online dating

I reply and send hi how are you messages. I mean what else do you say to people you don’t know. I have only four pictures up. Is more really needed? You can see what I look like and some interests. What more do lads want?

raclle · 18-04-2023 7:54am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490098#Comment_120490098

They don't want crazy cat ladies :p

I generally agree with you but that's considered the wrong approach. Going by this thread they want to see you engage more by commenting on something specific on their profile or pics to get a conversation started. Hasn't always worked for me and I think it all depends on the other person as you don't know them so don't know what reaction you're going to get. A simple hi how are you message may work for some but not for others. This is the conundrum.

YellowLead · 18-04-2023 9:27am

I went back to look at some openers there - found one ‘I line skinny girls I was told’ (yes with the typo). Of course I didn’t even dignify it with a reply.

Hi how are you isn’t the worst. Simply ‘hey’ is dreadful. But if you lengthen out the hi how are you to include their name and something about their day - Hi Alison, how are you - I hope you enjoyed the weather his weekend. Better still of course if you can mention something from their profile - I see you like tennis, me too I play every Wednesday. Or whatever. Throwing in a bit of a sense of humour even better still, even if it’s responding to something funny on their profile.

But yeah, as R said some people are fine with a how are you. I guess it’s often worth saying a bit more because there’s nothing to lose really. If they don’t like your conversation style it’s not going anywhere anyway.

Goodigal · 18-04-2023 9:50am

Always have to open the chat with Bumble so I would never just say hi or hey! I would always say something about one of their pics, or something they have said to indicate I actually had a look at their profile. But I must admit to hating poor spelling and grammar and it's a slog to chat with someone that's annoying me!!

YellowLead · 18-04-2023 10:03am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490563#Comment_120490563

Me too. I think a lot of people do prefer a bit of an effort as they often call out how much they liked my opening message and chat. Bad grammar and spelling is an immediate no - bar autocorrect sneakily messing the odd word up, though it’s generally apparent when it’s autocorrect.

If a chat starts bad and the conversation has been minimal I tend to just ignore and usually the person gets the hint. Am I better off just unmatching or saying something like sorry I don’t think we are compatible? I think I mentioned it before but I did that once - some guy insisted on knowing why so I mentioned the grammar and spelling and he got so angry, said he had a PhD etc. As if I could give a crap. It might have been rude to point it out but he was the one who begged to know why - there was probably only 5 or 6 messages each exchanged.

raclle · 18-04-2023 10:41am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490606#Comment_120490606

I don't understand people reacting negatively to feedback especially when they asked for it. I always saw it as a positive but some must take it as a personal attack...strange

YellowLead · 18-04-2023 10:44am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490733#Comment_120490733

I know right, like why ask otherwise? Ego I suppose.

raclle · 18-04-2023 11:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490747#Comment_120490747

As we mentioned before feedback is a good idea and will only help going forward. Might help others re-evaluate themselves.

Mister Vain · 18-04-2023 1:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120489817#Comment_120489817

That would be me, less than a year actually. I probably am a bit difficult/weird, I don't know. Bipolar is a bit of a leap though.

Pwindedd · 18-04-2023 1:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490606#Comment_120490606

Whilst the spelling and grammar can be a bit off putting I do try and give people the benefit of the doubt, much as it pains me 😬.

My last boyfriend was a pretty poor texter (lots of u's and not much in the way of punctuation) but I could understand the message he was trying to get across. He turned out to be very articulate in speech and we did a lot of phone and video calling in the initial stages. I think he might have been the exception to the rule looking back though. I think you can usually tell the difference though between bad at texting and being generally bad at English overall.

I'll usually try and let the conversation peter out on it's own if i'm not feeling it, then unmatch a day or two after. The only time I actually say anything is if they ask you out and you don't want to go. Then it's a polite "i'm not really feeling this, but I wish you the best of luck" message.

But anything inappropriate or that i'm not comfortable with, then it's an immediate unmatch, you don't need to give an excuse or reason in those instances.

LambshankRedemption · 18-04-2023 1:28pm

I'd just like to make a small observation. Let me preface this by saying, all people referred to in this post, myself included employed regular bathing and washing.

Dr Robert Winston did an excellent series in the 90s I think about the human body and one epsiode focussed on attraction. From his studies he discovered that a large part of attraction is to do with smell.

My longest relationship was with a woman I met in work. I'm not shallow, but looks-wise I have my preferences. That woman did not tick any of my boxes but I was crazy about her and we spent 14 years together. Looking back on our time together, I dont ever remember her spelling 'bad'.

Since that relationship ended i have dated a few people, all met from online dating. One for about 6 months, and one for about 4 months, though she did move in for a time also.

The first one did not tick my boxes physically, 'on paper' as it were. By this I mean, if I were to describe my ideal physical attributes, she wouldn't match up, but something abut her made her very attractive to me and again, I never remember her smelling 'bad'.

The second one, I also met online and ticked all my (arguably impossible) ideals from a purely physical point of view. We went on holiday for a week together and she then moved in for a while. When we were together regularly, she started to insist I use deoderant. I don't normally wear it and very rarely wear cologne. Ultimately the end of that relationship was because she was very difficult to live with and but when looking back on that turbulent time, it occurred to me, never before had smell entered my other relationships, and I wondered maybe we, but she in particular, was not attracted by my smell. Physically, I ticked her boxes, she ticked mine, but she preferred the smell of Lynx Africa to my normal scent. In the end, her personality was what put me off.

Online dating gives you a glimpse of the other person. Not how they smell, and not their personality. Arguably, the two most important factors of a partner.

Anyway, just a thought I would share.

Oscar_Madison · 18-04-2023 1:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491395#Comment_120491395

Lynx Africa? Is it any wonder the relationship didn’t work out 😂

LambshankRedemption · 18-04-2023 1:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491428#Comment_120491428

When I was writing that post i couldn't think of what deoderant I was using and Lynx Africa was the only one I could remember from my youth. I just looked, and it actually was Nivea for Men. But er, point taken.

Actually, I prefer how Africa smells.

YellowLead · 18-04-2023 1:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491395#Comment_120491395

You can get a good hint of personality from the chats - but of course not the smell, the voice (unless it’s hinge), the mannerisms, the way they carry themselves. They’ve done loads of studies on the scent thing and it’s well documented- that’s why you might think you fancy somebody but you never really know until you meet.

YellowLead · 18-04-2023 1:52pm

Wait, is your point that we should all not be washing regularly?! I’m not on board with that.

RubyGlee · 18-04-2023 2:06pm

The smell things make sense. Joop makes me sick.

I don’t think my grammar in messages would be the best I even have a little test deliberately always using there and your…if I get a correction I know that person is not my type of person. I have to think about all that for work my personal communications will not get that much thought 😂 effort 😢

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