At a complete loss - don't know what to do

At a complete loss

Hi all

As the title and my username says, I'm having a bit of a hard time.

For some background, and I hope this doesn't immediately turn everybody off me, I'm an alcoholic, who got into recovery, but has relapsed again. It was a very long and hard road to quit for me - I won't go into the details, unless anybody is particularly interested, but for some reason I started drinking at around 15, and didn't really stop until I was 38. I had six very good months of sobriety, but I relapsed three weeks ago.

I wanted to say that first, because this is the worst of my problems, but my life has gone a bit pear shaped even otherwise. I'm living abroad because of a relationship, which I recently left. It was an abusive relationship, and really knocked the heck out of my confidence. I relapsed after I moved out, and have been drinking ever since. I am trying to stop again every day, but not succeeding.

I have a good job, but I hate it. It can be a bit stressful, but manageable, but it is super technical, and I'm not the most technical person. I love the field, but I can't keep up with it. I thought that would change when I got sober, but it actually didn't. I'm pretty sure that I managed to do some real damage to myself over the course of 20 years of drinking, as I was pretty smart when I was younger, but now I struggle to retain things, and the confidence getting a knocking is a real issue.

I know that nobody here can tell me exactly what to do, but I'm so, so tired and fed up with all of this. I am in AA, and I did a lot of service during my six months, but - and I say this with the best will in the world - they cannot help you if you cannot quit. I spent just under 10k on a rehab to get me off it the last time, and I don't have that money to do it again.

I see from writing this out as well that the drinking is really the first and most important cause of my misery, but maybe writing this out and posting will help a bit. I'm pretty down - no home, no partner, no children, no pets, no confidence, and I'm just struggling to put one foot in front of the other these days. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just losing my mind entirely, as I am struggling with talking to people, or going outside. I think most people with issues like this would say the same, but I did not think that it would get so bad for me. It's just a really tough time. :(

893bet

1) You don’t need 10k to get sober again. You got sober once. And can do it again. But you hold that key.

2) Don’t be too hard on yourself.

greasepalm

Opening up is a start and take one day at a time.

All drink does is make you forget and deeper in debt

As said you did it once now try and do it again and would you try no alcohol drinks instead.

Wishing you all the best in this festive time of the year and if you drink and drive worse things might happen

Physeter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058276813/at-a-complete-loss-dont-know-what-to-do

I went through a tough period myself over the pandemic with some similar circumstances. I ended up in some sort of depressed state; tunnel-vision and a completely fractured short-term memory. I became a gormless mess. Completely humiliated and miserable.

I'd imagine this will be suggested at you constantly as you try and steady yourself but exercise truly was my saving grace.

Find yourself a semi-private gym in the area. Something that is class-orientated where a personal trainer hangs about. Don't be afraid to explain your circumstances to the personal trainer. If you can get a friend to join you or you make a gym buddy, even better. After that, just show up. First - every other day and as you acclimate, move towards daily. Forget about physical outcome and focus on consistency and how it makes you feel mentally.

I cycled any craving for alcohol or bad food out of my system just by how my body was craving nutrients. You don't need to be in your head about willpower when your body starts making demands of you. The bad habits and symptoms will fade away quick and you will feel incredible. Trust me on that.

Best of luck - now go and have yourself a Rocky montage.

TheadoreT

Without stating the obvious can you just not go home for a while to be close to family/old friends? Doesn't sound like there's much left bar bad/triggering memories where you are right now.

Jarhead_Tendler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058276813/at-a-complete-loss-dont-know-what-to-do

What is popping out at me straight away is that you want and are actively trying to stop drinking. Do one thing at a time. Park your worries about your job for now. Your head is racing and sometimes when we try and make too many changes we end up changing nothing. Number 1 for you now is to get your drinking under control. You can and will do this because you want to do it. I wish you the best of luck.

Have you attended counseling/therapy before? It might be something to consider. There could be emotional triggers that lead you to drinking.

Just a suggestion. I wish you all the best. Christmas is a tough time when you feel unwell.

At a complete loss

Thank you all very much for your replies. I wasn't sure of what kind of reaction I might get, but I really appreciated reading your messages. I was very overwhelmed when I wrote the first post, and I'm calming down a bit now.

I'm finished with work for the year. And I know that I have to stop drinking - it's doing nothing for me at all. I'm way past the point where drinking is relaxing - it's just a compulsion or a self destructive behaviour. It's true that I have a lot on my mind, but first things first is quitting drinking again, because there is a lot more hope when I'm sober.

Thanks again - this really did help me out. I'd like to post again tomorrow some time in the afternoon and say that I made it that far.

GreeBo

OP, fair play for being open and honest.

You've done it before so can do it again, nothing wrong with falling, as long as you get back up.

Idle Passerby

Reading your post, what sticks out for me is that you've just taken a major step towards a more positive life by leaving a bad relationship. That's a huge first step so, well done! Everyone feels vulnerable after a break up so I can understand why you are feeling shakey and relapsed. What you should focus on now is that you got sober before, you know you can do it, you know how much better you'll feel once you have done it and this time you will be sober and not stuck in a bad relationship. Win win! You can turn your sights towards your job once you've got a handle on getting rid of the booze. Things will likely be clearer then for making plans for the next steps. Best of luck!

AllForIt

If you have a job in tech or whatever and despite the fact you hate it the fact you can hold down this job despite your personal issues is a major positive, in other words you could be in a much worse state and dare I say doing much worse things that drinking too much alcohol. When you drink you can get over emotional and think things are much worse than they actually are, so don't fall into that.

If you can give up for 6 month's you can do it again. Instead of feeling that you failed realize you only had a relapse and you have to go through the process of giving up again, but this time you know how to do it because you already did it, and it should be somewhat easier the next time.

Start the process again at a time you feel up for it, and when you're sober for some time concentrate on doing something new, like getting a new job/career. Chin up.

HildaOgdenx

OP, I don't have much to add to what has been said by others. It sounds like you're having a very tough time all around.

If it's feasible, maybe consider moving back home. It might help to leave some bad memories behind, and you might have a better support network. I know you have been through the process already but there was an AMA a few years ago by someone who had been to rehab, that I am linking here in case it might be helpful.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058018574/now-yere-talking-to-someone-who-has-been-through-rehab

There's a Non Drinkers forum here, which might also be helpful to you.

https://www.boards.ie/categories/non-drinkers-group

One step at a time. Mind yourself.

tayto lover

OP I feel that you need the proper kind of company too. Join a hillwalking club, cycling club or anything that will get you out into the open away from alcohol and which will give you a healthy way of living. Get your mind straight and think positively.

AyeGer

What about hobbies OP is there anything that can fill your time that you might enjoy alongside sticking with AA. You know yourself there is no future with alcohol for you. It will just lead to ever greater self destruction and misery, and i hate to be blunt but also possible death.

ThreeGreens

"Thank you all very much for your replies. I wasn't sure of what kind of reaction I might get, but I really appreciated reading your messages."

I think if you are open, acknowledge your difficulties and are genuinely trying to improve your situation, you'll always get a sympatric reaction.

Your genuineness to help yourself comes across in your post 😉

I've no experience in this area, so am a little cautious to offer advice. But let me suggest that you might think about where you would like your life to go, and then what steps you need to take get there. Write them down on a piece of paper. Obviously quitting drinking is the first and most important step. But it's probably also the most difficult. Maybe that piece of paper will remind you of why you are trying to quit and how it's a necessary step to get to where you want to be. I imagine that a goal of a planned better life might make each day easier to get through. You know what you're trying to get by quitting.

Best of luck. I wish you well.

Pauliedragon

OP. I had a serious issue with alcohol a couple of years ago. As AyeGer said above take up a hobby. I started going to the cinema to take my mind off the pub. You'll be okay my friend. Take care and look after yourself and have a good Christmas.

Purple Mountain

OP, no man is an island. Who can you reach out to? Family? Friends?

Now is the time that's it's OK to ask for help.

The true spirit of Christmas is humanity and kindness. You need a lot of that right now.

Best of luck.

babliss2009

Wanted to reply before I read any replies so sorry I’d of repeat something - wanted to give off the bay response

you’re not the sum of your achievements. I spent years measuring against my imaginary yardstick and due to a massive life change have found myself in a similar spot to 20 years ago and … it’s actually ok! I know I’m super privileged to be able to say that and I’m grateful everyday. I would say, eff em! You’re here.

That’s something.

you want to make a change - that’s something

its ok if the person you save is yourself. You’re just as worthy of saving as anyone.

maybe what you need to be saved is to give yourself the kindness you’d give someone else’s

I’n sorry - I’ve no answers for you. All I can say is the will to want to change is a step. The next step, it’ll be hard. If you can, please know you’re worth it. Can you see yourself externally and try to give future to you the resources and help you’d give a friend?

if it’s any help, sending you a mental hug

babliss2009

Sorry - one thing to add. You had six months and relapsed 3 weeks ago?

OK You messed up.

you were going to at some point, that’s what makes us fallible.

all you can clean us the floor you can reach (Bonus point if you get the fantasy genre ref) so all you can do is deal with now.

you did 6 months. You’ve got this. You’ve made a mistake. You’ll make more.

it’s up to you what the next 6 months will be.

I think they’ll be very difficult and I think you’re strong enough to come through them. For what’s it’s worth.

AyeGer

The longer you are off it the easier it gets especially as the years go by. I'm off it many many years and its not something i think very much about anymore. The first 2 years are the toughest imo, especially the first few weeks and months. You did 6 months so you will be well able to get off it again. But you will need things to do, hobbies or something else you can throw yourself into.

DublinWriter

Wishing you the very best OP. It can be as easy or hard as you make it.

Count Dracula

How much are you drinking? Are you experiencing withdrawal symptoms, do you hit the bottle at specific times in your day?

Has your addiction led to you experiencing any risky behaviours, like dating strangers you meet online and having unprotected sex with them? Be careful with alcohol it is very dangerous and far too easy to abuse.

If your alcoholism is causing you problems in your daily life you need to try to get a handle on it. Do you exhibit any other dependencies, are you obsessive with partners? Have you struggled to maintain long term loving relationships? Experiencing abuse from a loved one is an awful experience, get away from that person immediately. Many people who suffer from addictions can experience great difficulty in connecting with others, this leads to problems in relationships.

I can remember dating this gorgeous woman around 10 years, a total knockout. But her attitude was appalling, she constantly spun lies and her foreplay amounted to a full bottle of Cab Sav, I used to hate the taste of wine from her lips. Underneath her beauty lay a terrified person who had struggled to gain any real connection or intimacy without using booze or other drugs. I struggled to understand it at first to be honest. After I decided to split with her she harassed me for weeks, crying down the phone, spreading malicious rumors about me to acquaintances, it was awful.

I hope you find a way out of your trouble, take your time and do what suits you best.

gazzer

Hi OP. First off I wanted to say we'll done for being so open and honest. I'm 14 months Sober after having a very serious alcohol problem and I too joined AA to help with my alcoholism.

>>Mod Snip<<

Mod Note - gazzer thank you for your reply. 

I have removed your final line as this would be in breach of the PI charter. 

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058266238/reminder-pming-in-personal-issues#latest

Hilda

At a complete loss

Hi everyone

I wanted to come back and update this thread, as I read the advice given to me more than once, and it was really soothing and definitely helped calm me down.

It took me a while, but I am really happy to say that I managed to get back, and I'm now on day 11 of sobriety. It was a struggle - I could not do it myself, and there really wasn't anything that anybody could say to get my mind in the right place. In the end, it was a faith / spiritual thing which brought me the peace and clarity of mind to actually put down the bottle and walk away from it and, most importantly, to be secure and happy with my decision. And it has given me immense peace of mind. Thank God! I hope that this was an important lesson that I learned, and which I won't have to repeat.

So, thank you all very, very much for your kind words, and for anybody else who is struggling, I hope that you can find your peace and your way out. It's tough for sure, but the rewards and the life that is waiting really is beyond imagining when you are stuck in that bad place.

All to best to you all!!

yourdeadwright

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120128268#Comment_120128268

Good to hear every journey starts with one step ,

I was going to say are you doing any exercise ?,

I'm not expert but a lot of people drink as a comfort to forget or to escape themselves , Good hard exercises will do the same for people but it also has the health benefits ,

You can lose yourself in the exercise & by the time your done you feel great & tired that you'll get yourself a good nights sleep , You may not think your into it but give it ago , I'd recommended joining classes even classes like spin or Zumba or what ever maybe something you enjoyed in your younger life, , it'll give you time a few times a week to switch off & come out your mind ,

TAll the best & i really hope you manage through this , any time you feel like your struggling come on here & talk it may help

SAMTALK

Well done OP. Take this one day at a time. Wishing you all the best