Would you forget this happened and move on?

suzieq2002

hi, looking for some advice from strangers! A couple of years ago I was targetted by a colleague (Tracey) who took an immediate dislike to me. I figured it was due to my success in a department where this individual was well-liked and had specialised for over two 2 decades, and I was drawing a lot of attention and support there all of a sudden. I was once told by two department heads that my projects had saved 4 jobs in my department alone and built strong relationships with other agencies.

What followed was 18 months of negative remarks towards me and shouting at me for no apparent reason on several occassions. I kept my head down and tolerated it as I knew of the popularity Tracey had and I did not want to draw any attention from higher-ups as I felt it might bring more harm to my possibilities for a future in the company if I complain (I was on a short-term contract). Never once did I react to this behaviour and looking back figure this may have futhered Tracey's anger towards me as I was would respond in a friendly way as if she was not talking that way to me at all. Twice I tried to question if there was an issue but Tracey wondered what I was talking about and denied there was any issue between us.

This all went on for about 18 months, during which time I received a long term contract. I have got along fine with all of my other colleagues throughout and have been to several work events where we all had a great time.

I was pleased to discover that Tracey received a job with another company and would be leaving.

Everyone in the department (33 people) was told 3 pieces of information about Tracey's going away party:

1. What was on
2. When it was on
3. Don't tell me

it greatly hurt to know that not one colleague could have at least approached me and let me know that this was happening. Instead I discovered by walking past where the event was taking place. Looking back, I recall seeing several colleagues whispering in small groups during that week. As a 39-year-old I found this very humiliating. I felt very anxious at work in the weeks that followed but then covid came along and i was working from home.

I have continued my success in the department (the salary is great, I would not dream of leaving) and while I get along fine with all of my colleagues I find it difficult to forget what they did. I never directly addressed this with anyone of them but made it clear to a few that I was aware of what happened. I have been avoiding work events since as I do not feel that anyone there deserves a minute of my outside-of-work time.

Our Christmas dinner event is coming up (the first formal event since Covid) and several people have told me they really hope I can go.

What is the best way forward from all of this, or to bring closure to it? I hope I do not appear salty but as mentioned above the entire experience really hurt.

TheadoreT

Hi Suzi, sorry that happened, I think that would hurt anyone and sounds very unprofessional from your colleagues.

I think it's just a fact of life that someone ambitious and successful can make people a little resentful as it may highlight their own shortcomings. That's their problem, not yours. You'll always encounter these people the more you progress in your career, that's unavoidable.

As for closure I guess you have that with her leaving. I'd continue to attend events as normal and not bother bringing it up again. I'd just detach your emotion a little from the idea of work friends and see them more as acquaintances. I know most of my long lasting friendships have come outside of work and don't seek that sort of relationship from colleagues. Hopefully you have that outside of work too and aren't reliant on these people.

Congrats on your success so far.

looksee

If no-one talked to you about this event, how did you know they had been told not to tell you about it? Evidently you were not told about it but it seems unlikely that an entire department would co-operate with deliberately engaging with something like that? Is it just possible that Tracy asked people not to say anything as she wanted to specifically invite you herself. Then when you didn't turn up she could claim you were sulking? Quite possibly that did not happen but you see how there could be other options.

I also had the experience of another person being totally irrational and basically lying to create a sob story which she took to the ultimate boss over everyone's heads. I was asked to apologise for something I did not have anything to do with, I refused, her immediate boss got into trouble for not managing the situation, when it was all a tissue of lies concocted to suit herself. It was relevant that she was young and cute and cried prettily, her boss and I were older women with less of a cute quotient.

She is gone, people are friendly. For your own sake put it behind you and deal with it. You won't entirely forget it but get on with your life, don't give her brain-space.

Jim_Hodge

Sound like it's fine now she's gone. Forget about it, move on and enjoy the job and the work colleagues you have now.

Jequ0n

I find it strange that a a whole department (not sure what numbers you are talking about here) would willingly go along with this type of nonsense to pander to one individual. Is there any chance that you have irritated other people and not just Tracey? If a whole group dislikes you there might be a reason for it.

Having said that you can either move on from this or hold a grudge, which will make your work life exhausting in the long run.

sniperman

if it were me,id give middle finger to the lot,life is too short to be worried about a holes

Tork

OP, you're reading a bit too much into this. In most workplaces, people avoid getting involved in personal conflicts if they can at all. I think you'll find that just about everyone in your department knew exactly what was going on but turned a blind eye. They'll have danced around the two of you and pretended everything was normal. That's not to say that they approved of what Tracey was doing but it was better not to rock the boat. It's possible that Tracey made it known that she didn't want you at her going away party. Or that everyone knew exactly what was going on and didn't want to complicate a delicate situation by having you come. That is, if you'd have gone in the first place. I think most people in your position would be washing their hair that night.

I think you should openly address the secrecy around the party next time the opportunity presents itself. It'd lance the boil for you. Say straight out that you're disappointed they felt that they had to sneak around behind your back. As far as I'm concerned, everybody in your department who planned that party should know you know. It was a **** thing to do but you still have to work there. You know now that your colleagues are not your friends but you should still go along to social occasions anyway.

JoChervil

It's hard to believe 33 people were unanimous. So it must have been a reason for it. You were already few years working there. They all had a chance to make their independent opinion about you. Do you have a casual chats with others at work? If no, so how could they have told you? And why would they have to approach you to let you know? It was a job of a person giving this party. She might have sent an invitation email to chosen people. And that's it.

It was a social gathering and they simply chose her over you. She was longer working there, was popular, so for me it was a natural gathering. At the end we don't know the reason, why she left. If you were this reason, so you know the answer.

If you like a job and salary, just try to smooth your dealings with your colleagues. They all won't go. Use all these gatherings to gain their sympathy. Keeping grudge won't help.

Mystery Egg

People like to think they are the exception who will do the right thing, but in my experience the vast, vast majority of Irish adults are spineless when it comes to a genuinely difficult situation, especially in work, and you've been hurt with the sharp end of that stick. Nobody wants to speak out when there's injustice or bullying behaviour (including exclusion).

I would expect absolutely nothing of your colleagues, and keep things just professional. Look outside of work for friendship and fun with people who will be loyal to you.

Sometimes bullies, maybe like Tracey, are “popular” because everyone is afraid to get on the wrong side of them, and just takes the easy way out by apparently licking up to them. I’ve seen that happen, especially where the person has a more lively & vocal type of personality.

I was in the situation where I was hated by my boss for being efficient enough to show her up, it ended up with my having an stress-related heart attack at work & retiring early.

Now that she is history in the company and you are doing well, although feeling bitter because your colleagues seemed to “cooperate” with her sh1tty exclusion of you, I would take the view they were under some force of coercion, or even mild Stockholm Syndrome, and would put it behind. I’m sure there are at least a few who did certainly not really want to go along with her apparent request to exclude you, but we’re just trying to avoid stressing themselves about it. You should now try and avoid stressing yourself over the matter, and turn s new page.

StevenToast

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119952388#Comment_119952388

This is the correct answer.

Big Bag of Chips

If it was Tracey's going away do, and she didn't want you there, it wasn't up to anyone else to invite you. I assume it wasn't an official work do. Paid for by the company. It was a few people going out for drinks because a colleague was leaving. A colleague who didn't like you. After all that went on between you and how she treated you it would be hypocritical of her to invite you along to her night out. You were also glad when you found out she was leaving so it would have been hypocritical of you to go along to the going away do.

She's gone now. It was 3 years ago. Everyone else has moved on. You have other colleagues who you get along with, probably people who didn't even work there at the time. Work is organising a Christmas night out to thank you all for your work all year.

Go.

Fakediamond

I’d say plenty of them didn’t agree with how it was done but it wasn’t their place to say anything if sworn to secrecy. I wonder how many of them actually attended? I’d move on now and enjoy your work and colleagues and count your blessings that she’s gone!

Bricriu

Welcome to the human race. Only a tiny minority have any sort of ethical system or any form of loyalty to anything or anybody worthwhile.

witchgirl26

OP honestly I think it's a little unfair to hold this against your colleagues now. Look we all have people in work & in life we don't get on with but have to play pretend for work which is what you did with Tracey. From the sounds of it, the leaving do was in the office during the day? Should someone have said something to you - probably but maybe Tracey didn't want you there. It was her do & maybe she didn't want to have any negative feelings around it. She could have asked for you not to be included or it could have been that the others thought it was best not to if they were aware of the difficulties between both of you. Either way, it's been a while & I wouldn't be holding on to it (for your own sake) or holding it against people who were probably just trying to keep the peace a little bit. It's been a couple of years now (almost 3) so for your own sake, leave it go.

suzieq2002

Thanks for replies. To answer some questions i was told by people in the know from other departments exactly what happened. 4 colleagues from my department organised the event five days prior (not Tracey who was told on the day: it took place that night in a bar / casual). True I would not have wanted to attend. What hurt was the sneaking around behind my back and ultimately under my nose. 17 people attended, 6 of who I would have considered to be on very friendly terms with (regular chats at work, occasional funny text exchange, drinks now and again).

I am under no illusion of the circumstantial nature of work friendships and would not confuse them with my core group of friends. That said I think most people would say they have at least 1 or 2 they work with who they know would have their back if anything remotely similar took place. I'd like to think kids wouldn't go on this way. Good advice on here, i will attend the formal dinner of the Xmas event before the post-drinks informal night out part, when i plan on returning home to my dog straight afterwards who has a better understanding of what basic loyalty means.

I might feel differently if at least one person had approached me either before or after all of this took place, they still could, but not one has had the decency to do so.

Big Bag of Chips

I might feel differently if at least one person had approached me either before or after all of this took place, they still could, but not one has had the decency to do so.

Nobody else even remembers the incident! It was 3 years ago. I really don't know why you think any of your colleagues "still could" approach you about it now. It's long forgotten in their minds. You admit you wouldn't have even gone to the event, so still being sore about it 3 years later seems like a bit of overkill. You seem determined to be offended by it.

Someone you didn't like left the job. Your colleagues knew you didn't like each other so decided the best option was to not put either of you in the awkward position of inviting you and having you pretend to each other. Then once she was left there was no need to bring it/her up with you again.

You ask would you forget this happened and move on? The answer is, after 3 years, yes.

Tork

Even though I suggested earlier that you could mention it to someone, it isn't something I feel strongly about. As people have said, it has been 3 years since this happened. Memories of Tracey and her party have long since faded. My logic for saying it to somebody is that they might open up and give you an insight into what was going on at the time. What's worth remembering here is that the secrecy was not done out of spite and it was nothing personal. Your colleagues found themselves in an awkward position because of the animosity between the two of you. They had to make absolutely sure that you didn't go to the party and they simply chose the least troublesome path - secrecy. It was either that or have somebody take you aside and ask you not to go. Would you have liked to have been on the other end of that conversation? Something tells me you'd be no happier with that approach and you'd think too much about the lead-up to that.

You might be familiar with the quote "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". I think it very much applies to your situation. Your bitterness and anger over what happened a long time ago have damaged your working relationships. This is still a very live issue in your mind but it's barely a footnote in everyone else's. Tracey's gone and she's probably barely in contact with most of them now. From that perspective, you should let this go. By all means, go home to your dog if you feel that's what you want to do, but don't think for one moment that anybody else will notice or care.

Deeec

Tracey didn't like you and didn't want you at her leaving party. I don't believe all your workmates decided to exclude you - Tracey probably told them she didn't want you there. I find it hard to believe she was only told about her leaving party on the day it happened - whoever told you that is talking nonsense. How did they know she would be able to attend if she didn't know?

Everyone else likes you and wants you to go to the Christmas party. Go and enjoy yourself.

Celebrate that Tracey is out of your life! Lady luck smiled on you the day she handed in her notice. It sounds like you now have a good work life and colleagues who think highly of you.

AyeGer

Most people don't want to get involved in work conflicts, they want to get through their day without any drama and certainly don't want enemies. It doesn't necessarily mean they have taken sides. I would be friendly with people in work who i know don't get on with each other. I'm not going to take sides though.

Bullying would be a different matter, i hate bullies and want nothing to do with them.

Ask yourself the question would it make your work environment better if you forgive the rest of your collogues now Tracey is gone. If it does then just try and move on. You don't have to forget what happened. But holding grudges generally hurts your more than anyone else.

road_high

I’d say it wasn’t anymore than Tracey being a bitch and not inviting you- sad petty behaviour but rejoice in the fact that this individual is now gone from your workplace and your company. I’d also be grateful not to be invited to the leaving do. There’s so much more to be grateful for here than imagining stuff about people you get along fine with

JoChervil

OP, I really don't get your problem. You keep a grudge towards few people about something what happened 3 years ago. By your own admission you never addressed it directly. It eats you, yet you never did anything decent about it (remarks about you been aware, are not decent enough in my book, I consider them passive-agressive). And you expect others to do something about it. Why?

And I find it weird that you so trust your source of this gossip and never wanted to get to the bottom of it, if it is such a problem for you. What if this list of your three points is simply not true? What if some of your colleagues were not even aware you weren't invited?

Do you think it's fair towards your colleagues to pass such judgement on them not really knowing what has happened and if they knew about it all. Everyone deserves to hear at least your truth to be able to defend themselves before being judged by you. Yet you didn't give them such a chance.

You say so much about loyalty. Yet you preferred to discuss this with people from other departments instead with those directly involved.

I have been avoiding work events since as I do not feel that anyone there deserves a minute of my outside-of-work time.

And this above attitude doesn't help either....

Flinty997

For me the OP did the right thing, no fuss, just do the work but keep social life separate.

Work socials are necessary if you're networking or playing office politics. They are have a role to play in team building. But where colleagues are obviously only fair weather friends then work socials are pointless waste of time.

TheadoreT

I find you counting the number of people who went a little alarming. Had you said "20 odd attended" it would have been grand but 17 gives me the mental image of you sitting there with a little black book "you're all going on my hate list". It takes a bit of effort to arrive at the exact number.

You also gave the the impression that everyone went bar you in the opening post when in fact it was only half the office that attended which feels far less "them againat you". You said you wouldn't have gone anyway so people probably knew that and didn't bother asking you.

There's a slightly obsessional tone creeping in here. That attribute may help you with certain aspects of work but not everyone is going to like that personality trait in a colleague/friend. So maybe work on keeping that channelled in the more positive areas.

bitofabind

Your colleagues were between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to put myself in their shoes: a colleague is leaving, said colleague is probably "life and soul of the party" but a bit of a weapon AKA territorial, shouts at people, office-gossipy type. But she's there long enough to be a part of the furniture and as per office etiquette we have to mark her departure. Said colleague with her drama-making ways would throw a wobbler if we invited one of her arch enemies, so the decision is: 1. invite her and invite drama, 2. tell arch enemy and invite drama or 3. say nothing and proceed with plans.

Most of us don't like drama. We go for the path of least resistance and that's what seems to have happened here. If I was in your shoes OP, I can imagine feeling hurt and let down. I'd probably trust my colleagues less from that point onwards. But then just get on with it, manage my expectations of them and maybe take them off my Christmas card list while cracking on with work. It might make me less inclined to socialise with them, but that's kind of where I'm at anyway, as a 30-something woman with my own life, family and friends. Colleagues are colleagues. They come and go, it's nice to have some that you get along with, but most of them won't be life long friendships.

Three years later, you should've come to these conclusions yourself and settled into some sense of perspective about it. The positive lesson in this: feeling disrespected by someone / a group of people tells you that they are not important in your life. That you should have boundaries with them and not expect much from them. You can feel this way about someone, be in a colleague, family member, someone in your social circle, while staying active in that environment. You just decide that they don't have an important role in your life and minimise your expectations and reaction to them accordingly.

Kurooi

Ignore and let go. If it's her leaving party, you are not the star of it. Maybe she cut you out maybe someone else suggested it, and if your absence makes her happier makes the leaving smoother then that's their business. The other coworkers didn't necessarily aim to alienate you. She worked there for 2 decades, you should understand that comes with some understanding and respect, even if she's not the best of people

If you like the job, got good prospects - don't skip events and don't toss drama. Get on with people , forgive and forget. In a few months this will be a stupid blimp, in a few years nobody will even remember her. Same goes for every other person, there will be people you don't like , they will come and go. There is no sense in getting angry with everyone over a spat.

Don't be cocky with your position either, opportunities and promotions are largely decided in chit chat conversations. You've been favored so far, but see how far you get once someone senior even as little as pouts at your name being called out. A bad impression can set you back years career wise.

Big Bag of Chips

Agreed, there's no way a night out that 17 people were available to attend was arranged without the knowledge of the guest of honour. You are hearing Chinese whispers from people who weren't directly involved in organising the night. I'd also be suspicious of "people in the know from other departments who told you exactly what happened" because they sound like sht stirrers.

2 people didn't get on. A night was organised for the leaving do of one of these people who was working there over 20 years. Half the department went out. (sounds about right proportionally) The other half didn't bother/want to/weren't available.

It's time for you to move on, because approximately nobody is thinking about this anymore. And haven't thought about since the night in question.

Flinty997

Hardly Chinese whispers if you see them out and weren't invited? Not that I would expect to be invited to the leaving do of someone who didn't like me.

I've yet to a work place yet that doesn't have little groups that exclude other people. It's office politics.

witchgirl26

OP I'm struggling to understand why you think they weren't loyal to you or exactly what the big deal is?

My initial impression from what you said was that the party took place in the office environment which would have been one thing but if it was an after work drinks thing in a bar than realistically it has nothing official to do with work. What would you have gotten out of being invited? Would you have gone? You didn't like Tracey so why would you have spent after work time at a party for her? Or why would you have wanted to be invited if you didn't like her? I really don't understand that.

Look the colleagues in question were trying to keep the peace by not inviting you to an after work thing that involved the person that you don't get on with. It wasn't something nefarious that means they aren't loyal to you or whatever that comment was about. They just didn't want to deal with the drama from either you or Tracey on the night & just have a bit of a laugh. Let it go. It's been 3 years.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119966278#Comment_119966278

Chinese whispers in the sense that OP has given specifics that "people in the know" who knew "exactly" what happened told her that 33 people in the department were all sworn to secrecy to not include her. That Tracey knew nothing about it until the day (highly unlikely).

I think it is time to let this go. If you would like to socialise with your work colleagues outside of work, do. If you're not too bothered, don't. The reality is nobody is thinking about it as much as you are. If you show up they'll know you're there and you'll all have a few drinks and a laugh. If you don't, it won't matter. Except you might miss out on a bit of craic.

Flinty997

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119966792#Comment_119966792

Generally when we have a (surprise) gathering for someone leaving they are not told, other than to doll up. At this point its so expected that some people have avoided coming in their last week to avoid getting caught in such things. Not everyone leaves happy so thats understandable.

To get a bunch of people together for a gathering and not have any of them accidently tell the OP, requires they be told not to do that. If it was a reasonably inclusive group they'd have the manners to tell people it was limited circle to avoid any awkwardness. But realistically offices always have group which exclude others.