It's over, isn't it?
Comments
-
Making significant decisions, and ignoring issues in the relationship because you hope or expect the person will change by their own accord is a bad decision. Not that this helps the OP now.
0 -
You literally haven’t a clue what you’re talking about. Have you considered the reason the OP is receiving “a lot” of such replies is because they are overwhelmingly valid?
Nobody has suggested her concerns are not valid, but it seems she knew he was autistic before they married and had kids. He’s not able to hold down a full time job so far as we can tell, so he’s probably just above functional and obviously struggles on a social level.
The wheelchair comment was to point out your lack of understanding and was meant satirically. Your later comments on deaf people where you attempted to emulate the OP situation with a completely different disability only highlights your ignorance of the situation and any advice you offer the OP is not likely to be helpful despite your intentions.
OP, it’s not hopeless but the better you understand your husbands autism, the better you can both manage. Screaming at him works only in the short term. A professional with understanding of his autism is where you should both go.
Stay Free
1 -
we re not thought these things growing up, we have a severe lack of awareness of the behavior of others, our educational system does a grand total of nothing to prepare us for such, theres nothing logical about falling in love and the decisions that occur during so, we hope things work out, but sometimes they dont, and sometimes it just requires the appropriate support and help to get it there....
0 -
The staggering irony of saying that I attempted to emulate the OP situation with a completely different disability, when you are the one who brought up the incoherent wheelchair analogy out of nowhere...
Fact is that yet again your response to the OP is for her to do more. The implication is that if she understands better then she will be able to accommodate him more, to manage him better, to be a better carer for him.
She doesn't want to manage, she doesn't want to be a carer, she wants to have a fulfilling life with a husband she is attracted to. Telling her she knew the damn deal before she got married is totally dismissive of her needs and desires.
0 -
People change, priorities move around, standards raise and fall. If the person she married isn't making her happy she is allowed to improve her situation.
It doesn't matter why she's not happy. Gambling issues, excessive drinking, anger problems, emotional distance- these are all valid reasons to reconsider and reevaluate a relationship. By the same token neurodiverse characteristics, if they're causing problems in the relationship, are a perfectly acceptable reason for anybody to want to leave a relationship. So what if she knew her partner had these characteristics or challenges? It was acceptable in their past together but it's not now. She was able to cope with, make allowances for, or ignore difficulties but it's not working for her any more.
OP, I think a little distance will improve your quality of life and possibly your co-parenting setup.
5 -
Advertisement
-
Clearly you are having difficulty understanding my posts, as well as autism, or how relationships work.
Firstly, I clarified the obvious tongue-in-cheek/satire in the wheelchair reference.
Secondly, I suggested that they both needed to do things differently and never suggested she do more. For example; both of them seeking professional help is likely to reduce the anguish the OP is experiencing and might save her voice from reducing her yelling at her partner. Change does not = more.
Finally, I acknowledged the OPs concern and difficulty. It is not dismissed by anyone reminding her what she knew before entering the relationship. She is her own woman and can choose to end the relationship if she wants to. It's her choice as a grown up.
My view is that relationships and especially marriages need constant work, effort, compromise and give. It's not easy and some people are better off apart, but if both sides work together then it's worth the effort. If one person has unrealistic expectations, then nobody is going to be happy....however, those expectations are technically still valid and the grownup can decide whatever they want to do if the other person is unable to meet the expectations.
Stay Free
0 -
I understand them just fine, I simply do not accept the inherent assumption that his condition excuses his actions and that the OP just needs to accept it.
And you never suggested she had to do more?
Lets not be disingenuous here, you and others give lipservice by saying that both sides need to seek help, that both sides need to work together. But be honest, you know that he is not going to seek help, that he is not going to change anything without being dragged into it by the OP, that it will be her who will do all the running should she decide to try and salvage this, and she is the one who will have to work to maintain it all in the long term. And we also know that there will be no revolutionary change at the end of it, that the best she can hope for is some learned behaviours that make him a bit easier to live with.
I'm no fortune teller, but don't insult my intelligence by claiming that some other result is likely.
Again, if I was speaking to the husband and he asked my advice I would be telling him what I think he could do. But the OP asked the question and I simply say that she does not have to make the best of a bad situation, till death do us part are just words.
0 -
If you have supportive parents & family & they dislike him then my advice is just take the bull by the horns and leave. Staying for the childrens sake only shows them bad habits and no good structure for the future. Single mothers cope very well alone and in this present situation you are rearing two toddleers and carrying the weight of a man child. Get out before you change your mind he wont change they never do . Good luck a supportive family is a godsend make use of this.
2 -
It doesn't work like that. We can't just separate intimacy from how we feel about the person. She sounds like she does not desire intimacy with him or feel any kind of sexual attraction, not that she is consciously denying him sex as a strategy because she's pissed off.
3 -
If you’re responding to my posts, don’t lump me in with anyone who may have (in your opinion) excused his actions because of his condition. I’d also appreciate you retract your suggestion that I am being disingenuous as this is just your perception and and has no foundation to support it. I have explicitly said they both need to work on this, but as you have already said, the OP is the Wife who was asking for advice, not the Husband, so we can’t tell him what he needs to do, only she can do this.
Your outlook is rather hopeless. People can and do change. I’m autistic and with help and willingness I was able to make great improvements to my and my family life. Like the OPs partner I missed a lot of the stuff she is talking about. My Wife understands autism and it helps her understand better when I miss certain things in a social or house cleanliness sort of way. One of our sons is autistic too and understanding it is key to not losing your rag every day. Not to insult your intelligence, but with the right aims and supports, a much better outcome is rather likely. You see, all behaviour is learned and these behaviours can be modified. No crystal balls needed.
Stay Free
2 -
Advertisement
-
Well you can only go on what people write.. and the OP states
"Maybe it's just me, but I find it very difficult to want ta have sex with someone that I'm angry at."
and
"Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away."
So she's nagging at him and it seems when he doesn't do as she likes, then she doesn't feel like sex.
She doesn't say that she doesn't have any sexual attraction. In fact they seem to get on in other ways and she says he's "cute & funny". She needs to separate out the sex bit though from the household chores etc. That's not how it works is it?
It might well help her mood if he did more chores around the place as and when she needs the help. But if it's not happening, then want to be careful that it doesn't become a self fulfilling prophecy. He doesn't help in her eyes, she doesn't feel like sex, he resents this, he declines chores when asked. Round & round.
1 -
I dont think its as black and white as you're reading. She isnt withholding sex as a punishment, shes doesnt want to be intimate with someone she constantly is having issues with and is at the point she believes the relationship is over.
She said she WAS attracted to him and he WAS funny and cute. For alot of people attraction isnt just physical its a whole range of things and alot of them are no longer there in this situation.
6 -
The OP is 100% equating the 2 issues
Lack of Chores = nagging = no sex
They have hardly had sex in 2 years at this stage as "Our love life is nil since our youngest was born
She's lying to him that it's hormones but it's now a lack of attraction and no feelings "eventually any feeling just went away"
Reading up on other threads the OP and the partner started trying for kids very soon after they got together due to their ages
Unfortunately it hasn't worked out and even though it's not going to be easy It's over Isn't it if a fair summary of the situation
0 -
Yes I read what she wrote, she said she used to want to and that eventually any feeling went away. It generally doesn't come back once it gets to that point. She can't just separate the two issues, we don't decide what makes us lose attraction for someone or what gives us the ick. Perhaps it is possible for someone to try to consciously separate them before it becomes an issue, but I doubt it is possible after. The damage is done by then.
Thinking someone is cute doesn't equal desiring sex with them.
2 -
I'm an autistic man in my early 30s, of whom my long term partner is on the spectrum also (Asperger's/adhd) and I've just barely read the first page of this page, and whilst I totally understand kyliths shall I call them grievances, I'm not going to necessarily reply to those issues, except to say follow your heart and don't be listening to others, your friend shouldn't be judging, it's your decision at the end of the day...
what I am taking umbrage to is people's comments regarding autism, and I'm not blaming anyone, it is a hard one to understand, I too can't make head nor tails of my understanding of it at the best of times, I always think I have autism but autism doesn't have me,
It seems kylith doesn't have a great understanding of her partner's autism's, alongside those replying to this thread, I know I find it very difficult to change, and no asking me multiple times won't help, in fact it can be frustrating, most autistic people don't have the faculty to express their feelings, but I can assure you in our minds to ourselves our brains can fry, however we can suffer meltdowns, that can mean lashing out, screaming, shouting, even biting, in some cases a blind rage, amongst other things,
we have routines, and it seems he has ended up in some sort of routine re his phone, and contrary to what people on this thread have mentioned routines cannot sometimes never be broken, yes small alterations might occur, but it's very hard, now not all autistic people are the same, there are variations on the spectrum, if you don't know much about autism you won't have a clue, and I'm not trying to be dismissive or condescending, autistic people don't have a way with words and we tend to be out straight, don't mince our words,
It's unfortunate that he shows lack of attention towards his children, but that's autism again, we lack empathy and sympathy towards others, a majority of times we don't give a monkeys about those around us, doesn't mean we don't care, it's just we find it hard to express that we do, we are socially awkward and that in itself extends to a sexual relationship, we don't see sex the way normal people do, some people with autism won't even go there as the thought of it disgusts them,
Regards it being normal to fight, not necessarily, I know how I react to an argument, and it's not good, I'd get very frustrated and would have the mother of all outbursts, all sorts of nonsense firing through my head but I can't get it out, that's what frigs me and my partner up, her ADHD means she can get very argumentative, and then my brain fries and I don't know how to react, even thinking about it, merciful hour,
Re the cleaning, depending on his upbringing and how his parents treated him due to being autistic, I mean they could have done everything for him and he may not understand the concept of cleaning etc, (being a man is a daft excuse in these circumstances, redundant even)
My partner has everything done for her, cooking, cleaning washing clothes, you name it, it is done for her, I do most of the work around the home and cooking , my mother taught me from a young age to know how to do all those things, so it was ingrained in me, it's like a routine to me, in my partner's case she is slowly learning to adapt re household chores and I mean slowly, nearly fourteen years living together and I'm only starting to see her change her routine, she has to be prompted most of the times, yes at times I get frustrated and hope the chores could be spilt more evenly, but I knew what situation I was getting into, but we make it work,
We consciously decided not to have children, mostly due to what I mentioned above regarding empathy towards others, in my partner's case she really lacks empathy, but we both thought about it and came to the conclusion that children wouldn't be for us, mainly due because we'd possibly put our needs before theirs, if for example the baby was crying we wouldn't understand, now whilst I understand a baby needs feeding, cleaning, changing etc, it'd be a sensory overload and we wouldn't process it like others, now bare this in mind not all autistic people think like I, but we are mostly self centered, we have no boundaries or in some cases know no boundaries, through no faults if our own,
I hope ye could understand where I was coming from, and don't be afraid to ask me any questions re autism, or whatever,
Best of luck kylith ..
Post edited by iguy on6
