Ill friend

road_high

Hi all,

Just reaching out for some help really. Long story short- guy I’ve known a long time has stomach cancer (recurring again, he had it before I knew him too). This summer gone by I felt myself growing close to him. We had just been friends for a few years. We went on a few dates. I could feel myself really falling for him big time. Was like I hadn’t seen what was in front of my eyes for a few years.

Anyhow, I could suddenly feel him pull away from

Me. Grow cold distant and put off any attempts to see me. It hurt. I eventually got it out of him that he was back on Chemo drugs and radiotherapy for the cancer. In his words “just a few dodgy cells”. He said he said he didn’t want to drag someone else into it all. I respect that and of course I kept in touch. Tried helping him out in little ways I could.

Fast forward to this week. I tentatively asked him how the treatment had been going. He said not sure as the treatment hasn’t appeared to improve the situation with the cancer. All through text so I don’t have a full picture and again respectfully letting him tell me what he wants to tell rather than more pressure from me. Which he does not need. Only thing is I’ve been shattered all weekend worrying and thinking about him since those words. I realise this is not about me it’s about him and I want to continue the support. I can just tell from the tone and mood of the texts he is very down beat. He suggested he may not continue with the treatment. Which I have to say absolutely floored me. Had anyone any advice or experience of anything similar?

Thanks for listening:)

road_high

@mods I’ve moved this thread to Personal Relationship issues so please feel free to delete if you feel appropriate

karlitob

Not sure really what to say except that it sounds like two good people each just trying to find their way in an awful situation. Him protecting himself and you. You protecting yourself and him.

It doesn’t sound like their much else that you can do except perhaps share with him what you wrote above. However hard it is for him, knowing that there’s someone out there who cares for him as much as you do - whatever the outcome - has got to only be a good thing for him. It must be a tough place for him to be in - keeping you at bay to protect you from all this, keeping himself at bay to protect him from all this, all the while going through what’s he going through.

I wish you all the best with it.

iamwhoiam

Can I suggest writing a letter . Sit down and write a letter telling him that you are there for him .,Make an offer of dropping off dinners or doing his washing or going to the shops for him

He can read a letter at his own pace or re read it when he feels strong enough without the pressure of replying

If he lives close by maybe you can make a dinner and leave it at his door occasionally or leave shopping etc

He will know you are there and put your address so he can reply if he wants to at his own pace .,

My heart goes out to you. Virtual hugs here. You are facing a likely terminal illness scenario, you love him, he loves you, you are going to feel the pain and sadness, and you need to be supported by others around you, and indeed here online. People facing the probable end of their lives react in different ways, some distance themselves to protect those they love, often not being able to cope with inevitably tearful situations.

road_high

We have never been “official” or anything like that. But I do feel the rug has been pulled under from all that and even the possibility of it.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119693331#Comment_119693331

Great ideas thanks. Was going to possibly send a card and drop out some things

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119693396#Comment_119693396

Maybe in some ways it’s a good thing (if I’m being honest and selfish). If I was in a relationship with him, “in love” then I can imagine how desperate this could possibly be on me. It feels obnoxious and hollow to even think that though

Graces7

Let him know that you are there for him if he wants. The ideas here are great and would allow him to choose without pressure.Often just knowing someone IS there helps more than most realise. A hedge against despair...