Saying 'I' when he means 'we'.

thread title is one thing but the stories themselves are really another. "long term friend is an intolerable ass" is the issue and the answer is obvious imo

the only thing id ask is whether or not over all this time youve hoped or expected more than the relationship youve had with this person?

JoChervil

And BTW OP we don't know all facts to judge things.

For example, if you were his accompanying person at the wedding, or if it was the wedding of a person he introduced at one stage to you, so he might have felt he can have few berries back for it in his weird logic. It's not an excuse, of course he shouldn't do it without your consent. But your revenge for it was way OTT.

As far as a pet is concerned. We don't know the full story. For example I once bought my mum a pet at the end of her life. She lived on her own and felt very lonely. I made a research and bought her a cat of a breed, which can change owners easily. I took into account that the cat very likely will outlive my mum, so I bought her a Birman cat, which breed is very social. This cat got through transition of changing owners very smoothly. Now she lives with my sis, which adores her and spoils her awfully. On the first night she slept in my sis bed and didn't look unhappy. In this way I gave my mum 5 years companion. My mum always liked taking care of others, so she could have fulfilled this need in that way. And I don't feel I did anything wrong.

I know few dogs lovers, who at the end of their lives took cats for their companions for the same reasons. They took them from shelters, so they felt they were giving them better conditions for few years of lives.

Brid Hegarty

The next time he does the "I" instead of "we" thing, call him out on it. Don't be afraid to bring up all the previous times it happened with him. If he claims not to remember the time it happened when he brought his brother over, then that would be interesting. Don't let him pretend that he can't remember it. Also, don't be afraid to tell him the impression it gives you. After all, how could he pretend not to understand your explanation. I'd also go as far as to tell him "try and end that habit as it'll show people a side of you that you'd rather they didn't know"! Now whether that offends him or not will be very interesting. If he does get offended and lashes out at you, well then back up your comment by highlighting what he told you about his plans to inherit the object from his elderly relative. End of argument! Maybe he'll cut ties with you himself after that.

Btw, seeing as your account is anonymous could you tell us what it was that he did that his father had to ring up to check you were okay? I'm wondering if you had revealed that to us in the OP, would we think he's more bad than the general impression here so far. And could you tell us both your ages?

I have a sister that's somewhat like this. One night after we all went to bed in the family home she was around the house tidying because her bf was due to call over the next day. She used to go tidying hours in advance like a psycho when he was due over, and would often lose things in the process. She started moving photos about on one of the shelves. The phone cradle for our landline was on one shelf. Anyway, she mustn't have liked the look of it. It was plugged into the socket in the a different room via a whole drilled in the wall. She didn't have the intelligence to follow the wire through and disconnect it from the other side, so instead she cut the wire and threw the charger cradle and plug into the bin. I found the phone (bizarrely) in the dog basket underneath this shelf in the morning. She said it was all an accident and that the wire snapped when the phone fell.

I was friends with a guy somewhat like this once too. He was more of a partner than a friend... a musician that is, and we had plans of being a duo act. Sometimes he seemed to somehow play stupid when it suited him. I could never quite figure out if whether it was actually stupidity or him pretending... because he did seem kind of stupid in other ways. One time I had a similar situation to the one you had with the Brazilians... not as extreme, but similar in that (for a second) I doubted my own memory... as you probably did. I was very annoyed, but he apologised; he shut up and let me give my rant which felt therapeutic, and I let that reassure me that he'd learned something from it. But later I realised that it felt like he was just saying sorry for the sake of it, and that he didn't understand what he'd done wrong. I would liked to have asked him "what exactly was going through your head when you did that?" and seen his response... that would have been hard for him. Another time he was apologising about something, and he said "look, I don't want you to think I'm an asshole". That was interesting; I was kinda thinking "well obviously, but it's not all about what you 'want'". Looking back I should have - well I should have cut ties earlier, but aside from that - demanded that we sit down and have a talk about the communication issues between us, but I felt like that would be considered a girly thing to do that he'd have laugh at. But I really should have demanded that of him. When we'd meet, he'd try and avoid such talk and just say "alright alright, lets just practise the song". This of course allowed him to (at some point in the future) play the "I don't remember that" card. I stayed with him for a while longer though. I thought I could anticipate his stupid behaviour. Eventually I realised that part of the reason I stayed with him was because I liked catching him out... and winning the arguments that would result from his selfish behaviour. Only sometimes he'd win them and that would annoy the sh1te out of me. Eventually I wouldn't just give my rant with him, but I'd make sure he was listening along the way. I'd say things like "doesn't that make sense?" or "am I wrong?". He did not like this as he knew I'd be able to pick apart his bullshit responses, and he could no longer do the pretending he hadn't heard me trick. I finally cut it off with him.

Cricketssss

OP back again.

I know that it's customary in PI to turn things around and and try to make the OP feel like they're the unreasonable one. I've had to look at the replies and try to sift the reflexive "No, YOU'RE the arsehole!" posts from the more genuine "Here's a perspective that shows your own actions in a different light" posts.

It's probably true that I've let him away with a lot, but I'm not his mammy and he's not my only friend. Still, I need to start being a little less careless about putting myself in a position where I might end up feeling 'dismissed' when he behaves in a self-centred way. The fact is that I'm not at my most gracious and pleasant when I have been made to feel small and insignificant. Nobody is.

It's funny that so many people thought the encounter with the Brazilians was the worst thing on the list. I wasn't all that annoyed about that, I included it as an example of a time when he got caught up in his own stuff and assumed either that I was reading his mind or that I would adjust to accommodate. The times he really upset me were the times when he went to great lengths to explain why there was a 'logical' reason why his actions were acceptable, like his theory that looking after a pet twice as well for half its life is just as good as looking after it normally for its whole life.

Contrary to some assumptions made here, people who aren't married tend to have wider and more active social circles than married people. He is however one of my oldest and closest friends. I would miss him because he matters to me, not because I would have nobody else to talk to! I didn't make a list of all the good times we've had (because, as somebody so gently pointed out, the post was long enough!) but I did mention that he has good qualities. He's not stingy at all, he can be very sincere and affectionate, he is a brilliant person to motivate people and to get others out of their comfort zone. The good qualities aren't the subject of this thread though. I can see that it's hard for a reader to give advice but just typing it out was probably helpful to me.

My post was intended to be about his weird thing of ALWAYS saying 'I' and my suspicion that it indicates that he believes it is literally all about him and nobody else matters. When I started remembering examples of his blasé selfishness I was a bit taken aback by how the evidence was stacking up. In the cold light of day I'm not so sure that he is incapable of understanding that other people exist just as fully as he does, but I definitely think there is something amiss.

I'm going to leave it at that, I think. Thanks to everybody who took my rambling seriously and did their best to give a perspective. I really do appreciate you taking the time to help.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - As the OP is not looking for any further advice on this issue, we will close the thread at this point.

Some off topic chit chat posts deleted.

Posters are reminded that they are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

Thanks to all who offered advice.

Hilda