Private play dates

unichick

Hi just looking for advice. I have two children. We’re in a housing estate where 3 of the families kids play together including mine - 5 kids in all. Recently the other three kids seem to be having private play dates & it upsets mine seeing them inside the window & they’re outside. This isn’t a once off.

I’m starting to wonder if we’ve done something wrong. I don’t know the parents well but we always say hello & have chats when we meet. They’ve been to one of the child’s birthday parties

Should I have a word or leave it? I’m trying not to take it personally but it is hurtful for me & my children.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there 3 families including you? So 2 other families. Chances are the other parents are friendlier with each other than you are with them and their kids go in and out of each others houses. One parent might be doing a favour for the other by watching the children while they go off and do something, with the other repaying the favour another time.

Are the children big enough to play outside. You could send your children over to ask if they all want to come out. But sometimes kids want to stay in, so if they say no it's unlikely to be personal. Sometimes parents being friends can influence their children also being friends. If the mothers are in the kitchen having a chat the children are likely to be playing together.

unichick

Thanks for your reply. Yes 3 families including us. Their houses are right next to each other & they would speak more but very different family set up & the mums would not be in & out of each other’s houses. It’s more the case all the family members are home & then the kids play inside one particular house 3 of them & my kids knock for them & they don’t come out & play. They used to always just play outside together. Age range is age 5-8.

My children don’t understand why they don’t come out & play but other times they’ll all play outside together.

I find it upsetting when the children are upset. It’s been going on a while.

10-10-20

Not saying that I know the specific dynamic here, but here are some of my observations from having kids and cousins.

Sometimes it's just too much to have 5 kids playing together in a house. I know I had to 'exclude' kids when my daughter brought friends in, she'd take liberties and have them running from back to front and up the stairs and hiding in bedrooms, etc. It was like we had an open-door policy and any games being played on the road were being run our of ours.

Beyond that there's also the play dynamic and the age-ranges that the kids are at which is important to take into account. Some parents accept the boisterous, noisy play while others may want more low-key or sedentary style of free-play that kids will do when left alone in a small group. That play sometimes occurs between younger and older kids in small groups too, my daughter at 10 would happily play babies or ponies with a 4 year old as long as the smaller child's nature is more submissive and not assertive - a relaxed scene where there is no tension and everybody's happy. It's very hard to attain that dynamic with a larger crowd.

Kids also move in and out of peer-groups, my daughter recently started socialising with a group of two girls which she had little contact with for 3 years and used to have minor conflict with, but they bonded over neighborhood dogs which they now walk together. Other groups which were mainly boys have been dropped and time moves on.

So what I can add is that you can't take these things personally, group-dynamics change and your kids might fit into the bigger puzzle in different ways and neighbours should have free-will without intending offense. Maybe invite the kids in in smaller groups and try work out what dynamic each of them prefer.

JDD

I think there's two types of play here. The free for all "play out on the road" and organised play date.

Personally, I only invite one friend of my kids over to the house at a time. I find that having two separate friends (other than perhaps siblings) over leads to a weird dynamic, where two will want to play at one thing and the third doesn't, which leads to someone being put out. Also, if I organise to do something with them e.g. baking, painting etc the clean up is enough with two of them without adding a third to the mix.

This is obviously hard when there are three close families, but I imagine the two other mothers feel the same way. Why don't you invite the kids from one house over to your house at the weekend. And then invite the other kids over the the week after? You're children won't feel left out then, and they'll know it's kind of a round robin thing when it's an indoor playdate and different to when they all play together outdoors. I expect once you invite the other children over once (or maybe twice) your children will get a return invite.