I live in hell.

launch_racer

I am in a relationship with my partner (almost 30 years), with 4 kids (2 teenagers and 2 younger). My partner is unbearable at times. In some cases asking the most routine question can elicit a what I would describe a complete over reaction. One of my kids has a mental health issue and is being treated and the other is undergoing cancer treatment having just in the past months had a serious operation to remove the said cancer. My life is not hell because the kids are sick but because my partner is unbearable. I’m need someone to talk to about this and have talked to councillors before but found them useless. Where can I go from here?

Dial Hard

Have you tried counselling together? Your issues can't be fixed by only one party to the relationship.

launch_racer

Should have mentioned this in the last post. We tried counselling, a couple of different counsellors. Both were useless and to a point patronising. We gave up after that. They weren’t in-expensive. We both were willing to give it a go but we keep coming around to the same situation … not speaking now it’s just anything will set my partner off. It’s torture walking around in egg shells and is not at all healthy for our kids.

YellowLead

Have you ever considered ending the relationship?

A relationship shouldn’t be a life sentence. You don’t owe this person the rest of your life in misery.

I’m not saying just give up and go, but if you are not getting any communication from the other party and they are being an a-hole, there may be nothing to salvage and you need to consider the possibility.

SuperBowserWorld

I'd say you are both burned out considering the health issues with the kids, being together 30 years, etc etc

In a similar situation.

Just living from day to day, walking on egg shells, can't think of a future ... burned out ... but we are still bearable to each other.

We need time away together and time away separately to just refocus, but there are pressing day to day family health issues to sort out.

Larbre34

Its clear enough that there is a deep and ever present stress within the relationship now, one that there will be no coming back from.

Sometimes there doesn't have to be a betrayal to wreck a relationship. Sometimes simply boredom and the familiarity of contempt is enough.

Your children's illnesses are a terrible thing and my heart goes out to you fighting on so many fronts. And thats why I say to this:

You should walk up to your partner and say, 'I think we should end our relationship immediately and focus on helping the kids as separated parents, what do you think?'

My guess is that his relief will be palpable and that he will fairly quickly accept. My guess is that he has remained with you only because the children are ill. I believe he feels an obligation but that he is very resentful. I'm not judging, its a human emotion, you feel like you're in hell, he probably does too.

Once you separate, it'll be one less omnipresent issue to deal with and hopefully one pillar of your hell removed. Yes, it will bring about other challenges that come with the end of a long relationship and a shared home, but nothing is as bad as living in the pressure cooker that you are in now. And I daresay it will become easier to work together on the children's welfare, once that relationship pressure is removed for good. And the children will benefit from that too.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I couldn't read and not reply. Some days I feel like your partner. I'm a reasonable person. I love my family. I love my husband. I know I would be devastated if anything were to happen any of them, but...

We have had our struggles as a couple. We are married 20 years with 3 teenagers and not enough money! We're not struggling but we're not flush. And teenagers are very expensive. Our marriage went through a very rough patch a few years ago. Very.

I love my family. My entire life is lived doing things for them. Driving my children to their very many activities and interests, remembering who needs to go where, when. (Last night when I got home I had to stop and think to make sure all children were actually home, and collected from wherever they'd been. I genuinely thought I might have forgotten someone it's so busy)

But there are days I just want to walk away from it all. Days I wished I wasn't married. Days I wished I didn't have children. Life is really really hard. Life with children/teenagers seems like a constant uphill battle just to get them through life and out the other side a half decent human. Life with children who are unwell is enough to tip the most reasonable person over the edge.

Communication is the issue here. Walking up to your spouse and saying you want to separate should be the last resort. You are both living in the same house, the same family. You are both probably living similar experiences. But both only focusing on your own situation. That's normal and human. The fact that you both went to marriage counselling tells me that you both have an interest in trying to figure this out. Separation may ultimately be the end result. But you both need to step back. You need to look at what you have, what you had and see if there's any way to come back together as the couple you once were.

A lot has happened in your lives since you first got together. When you first got together you were in love, and happy, and did things together. I imagine you don't go out much together. You don't spend time alone together away from your children, away from the house. As parents we can be guilty of focusing all our attention on everything except each other. But without giving each other attention, taking notice of each other, spending time with each other, like every other relationship that we neglect and let go, it drifts away. Being married and living together doesn't automatically mean that you're spending time together.

I would advise you to try talk to your spouse. Life is tough. Modern life is very stressful. Having sick children is a huge stress in a family. You were a good unit once. Give yourselves the chance to try find that again. It might be gone forever, but the fact you were both willing to try counselling makes me think there's still something between you that is worth trying to save. It starts with communication though. If talking gets you nowhere, maybe try a letter.

As a father who had a child with cancer I can tell you he is probably angry at the world. And I can also guarantee you have massive blind spots that you don't see too.

Get into counselling asap - but you will need a really good counsellor. This isn't an ordinary relationship issue. And don't make any big decisions now that you will regret later.

We came out the other side - but it was really tough. I had to drag my wife to counselling by saying it's either this or divorce. Best thing we ever did - getting her to acknowledge there was actually a problem and it was on both sides, and down to how we both handled it in different ways was a big breakthrough for both of us.

I also find it interesting you mention the kid with the mental health issue first and the kid with cancer second. And the fact that your partner (and you yourself OP) have mental health issues, yet you may not realise this.

bucketybuck

"I can't talk to my partner, any little thing I say sets him off into a huge overreaction"

"Have you tried talking to him?"

🙄

Forget the conversation OP, its time for a proclamation.

"Every time I try to speak you blow up in my face, we need to end this."

mattser

Does the OP specify whether it is the male or female of the relationship, or are people here just assuming it's the latter ?

Neyite

Have you spoken to any support groups for cancer? Irish Cancer Society?

My first thought is that a couple trying to navigate a child with cancer plus the normal crap that can wobble a marriage probably needs more specialised counselling than your average Relate crowd.

https://www.cancer.ie/cancer-information-and-support/cancer-support/find-support/counselling#who

They offer counselling for the familes and parents of children with cancer. I imagine they deal with lots of families who's life has imploded with a diagnosis.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119897248#Comment_119897248

I was guilty of that. This kind of thing isn't gendered.

Airyfairy12

It sounds like your partner is stressed out of their mind worrying and taking care of two sick children while trying to keep the other two well kids living with some sense of normality. I can only imagine the depression and stress they must be dealing with. Its sometimes the case that people who are depressed will take it out on those around them.

I wouldnt be jumping to ending the relationship as others mentioned. This is a stressful time and what youre going through right now is real life stuff! i dont think throwing in the towel when things get tough is the way to go about it, instead it might be worth considering being considerate and supportive of each other through this very difficult time.

So instead of "Every time I try to speak you blow up in my face, we need to end this." Maybe try - "Every time I try to speak you blow up in my face, we need to sort this out."