Uninterested Grandmother

Flinty997

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058265255/uninterested-grandmother

"...I just wanted to hear what other people think of how she has acted and am I being unreasonable'..."

I don't think we are allowed to discuss what is "reasonable". But I would suggest that trying to bend someone who its obviously unwilling to your way of thinking isn't going to work. It will only continue to cause conflict.

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119680082#Comment_119680082

there is of course normal behavior and this is not it

the op doesn't seem to have said that in this thread

rang every day, called in regularly

Thats a closer relationship than most have.

Meeoow

Even if she doesn't want to take an active role in the grandchilds life, to not go to her christening is downright mean. There seems to be underlying issues going on, seems to resent the child

mailforkev

Obviously no grandparent has to behave in a particular way, but it looks like some version of the narcissist/golden child/scapegoat family dynamic is going on here, one that I'm presuming long predates your child.

For example, she consistently treats you poorly, but as soon as she needs assistance after her appendix is removed, it's you that runs to help her. Where was your wonderful brother when she needed help?

Best thing to do here is recognise the situation, extract yourself from that situation and look after yourself and your new family.

rob316

Your brother would want to grow up and be happy for you. He can't see his niece as he wants a child? Pathetic to be honest.

OP a grandparent should be absolutely thrilled to be around your children and been involved with their care. My grandparents spoiled me and my children are spoiled by my parents, they jump at the chance to be with them. Don't get too hung up on it, sounds to me the child is better off without grandparent like that. Look after you and your family.

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119680082#Comment_119680082

that doesn't make any sense in the english language, theres normal, theres abnormal

Your wife and your child are your priorities now, OP.

By all means continue to make an effort with your mother but only if it's not affecting your home life. If it starts causing tension between you and your wife it's time to cut the mother off.

It's one thing a grandparent setting boundaries, but as someone else said, not going to the christening is suss and suggests something more malignant lingering below the surface.

EOQRTL

I don't get it. If they have no interest then so be it OP. I feel similar about my sisters kids and it's just the way it is.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119695617#Comment_119695617

Do you and your sister get along?

blackbox

Just get on with your own life.

If your mother wants to get involved, that's fine. If she doesn't want to, that's fine too.

No sense in falling out over it.

RavenBea17b

OP, it does come across that your mother is setting boundaries - nothing wrong with that, it works both ways. However, understandable as it is for your brother and sister in law to be upset that they are so far unable to have a child, it is quite a low thing to do, to not want to be involved in your family life, wish you happiness etc. It must be so hurtful to both your wife and yourself to feel that your daughter is missing out on getting to know her uncle ,aunt, grandmother - young as she is, she will already have picked up on it.

Do you know if your sister-in law has any siblings of her own - that have had families ? If so, do they act the same around them if they're her nephews/nieces. Has your brother always behaved like this, emotional around other having kids, or has he slowly got worse.

I do suspect, that should they have a child of their own, or choose to adopt, then your mother may take more interest in your brothers child - she being mindful at all cost to not upset him, from the very start whilst not being as considerate to you.

I mentioned boundaries at the start, that it works both ways. It does. You have tried to get your mum and brother to get to know your child, they don't appear to be particular going out of their ways to do so. But when it comes to family get togethers, with your aunts, uncles' cousins, family weddings, general catch ups with family and friends, they may have already picked up on the lack of interest from your mother/brother etc. If asked about it, be honest with them. They may be aware but were unsure how to approach it.

It will hurt, but your mother has been clear that she wants her independence and to distance from your family. Don't be at her beck and call as much. Be cautious about your brother. Focus on your own immediate family. If other family members ask why, tell them the truth.

bitofabind

I was reading through hoping something else clocked this, and I’m glad a few already mentioned it.

OP, google narcissistic parents and toxic family dynamics. You might recognise yourself as the scapegoat and your brother as the golden child. The one that is enabled in all kinds of entitled behaviour probably going back decades, while you are anything from ignored to forgotten to undermined by your parent. This is shockingly common IME (especially among older less enlightened generations) and also disastrous for children in terms of their development and all of the self esteem and mental health problems later in life to have been treated as less than when they were children. And treating the scapegoat’s child as an afterthought is textbook for this type of parent.

Google it and then think about how this woman parented you and if this coldness and favouritism has always existed. And then emotionally distance yourself and stop prioritising a woman that has so little regard for you.

WertdeerSC

After being a father to two for a few years, it's completely exhausting and draining. A woman in her sixties would have a lot less energy than me and probably just wants to live a life without feeling tied to this and that, freedom after a lifetime of work and other commitments is huge. I love family life but at the same time, cannot wait to get my own life back where I can do what I want, when I want.