Should I cut off my family again?

Big Bag of Chips

They're not "pestering" you with paper work. They're just doing what they've always done. Expecting the same response from you.

Any response, even "OK", is still a response. It's still communication. And they see it as you being "OK" and it's business as usual. They need something. They send it on to you. If you're going to cut them off, that means no contact. Not even "OK". No reply. Delete emails. Direct them to Spam.

As long as you leave a tiny door open they will revert to you.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119689808#Comment_119689808

Forget the money and ignore.

They're adults, let them deal with it

Close the door and enjoy your life. A few quid lost is cheap.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119690596#Comment_119690596

You’re right. That “OK” signified in their minds that I was still fine with dealing with all this paperwork. I thought of it afterwards and discarded the idea but I guess that’s indeed how they interpreted that OK and me not responding to the money refund suggestion to put a silent treatment on was regarded as “she doesn’t want the money”. Self-serving interpretations per usual.

Newbie20

Sorry to hear your situation. If I were you I’d forget about the money you’ve spent. I think you said €660, it will be money well spent if it gave you a reminder that things will never change with them and that you are so much better off without them.

As said by people above don’t engage whatsoever with them, don’t reply to anything. If you are still holding out hope of getting your money back then you are still open to having some sort of engagement with them. Forget about the money, cut them off and move on again with your new found enjoyable life.

TheGlossy

Total I actually spent €1,900 trying to get the estate sorted to benefit them. €660 was the total I paid on my last 3 day trip to meet with the notary.

My savings were getting drained while theirs were getting quite cushy while doing zero all day (brother and mother don’t have jobs and not looking, sisters in college). The worst part is I later on found out by accident that the few times she claimed she had no money and I helped with the bills, it was a lie as she had more than plenty to pay those bills. I was stupid to think death would bring us closer but you live and you learn.

They’re just leeches. It’s hard to believe we all share the same blood because I’m nothing like them and feel zero connection to these people bar the guilt of the obligation based on “family” grounds.

I’m giving up on the money. I’ll never see it anyways even if I chased.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691952#Comment_119691952

Leave them to it.

Book closed.

Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, why are you still engaging with them at all? It's literally the same pattern every time. Just block them all and move on. This weird feedback loop you're engaged in isn't availing you of anything.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692785#Comment_119692785

I did not engage with them at all and have not since the notary drama. No call, no texts, nothing. They just keep sending these emails about paperwork.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692859#Comment_119692859

Block them so you never know.

Nicks delight

Create your own life and follow your dreams and aspirations. don't waste your time on abusers and energy thief's. create a quality life.

Idle Passerby

The reality is they will continue to contact you until they realise you won't be sucked back to do things for them. They don't respect your boundaries so they will continually try to break them down. There's no point being surprised by them contacting you, it's textbook. It's up to you to keep your boundaries in place by ignoring them.

You will need to end your Power of Attornery for your mother. Then they will have no reason to send you paperwork. You'll have to do this in writing, and you'll have to let at least the legal people involved know that you will no longer be acting for her.

Maybe inform the sister of this, they can set up another POA and then block any further emails from your family and move on.

OP, a question or two and a suggestion for you. Apologies if this is something you've already mentioned and I missed it.

Also, I'm not actually expecting you to answer the questions - they're more for your own consideration than for the thread.

You mentioned early on that you have recently seen (or are seeing) a therapist. Have you mentioned this thread to the therapist? If you have, did the therapist give you any advice in relation to it?

If you haven't, would you consider mentioning it and seeing what advice your therapist has?

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119694383#Comment_119694383

It’s not to do with the POA. The POA only covers estate matters related to my dad. They’re sending me forms to do with my mom’s social welfare etc.. that have zero to do with the estate. Hence the annoyance in my part.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119694605#Comment_119694605

Do they know its nothing to do with the POA?

Anyway, you know what you have to do - now its a case of acting. Contact the notary directly, inform them you are no longer acting on your mother's behalf and give them your brother or sister's contact details. Then block all emails, block phone numbers, etc.

It's up to you now. The sooner you do it, the happier you will be.

dbas

Hi OP.

Well done for stepping out from under that toxic dynamic. It's very painful and lonely to have to do so.

Maintain that distance and leave them at it. It is not selfish to look after yourself sometimes.

Meaning no disrespect here, but parasites need a host. Stop being that host.

And if anyone ever turns up at your house uninvited- Tell em to **** off away from your door or you'll call the Gardai. You're not powerless. I've gone through a similar process and it's tough.

Kudos to you and the life you're building

TheGlossy

They can read a document I think.

Social welfare applications are not related to the POA which I no longer have (notary’s choice as they said my mother and I have “conflicting rights over the estate”. Not sure I follow but OK by me). Even if I still had it, there is nothing left to do with my dad’s estate since all documents have been signed and they’re just waiting for the money to get released. The POA only covers my dads estate (his family house and life assurance). Social welfare applications are outside of this remit.

The system where they live is different than Ireland’s. A POA only covers the estate of the deceased person, not pension or welfare applications by the surviving spouse. The notary and POA have no involvement in this. Since my mom can’t write or read someone has to fill those for her and have her sign, but my siblings won’t so it’s all on my back. The issue is that since she’s dependent on welfare, she has to fill in documents on a monthly basis to confirm certain elements or else payments get cut off. It’s straight forward info that even my siblings can fill in and get her to sign the documents. It’s not that complex, just pure laziness and unwillingness to read and be bothered with documents is what it is.

Let’s hope they don’t show up at my door but they live overseas and are terrible with money, so they wouldn’t even be able to afford a flight to Ireland but who knows. I won’t underestimate their craziness.

dbas

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119694791#Comment_119694791

If they show up uninvited, then run them. They may not respect you or your rights, but you have them nonetheless. Shut the door and call the Gardai if they persist.

You're not a kid anymore to be told what to do. That can be hard to realise if you've been through a lot, but it is a fact.

Let them deal with this nonsense. All sounds like a scheme to get you back into their dynamic again anyway, so politely and firmly step back from this.

Right now!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119694791#Comment_119694791

Well, the sooner you block them, the sooner they will have to learn to deal with these things themselves. What are you waiting for?

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119694791#Comment_119694791

I know people are saying ignore them and I get that as most reasonable people would understand what the ignoring means however they dont seem like very reasonable people who know what boundaries are let alone respect them.

I would full on respond to the last email saying its a very simple task and exactly what you said above its laziness and unwillingness to look after themselves and that you wont be doing it anymore, that you're out. Then dont respond to anymore emails or messages.

Believe me once they realise their welfare money depends on being able to perform a simple task they suddenly find a way to do it but at that point its not your problem.

People can be incredibly selfish and self centered but when the realities of their actions start to become apparent they quicky change and its usually with their money.

Big Bag of Chips

They won't let social welfare payments, that the depend on, just stop. If you don't fill in the forms, someone will. Ignore all attempts to drag you back. They're not going to land on your doorstep. Who'd book the tickets for them, for one thing?!

Zenithy

My condolences to you. I sympathize with your pain. Would it be wise to advise your mum to make an appointment with a social worker to help her with her administrative forms ?

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698469#Comment_119698469

And re-open the channels of communication with her after the incident I described? Definitely not an option. I want nothing to do with her. I haven’t spoken to her since and don’t intend on ever doing so.

Besides, knowing her, she’ll start crying saying one can replace my dad or yelling that I’m leaving her high and dry. I’ve already tried expressing how exhausted I was with the paperwork and my own responsibilities and she started crying “I’m all alone no one will replace your dad” even though what I said had nothing to do with that. She loves the guilt trips and victimizing herself.

She has a 26 year old, a 21 year old and a 20 year old all college educated living under her roof. They can figure it out. I don’t need to give any advice there.

JupiterKid

OP, as the others here opined, staying well away from the rest of your highly toxic and deeply selfish family is paramount for your own well-being and mental health. They have little to no regard for you as a person - only for what they can get out of you.

You have mentioned a number of times that you come from another country and your family live abroad, and reading your posts I would guess that your country of origin is probably outside of Europe (or Western Europe) and possibly much less developed so I can imagine that there are probably also major cultural differences at play here between your country of origin and Ireland where personal boundaries - especially when it comes to family matters and gender roles (I believe you are a woman) are simply not respected or accepted which makes things even more difficult for you.

MissShihTzu

OP - Presumably you have a Spam filter? As well as the ability to block unwanted numbers? I would suggest you use both. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your family will get their arses in gear quick enough and will find the ability to read, understand and sign, when the money's about to be cut off. Don't even look back.

...Ghost...

Best not interact at all with selfish family members. Leave the to steep in their own toxicity. Live your life and enjoy it.

Sigyn

I don't have anything to add to the legal things already mentioned by others. I just want to give you a bit of perspective as I had a similar "problem". The last time I've seen my mother and two siblings was at my father's funeral, in 1992... After his death I cut all contact, changed my number (not an easy thing to do as it was a landline back then ;) ), sent letters back unopened and ignored all attempts of contact. They soon got the message.

30 years on and I can honestly say it was the right decision. I live my life free from the restraint of absolutely toxic family dynamics. It's not as rare as you may think, there are quite a few of us. Your mental health will thank you!

Hotblack Desiato

There are lots of people in a similar situation, it's just not talked about and/or regarded as somehow shameful. What's shameful is the behaviour which caused family members to cut themselves off to maintain their own sanity, but the victims always get the blame.

TheGlossy

Update:

1. I ended up going silent. My birthday came and went a few weeks ago and not one of them reached out with well wishes. Not one. After all the time and money spent on them, it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
2. I reached out last week to finalize the estate work with the notary (we just need to sign a few documents and all done after that). They thought I had reopened the door of paperwork communication and started bombarding me with emails regarding letters they received. Up to that point, I hadn’t spoken to them since late September.
3. Just today, I got two emails from them while I was at work asking me what they should do with a property tax received and some social welfare inspection they’re scheduled to have to ensure their finances are in line with what they disclose. I responded to their queries and ended the email saying “I’m busy, I don’t have time to deal with this”.

I am sorry but bothering me while I’m at work to ask me what to do with a “property tax” when I had advised to just pay it. It’s nonsense.

No shame in reaching out to me when they blatantly ignored my birthday.

This paperwork loop will never end with them. The fact they ignored my birthday and didn’t even apologize when reaching out again afterwards asking for more paperwork to be sorted … appalling. They’ve no self awareness.

I’m starting a new job on Monday. I don’t want their noise around me. I need to focus on myself.

I hadn’t experienced self harm thoughts in a while but when they started bombarding me with emails today, I got triggered again and my anxiety instantly shot through the roof.

bucketybuck

Why on earth did you reach out to them again?

And why on earth are you even reading their new emails and requests, never mind letting them bother you? You are anxious about something you could end immediately if you really wanted to.

Sorry but the old saying is true, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119968721#Comment_119968721

I had to because we all have to sign the estate paperwork, me included. It’s to close off the estate procedure. Trust me, I didn’t want to but there is a legal deadline to close this off and I can’t just disappear with this pending. We all have to sign this paperwork unfortunately. It wasn’t my choice. We can get into some hot water if we don’t close this off.

I said I don’t have time for any paperwork either they get the hint it they don’t I personally don’t intend on dealing with any of this again with the exception of closing off the estate this month hopefully. Once the probate is closed off, it’s have a nice life.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119968730#Comment_119968730

You mentioned legal deadline. Is there anything in it for you?

If not much, good luck. Even if just a bigish bit, leave it. Money well spent.

You mentioned your bday. Did you expect any more. You seem to be grasping at thin air here and hoping you catch something.

Block and get on with your life.

You do seem like a caring person. You're only hurting yourself at this this stage. They won't change.

I wish the best of luck, but you need to take control.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - OP, there's lots there to think over, from all of the replies that you have received.

I'm going to close the thread off at this point. 

Thanks to everyone who offered advice. 

All the best. 

Hilda