Regret rejecting him

ratatouille99

Went on 6 dates with a fella- 4 back in February/March time this year and 2 more in early June. It was me that called things off both times. The first time it was because I thought things would finally take off with this lad I had fancied for months and months and who was exactly my "type". I didn't want to end it and started missing him very soon afterwards.

The second time he happened to be in our college city for a few days and we spent 6/7 hours together just cuddling and catching up. It felt "right". Drunk me thought this is perfect, we should give it a real go etc etc. I meant it. I was very happy. But in the days after, I talked myself out of it. I felt sick with guilt. I've left him totally alone since, but I still miss him.

I've gone on a few dates since and even had two "talking stages" and nothing feels the same. He isn't my type- he's a smoker, he drinks a bit too much for my liking, he's a little chubby. I even had one friend (very cruely) point out that I'm too attractive for him. If I'm being honest, I don't find myself wanting to jump his bones, but I enjoyed kissing and cuddling so it's possible I did fancy him on some level...

We just clicked. He's this bizarre mix of being manly while being sensitive and he's way more respectful than most fellas my age. Despite the lifestyle differences, he can really make me laugh and vice versa and we share a few niche enough interests. I can't seem to find this in anyone else. He's special and I feel like I'm just searching for him but with healthier choices. For the last week especially, I've been longing to reach out. He's been "liking" my posts which leads me to think he doesn't hate him now, but I feel like I can't reach out again unless I'm 1000% sure I won't hurt him again. I've been a horrible headwreck to him.

How do I move past this feeling of regret?

893bet

Based on your user name you are 23 and over thinking it.

Go out with him or don’t. They are your two choices. Keep it simple.

ratatouille99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119557568#Comment_119557568

You bet I am.

I think the reason I split was stupid. I thought "yeah he's not long term material because of the smoking/drinking so let's not risk getting attached". But I'm 23! I don't need to look towards the future. I could've just let this burn out naturally, whether that be 6 weeks or 6 months.

endacl

Forum should have a sticky.

”Signs you may be overthinking this”

Jequ0n

By your own accord you know that he isn’t the one for you, so what are you hoping to gain by reaching out again?

And what is it with people dating and “cuddling” and not just having sex?

At this stage he’ll probably know that there is nothing to gain here because you shelved him twice but you never know.

Faith

You had an almost identical thread two months ago: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058253218/to-what-extent-does-physical-attraction-matter-in-a-relationship#latest

You don't fancy him, you're just lonely. Leave the poor guy alone before you destroy his self-esteem.

bucketybuck

Firstly, leave him alone, you have dumped him twice, there is no need to go for the hat trick. And thats what will happen, drunk you might get some use out of him but it is clear that the real you doesn't respect him all that much.

As for why you have regrets, I would imagine it is for the normal reason. You want somebody, but don't have anybody right now so are looking back to the last person with rose tinted glasses.

Ask yourself honestly, if this weekend you hooked up with one of those GAA types your friends seem to approve of, and had a lot of fun, how much time would you spend thinking about this other fella next week? None would be my guess.

mojesius

You need to decide if you can really accept him how he is now and not what he could be if he changed X and Y about himself. He sounds like a really nice person but ultimately if there is no physical attraction for you with how he is now, it's not fair to pursue it.

I've seen people get with someone and either subtly or blatantly try to change them. Usually ends in one or both people being utterly miserable. (Not saying you're trying to do this btw)

Also, just advice here, try not to take friends' throwaway comments to heart. They may be judging your choices based on their own desires/types etc., We're all different and if they're your friends, they'll be happy once you're happy.

radiotrickster

To me it sounds like you shouldn’t be dating at all right now. When you’re with the right person, you’ll know it and your friends opinions on their looks won’t matter. But even though you know this lad isn’t right for you, you keep wanting to go back.

My advice would be to take a break from dating. Forget about it for six months or ideally a year. You’re only 23 so it’s not a long time. Use all the time you’d spend on dating, thinking about lads, etc. doing things for yourself. Spend time doing things that make you happy. Try and work out why you keep wanting to go back to someone who you know isn’t right for you.

At the end of the year, if you’ve truly spent that time improving yourself then you’ll probably not feel the need to try and find a boyfriend and you won’t be convincing yourself the wrong guy is right. Instead when guys come along, it’ll be a fun, exciting thing rather than something that causes you any sort of stress that leads you to posting on Boards.

skallywag

I am struggling to see what advice it is you are looking for here OP.

Is it "Should I take a third shot with him even though I know that I will drop him again as soon as I 'have a think about it afterwards' and can you all please reassure me that I am not a bad person if I do this" ?

JupiterKid

Sorry to say it, OP, but I read an awful lot of immaturity, self-centredness, overthinking and a flippant attitude to potential partners in your first post. I would feel sorry for the guy you fancied but dumped twice by your immaturity and inability to commit.

You are 23 - go off and have fun with your friends, start a new hobby or activity and focus on self-development rather than feeling the need to be in a relationship because you are feeling lonely and very sorry for yourself - and are looking for validation and approval of your treating these guys with such a fickle approach when none will be forthcoming.

YellowLead

It sounds like you are just using this guy, which might be unintentional due to your youth and immaturity- but that’s what it boils down to. So for his sake, leave him be.

Your friends sound shallow by the way, if you base your dating choices on what they say about somebody’s attractiveness that’s a whole other problem! As the mother would say - if your friends poked their fingers in the fire would you :)

thegame983

either

(a) leave this poor man alone

or

(b) do the decent thing and give him a ride

ratatouille99

Thanks guys. A lot to consider but I think a lot of it was bang on. I am totally leaving him alone and feel free to close thread.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Thanks to all who offered advice.

All the best OP.

Thread closed at OP's request.

Hilda.