Help with alcohol
-
27-11-2022 11:05am#1
Comments
-
Is it normal to hate the person I am while sober? I am awkward, anxious, nervous, very irritable and just not a nice person (or maybe that's the drink talking)... my addiction tells me that I am a 'better' person when I drink, especially at that initial buzz part of the night where you're 2/3 drinks in and so 'happy' because you know you're not leaving the pub anytime soon.
My hands shake when I am sober, I feel uncomfortable and like everyone is staring at me. I don't know where to look, or where to put my hands and there is a feeling of misery in my stomach, I feel down, and sometimes it feels like I have lost the ability to have fun when not drinking. I remember when I used to be a really happy, fun, energetic person even when sober and now that kind of mood only comes by when I'm drunk or really hungover. It's funny how I say drinking makes me happy and is so fun yet nowadays when I drink I don't even have fun, I just sit there and drink my drink as quick as I can to chase that feeling, which sometimes never comes.
I hate my red flushed face, shaky hands, brittle fingernails and pounding headache from drink but I love / or THINK I love, the person I am under it's influence.
I started drinking around 13 too like alot of posts here from the comments, just the usual drinking on the weekend with your friends in the field but I I've been drinking heavily a couple of times a week since about 17 now. I'm only 24 by the way. It used to be a very much 'take it or leave it' type of thing and it never affected me negatively, I was just a normal young person drinking to have fun and dance with my friends for a few hours on the weekend, wake up and laugh about our hangover and order Dominos. Now it seems my relationship with alcohol has changed quite significantly, out of nowhere (or is it?)
It's now like a plaster, or a cream I use to make something better. I don't drink to have fun anymore, it's like I think I'm drinking to have fun but I'm drinking to feel okay and numb how much I hate and avoid my raw, sober self. As though by drinking I am running away from the person I am (tears welled up while admitting that)
Alcohol destroys all reasoning within my mind and makes me think completely irrational things are perfectly reasonable, such as cheating on my boyfriend, or accepting money for sex from an old man, or letting men feel me up as though I am an object, I suppose that's some extreme self esteem issues coming out to play. Maybe it's a vicious circle, and when I do those things I then continue on the downward spiral due to guilt. (I know I do these things because of alcohol because I need to be very drunk to do them)...
The confusing thing is I still love drinking, even though I should probably stop/curb it, because my whole life is just going infront of me and I am wasting away the weeks, months, by just going around in circles, binge drinking, hangover, binge drinking, hangover, I have little to no interest in anything else. The only thing that is fun for me is getting drunk, that is sad to say. We go out for fancy meals and all I'm interested in doing is necking as many glasses of wine as I can within 30 mins. By the time my bf is finished his first, I'm on my 3rd.
I have become extremely manipulative to facilitate this, example trying to trick him into drinking and staying out all night too. My boyfriend is negatively affected from my drinking too , he is very very level headed, stable, loyal, well-rounded and I don't know how he stays with my erratic, reckless self, my irrational thoughts have led me to saying/doing all sorts of things to him yet he still stays with me as he sees the problems deep inside, he tells me he stays with me because he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me and he knows I have a self destructive mindset and constantly ponder about doing things I'd most likely regret.
I suppose I am no stranger to alcohol addiction, it came to light a couple years ago that my mother had a major problem with alcohol, and she has struggled with it, and goes to meetings. I guess that's where I saw my drinking style (ie, drink as much as you can quickly, or bringing extra drink to the pub so you don't spend too much/run out....)
It's my first time in my life trying to monitor/assess my alcohol intake seriously, which indicates to me there is a problem. I know I should 'just stop while I'm ahead' but how can I do that if I can't stop ordering a drink anytime we go anywhere that sells alcohol? and once I have one, that's it, you can cancel any plans for the next 24 hours.
0 -
Join Date:Posts: 6959
Mod Note
Hi dartboardio, I've moved your post to its own thread, as it might get overlooked plus the other thread was quite old and the OP may not want it bumped at this stage.
HS
1 -
Great post OP.
You know exactly where you are and the problems alcohol causes in your life.
And you are young and have great support from your boyfriend.
This is not your creation nor should it be any guilt to you. Our society preaches and glorified alcohol. In fact parts of our economy depends on the economic churn of consumption and destruction caused by alcohol.
Unfortunately there is terrible collateral damage everywhere from it.
I've done incredibly reckless things because of alcohol.
Go and spend your money on an excellent mental health specialist instead of alcohol.
Sort out why you need to drink and look forward to not wasting any more of your money on alcohol. Save it for better things in life.
And be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time and space as you need.
2 -
OP, your post shows a lot of self awareness and the openness with which you share your problems indicates a willingness to deal with the issue. I’m not an expert on the subject, although I have had family members with alcohol problems and I know I drink more than I should at times.
You may already be taking steps to deal with the issue or the above post may be the first step on such a journey. The good news is that you are young enough to not have done too much damage to your long term health. The bad news is that you may find that you have no choice but to give up alcohol completely if you are not able to moderate your consumption.
However, self esteem issues seem to be driving your behaviour to a large extent and getting help with those issues may go a long way towards solving your drink problem. Yes, you’ve done some things that you regret while under the influence (as have very many people), but this doesn’t make you a bad person.
The next step is up to you. One option may be to go to one of the AA meetings with your mother, if your relationship with her would allow this. But you should also consider counselling and maybe talking to your GP might also help. If nothing else, your GP could give you a check up to assess the effect that your drinking has had on your health.
And, as the previous poster has said, be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time and space as you need.
1 -
Hello Dartbordio and thank you for your very brave and very honest sharing here in your struggles with alcohol.
You are aware that you have a serious problem with alcohol and that is a crucial initial step. Many people with drink problems never acknowledge their problem and end up dying prematurely in denial.
I myself am a recovering alcoholic, nearly 4 years sober now but for a decade between 2008 and 2018 I was gripped by worsening drinking triggered by workplace bullying that turned into full-blown alcohol dependency. It was really a worsening vicious circle of anxiety, restlessness, irritability, neediness and feeling the need for drink to take away these horrible feelings.
Of course, it was only a very temporary reprieve: the next morning I would be in a worse state than ever, the DTs, hands shaking, washing machine head etc - and then doing more drinking to ease this.... a vicious cycle of rinse and repeat and towards the end of my drinking (I was hospitalised several times) I actually got very little enjoyment out of it - that had gone years earlier.
From your post and your description of how your alcohol intake is negatively affecting you, it sounds like you are at the threshold between heavy, habitual drinking and alcoholism (or alcohol dependency) and you need to seek help for this as you simply cannot do it alone on will power.
I am in an AA big book group which transformed my life for the better after going through the 12 step programme with a sponsor in 2018/19 but that was after years of rehabs, false “fresh starts,” horrific relapses and totally isolating myself, stopping working and drinking basically 24/7 to the point of being very unwell physically and mentally - and suicidal.
There is also a great forum here on Boards called the Non-Drinkers Group where recovering alcoholics share their experiences, their recovery journey and their challenges in sobriety. You would get some really good advice there from those who have been through major struggles with the bottle.
Please do go to your GP and be completely honest with them as to the true extent of your drinking. You are still very young but full blown alcohol dependency can develop at any age and there are many members of my home AA group who had a serious drink problem almost from the word “go” in their teens. You may also need some time in a treatment facility but this must be followed up by regular recovery meetings whether it be AA, LifeRing (a secular alternative to AA), Smart Recovery etc. These supports are absolutely critical from my own experience.
I suggest you might buy a copy of the AA big book which explains the nature of the illness that is alcoholism - the physical allergy where you cannot stop at a couple of drinks and the mental obsession/craving that tricks you into thinking that one’s abnormal drinking is normal and justifying a million reasons for getting drunk. This is part of the first step in recovery - not just admitting you have a serious problem, but acknowledging and conceding to your innermost self that you are powerless over alcohol and will take action to remove drink from the equation in order to live a better, sober life.
Another good book to check out is This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.
I wish you well.
>>Mod Snip<<
Mod Note - Jupiter thank you very much for your reply.
I have removed your final line as this would be in breach of the PI charter.
https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058266238/reminder-pming-in-personal-issues#latest
Hilda
Post edited by JupiterKid on2 -
Advertisement
-
There are three suggestions I will make.
First off read a book called alcohol explained by wiliam Porter. He gives convincing evidence that no one should drink. That essentially its like smoking was.
Or read This naked mind by Annie Grace. Similar lines
There is a group secular AA-life ring. It's a different structure to AA and less heavy
Thirdly If all that fails there is the Sinclair method.
Good luck - it ain't your fault. Booze is a scam
0 -
I think the two books contradict each other.
No real evidence alcoholism is a disease though some are for a variety of reasons more prone to addiction.
Anyone drinks enough continuously they will get addicted.
The level and pace of addiction will vary for personal reasons
However AA is good in the sense its everywhere and provides fellowship
0
