Anxiety About The Future

LostinPlaces

I am 42. I am marred with two kids in primary school. I only managed to get on the property ladder a year ago. We are a one income family as my wife minds the kids.

I have been in my current role for 3 years and I am fed up of it. So many of my colleagues have left for other jobs. There is a real culture of squeezing the employees, making endless demands, ridiculous KPIs, arrogant and uncaring bosses and I want to quit. But even if I do find another role then who is to say I won't face similar issues there. I just feel fairly burnt out as I have worked for many years without any kind of break and would love a month or two to breathe and get out of the current toxic environment.

I also am a bit ashamed of myself that I don't challenge my boss at meetings when he is being unreasonble. I wouldn't want my kids to let others walk all over them but I fear that if I rock the boat and get into it with him then it will just make matters worse.

I have 20 years+ of mortgage payments ahead of me, hate my job but am trapped in it for now. I know you will see that I should look for other roles and I am but the thought of 20 more years in corporate or office environments with people obsessed with status or promotion or all the petty politics just fills me with dread. I would love to just go off to some rural cabin with my family and live a more wholesome life away from all the BS and stupid dramas of working life. But I can't because I have a mortgage and loans to pay off. I just feel it is a waste of my life to do something that eats away at me and corrodes my soul week in and week out but I see no other option and feel completely hopeless. I love my family but my current situation means that I am not giving them the energy and love they deserve. It all feels fairly hopeless.

bucketybuck

There are a hell of a lot alternatives in between "cabin in the woods" and "soul sucking corporate hell hole".

Look for a job that isn't corporate office based, there are plenty of them out there.

LostinPlaces

Unfortunately the area I work in is very much associated with the corporate office environment. I would love the breathing space or time to take a course in another area and possibly do a career pivot but I don't have that luxury. We are literally living pay check to pay check at the moment and I have no wiggle room.

handlemaster

Speak your mind you will feel better for it. Job or no job.

Mongfinder General

You should apply to be a magician because buying a place on one income with a wife and two kids is nothing short of financial alchemy. Almost impossible to do.

You should also apply to join the public service - you won’t find the same pressures there. PAYE workers get screwed tax wise in this country - public and private. So the money should not be that different

If your children are both in primary school could you suggest to your wife that she find a part time job?

It won't help with the workplace stress, but it may help with the anxiety of being the sole earner.

I also think a public service role could be a good choice for you - especially if there was a second source of income coming into your home, as you probably wouldn't earn as much in the public sector.

karlitob

In lots of ways, I feel sorry for you. And on the other hand, I feel like telling you to man up and fix your problems.

So before anyone gives out to me - I think you need help. Proper help. Do you have access to a HR department, someone who will make time for you and sit down and discuss career progression. Do you have access to some form of Employee Assistance Programme? They can help with career but also help you with your head. If your company doesn’t have both those things then you need to find any other job at all soon. Because it won’t get better where you are. You need to go with the aim of a change being as good as a rest and get the space to give you a new perspective on the world so you can get access to a HR/Employee Assistance Programme

And tell the wife to get a job

Comments alluding that public sector is easier than what you’re doing is BS, by the way.

No one said a public sector role would be easier, but it is a different kind of pressure.

There is less of the obsession with status or stepping over your colleagues for the next promotion. The public service is usually better for family friendly practices like Shorter Working Year Scheme, WFH and Flexi.

OP, burnout is very real. You really do need to make some changes or you could become physically ill.

the_amazing_raisin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119693181#Comment_119693181

So I used to work in an office job that I hated, lots of long hours, pressure from upper management and office politics.

Management were always giving us BS about how they valued all our extra work, how it was the same everywhere and they were trying to get more help to make life easier for us

I wouldn't worry about not standing up to management because in these types of places they don't reward employees who show some backbone. Obedience is what they want and fighting the bosses won't accomplish anything other than put you in the cross hairs. Best way to beat them is to stop playing their silly games

About 5 years ago I finally got the push to change and got a different job. I spent a while secretly doing interviews and being told to p!ss off by prospective employers. I got a couple of offers but turned them down because they weren't great.

Finally I found a job where the boss seemed cool and had his head scewed on, and the work seemed interesting. It was a total change from the last place, still hard work but much less of a grind and not nearly as many late evenings. It was much more rewarding and far less head wrecking

Recently I was getting a bit fed up there, so I've decided to change again. Starting in the new place tomorrow and I'll be honest, I'm really nervous about it. But the people I've spoken to there seem cool, and the work is interesting, so I'm reasonably confident it'll be okay

So here's my advice, it isn't the same everywhere, there are better places to work. You're in a position of strength now, you can look for new jobs and afford to pick and choose where you work. Ideally you'll find somewhere nicer to work, and also get a few more euros for your trouble

You might be waiting for a good time to change, but I'll tell you right now there are no "good" times to change, no matter what it'll cause some disruption to your life. The right time is now, not later when your employer decides to downsize and you NEED a new job

Honestly I would recommend trying to find a place which is a genuinely nice place to work. If possible, try to speak to the manager and some potential teammates and really ask yourself if you'd like to work with them or if they'd wreck your head. No matter how rewarding the work, if your bosses are a$$holes then you'll just end up dreading work

Also, I'd recommend trying to moderate your expectations around work. At the end of the day, it's a job, not your life. I don't think anyone really loves their job, but you shouldn't hate every minute of it. It should feel engaging and rewarding, and you should hopefully get along with your colleagues.

But you still have to go work on days you'd rather stay in bed and watch Netflix, so just manage what you expect your job to be. Ultimately, it's main utility is a paycheck, nothing more

dublin49

was that soldier once and just ploughed on until I came through the other side and it wasnt very pleasant.You are looking too far ahead into future and you are on the toughest part of the course just now .Most feel the way you do,you are not unique,the simple life you mention suggests you want to just give up,a normal feeling in a marathon ,life with young kids is a slog ,most of the time,its important you take time to do things you enjoy ,obviously without costing much expense.

You will be amazed if you stick with it the way unexpected opportunities open up as your kids get bigger and more independent the weight of the mortgage indebtness doesnt seem so onerous and perhaps your wife might resume working ,this can happen pretty quickly .I tended to be financially conservative given I didnt like debt and if any lump sums or bonuses come your way try and start a rainy day fund which will relieve the stress of doomsday scenarios.

I am nearly retired and can tell bosses to take a hike now but like you held my tongue when financial well being was non negotiable.You have a lot be thankful for and the price for that is you play ball for now,day to day and bide your time as things always change.

LostinPlaces

I appreciate all the comments, very kind of you to try to help me

ManOfMystery

Just a thought, does your lender offer a mortgage holiday option? Many do nowadays. It obviously won't reduce what you're paying back and just extends your final term, but could potentially give you a month or two mortgage free if you did decide you needed some time out or wanted space to look for something else.

I also fully agree that if all your income is being swallowed up by mortgage/bills and you have no ability to save or have disposable cash left, and you don't see any means to massively increase your earnings in the near future, then your wife needs to start working too. You say your kids are in primary school, but also that your wife minds them? Do you mean she collects them from school and minds them from 3pm-ish onwards? That still gives her scope to take on a part-time job at least. Any extra income will lessen the burden you're feeling and also help you to save, which will in turn mitigate the risk of what happens if you had an injury or sickness and were unable to work for an extended period.

HildaOgdenx

I second what @dublin49 says about looking too far into the future.

This phase won't last forever, the difficult boss might move on, you might choose to move on. Who knows what opportunities might present themselves? If possible get in touch with the former colleagues, see how the land lies elsewhere.

Please don't beat yourself up about not speaking up or challenging your boss. It's called choosing your battles, and sometimes the right thing to do is to stay quiet. It's an art in itself figuring out the best way to 'manage upwards'.

Have a read about catastrophising. It's what we do when we are stressed and we see things very much in black and white. Maybe have a chat with your GP about how you are feeling. They might suggest that you take a bit of time out and that in itself might give you a bit of breathing space, and a chance to clear your head.

Mind yourself.

I was in the same position last year. Changed job in the same field and ended up on more money with less hours and pressure, glad I did it. It might not go that way for you OP. If you're there a while you might be becoming a bit institutionalized but I'm guessing your afraid of changing for another role and it will end up being as bad as the one your in. There's a chance that it could happen, but the alternative is staying in the job that is as bad as the one you're in :) The wanting to run away to a log cabin is obviously the stress and possibly a bit of panic setting in. If it was me, I'd get the CV updated and start poking around LinkedIn and see what's available.

Purple Mountain

Does your job offer paid sick leave? Could you ask your GP to sign you off for a month on the grounds of stress.

Explain to your GP that you're feeling overwhelmed and ask for recommendations for talk therapy/possible medication for now.

Use the time to unwind and take stock of your options.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119693122#Comment_119693122

there's even office jobs that aren't these caricatures of corporate hell

Jonnyc135

Stand up for yourself and have pride in yourself. Be straight with your boss and refuse to do the extra workload if you are getting nothing in return, if doesn't like it fook him. Be braved and stand up for urself because noone else will.

Once your ticking your boxes and going your job competently there is nothing they can do to you and if they want to get rid of you, you'll more than likely get redundancy.

Muppet Man

You're in the best position to find a new job - I.e while you have a job... you can pick and chose. Normally, switching jobs can yield considerable pay rises. .. 15 to 20% sometimes. The mortgage becomes less of a burden then.

Appreciate your current bosses are assholes and corporate life seems to suck, but all aren't like that.

Try not to overthink the mortgage thing. We all had to do it. You're basically paying for a roof over your families head so in that respect its money we'll spent. The duration is irrelevant. You're in a strong position. Stay strong friend.

Muppet man

the_amazing_raisin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119705962#Comment_119705962

Brave words but tbh the corporate world has no time for anyone with a backbone.

Generally folks who stand up to their bosses get a poor performance review which their employer can use as an excuse to put them on probation and then get rid of them

Yeah maybe they'll pay you to leave but I doubt it'll be anything more than statutory redundancy, which would probably only cover a couple of months of expenses.

Principles are nice when you can afford them but they won't put food on the table or a roof over your family's head

The annoying truth is that you can't fix bad bosses, it isn't like they're suddenly going to start treating you with respect if you stand up to their crap. Most likely they'll start talking about how you aren't a team player and try to guilt trip you because your coworkers will have to pick up more work, blah blah blah

Like I said before, sometimes the only way to beat them at their game is to stop playing

the_amazing_raisin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119705923#Comment_119705923

Yeah I've worked office jobs all my career so far and found some of them to be quite enjoyable

If the work is reasonably interesting, your colleagues are easy to work with and your boss isn't a pr1ck then it can be quite a lot of fun

Of course there's still the reality that a job is a job, and you still have to do it on the days when you'd rather sit on the sofa in your underwear watching Star Trek.

That's the unfortunate fact about any line of work that the careers guidance teachers always skip over

NiceFella

Agree with others about looking for other options. But it also sounds like you are having a lot of unnessesary anxiety on top of this. If you need some immediate space to relax, I'd suggest the 4 7 8 breathwork technique.(lookup on you tube) Doing this daily will really help calm your mind and speaking as someone who has been plagued with anxiety, you'd be very surprised how well it can work.

Quandary

Would your wife consider doing a bit of child minding ? Nice to get a bit of tax free income.

an extra 3 or €400 per month could add a bit of wiggle room.

Airyfairy12

Your wife needs to get herself a job, the kids are in school so theres nothing stopping her from getting part time hours doing anything she can get! You cant be expected to pay the mortgage and support the family.

Meeoow

Could you stay at home with your kids and your wife work outside the home? Maybe she'd prefer to have a full time job and get out of the house and meet people.

Etc

I completely understand your position, ridiculous things like please complete our voluntary annual employee survey we want to make the experience of working here even better, then you get a mail from your boss to confirm in writing you’ve completed the survey to ensure their metric for completion is 100%.

you also have the pressure of needing the salary, I’m assuming based on your post you probably have some of the perks that go with corporate jobs, health, bonus etc, it’s can be a vicious circle.

The unfortunate thing is you can’t fix these places, but don’t look at things 20 years ahead, bosses change, opportunities come up roles change over time too.

Focus on your needs for the next 6-12 months, i.e. I can do this because it suits my needs. Can you ask your boss for some modification to your role, is there project you can do that you could motivate yourself to do ?

Also talk to someone, burnout doesn’t fix itself and you’ll become less productive and feel even worse. See your doctor there is help out there, please don’t bottle it up or try to work through it on your own.