Afters of a funeral

Sunrise_Sunset

Not sure if this is the right category to post but it is bereavement related. Never had to organise a funeral for a family member before (thankfully). Think I'm doing ok so far. Can I just ask, is it customary to buy everyone a drink that comes to the afters? It'll be held in a local pub. People will arrive at different times as not everyone will go to the cemetery.

messrs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262466/afters-of-a-funeral

Have never heard of buying everyone a drink. Sometimes the family put on soup and sandwiches in the local afterwards with tea/coffee aswell .

Stanford

Agreed, a few sandwiches or snacks will be enough

Danzy

Never heard of the round, tea, coffee, samwidches.

A release of the tension.

norabattie

My hubby had to organize his dad's funeral last week. Pub put on finger food and OH put €500 behind the bar for drinks . Not sure it's a normal thing to do tbh but it was his dads money so I left him at it

witchgirl26

I'd tend to agree with the others on this. The only funeral I've been to where a drink was given was because of the person whose funeral it was, was the type to buy a round for everyone so the family had put some money behind the bar for a drink for everyone.

Sunrise_Sunset

Really appreciate the responses. Food is arranged. And as an afterthought I wondered do the organisers buy a round for everyone, but that's my question answered. I might just buy a drink for a few extended family members if I catch them while they arrive.

ted1

any I’ve been to it was money behind the bar. Once that’s gone people buy their own. Your head would be wrecked trying to remember who you bought one for and who you didn’t. As people will arrive at different times

Sunrise_Sunset

Yeah I don't think I could afford anything like 500 behind the bar though. And there's no one else I could ask to help contribute. The pub are doing a carvery so I might just leave it at that.

Princess Calla

We've done food in local hotel the person whose funeral it was liked. It was a proper meal with dessert and tea/coffee ....hotels often have packages as numbers can be tricky I think there was about 70 at it. I've attended a few funerals where this was the norm.

I've also been to funerals where it was back to a pub and nothing was provided or maybe the tab had run out by the time I ordered.

It really comes down to personal choice, your personal finances, what the person whose funeral it is was like etc.

I've heard close relatives (sons/daughters) say "that was a great send off, mam/dad would have loved that" I think that's what you are trying to aim for.

mickdw

It has gotten out of hand where I live.

Site down meals for many of the local funerals.

Could be up to 100 people.

Sunrise_Sunset

Yeah we're doing a sit down carvery cos we were advised that soup and sandwiches would cost almost as much anyway. I'll see about buying a round of drinks if I can but I couldn't afford anything like a 500 tab behind the bar. It'd be my own money, not the deceased or spouse.

El_Duderino 09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588431#Comment_119588431

Yeah keeping the head wreck to a minimum is Important. The afters is part of the grieving process. Let people express their sorrow and and let them recount stories about your family member. If you're trying to stage manage an event then you'll miss out on all that.

The afters sounds like a ballache, but it's s healthy part of the process.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Deeec

I dont think much people drink after funerals anymore. Most are driving and have no interest in drinking in the middle of the day - I think thats a thing of the past. Its usually a meal or sandwiches and tea/coffee after the funeral for family, friends and neighbours. Dont make the mistake of issuing an open invite to everybody from the alter - around where I live there is a few chancers who feed themselves on going to funeral afters on an open invite even though they are not close to the family!

No alcoholic drinks at wakes anymore either - just tea/coffee and sandwiches offered.

Pistachio19

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588452#Comment_119588452

Definitely leave it at that. We had the carvery - around 100 people for each of our parents funerals over the years. The funeral director owns the pub so its easier to let him organise the lot. We didn't offer alcohol at my parents funerals - water/miwadi at the tables and tea/coffee after the dinner. If people want alcohol let them buy it themselves. Sorry you are going through this - its not easy trying to navigate it all.

Big Bag of Chips

Absolutely no need for to buy a round of drinks, or leave money behind the bar. It is really not expected. Tea and sandwiches and a few cakes are all you need to provide.

Buy a drink for the select people you would like to buy a drink for. If you buy someone a drink, you know they get it. Leave money behind the bar and everyone/anyone can order whatever they want and the family who might arrive late because of speaking to people at the graveside don't even get a 7up out of it.

Iguarantee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588452#Comment_119588452

There's no obligation to do anything.

Don't draw expense on yourself if you don't want to or can't afford it.

Soup & sandwiches is a good will gesture but you owe nobody a pint of Guinness just because it's a funeral.

Sunrise_Sunset

There wasn't a huge turn out. Ended up buying everyone, or almost everyone a drink.

Gael23

Was at one yesterday, it was a full 4 course meal with flowing wine

tayto lover

Tea/coffee and a few sandwiches is enough. Anything more only draws the hangers-on.

L1011

Its not uncommon, but absolutely not expected either - anyone going expecting it shouldn't be let know about funerals in future.

SpudsandGuinness

For all my relatives who had passed it was the thing to do buy a round for all but I've been to many funeral's that this don't happen it's just a matter of if you feel you want to or not no one will judge

Sunrise_Sunset

Glad I did the end. And for a small enough turn out, it wasn't too big of an expense either. Some relatives had to step in last minute and help with a couple of things, and I was grateful for their help.

2 course meal. People didn't stay around too long, a few hours, home by tea time.

Akrasia

Glad it worked out for you

Funerals are expensive and stressful for all kinds of reasons

From my experience, a free bar at a funeral is a bad idea. The people who care the most about the deceased will feel guilty taking the free drink, while the hangers on will exploit it.

What you did seems to be the best solution, Talk to the people one on one and buy them a drink if they want one.

Sunrise_Sunset

Yes you're right. Expensive and stressful overall.

It might sound minor and irrelevant given the circumstances but I just didn't want my mother worrying about these little details at a time like this. She has other big worries and stresses right now.

I keep saying the hard part is over for her now. But is it? Maybe the hardest part is yet to come.

Big Bag of Chips

No, the hardest part is yet to come. Funerals are very difficult. It is an intense few days that tends to pass by in a blur. The emptiness that follows after the busy activity of meeting and greeting people at the funeral cannot be underestimated. The routine of simply seeing the person. The routine of picking up the phone to call or text them. Walking through town and thinking you see them. 'forgetting' if even for a second that they are no longer here.

A friend of mine trained as a Bereavement counsellor and she said the misconception a lot of people have is the "first" is the hardest. The first birthday, the first Christmas, the first occasion they're not there for, the first anniversary etc. But she said its often not the case. And the 3rd anniversary might be even more difficult than the first. Or the 8th Christmas etc.

Keep an eye on your mam. You sound like a very thoughtful person. Talk to your mam about the deceased person. Sometimes people avoid the subject, or avoid using their name not wanting to cause upset. It's a terrible time for any family. Your mam is lucky to have you.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588540#Comment_119588540

That’s not true at all with regards to alcohol. Typical to see alcohol available at wakes in people’s home where I come from. After all, it is one of the biggest condolence gifts given. Can also end up with close family and friends having a session after the funeral too as unfortunately it’s an occasion when people get to catch up. Very much depends on the crowd I guess.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119602373#Comment_119602373

Im in the East of the country and there is no drink offered at wakes anymore - always tea offered though. The drink would only come out for very close family after everyone else is gone. In the 90's and earlier I always remember drink at wakes but not anymore - I think its too expensive nowadays and drink always attracts the wrong kind to hang around longer than they should.

Jizique

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119602402#Comment_119602402

Have heard the same about Donegal and Sligo recently - hosted a wake in Dublin recently and not having any alcohol at it was fantastic

I can only speak for myself, about my parents’ funerals. They were both people to offer hospitality, my mother always said she wanted the relatives well fed and watered having made the effort to Co e to the funeral and as an opportunity for further family bonding. So I made sure to provide a full meal with plenty of wine when my Mum had died as she had done when my Dad died. Everybody remembers both funerals as being sociable occasions. My parents were elderly and their deaths not very unexpected. But each to their own, there are no rules.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588453#Comment_119588453

This is exactly it. Jaysus ma/da would have loved this type of mind set.

Very tough time but it's a celebration as well.

My mam would have killed me twice if it was morose.