Unfaithful Wife with a child

Anthony M

Hi all, Just looking for help.

I have been in a emotional abusive relationship and found out my wife has been sleeping with multiple partners. I have been trying to build a future for us but everything I do is not good enough. I feel I'm walking on egg shells when she comes home.

I have a 3.5 year child in cresh and want to ensure he has everything i didn't have. Her mum owns the house we are living in and I was told that once the last payment is made it will be transferred into our names. This was a lie and turns out contract is only rent and all the money I put in is not counted as anything.

It has come to the point that my depression has come back and my wife has been really mean to me and is trying everything to stop the lease of the contract for the rent going ahead. It is out of date and I feel that she is trying to get me to walk out.

I feel that divorce is the only option to allow me to build a future for my son. My biggest fear is when I leave, she'll come after me for what I build before the divorce is finalized. Also in terms of maintenance, what is the percentage or how is it decided?

Thanks in advance

cuttingtimber22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262826/unfaithful-wife-with-a-child

Please see here

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/divorce_decrees.html

There is a free legal advice service you can access and perhaps may need a family law solicitor. Do this sooner rather than later. You have rights and need to be smart about this.

Anthony M

Thanks, will get in contact with them. Thanks

Basic rule No. 1 of every divorce: never leave the family home. Never. Just don't do it. It makes no long-term sense.

Now, to other things.

Precisely: you have rights, you need to learn them and you need to be smart about exercising them.

Think legally from hereon. Be serious. Get to know your law. Do not get emotional. Do not lose the cool - ever. It is being watched, and recorded. Yes, it's exceedingly petty and yes the minimum 2-year wait until divorce means the Irish State legally ensures this pettiness will gnaw at your life for years (as there is a very long waiting list after the minimum waiting periods are served). Use WhatsApp or something as an official communication medium between each of you regarding your child.

Arrange a meeting with FLAC's Family Law solicitors immediately. It may take a month of being on a waiting list. Here: https://www.flac.ie/help/centres/familylaw/

Far, far better still, if you have between €150 and €300 make an hour-long appointment with a well-regarded family law specialist solicitor. Have your questions written down with space for each answer, and email them to the solicitor in advance. Bring a pen and write down the answer to each question on that sheet. I found this singularly useful in giving me clarity on legal issues. It was money well spent.

If you're in Dublin tomorrow, Monday, night get to the Talk2Us meeting in Clarke's pub in Phibsboro at 8pm. There's usually 20 or so people each Monday and it will be a baptism of fire for you as you'll hear what's going on in other cases and get advice. You need that perspective badly. You're not alone and it's important you know that. I'd text any of the three people named on this website about tomorrow's meeting and they'll get back to you fairly quickly: https://www.talk2us.ie/

Put things in writing. Record, record, record. Keep a diary each day - just spend a minute or two on it.

You may be entitled to Legal Aid, but the income threshold hasn't been increased since 2006 and is a paltry €18,000 of "net disposable income". You can do a quick check and application here this minute: https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/legal-aid-services/do-i-qualify-/

Don't bother with separation: since 2019 you can apply for a divorce after two years. It costs the same for each one so no point in paying twice. You can apply for the separation after one year and by the time it gets to court you simply convert it to a divorce as the two years will be up.

Statistically, some 80% of divorce cases are settled prior to the court date. 10% further on the day of the court and 10% go before a judge. Some 98% of all divorces are before the Circuit Court. If it's contested, expect to pay at the very least €20,000 in legal fees. Mediation, if it worked, would be instantly preferable but I waited 7 months for it with Legal Aid only to find the ex used it as a stalling tactic and had no intention of any sort of equitable settlement as she was sure any court would give her the house and control of the children because she's a woman. You'll find a whole lot of that mentality. Lawyer up.

Importantly, my family law solicitor told me very bluntly that everybody hopes they can get to court and tell the judge about their abusive ex but the judge does not care. The judge is focused on 1) the best interests of the child, and 2) "proper provision" for each spouse. This was a very sobering piece of information, and everything I've read since supports it. Focus on your child.

Finally, get all necessary support systems in place for yourself, be it family and friends, or counselling. Keep fit. Walk regularly. You'd be pleasantly surprised at how supportive people can be - and at how many are going through problems but haven't the courage to end it.

One other thing. Men's Aid has its monthly meeting in Navan this Wednesday at 7pm. If you haven't gone to one yet, I'd highly recommend it. You need to ring up and book a place beforehand, however. It is worth talking to them for an hour or so on the phone beforehand as you'll get perspective and information about your rights.

https://www.mensaid.ie/

Anthony M

Thankyou so much for your advice, I will be smart and get legal advice. Thanks

daithi7

That's really good advice from @anamcheasta on this thread.

+1 to everything they wrote. Good luck OP , that's a really lousy & unfair situation for anyone to be in, but try to stay calm, act smart , use your support network fully, and mind your health & child and you should hopefully be OK.

Good luck!!

Pissy Missy

Best of luck OP, your wife sounds like a scumbag, hope things get better for you, in regards to your mental health, AWARE do support group meetings if you feel it might help to unburden some of the load or you can access free counselling through work by calling EAP (work doesn't need to know about it). Good luck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119602245#Comment_119602245

Importantly, my family law solicitor told me very bluntly that everybody hopes they can get to court and tell the judge about their abusive ex but the judge does not care. The judge is focused on 1) the best interests of the child, and 2) "proper provision" for each spouse. This was a very sobering piece of information, and everything I've read since supports it. Focus on your child.

Something the posters here tried to tell you for a very long time.

Glad to see the penny has finally dropped, even if it eventually took it coming from a solicitor to make it happen.

CatLick

Though you may need to leave for your physical safety. In that case think about a Protection/Safety Order.

Subzero3

Your wife is the problem not you. Just walk away.

Donald Trump

Sorry to be the one to have to say it, but going only on what you said I'd recommend a paternity test too

Tombo2001

Conflicting advice on this thread.

Walk away. (Easy to say, hard to do when kids are involved).

.....or......

Basic rule number 1, never leave the family home.

Its a tricky situation and I dont know the outcome, but I do think the suggestions of (i) see a family law solicitor and (ii) speak to others in this situation (or similar) are good ones.

Payton

What anamcheasta has posted is spot on 100%. Don't leave the home. It will feel like a long journey but you'll come out a much stronger and better person. Go to the group meetings with Talk2us, it's extremely important that you meet like minded people who are in the same both and get great support.

Best of luck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119626274#Comment_119626274

I suspect you're missing the point, Loueze - while allegations against a spouse mistreating another spouse might not have much impact, women are liberally making allegations that good fathers are mistreating their children, and are a danger to their children. These do have immense weight because they know that planting any doubt would incline a judge to "err on the side of caution" by believing it and denying a good father access.

A wide array of nasty allegations are concocted on a quotidian basis against good fathers - and these allegations are, in fact, overwhelming made by mothers against fathers - to ensure they can be removed from continuing to play a central role in their childrens' lives, be confined to a bedsit with access to their children when it suits the faux victim mother. Not forgetting that he is compelled to pay for the family home while he rents substandard accommodation for 20 or so years/until the children reach the age of 23. All done for "the best interests of the child" by the prejudice-heavy judiciary in the secretive family courts of this postcolonial "republic", of course. Oh, and not forgetting at all that there is absolutely no consequences for all the women who make their false allegations against good fathers. And they are never, ever, ever publicly named and shamed. Such people need to be publicly named, and imprisoned for making such life-changing allegations against honourable fathers. No wonder false allegations against fathers are only proliferating when there is zero punishment for the makers of such ineffable misery, isolation and lifelong shame for good fathers. It's evil, and any healthy society would seek to expose such people. And the members of the Law Society of Ireland and Bar Council of Ireland behind this strategy? Anybody familiar with family law circles can name them and descriptions such as "adversarial" are common euphemisms for the family law solicitors in question.

If anybody here is naive enough to have any doubt that successfully making allegations against good fathers (as opposed to mere husbands) is very common in Irish family law courts, they should do a simple 'ctrl' and 'f' with the letters 'alleg' into Róisín O'Shea's 2013 PhD thesis based on real divorce cases in real Irish family courts. It can be read in its entirety right here and should be a wake-up call for all those lamentably benighted souls who actually believe that such allegations against fathers are the exception rather than the rule: http://repository.wit.ie/2825/1/thesis_ROS_WITLIB_201405final.pdf

In no other area of Irish society must men, because of their gender, prove they are good, while bad mothers are assumed to be good by virtue of their gender. Fathers seeking equal parenting rights to their children are, as even Alan Shatter acknowledged back in 1997, guilty until proven innocent in the courts of modern Ireland (Shatter reference cited in the above thesis, p. 24)

getoutadodge

I encountered some of these "bedsit fathers" some years back. Since bedsits were banned I came across a few when I mulled renting out a room. There was a trail of these guys often middle aged desperate for a cheap room rental. There ll be no Primetime investigates or legal reform push fronted by the IT for these people.

The OP better get a good lawyer because he is fighting not just for his kids but his life.