when my Sister was still a teen and I, well so was I come to think of it. My sister has always been a bit spoiled and has always been given preferential treatment. Material examples would be that she was always given first refusal if my Dad was upgrading his TV, or sofa, or small things like that. At Christmas, right up to this day, she would be given the more expensive gifts. She and her family would be taken on holidays with my Dad and partner regularly and this has never been the case with my brother and I. The treatment extends to her children too. They are practically raised by my Dads partner, as my sister always leaves some of her kids to stay over at my Dads. My kids see less of my parents because their time is hogged by my sisters kids. My Sister can be quite manipulative and plays nasty if she doesn't have her way, so I reckon this is largely why she gets so much attention.

This stuff has always been at the back of my mind over the years, but I never let it get to me and had the mindset that I had a decent relationship with my parents and they were always welcome to and usually willing to take one or two of our kids if we needed to pick up their birthday/christmas presents etc. While it has never bothered me that much, it has always really bothered my brother as he rightly points out that his kids never get a look-in. They probably see our parents 5% of the time as our sisters kids do and this is no exaggeration. My parents are always covering for her when she does something which hurts others, or for her lack of work ethic, but condemn my brother for the same thing.

I have recently told my Sister that I don't want her as part of my life any longer. I'm also not speaking to my parents as they were all complicit in the latest debacle. I'll try to keep this brief.

My Dad was left/promised a property owned by his late mother Italy and she lived with us in Ireland when her health declined. One of her sons moved to Italy with her and her will was changed to leave the property to him. Weeks later he moved to Scotland with his new GF. When my Dads mother moved in with us, she promised my Dad the Italian property in exchange for taking care of her, but she didn't update her will before she died. My Dad asked me to help him sort out the property and have it transferred to his name. It took several years and I had it finalised twice where he only needed to pay community and legal fees, but on both occasions, he got lazy at the finish line and the property remained in his brothers name who recognised my Dads claim to the property.

As recently as a few weeks ago, I had asked my Dad if he wanted to sort out the property. He changed the subject and I put it down to him just not wanting to deal with the property issue at that time. So as not to give the impression I heckle him about this, the last time I had brought it up was about a year previous when my Mother had said something about a community fee on the property.

I had encouraged my Dad to firstly get it into his name and ideally sell it and enjoy the money, or use it toward upgrading or changing his own property here in Ireland. I never wanted to gain financially and my only expectation was that he pay expenses I incurred in sorting it out, always with receipts/invoices for his records. It's not super luxurious and is worth less than 100k. It's also not somewhere any of us would visit for holidays, so I figured he would best sell it in the current market and wipe his hands of it.

At the local pub, my Sister had asked my Dad a few months ago if he was doing anything with the property. She asked if she could sort it out. I wasn't part of the conversation and only found out a few days that my Sister had gone behind my back and signed the property into her own name. She only text my brother and I after the fact and tried to make out that this was a good thing. I was really angry and phoned my Dad to piece together what had happened. I let him know what I thought of them all keeping it secret and he first tried to say he knew nothing about it. My Mother who usually can't keep a secret to save her life knew about this and never said anything. My sister is lying and has said she paid nearly 30k to have the property transferred to her and that she is giving my Dad the difference. My Dad said he wasn't being paid anything for it, which I believe, because he won't take money from her. My sister is unemployed, living in a council house and her husband is in a low paid job, only recently qualified in his field, so I know they couldn't afford to pay what she has claimed. Having dealt with the property for years, I know the only fees to be paid are solicitor fees, stamp duty and community fees. Community fees can be paid later, so the whole transaction is circa 5k and she stands to gain many multiples of that.

The financial end of things doesn't bother me, but it bothers my Brother as he feels he has been screwed out of part of his inheritance. What has really cut me is the secrecy of it all in order to accommodate my spoiled Sister. The greed and sense of entitlement is shocking. Had I been kept in the loop before all this happened, I would be annoyed about my Sister being given a foreign property for nothing, as I had done ALL the hard work in dealing with the red tape and legal requirements. However I would have respected my Dads decision and not let it drive a bigger wedge between us all.

I don't like the thought of cutting my Sister out of my life, but I think it is the best thing to do. I'm really angry and hurt that she went behind my back and did this when she knew how much effort I had gone through to sort it out and not for my benefit. I put all this to my Sister and she suggested I was the spoiled fvcker for not being happy for her. Am I being too harsh here? Should I just let it go as normal?

Markcheese

Let it go .. don't deal with your sister if you think she's a manipulate bitch.. or just deal with her superficially -

Don't cut your parents out.. you'll regret if you do..they already know you're pissed,if they're not doing anything to rectify things now they probably won't in future .. they don't see it as a problem ..

YellowLead

It’s the same in my family, except it’s both my siblings being spoiled, since childhood and given money towards houses etc and I have never been given anything - no clue why but all I know is that once I accepted it and that I couldn’t change it I didn’t care anymore.

Unfortunately we can’t change other peoples behaviour including our families, at the end of the day whether it’s them treating us badly or neglecting us etc once we are adults we have to let it go and be independent and accept that our siblings have a different experience.

Life can unfair, I know it’s hard when you see other families and how they operate when yours is dysfunctional, but at the end of the day they are your parents and your sister is their child and that’s another unique relationship- your parents might give more to her than you but at the end of the day have they actually been bad to you? so no harm in keeping the relationship with them going.

Jequ0n

You stated yourself that your sister always got preferential treatment from your parents, so this dynamic is more about them, rather than her. Have it out with them and see it they can see your point of view. Your anger towards your sister is probably more envy than actual anger.

Still stihl waters 3

You're better off not dealing with family you don't like or get on with, life's too short for shìt like that

HalloweenJack

If people are stressing you out and letting you down, then your life will be a lot easier if you have a lot less to do with them.

There are plenty of people who think that's a harsh way to desl with family but I'd agree with the above poster: Life's too short. Besides, you've let your family know what the problem is so they can't claim to be unaware.

The Mighty Quinn

Anybody who knows you or your family could readily identify you from your post above, just something to consider.

As other posters have advised, just accept the situation. Accept you'll never see eye to eye with your sister. Accept she's hoodwinking your father. Just get on with it, and let it roll off you like water off a duck's back. Don't harbour resentment, but rather try indifference. Resentment and anger will eat you and ruin your relationship with your parents. Try maintain a relationship with your parents, don't be worrying that your sister gets first refusal on a sofa or a telly or that her kids get preferential treatment with your parents. Just try love your parents and love the time you or your children can spend with them.

Pissy Missy

I have a sister like yours, headmelt, spoilt and entitled and has a meltdown if they don't get what they want.

The secrecy was very underhanded alright.

It takes a while to process the anger.

Your choice if you're done with your family or can maintain a civil relationship perhaps for the sake of your nephews/neices. Don't blame you for not wanting to have anything to do with her. Some people are intolerable and what's more infuriating is that they have no insight into their behaviour to others.

I think if you like/respect your parents and brother, maintain a relationship with them whilst learning from past experiences. In regards to your sister, that's really your call. I put up with a lot of BS from mine and for the sake of my mental health, our relationship is civil at best, I distance myself from her as much as possible, I just want to have a relationship with my nephews and nieces as her behaviour is not their fault.

bitofabind

Google "Golden Child", "Scapegoat", "childhood emotional neglect". And also sub-reddit #raisedbynarcissists

Not saying that's what's going on here, but it can all form part of a toxic family ecosystem where one sibling is favourited over others. It can have lifelong implications on your emotional wellbeing.

I've had similar family challenges. My approach has been low contact with the spoilt sibling - she has been enabled her whole life and will never change. There's no shot at a healthy relationship there that can benefit me in any way, but equally she's my parent's daughter so it's important to remain civil. And to not rise to her bs.

Where I've landed in general, after doing a lot of therapy to get myself emotionally healthy and extricated from the shame / blame game when you grow up in a family like this, is that I now operate in the real-world, where people are treated according to how they treat others and no-one gets any special treatment. The "anything goes" and wild-west rules that dictate how my sibling operates is not something I will tolerate; so when she kicks off, boundaries go up and I make it clear to my parents that if she insists on throwing a toddler tantrum, I'm not going to engage.

You're an adult now and you don't have to tolerate abuse. Sadly, relationships do get lost in the mix and inheritance issues can be a ticking timebomb. But it's worth it for the peace of mind. Do what you have to, to keep your own family healthy and safe from her.

I think the kind of deception that your parents participated in (and that's what it was, it wasn't just secrecy) plus the preferential treatment your sister has been given by them, along with the lack of recognition for all the effort you put in to sort out this property for your father, would be a deal breaker for me.

I'd drop them and focus my energy on my own family. They are never going to appreciate all you did for them.

ManOfMystery

I have experience of a very similar situation OP.

The fault here is 50/50. Your parents haven't behaved well, but your sister has no doubt also taken full advantage of her 'golden child' status and manipulated the situation to her benefit.

I don't expect that you'll get an apology or any kind of retraction here so I would agree with Loueze, keep them at arms' length in future and focus your energies on your own family and the positives in your life.

sporina

yeah - just be the best son you can be.. you'll regret it if not