Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

saabsaab

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119874733#Comment_119874733

Just don't be there or if you have to be arrange that a few friends are there with you.

Big Bag of Chips

donedealfan, your husband is your problem. He always has been. And for as long as you are wishy washy about everything they will continue to do what they please.

Tell your husband you don't want to see them. You have no reason to see them. Unless he's going to be in the house there's no reason for them to call. You don't want a relationship with them. Tell him to tell his parents you will not be there to meet them. If you are working from home then lock the door and don't answer.

You write very lengthy posts about them, about what they have, have not. What they spend, where they go. What they do, say. How they spend their time. You seem as judgemental of them as they are of you. It is very possible to not have anything to do with them. Your husband has a history with them which means it might be difficult for him to pull back. You have no such history or loyalty. They live 4 hours away from you and you rarely see them. So just carry on your life without them in it.

Who cares if they talk about you? Who cares if they think x, y or z about you. Block their phone numbers and email addresses and don't engage with them. Let your husband have his relationship with them. If they do happen to visit at Christmas, be civil.. Or don't be if they aren't.

But you need to accept that you will never like these people. They will never like you. You will never sit around easy in each other's company. But, you also need to get your husband to understand that. He's your weak link.

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119874950#Comment_119874950

Too short notice and its a Tuesday, most people will be at work. I'm sure they know that. I really need to wfh tomorrow. This ie extremely disruptive.

They're troublemakers, you know? I don't know exactly what they're up to, but I do know that they always cause trouble.

Husband shouting at me again tonight about an unrelated issue...

Sardonicat

The next time he shouts at you, calmy walk away, get in your car and dissappear. Do that every time he shouts at you. Don't answer the door tomorrow, or do, just to tell them it's not convenient as you are working, then close the door. Just stop tolerating it, you don't have to.

Big Bag of Chips

You can't keep expecting your friends to be on standby to come to your house everytime you want an excuse to not be alone with your in-laws. You need to be an adult and deal with this situation, and your husband.

I know the idea behind inviting your friends but it's not a longterm solution. And as you say today is Tuesday, people aren't available in the middle of the day. You're not available in the middle of the day. So you're not available to entertain visitors. There doesn't have to be drama. You just tell your husband you're not available. He tells his parents. If they show up, they won't be invited in, because you're working. If he somehow arranges to be at home, he can see them and you can stay in your office working and completely ignore the fact that they are there.

I think counselling, individually for you and your husband would be a good thing. He has a lot of history to pick through. You also need to be given tools to deal with the situation you are in and to not let it affect you so much.

AyeGer

3 sides to every story. Your side their side and the the truth somewhere in between. We aren’t getting their side of even your husbands side.

How does your husband feel about his parents? After all he has invited them knowing they may stay a few days or even a week. How does he feel about your relationship with them?

If it really is all them then I sympathise with your position.

I have an in law who is a bit of a nightmare, I know if they were writing here they would be painting everyone but themselves as the problem.

Sorry if I have got this all wrong btw.

Hannibal_Smith

Is it possible today is about mending a few grievances before Christmas?

lawred2

It's quite clear that these people are emotional bullies and your husband had lived with these bullies all his life. This isn't Hollywood, you're not going to get the showdown scene between your husband and these toxic parents. The outbursts to you are likely a misplaced response to both guilt and shame. I very much doubt he's ignorant or blind to how they treat you. But they will have a strong hold over him. No amount of berating him or 'why don't you stand up for me like my husband should!?' type statements will reduce the hold on him. Just probably make him feel even smaller and more ashamed and guilty. I don't really know the way out for you both. But it's not via confrontation anyway. He likely needs some outside help from somebody trained to do so.

Big Bag of Chips

I also agree that your husband shouting is down to the extreme stress he's under and not being equipped with the tools to manage it. Which is why he needs to look into counselling. If he won't, then you need to, for yourself.

The line 'you can't change others, just yourself' is very apt in this situation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850749#Comment_119850749

Some of the stuff like getting a job and fiddling taxes sounded like good natured ribbing to me - OP if you reacted snottily to this instead of saying something like "sure I'm an expert at playing the system, I have CAB after me too but they haven't caught me yet" some Irish people would see this as you having zero sense of humour. Without context it's hard to tell.

Just saw the bossy thing. You could say to them the next time "I didn't realise you had taken over the mortgage on this house" if they try that again. And having your gay friends visit sounds like a great idea. The more camp the better.

Either way your husband is handling this terribly.

namloc1980

Sounds like the husband is the main issue here. The parents are a nasty symptom no doubt, but the husband it aggravating this situation. Telling you to leave your house while they visit is a huge red flag.

Deeec

OP you are beginning to sound as bad as them being honest - speaking about what they own, financial issues etc. I get why you dont want to spend Christmas ( its a special time of year ) with them and thats fair enough.

BUT

They are your husbands parents and whether you like it or not you do have to make some effort with them at other times of the year ( thats if you love and respect your husband). I dont get why you are so annoyed that they want to call to your house now - this could get you out of seeing them at Christmas. You are even annoyed that they dont want to stay at your house! It does seem like they cant do anything right in your eyes.

We all have relatives we dont like - Im sure you husband doesnt like all your family either. We have to put up with these awkward people for the sake of our other halves though.

I actually feel sorry for your husband because it does seem like you want to shut his parents out of your lives. How would you feel if your husband was like this towards your family?

I get that its a bit convenient for you today but surely you could fit in to see them for an hour and rise above their digs - You can always start giving digs back for a laugh. My advice is thread carefully if you want to block your husbands parents out completely - given what you have mentioned they are annoying ( as many inlaws are) but they are not toxic ( I actually think their jibes may be an attempt at humour) . Try to get on with them for your husbands sake.

Idle Passerby

There's a hint of loving the drama in your last post. It's clear there's no love lost between you and your in laws, Is there really any need to list everything that annoys you about them? Who cares how they spend their money, it's hardly any skin off your nose, less so if you have nothing to do with them.

As others have said, your husband is entitled to have whatever relationship he wants with them, that's his own prerogative. Draw your own line with what your willing to put up with. If they turn up at the house when your working tell them you are busy, your husband should have made that clear to them. His being a doormat doesn't mean you need to follow suit. Let them kick off if they want to, your not obliged to accommodate people who are not considerate of your working hours.

You keep saying you'll blow up at them if they come to your house. I get the impression you really want to do this. You are framing it as righteous anger. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but if you have things you want to say to them, do it. Don't wait til your backed into a corner and blow up. They can more easily dismiss an angry outburst than a calmly delivered missive on how you feel.

HeidiHeidi

You need to learn to say "No".

I would agree with other posters that your husband is your number one problem in this whole thing, but you're not helping yourself either.

Re tomorrow, or today, or whenever it is - if you're working from home, then you're not available to entertain visitors. If you were working in an office, would they call in and expect you to entertain them there?

Just say no - you're working, not free for visitors, no.

In the longer run, you either need to get your husband onside - or as above, learn to say "No".

And how and why they live their lives is frankly none of your business. Second guessing all of that is a waste of your mental energy. Until/if they come to you with a request for money (for example), is time enough to deal with all of that. Live your own life, decide your own boundaries, and come up with a way to implement them.

SAMTALK

OP you need to talk to your husband and set some boundaries. My in-laws made my life hell and my husband just let it happen. All I got is "sure what can I do ".

I took it for years until I realised one of us needed to grow a pair and it wasnt going to be him

Things were going bad for us and I decided that I would be better on my own than with someone who didnt respect me enough to have my back

DownByTheGarden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850455#Comment_119850455

Go away with the kids somewhere nice and warm for Christmas. Or to another relatives house. Let the husband and his parents hang out together and make their own dinner :)

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119875972#Comment_119875972

Given that the nonsense about me wanting to take over their holiday home (I've visited it once, 12 years ago) were at the end of a series of insulting remarks, only some of which I have detailed here, no. I've had enough. It was specific, concerned only me and was so utterly insulting its impossible to come back from. I've had years of being very cordial to them, biting my lip, not reacting, and all thats happened is that they have ramped it up. They clearly have no idea how intolerable it is for other people to be around that sort of behaviour. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Anyway, I have no exciting updates. They didn't turn up today at my house, I couldn't leave because I had to tend to our animals and the weather is bad, no sign of the inlaws. Perhaps some sense has prevailed. I'm just about to leave to teach my evening class, I've locked up everything and hopefully they won't be here when I get back or anything as it will be very late.

Its an utterly ridiculous situation that they are staying at a campsite instead of our home, but its entirely of their own making.

I'm being grey rock as much as possible and just not reacting/responding.

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119876131#Comment_119876131

Theres no humour in it, believe me. If you even correct them slightly forcibly, they shout at you and try to shut you down and act all strict. Its definitely not humourous. Or maybe they find it entertaining, but I don't think the average person would. If I replied in the way that you suggest, they would get annoyed. And they know perfectly well that my job requires me to be whiter than white, thats what my job is all about. They don't really make jokes anyway, they're not jokey sort of people. There could be no mistaking them not allowing us to use their holiday home for the reason given (and they have let other family members use it more recently). The reason was given in writing, by email and expressed as them having a great concern about what I might do.

pickarooney

FWIW as a direct descendant, non resident you'd be paying about 18% inheritance tax + notary fees for the property in France.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - OP, there's lots there to think over, from all of the replies that you have received.

In order to save this from becoming a blog, I'm going to close it off at this point.

Thanks to everyone who offered advice.

All the best.

Hilda