He rejected me but acts interested

bvc456

The guy I like didn't answer to my invitation for coffee but still stares and flirts with me sometimes. I wish he could leave me alone because I've had enough of him tormenting my brain. Everytime I ignore him harshly he tries to get my attention and it's pissing me off. He's also mean to me pretty often. When we talk I feel a bit of a negative vibe from him. What's his deal?? Does he just want one thing? Before I asked him out he used to show many signs of interest, he made a lot of physical contact and suggested hanging out so I thought something would come of it but apparently I was wrong.

YellowLead

Perhaps he’s just a general flirt with all women? Perhaps he is into a casual thing and you asking him on a date led him to believe you were looking for boyfriend? Perhaps he’s trying to get a rise out of you for entertainment purposes - he could be making fun of you or teasing you. Hard to tell without more context such as how you know each other and did you text and ask to meet for coffee, how did you get his number in the first place?

Has he ever acted normal and nice towards you?

JPup

What age are you guys? He sounds immature.

Are you forced to be around him at college or work? If you are, I'd just ask him to leave you alone the next time he's annoying you. You'll have to be direct about it if you want him to stop.

bvc456

We know each other from school and we had to work on something together. Yes, in the beginning he was rather nice. He flirted with my friend once though so I suppose he might be a player. At the time I thought he was playing some jealousy game but perhaps he just wants all girls to obsess over him or something.

Jim_Hodge

Are you teenagers? It's sounds like it. Some context is needed.

Hannibal_Smith

The guy I like didn't answer to my invitation for coffee

He's also mean to me pretty often. 

When we talk I feel a bit of a negative vibe from him.

You need to stop wondering what his deal is and sort out your own deal. You asked him out, he said no. He's mean to you and you get a negative vibe from him.

You're wasting your time trying to figure him out. You'll never get an answer and at the end of the day why would you want an answer, why would you be interested in someone who has been mean to you and gives you a negative vibe? Keep him as a friend at most.

ManOfMystery

Some people don't want a relationship but love the attention and interest from others. It's a waste of your time.

Although it can be hard to condition yourself to 'not like' someone like this, I find personally from experience that once I perceive them as someone selfish who's only using me as an ego boost, I naturally go off them anyway.

Tork

OP, if I could turn the clock back to when I was your age, I'd love to have been given this one piece of advice: Don't give melts like this fella the time of day. It's easier said than done, especially when you like someone and you start making excuses for their muppetry. This is anecdotal but nobody I know ever had a happy ever after with a messer or someone who was complicated or wasn't in touch with their emotions or wasn't ready to commit or a thousand other reasons. Save your heart for someone who's genuinely interested in you and won't bring all this drama with him.

Asking someone out takes courage and if this guy didn't want to go for that coffee, he should've been kinder to you. It's disappointing from your point of view but it's certainly no reason for him to be mean to you. Bad boys are tropes which should go no further than the pages of Mills & Boon books or trashy TV movies. In real life they're not the sort of guys to go for. This fella with his so-called jealousy games and flirting and acting mean sounds like a person who's a bit of a headwreck. Is there any way you can spend less time around him? He's someone who you should spend as little time around as possible, and treat as little more than an acquaintance.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Get their attention, act disinterested to make them wonder why they aren’t good enough, then watch them try harder. The acting mean is his way to pull you back into the game when he sees you withdrawing.

It’a a game (and a fun one for him) because it works really well when done properly.

Daisy78

It’s text book attention seeking nonsense, mind games used by someone who enjoys the ego boost. He is flirting to draw you in and imply he is interested in something more meaningful but withdrawing when he has gotten what he is looking for. I wouldn’t even bother confronting him about it, it will give off the impression that he has gotten to you and feed his ego even further. Limit your interaction with him as much as possible and if you do come into contact with him play it cool, he will eventually turn his attention to someone else when he isn’t getting what he wants.

DoneDealFan

Be very wary of people like this. He knows you like him and a decent guy would take a step back and stop being flirty and attention seeking, but he is getting a kick out of it. The only guy I know who acted like this was very similar - refused a kiss, and later on, my suggestion of a date, but kept flirting, acting really jealous when he saw me talking to another guy. Eventually, and I mean about 3 years on, he asked me out and I turned him down because by that time I'd worked out he was trouble. The very same night, he texted a mutual friend to ask if he could bring his girlfriend to their house party, obviously in revenge for me turning him down. Several years down the line, he's known as the biggest cheat in the town and is onto his second marriage.

This particular behaviour is called "monkey branching" - they set up a replacement while still with their current girlfriend/boyfriend, just in case they need you. There are probably a few of you whom he flirts with like this. The other scenario is that they pick a less attractive/accomplished/more vulnerable partner but flirt with someone they really fancy, but are too manipulative to ever properly date them.

Teapot30

Stay away from men like him, he's immature, cant communicate and enjoys getting a reaction from people, says more about him and the type of person he is. He doesnt havnt the empathy or compassion within him to notice or care about how his actions and behaviour might be effecting other people who have their own issues going on with themselves and their self esteem.

Dont talk to him, dont engage with him at all, just ignore him completely!

growleaves

Stringing you along just so he has options. (Some women do this too.)

bvc456

I know this guy from college and I've liked him a lot for over a year now. Initially he flirted with me, initiated physical contact a lot, went to the same events I went to and talked to me. He suggested that we start hanging out regularly. He seemed interested. I reciprocated flirting, I agreed to hanging out. I don't know if I was encouraging enough or not but he never asked about a day or time. I never asked either because I thought he was only joking. I ignored him a bit because I was shy. He once said to me "you never liked me". Umm.. He didn't even ask me out properly so what would he expect?

Finally I got pissed as I thought he was only playing with me. I started treating him like air. He noticed and stared at me a lot and also tried to talk to me but I still ignored him harshly due to anger. Then there was no contact between us. On my birthday he posted some pics on his social media with descriptions such as "never trust people", "people only regret after they lose someone" or "don't be afraid of taking chances". I immediately thought it was about me.

Months later I decided to ask him out. He said nothing to it but he wanted my attention again. We started talking again, he was texting me all the time regularly for over FOUR months, however he didn't go out with me when I asked numerous times. Mostly he was the one who was texting first. He was also avoiding me in real life but still texting all the time. He was acting really weird, for example he would run away when he saw me but then he denied it ever happened after I confronted him. Other times he was normal and he would approach me. He only suggested a group hangout but I told him I wanted only the two of us. Still nothing was happening, texting and texting but no date one on one.

I got pissed again and texted him to either be more decisive or waste another girl's time because my precious time is running out. He apologized for not organizing a meeting and told me to stop dramatizing and to stop being negative. Then later he started flirting with another girl in front of me (he was never flirting with her before, only after I sent that text about wasting time). He did it deliberately so that I could see it. He's now hanging out with her and her friends. I decided to apologize for texting that thing. He replied that I'm making stuff worse but that he's not mad. He laughed, told me to enjoy my life and not waste my precious time. Then I told him everything, why I ignored him a bit in the past etc. I explained everything. He didn't care. He said he never had and doesn't have negative emotions towards me. All of that after saying I was making things worse. He also called me crazy. He said I'm overthinking, making false assumptions. He added "you never know what some people are going through too".

Then we talked irl for the last time and he told me he's not interested in meeting as more than friends. He friendzoned me face to face. In general he changed a lot after holidays. He stopped making physical contact, he didn't seem as enthusiastic anymore, adding to that avoiding me irl on some days and talking to me on other days. Did he lose interest in me because he felt rejected or was he never interested and was just stringing me along from the start? I keep blaming myself and I'm finding it very difficult to move on because I really liked him like no other guy before.

rob316

No words. Ye both sound not ready for relationships

Princess Calla

A wall of text on a phone is impossible to read.

You'll probably get more replies if you edit it and add paragraphs.

That said , from what I did read.....the beginning of something shouldn't be that difficult.

You say you like him like no one before....but it sounds like it never got off the ground....so is you liking him based on anything real or what you imagine being with him would be like.

I honestly think you need to walk away. There seems to be a lot of mind games/drama or something going on....as I said it shouldn't be that difficult.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - OP, I have merged this with your previous thread on the same topic.

Hilda

YellowLead

It would help of you did an edited version. If you communicated like that to this guy no wonder things got confused.

But anyway, from what I can tell you massively overthink everything and gravitate towards drama.

It doesn’t sound like this guy was ever properly interested in you at all. He may have wanted a ride or maybe somebody to hang out with - but he didn’t like you romantically. That’s my take, but your post was rather rambling.

TheadoreT

It's doesn't sound like either of you have the maturity or social skills in real life yet to have a relationship.

You ignored him out if shyness initially and then he avoided you after you asked him out, despite him texting a lot. I'd say he's just massively inexperienced and afraid of the reality of the taking the next step.

It's a byproduct of the modern era where young people have bigger personas online than their actual real life ones, due to far too much time spent on phones. So you're having all this in depth back and forth online, but it's sounds super awkward in real life. Probably didn't help that covid took away a few of them formative socially maturing years for you.

So I'd say the main advice would be to work on your social skills a bit more. Maybe join a drama or improv comedy group to get yourself out of your shell more. You don't want to continue to miss out on life opportunities by being too shy to converse with people you like in real life. And you might in turn meet a guy there who isn't afraid to make a move on you too.

Hannibal_Smith

Then later he started flirting with another girl in front of me (he was never flirting with her before, only after I sent that text about wasting time). He did it deliberately so that I could see it. He's now hanging out with her and her friends. I decided to apologize for texting that thing.

He was always just playing with you. He's likely doing the same to this new girl.

If you really ask yourself honestly, you don't actually like this guy like no guy before. He's done nothing but torment you for a year. You're upset because his focus is now elsewhere. Read your post again and how many times you said about being pissed. That's not something to be sorry about losing.

You'll get passed this, but you need to delete block and ignore all contact you have. Don't text him again. It will pass.

sondagefaux

<<Mod Snip>>

Warning applied. Not acceptable in PI. Read the charter before posting in PI again.

Hilda

Big Bag of Chips

bvc456, it's not clear from your posts, were you ever actually with this fella? Did you ever actually go out together, and kiss?

If not then I'd say walk away now and move on because he is really not interested. To be honest, even if you did have a kiss one night it sounds like he is not interested now. There are other fellas out there who won't mess you around like this. You don't have to be friends with him. You don't have to meet up with him. You don't have to answer his texts. You don't have to even receive his texts. Block him. Everywhere you can.

This is "going on" over a year, without actually going anywhere. Keep your dignity and leave him behind. For as long as you are dragging this on looking for attention from him you are denying yourself the chance of meeting someone who will be interested in a relationship with you.

This fella might always be your one regret, the one who got away etc but if you think about it honestly, you know you're never going to live happily ever after with him. So you might as well move on from him now. Otherwise you'll just torture yourself, and him for another couple of years. He's going to end up going out with someone else. I suggest you don't stand on the sidelines watching and waiting.

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120747534#Comment_120747534

It's like I remember the initial "version" of him and I miss it. I miss the time when he was normal and it seemed like it was going to go somewhere. I keep asking myself why he changed so drastically. Yes, I was often upset because he wasn't making any steps towards a date, despite me asking him numerous times after the holiday break.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120747583#Comment_120747583

No, we were never together. We never went out on a date, we just flirted. He only suggested hanging out regularly but then it never happened. Then he said stuff like "you never liked me". And then I asked him out many times and he didn't seem to want to but he was texting me for months. After I sent the text about wasting time he completely stopped making any effort and friendzoned me. I don't think I tortured him though. I was communicating that he's not doing what I want and I got impatient at some point.

Big Bag of Chips

Move on. He's not interested, but he likes the fact that he knows you like him.

Stop giving him the satisfaction of your time and attention. He's enjoying have you chasing him but he has no intention of ever going out with you. You've given him plenty of chances. Time to leave him to it now.

Be prepared for when he realises you're backing off to try draw you in again. Somehow blame you etc. But you don't owe him your friendship. If being friends with him is too difficult for you you have a right to walk away. He will try to get your attention though. But it will be for his own benefit/entertainment. Not for the love of your company.

Hannibal_Smith

It's like I remember the initial "version" of him and I miss it. I miss the time when he was normal and it seemed like it was going to go somewhere. I keep asking myself why he changed so drastically. Yes, I was often upset because he wasn't making any steps towards a date, despite me asking him numerous times after the holiday break.

Don't do it to yourself. There is no initial version it was an act to reel you in. Nothing you did changed anything or lost him. It feels rotten now, but keep yourself busy and occupy yourself. It will pass.

PoisonIvyBelle

He just likes the attention. You need to have a proper think about what's happening here, you already asked him out and he said he's not interested. So listen to him. Ignore the other sh1te he's at. Why would you waste your time on someone who isn't interested and is mean to you? Why do you find that attractive? Like I said, have a think about it and consider why you're entertaining it so that you can learn something from it. But then stop doing so.

It's like an addiction. You're not into him as much as the anticipation and the little adrenalin kicks you get from your interactions, whether positive or not. Give it a few weeks of no contact and I bet you won't be thinking twice about him.