Mind the gap

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119928315#Comment_119928315

Won't lie to you, I (M) have been in relationships with women twice my age before and while they lasted, they were great. The 9 year difference between this dude and yourself doesn't set off alarm bells in my head. Have always considered myself an old soul. What split the majority of those relationships was kid talk. Ironically, with I being the one to have my mind made up. *Insert Dick Byrne NOOOOOOOOO*

Sleepy

I had a fling with a fairly similar age gap a long time ago and I believe we both still look on the experience fondly... We live in different countries now but are still connected on social media, were invited to each others weddings etc...

The key to the success of the fling was, imho, that it only involved us. We never presented ourselves as a couple, just met up and enjoyed ourselves. We only met each other's friends very infrequently and even then, we were just introduced as "my friend".

The inital fling only lasted a couple of weeks before we established we didn't suit each other as long-term partners but the sexual side of things was absolute dynamite and led to a further two years or so of infrequent meet ups and weekend breaks together when neither of us were seeing anyone else.

So my advise would be to go for it, but go for it as friends with benefits rather than a relationship (assuming he's amenable to that). Don't ignore the "friends" part of that though, people always seem to forget that part in these situatins.

Jafin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119935128#Comment_119935128

Well we're both men, I'm gay, but I would think that hopefully the gender shouldn't really matter in these things (but maybe I'm being naive). There hasn't been any backlash from anyone. We've only been going out about 2.5 months so haven't met each others' parents yet, but I have told my mother about him and his age, I know he's told his mother about me but I don't know if he told her my age. There was no negative backlash from my mam due to the 6 year age gap. I doubt there'd be any from his parents either as I know there is a 6 year gap between them (his father is 6 years older than his mother).

If all you're looking for is something casual then none of that stuff should even matter since there's a very small chance you'd ever even have to interact with any of his family members. You're both consenting adults. As long as you're both aware of what you're getting into then the age gap shouldn't matter. Hell, I had a casual friends with benefits thing for a little while with a guy 15 years older than me and it didn't really matter.

JoChervil

OP, each situation is unique. Each connection between two people is unique. He might be mature enough to create a happy relationship. I wouldn't write it off and consider this only as a casual thing.

I couldn't care less what people think about me and about my choices. Please change this attitude. You won't achieve anything significant if you only stay in a comfort zone limited by acceptance of majority around. I definitely always wanted more and my own way. No wise person will judge you and I don't have time for silly people.

I think you need to be honest with yourself first. Do you really want only a casual thing from this situation? Sometimes people want more and kid themselves that they wanted less in case they fail. It let them save face in front of themselves. So you need to do some soul searching... But in the meantime enjoy! If putting a tag on it as "casual" feels safer for you, so keep it.

People only need statistics, if they want to feel more secure about their choices. But nothing in life is guaranteed. And as someone wise said: "love is an act of courage". We will never be sure about outcome. But it is always better to regret things we've done.

Yet only you know, if you are strong enough to risk.

ManOfMystery

There's no hard and fast rules here. He could be an incredibly mature guy for his age, or just prefer an older woman, and you might be very youthful at heart so (numbers aside) you kinda meet in the middle.

I didn't actively seek out older women, but was always very mature for my age so it kinda happened naturally - I found them easier to get on with and less drama than girls my own age. When I was 25 I was going out with a woman who was 38; although that relationship did end, it wasn't for any reasons to do with our ages.

My now-wife is 6 years older than me, never been a problem.

The only possible issue I see here is if it gets more serious and the biological clock is discussed, he may not be at the same life stage as you and not ready for it. But then again, he might be. Only one way to find out, when and if the time comes - discuss it.

If you enjoy being with him, and you're having fun, just continue. Who cares what people think? They're not the ones living your life. I know it's easy for us to say ignore the judgements, but unless you're doing something really toxic with your life, then no-one has to right to pass any kind of 'judgement' anyway - particularly not friends and family who should be happy that you're happy. We all make our own decisions and live our own lives as we see fit, so I would really urge you to think about your self-assertion and not being decisions based on the thoughts and whims of other people in your circle. They don't have to like it, doesn't mean they get a say in it.

PoisonIvyBelle

I had the same situation and went with it (25 and 34 at the time). It lasted nearly 2 years and was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Before him, I'd never have considered dating anyone younger, let alone 9 years! got on well with friends/fam on both sides and no Qs asked.

The only thing that may come up is the kid issue as mentioned above. In our case, I had to bring it up because he kept talking about having a family (plural) casually in conversation like it was a definite thing, whereas at almost 36 (at that point), I A. didn't think we were in a position yet to have kids, nor were we ready, and B. by the time we were in a position and both ready then having more than one was unlikely. Plus, I wasn't too fussed either way on kids so really didn't want more than one if I did go down that road. I was really saying that he couldn't turn around in 5 years saying he wanted to start a fam. So we had the convo, he said he didn't mind if it never happened, but then he actually thought about it and we talked again a few days later and decided it was best to end it. One thing to be aware of on that is make sure that YOU bring it up, because I don't think he'd have ever even thought about there being an issue with his timeline if I hadn't explained it.

But, that aside, I would do it again in a heartbeat and I think you absolutely give it a try. I've dated men up to 15 years older than me and I swear he was the most mature man I've dated.

Hannibal_Smith

As the OP hasn't been back since November I'll close this one off.

OP if you would like it reopened for further advice you can PM one of the mod team and we can reopen it for you.