Should I cut off my family again?

Liath Luachra

OP reading post title and couldn't pass by. See this new episode as a reminder as to why you cut ties in the first place. They have affirmed to you that none of them have done any genuine work to examine their input in the breakdown of relations and have tried to suck you back into that dance. They wont likely change their roles or adjust and may always create some drama that draws you back in as the "fixer". New roles will need to be taken on by them now that your father has passed and you are no longer participating Do not be sucked back in, the muscle memory and your physical response was another sharp reminder. Optimise this time to nurture yourself and surround yourself with relationships that value you. Ignore any guilt or sense of duty - that is simply the old pattern.

Family systemic groupwork may be something you may find beneficial - it is fascinating to observe those family patterns we become enmeshed in and its only by stepping out of the pattern that we become aware of having been perpetually in the fight/flight/freeze state.

Give yourself a ton of praise for staying so loyal and patient despite it all.

ChickenDish

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119560511#Comment_119560511

You know there is light at the end of the tunnel, you know given a little time not having these toxic people in your life will ultimately lead to happiness. Your a little wiser and will know next time not to take the bait and get sucked back in. You will get back on top and be happier for it, just take it one day at a time - such a cliche, but no one will ever give better advice.

Good luck OP, happiness is just over the horizon 😁

spaceHopper

Contact the notary and ask them can you finish the work from a distance, you can sign paper work in an Irish Solicitors office and get them to stamp it as a witness. Much cheaper than traveling and you won’t bump into anybody.

Type up a to do list for your brother, tell them it needs to be handled by them, having you do it from here is no good and it’s not that difficult. Give them links to all the forms.

Tell you sister that reached out to you that them bringing your mother was not on, never do it again.

Then go dark let them figure it out. If they have your email address I’d get a new on. Same with phone. 

You don't need that nonsense or other people's baggage. Make the break once and for all. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice....

Big Bag of Chips

@[Deleted User] welcome to the Personal Issues forum. I have deleted the video clip from your post, as video clips are not allowed in the Personal Issues forum. It's a strictly moderated forum.

Have a read of the Forum Charter to get an idea of what standard of posting is expected here.

Thanks

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119573701#Comment_119573701

Thank you.

Yes, I think this sounds like the right approach.

I need to do a “handover” and go dark. I won’t travel again for any paperwork. I’m pretty sure my mom will have a conniption when I advise my sister/brother I won’t be handling the little bits that are left and both siblings might vilify me, but after what happened, I swore to myself I will never do anything that benefits this woman ever again.

I flew this one time, but for the next and final paperwork to sign, I won’t.

I haven’t spoken to anyone since the drama in front on the notary’s office.

I want to tell my sister it wasn’t OK to bring my mom along without telling me and stand up for myself, but I know she will relay the information to my mother and brother and it might lead to more drama. I don’t trust any of them period, so I will simply keep it to myself.

bitofabind

Everyone is right. Matter of fact emails to notary as well as family informing them you are no longer the point of contact for this. Do a handover and then cut them right off. Change numbers, emails, whatever it takes to get back to No Contact.

I just wanted to say sorry to you OP. It's astonishing to me again and again to see how consistently across the board that toxic family dynamics tend to favour the worst types of people, and damage and destroy the decent people in the family with upstanding values and traits. It's the decent ones that tend to do therapy, do the self reflection and do the emotional labour of healing; while the narcissists and sociopaths stew in their self entitlement and destructive behaviours. I'm sorry that's you in this instance. And I'm sorry that you got reeled in again. It's very difficult when the most damaging and difficult people in your life are your own family.

Time to protect your peace now and get back to therapy and back to the happy life that you have built for yourself. And to get back to grieving - it's intensely painful to grieve the lack of a supportive and loving parent figure, and is the work of a lifetime. I wish you the best.

Neyite

Send your email to the notary and copy in the family - don't give reasons or excuses. "due to my own personal commitments I am no longer in a position to continue with the administration of XYZ, please contact [brother] or [sister] going forward"

I'm mulling over my own Narc issue the last few weeks - thankfully it's nowhere near as serious or intense as yours sounds but I know that the urge to tell them what I want to say is strong. I'd love to to tear strips off them for their behaviour. But I know that saying it will a) get totally twisted b) drag in others and c) cause far more drama and re-writing of history in which I am the baddie. It will also directly impact someone I love as collateral damage.

I know my Narc is trawling social media to see if what they did has had the effect they wanted on me, and sounding out their flying monkeys and that helps to remind me of the power of silence. They wanted drama. They wanted a reaction. I won't give them the satisfaction of even hinting that I know what they tried to do. It's not easy because I'm so annoyed but it does help knowing that for someone like this, everything they do is manipulative in order to get an outcome or reaction they crave. They can't stand the lack of reaction, or the fact that they don't matter.

Silence is your best weapon.

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119574908#Comment_119574908

Yes, you definitely should hand over to someone else in the family. In fact, just write to the notary and tell them you are no longer the person of contact and will only deal with them by post.

One small piece of advice - another poster suggested going through an Irish solicitor. It might seem like a good idea, but it could quickly become very, very expensive. Only as a very last resort. Bills from Irish solicitors can build up at a great rate.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119574908#Comment_119574908

I wish you well in sticking to and committing to this decision. It sounds like the correct one.

At the risk of patronizing you if it is something you know already - be aware of a quirk of human psychology often referred to as "Sunk cost fallacy". It is a psychological quirk of humans that when we invest a certain amount of time or money into a bad thing - we feel a compulsion to see it through even though it will lead only to more time and money and only harm with no positive pay off or benefit.

This quirk will likely make you feel tempted to break your commitment to your decision. And if your family are prone to manipulation they will likely say things that press on this compulsion like "You've done all this so far - can't you just come over this _ one _ more time - or pay this _ one _ more invoice so it's done and we can move on???". And if your mind starts to see the logic in that - you might find yourself booking or paying what you believe (likely falsely) to be this one last flight or invoice.

It's strange how powerful the sunk cost fallacy can be. People knowing they lost all their money on some business start up venture for example may still keep putting money into it anyway. They know the money will be lost. They know the business will (or has already) failed. But "in for a penny in for a pound" and they see it through anyway. Because doing so is easier than stepping back - moving on - and drawing a line under the failure.

I Blame Sheeple

This won't be well received but **** it, I can relate to your situation.

Actions speak louder than words. Call your siblings or whoever necessary and just tell them to swing, why would you get involved in this to help a person who despises your existence?

If you see her again, don't do what I previously suggested because you'll get done for assault.

Instead, don't get caught doing it.*

Happy now, Tork? :]

-------------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter. Do not post in this thread again. And read The Forum Charter before posting in the forum again.

Tork

Are you seriously advising the OP to spit in people's faces? There are ways to walk away from a difficult situation (and yes, OP should walk) but Jesus, spitting.....

mr_edge_to_you

Good advice in most recent posts. I too would be inclined to engage a solicitor either from Ireland or your home place (if language is an issue).

Im sure there is a way that you can effectively resign from whichever POA/role you have in the process and then assign it to your siblings. There's going to be a cost but I think it would be money well spent.

TheGlossy

An update on the situation:

After the incident in front of the notary’s office, I went completely silent and never responded to my sister’s email I mentioned earlier (where she suggested to refund the notary fee I paid). I didn’t reach out and they didn’t for two weeks. Then my sister reached out of the blue tell me the property tax has been paid (nothing to do with me, don’t care). I then reply a week later with just an “OK”.

Then a week later (today), she reached out to me saying: “Hope all is well. Please find attached some documents we received in the post - if you could look into them”.

The forms were a bunch of documents for my mom’s pension that just required to input the name of children living under her roof. They must be having a laugh now I thought to myself. They’re all above 18 in that house and not one of them can fill in a form requesting basic information?

This comes after the fact that not one of them even approached me to address what happened in front of the notary’s office and they just threw it under the rug continuing to send me more paperwork to do as normal.

By the way, I still waiting to get my money back. They mentioned that refund once and never again. They’ve got no self-awareness whatsoever thinking I will keep to slave myself away for them after what happened.

gmisk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119689679#Comment_119689679

Get the money you are owed if you can and thats it and get out. They are clearly trying to get you involved again. Do not pay one more cent towards anything!

So sad to see your family treating you this way but it's clear nothing has changed and they are more than happy to use and abuse you.

Jequ0n

Tell them you will look at the documents once they pay you back the money you are owed. If they pay you send back the blank documents and close that door forever.

I doubt you’ll ever see any money though.

TheGlossy

I don’t think I’ll ever see any money back. The fact they mentioned it once to make themselves feel better then never again says it all. It’s been a month.

Quite frankly, all their money comes from social welfare, not sure I want that type of money in my account. The estate money is still pending.

In any case, money aside, they don’t give a hoot about my feelings. All they care about is keeping their own heads afloat very clearly. They’re very selfish.

Jequ0n

They are simply practical and self serving. They have had no incentive to change because you have been coming to the rescue ever since. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have been a willing participant and the game only ends when you take yourself out of the equation.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119689988#Comment_119689988

You know, I was estranged from them for 6 years.. that should have been a wake up call for them and it hasn’t done a thing.

I certainly helped until the notary’s drama and have not responded to an email since bar that “OK”. My silence should have spoken volume especially after I walked away during that argument in front of the notary’s office saying “I’ve had enough, I’m leaving” and remained silent since. I’m no longer a willing participant yet the keep pestering me with the paperwork. It says a lot.

bucketybuck

You are just getting more of the same from them, sounds like the important thing now is to hold firm and stay away from them completely. Ignore their paperwork, ignore their messages, consign them to the dustbin of history and get on with your life.

They are not going to care about your feelings, stop leaving that channel of communication open hoping that they ever will.

Big Bag of Chips

They're not "pestering" you with paper work. They're just doing what they've always done. Expecting the same response from you.

Any response, even "OK", is still a response. It's still communication. And they see it as you being "OK" and it's business as usual. They need something. They send it on to you. If you're going to cut them off, that means no contact. Not even "OK". No reply. Delete emails. Direct them to Spam.

As long as you leave a tiny door open they will revert to you.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119689808#Comment_119689808

Forget the money and ignore.

They're adults, let them deal with it

Close the door and enjoy your life. A few quid lost is cheap.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119690596#Comment_119690596

You’re right. That “OK” signified in their minds that I was still fine with dealing with all this paperwork. I thought of it afterwards and discarded the idea but I guess that’s indeed how they interpreted that OK and me not responding to the money refund suggestion to put a silent treatment on was regarded as “she doesn’t want the money”. Self-serving interpretations per usual.

Newbie20

Sorry to hear your situation. If I were you I’d forget about the money you’ve spent. I think you said €660, it will be money well spent if it gave you a reminder that things will never change with them and that you are so much better off without them.

As said by people above don’t engage whatsoever with them, don’t reply to anything. If you are still holding out hope of getting your money back then you are still open to having some sort of engagement with them. Forget about the money, cut them off and move on again with your new found enjoyable life.

TheGlossy

Total I actually spent €1,900 trying to get the estate sorted to benefit them. €660 was the total I paid on my last 3 day trip to meet with the notary.

My savings were getting drained while theirs were getting quite cushy while doing zero all day (brother and mother don’t have jobs and not looking, sisters in college). The worst part is I later on found out by accident that the few times she claimed she had no money and I helped with the bills, it was a lie as she had more than plenty to pay those bills. I was stupid to think death would bring us closer but you live and you learn.

They’re just leeches. It’s hard to believe we all share the same blood because I’m nothing like them and feel zero connection to these people bar the guilt of the obligation based on “family” grounds.

I’m giving up on the money. I’ll never see it anyways even if I chased.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119691952#Comment_119691952

Leave them to it.

Book closed.

Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, why are you still engaging with them at all? It's literally the same pattern every time. Just block them all and move on. This weird feedback loop you're engaged in isn't availing you of anything.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692785#Comment_119692785

I did not engage with them at all and have not since the notary drama. No call, no texts, nothing. They just keep sending these emails about paperwork.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692859#Comment_119692859

Block them so you never know.

Nicks delight

Create your own life and follow your dreams and aspirations. don't waste your time on abusers and energy thief's. create a quality life.