Feelings for my housemate and I'd really rather not

Scattered99

Moved into a house of all lads about 2 months ago and I'm having a blast. We watch films/TV together most nights, go bowling and to the cinema etc. They have deemed me "one of the lads" (I'm absolutely not but it's a sweet gesture). I have a lot in common with them.

I've become especially close to one of them and it can't end well. I'm doubtful my feelings are returned, given he's mentioned this woman he really fancies at work several times to me. Sure, he compliments me all the time and tends to playfully elbow/nudge me or touch my arm/shoulder a lot, but I don't think it's even in a flirtatious way. We have the same sense of humour and very similar interests. I was already attracted to him but about 2 weeks ago we had a 2 hour long heart to heart and wow. We really opened up to one another, especially him. He seemed shocked he did and said "I don't know why I'm saying all this, but God, I just feel you really get me. You understand me more than the lads, we're just so alike". It sounds awful silly, but I reckon I've only been that vulnerable with 3 other people in my whole life. It just changed things. He nearly always leaves his room when I'm in the kitchen or sitting room and will stay there till I leave. He will text to see when I'm coming home from work/a mate's house as he wants to watch one of our shows or play some game he found. He seems a little disappointed when I go away for a day or 2.

Thing is, he struggles with a fairly serious mental illness and I myself suffer from awful anxiety. I can't imagine it would end well. I'm guilty of bending over backwards for a mentally ill partner in the past and it's not something I ever want to go through again. I can already tell he's a much better person than this ex and his clearly taking responsibility for it (takes meds, follows a healthy lifestyle, doesn't take it out on us). But there's always the risk. But damn I just feel this connection. He's "good" like 80% of the time and it's really good. I don't think I've ever met someone who can make me laugh as much as he does and we're always smiling at one another. We can do that thing where we look at one another in a group and can tell what the other is thinking. I hate how soppy I sound here.

How do I snap out of this ? Finding accommodation is hard enough in this day an age, let alone housemates you like.

SCOOP 64

Go for it, you know you want too, it might be what you both need.

standardg60

Bide your time OP it's only two months, stay away from any drastic actions, enjoy the company for now, and don't read too much into mental issues, when someone meets the right person for them they can disappear.

Wait and watch.

YellowLead

I think it’s better to keep it as friends for now, it’s tough to find rental accommodation band if you are happy there would be a pain to have to move if something didn’t work out.

Thongs are good right now, you get along with everybody in the house, I’d leave it at that. Why ruin a nice friendship?

Also - be careful about becoming overly dependent / fixated on this guy especially if you are naturally a very anxious person. Imagine how you will feel if he gets with this woman he has said he fancies - don’t get invested, treat him as a housemate.

Scattered99

The last part of your comment is exactly what I fear.

I feel like I'd struggle to hide my annoyance/jealousy. To be honest, I doubt he's "crazy" about her, given he's been like "agh, the effort of meeting (her name and her friend) tonight, just wanna stay in!" etc. Maybe that's all talk but I don't know. It's been nearly 2 months since she started there and he still hasn't so much as kissed the woman. But yes, best to be prepared just in case. She does seem like a lovely girl and I wouldn't want to be nasty when she comes around etc. Isn't warranted.

Swaine

Go for it.

Life is too short not to try.

beertons

For me, I'd move out if I was to get involved with a housemate. You'll change the dynamics in the house with the other lads and him. People aren't fond of house sharing with couples.

Scattered99

Yeah I'm not moving out. I was fortunate enough to find a room at all! And one without mould!! That's why these feelings need to go. This isn't Friends.

JPup

I don't get the advice to repress your emotions at all! Life is too short. You like the guy. He likes you. Give it a go and see what comes of it. Better to regret doing something than not doing it and wondering what if in my book.

Colonel_McCoy

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - Wayne Gretzky

bitofabind

So, risks if you do something about this:

• He doesn't feel the same and things get awkward in your friendship
• He doesn't feel the same but is attracted to you somewhat and it becomes a casual setup to him and you get hurt
• He does feel the same and you're now living with the person you're dating

Any which way, no-one dies. Don't feel guilty for your feelings. Own them, you like him. It's not a crime. See how it plays out. Don't hold back. Give him windows of opportunity. Tell him, if your feelings keep getting stronger. You won't die, it'll either work out or it won't. Don't ruminate.

Salvation Tambourine

Have ye ever done anything together outside of the house? Could suggest going for a drink without it being actually a date and see how things go in that sort of setting away from the house ye both live in.

Scattered99

Aw lads, this isn't good.

I'm gonna need to actively avoid him and focus my efforts elsewhere. I'm only getting more keen the more we hang out. Only the other night, we stayed up talking till 2am, a good 2 or 3 hours after everyone else went to bed. He almost always sits or stands beside me when we're hanging out as a house.

During a very long chat last week, he moaned to me about how awful this coworker was, another sign I'm just a mate. He shared his mental illness with her and she was rude and blunt. She kept prying when he was feeling off and he said he is taken aback and no longer interested. Sure. And to top it off, she has a fella back home (she's only here for a few months) but he's "OK with her having one night stands, she just isn't allowed to date anyone". I actually felt angry for him, because God he deserves better than that.

This is so shite. But I will be proactive. I can stop these feelings.

Buddy Bubs

I think you should go for it, but in a way that is reversible. Ask him to go for a drink or something else outside the house. See how he responds. If he's not interested he will say no and you move on and live your lives.

YellowLead

Are you putting him up on a bit of a predestal? He’s not dating this other coworker right? Therefore why does he deserve better, she hasn’t done anything to him and whether or not herself and her boyfriend are okay with ONS while she’s away has no impact on your predicament.

I don’t think you need to actively avoid him but do make an effort to spend less time if you don’t want to get involved with a house mate, especially when so new in the house, which is wise.

By the way, him ‘moaning’ about the other woman doesn’t mean he only sees you as a friend, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t either - it means nothing except you are somebody he confides in.

mr_edge_to_you

I'd say he's well into you. Go for it.

Lifes too short.

marilynrr

 I'm guilty of bending over backwards for a mentally ill partner in the past and it's not something I ever want to go through again

Surprised so many have said to go for it when you have said this. Maybe people think awareness of it will prevent it from happening again, but unfortunately that often isn't the case and some people repeat the same patterns for various reasons so there's definitely a risk.

Also OP said it was a fairly serious mental illness, I'm curious if it's borderline personality disorder, the "you really get me and you understand me better than anyone else" talk is pretty common among those with BPD...and OP also seems to be taking on a little bit of the rescuer role, being angry on his behalf etc.

Scattered99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119817900#Comment_119817900

Nope, not that one. I've 2 relatives with that and in all honesty, I couldn't date someone with that. They're good people but it's a lot.

TheadoreT

Aside from your ex and this guy, have you had feelings for other mentally ill people, or do you take more than your fair share of burden with family members/friends with issues? It may be an unhealthy pattern.

I think when we're in a healthy mind space we tend to seek out others of a similar ilk, but when we're struggling ourselves we align more with negativity and problematic characters. With extreme anxiety like you have it brings a lot of chaos in your head, and you may be finding comfort in others that are of similar turbulent wavelength, but its the last thing you need tbh, relationships are challenging enough at the best of times, blending the unpredictability of mental illness with your issues and its a complete recipe for disaster.

So I'd say forget about this guy for now and really work on your anxiety. You'll probably have a completely different outlook on things if you get to grips with your own issues.

freebirds

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119817900#Comment_119817900

"BPD" is one of the most discriminatory and stigmatising labels one could receive. It is sexist and arbitrary. The ways of being that are associated with so called "BPD", ("EUPD" is what it is called in the ICD), is a trauma response solely. Personality is a contested term and the language around the disorder is highly contested also, Dr James Davies, Dr Lucy Johnstone, Prof Mary Boyle, Dr Jessica Taylor, Dr Jay Watts and Paula Caplan for instance all delve into this further.

Scattered99

Any more practical advice on this?

I'm thinking of just finding excuses to leave the house more. We are far too close. I think one of my housemates has already picked up on it. Has made 2 or 3 remarks on our late night talks and the fact we're always off to the shops or whatever together. I don't think trying to focus on other fellas is the healthiest way forward, any ideas are welcomed

I know it's "romantic" and there's a good chance my feelings are returned- we've both said variations of "I really like you as a person"/"I love spending time with you/our late night chats". He smiles at me with that soft expression men tend to get when they're keen. I drank a little too much Halloween night and he more or less babysat me and keeps telling me stories about how sweet and funny drunk me was. Claimed the best part of his whole night was talking alone with me for 3 hours. The only way I could ever see this working out is if one if us moved out and it won't be me. I have another 10 months here.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119827553#Comment_119827553

Why not talk to him about it? Come up with a plan together? Say something like I like you and it seems like you like me too - if we weren’t living together I’d consider dating you but the reality is that we are - so let’s just be friends for now, what do you think?

Id be concerned that if you are both lonely / struggling a lot of this attraction could be based around just having somebody to talk to/a sympathetic ear without considering if it’s a healthy match. Things can explode if they go wrong and living there would be a nightmare and for all your housemates. So just be friends for now and spend a little less time with him - but talk to him about it.

thefallingman

Life is short, on your next heart to heart why not talk about it. Regret is an awful thing trust me.

Jequ0n

Kind of sad to see someone being reduced to their “mental illness”. Funny how that label gets applied to some personality disorders but not others.

Seriously OP, if he’s openly talking about his condition you two should be able to work out your boundaries. I can safely say that I’ll never declare my condition to a potential partner because I’d most certainly get rejected for this sort of attitude. The fact that he can talk about it is a good sign.

You both have strong feelings for each other, that’s the way nature works. Be careful about the possibility of getting pregnant before evaluating your situation, otherwise I think you are just going to go for it and hopefully will work out well overall with all the challenges.

Scattered99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119828730#Comment_119828730

He's bipolar, not a personality disorder. But thank you!

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119828730#Comment_119828730

It's not about reducing someone to their mental illness, it's about both people together. Some people have a pattern of ending up in relationships with people who have mental illnesses and can be co-dependent or not have the emotional skills to enforce their own boundaries, the two people and both of their issues combined can create an unhealthy relationship and environment, it's not about just one person. It's about what they can be like together.

The OP expressed a concern about this herself, and the other responses ignored it so I felt it was important to validate her concern.

Scattered99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119830726#Comment_119830726

I appreciate your concern. While I wouldn't go as far as to call it a pattern, I just meant my longest relationship was with an awful fella who had mental health issues and refused to take ANY responsibility. But thay experience was so crap, that since ending that about 2 years ago I've purposely steered clear of mentally ill men. But there's a bit of irony there, considering I'm not the picture of tranquillity either and you're automatically disqualifying a significant portion of the population.

Anyway lads, for all we know, he might only like me as a mate. But I think there's a very good chance there's romantic feelings there, between the always planning stuff with me and how much he goes out of his way for me.

yourdeadwright

Its obvious he likes you,

My hunch is he is afraid like you are & he is using speaking to you about the "work girls " as an excuse to spoeka about relationships & get the conversations down that road to try & work out where you stand,

Does he come across as a guy with experience of dating as it sounds like he doenslt know how to approach the subject ,

TheadoreT

I think if he fancied the pants off you he'd have tried his luck by now, unless he's completely incapable with women,which would surely be an issue in and of itself, its not a very masculine quality to be that timid.

My sense is he didn't fancy you initially, but probably has developed some feelings through your mutual bond, and is probably weighing up if its worth the trouble. He'd probably sleep with you but I'd say without that strong attraction it's likely to go south sooner or later.

joe40

Go for it, I know it is a cliche but better to regret the things you've done than regret the things you have'nt done.

Let him know you feel what's the worst that could happen.