Husband leaving me

newtothisineedhelp

My husband decided today was the day to tell me he's not happy and he's leaving. We have two kids under three and I only work part time off hours while he watches them. We have a mortgage on a house. I don't even know where to start on trying to sort things out for myself. Any advice welcome.

I'm sure most people won't even know where to start in terms of advise.

Is the relationship 100% over? Can you work things out?

Can you work out an arrangement with him in terms of the kids etc?

Make sure you look after yourself

Discodog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058277687/husband-leaving-me

Firstly try not to panic. There is help & advice out there but not for a couple of days unless you feel in any danger. Try to talk with him & see if he has made any plans. Is this after an argument ? If so allow time for both sides to cool down.

HildaOgdenx

That must be very difficult, I hope that you have people to turn to in real life.

The link below should be useful as a starting point in sorting things out on a practical level.

Take care.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/breakdown_of_a_marriage_or_relationship.html

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@Alexander Ozzie, welcome to Personal Issues. When replying to threads here posters are asked to offer constructive mature advice to an OP. Though it may not have been intended to read as it does, telling someone whose marriage is ending to relax and that people come and go is highly insensitive and trivialising their issue.

The Charter can be found here which sets out the rules for posting in this forum. Please have a read of it before posting again.

Thanks

HS

madeiracake

Give yourself time to process this. It's a big change and will take a while for you to get your head around it. How are you feeling? Shocked, numb, angry, relieved? All of them? and sometimes it feels like you are going in circles. Try to organise some counseling for yourself to help. Mediation services are available (free) to help with the practical stuff if he is willing to go as well.

Augme

Contact/hire a solicitor ASAP. As difficult as it is emotionally, you also need to be clinical and ensure all the practicalities are sorted. I woukdnt get caught in whether they is a possibility of getting back together at this stage. That's soemthing for a later date. What I would focus on now is.

1. Where does he plan on sleeping?

2. How much will he be giving you in maintenence?

3. What access did he expect to have with the kids from here on out?

After that the link above is very useful. Write down what you need to sort out and getting working on that.

Now to sound cold, but the last thing you should be doing is focusing on the what ifs and worrying about you won't be able to cope. You need to be ruthless and proactive at this stage. Once you necessary admin resolved then you can start working though the what ifs and if onlys.

newtothisineedhelp

Thanks for the advice so far. It came out of nowhere so I've been blindsided and just crying all day. Like I said I don't even know where to start.

1. Where does he plan on sleeping?

I asked when did he plan to leave the house etc he said technically he doesn't have to leave. That he hasn't got a plan yet. He just doesn't want to be with me 🤷‍♀️ he made references a few times to selling the house. which I will never consent to. Where would I go in a housing crisis with two small kids and a part time job? He seems to think my mam will take us all on no problem out of absolutely nowhere

2. How much will he be giving you in maintenence?

I have no idea

3. What access did he expect to have with the kids from here on out?

I wouldn't never stand in the way of visitation. But I would presume with him working full time it would be weekend visits

osarusan

Get legal advice. They will be practiced at this and know how things proceed from here and what needs to be attended to right away.

As somebody above said, this is a time to be proactive and clinical, and they will do this even if you cannot.

Donald Trump

If you on top of things and get proper advice/assistance, the most probable outcome as regards the house would be that you will be staying there with the kids until the youngest one is 18. Regardless of whose name is on the house or who originally bought it. Unless he wants to provide different accommodation for you. Whether he also stays or not during that time will depend on him and his behaviour.

Definitely talk to a solicitor. As a mother you have your rights.

Mongfinder General

I’ve no idea what kind of personality your husband has but if the thinks that he can just tell you and the kids to go live with your mother - he is dreaming. There is no judge in the land who’ll delivering a ruling that allows this, unless you agree to it.

Likelihood is that you’ll be in that house until the kids have grown up and left for college. Selling the house and each of you going your own way is dream land stuff. However, he may become awkward to deal with. He may not want to pay towards the house. Even if the court orders him to pay x, he may not pay x but offer y or nothing at all. He may quit working for a while to lower his means, move out of the jurisdiction, feign illness etc - anything to lower his financial responsibilities. Even with an Attachment of Earnings Order, it can be hard. You just need to be ready for these bumps in the road.

As has been advised above - get legal advice.

AndrewJRenko

I'm just wondering if you know whether this is a serious position from himself or just a rash response to an argument. You need to decide yourself whether things are past the point of no return. It sounds like he either hasn't thought it through, or just has no idea of the practicalities involved.

If not, you might want to consider some tough discussions with him, possibly with marriage counselling involved, to see if you can get yourselves back on track.

If it is past the point of no return, recommendations for legal advise are the way to go.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120052580#Comment_120052580

Thanks for reaching us here. Talking is important.

It sounds that he didn't think this through that much yet and need some time to process. Well done for raising these questions seeking for some sort of clarity. I'd be similar to you trying to get more certainty as it creates the feeling of safety rather than chaotic thoughts... at least that is what I have experienced a few years ago... I wish you to understand that certain things he says might change and get more practical or partly resolved in time. I believe this is due to high emotions and also, as I said, not everything is thought throughout. I praise you for putting your kids' interests ahead. Don't forget yourself too. I can't speak for you, but I personally found something very simple, such as a cup of hot chocolate or a hot bath with a jazz music and candles can really comfort you and help to ground yourself. Mind yourself. And if need, seek for advice.

It may sound strange, and of course, you know the situation better, but look for how he's doing too. Just because he has initiated the changes, it doesn't mean he's feeling any better. Just asking him if he needs anything, see what his reaction is. Hopefully, he can answer with same. Supporting each other is important, however, it is also dangerous as it can create false idea that one of the party wants to get back to were it was...

Don't forget yourself and watch if he helps you with the kids 😉

Thanks again for talking.

Count Dracula

Op, this must be a very traumatic day for you. It is important that you have decided to share this distressing news with us.

I would insist he leaves the house immediately, get your separation initiated as soon as you can. Fortunately your family are still infants and this will enable them to handle the stress and hardship you will have to endure. Get him out now, while you have the initiative to do so.

Don't make the mistake of trying to reconcile with him. Any person who flakes on a marriage when there are young children involved is obviously not suitable as a partner. You will manage through this. Get him out now and never let him back into your life, if he cared about you or his children he would never have jeopardised harming your family by announcing to you at the end of a holiday that he no longer wants to be a part of it. I mean it, get rid of him right now.

Call a family solicitor and also consult with trusted friends and if you want to your family. Don't ever talk to any of his friends and certainly none of his family ever again, blood is thicker than water and over the next couple of years you will be shown multiple examples of this.

Do not facilitate any access to your children for his parents or siblings, at all. He took his vow to you in front of them and they should also suffer the repercussions of his actions. You need to protect your children's future at this point, any connection with his family will lead to them becoming confused and possibly distressed.

Has his decision to abandon his family not enabled you to recognise what a poor choice you made when you decided to marry him? Now is not the time for self-refletion, what is important is that you remove this creep from your life and let your family have a stable future. Good luck op, once you have seen the back of him your life can only improve.

I understand that you must still have feelings for him, but take comfort in the fact that you are freeing yourself from an unresponsible coward who is not worthy of protecting and loving your family anymore. Some of these types might try to reconcile in a few months, like when their new half has become a burden and they want to go back to their wife.... please don't let him away with this one or you will be doomed to a life of watching him conduct affair after affair after affair. This can lead to you never getting your own life in order, which would you prefer to do, spend the rest of your life monitoring a feckless husband who could never be trusted in the first place, or , spend the rest of your life nurturing your family and looking after yourself and who knows maybe, just maybe, finding an opportunity to find love again in this world?

Get him out now.

newtothisineedhelp

What are my options if he won't leave the house? I obviously don't want to live under the same roof if he doesn't want a relationship with me. Even if he wants to see the kids etc. I think I deserve a better life than that.

I know everything is obviously closed with new years etc but I'll start trying to look into things tonight when the kids go to bed. I don't really have anyone to turn to apart from my mam. Certainly not anyone who has been in the same boat etc. My own parents split when I was maybe 9 or so and it was traumatizing for me so obviously would like things to go as smoothly as I could manage

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053015#Comment_120053015

Like it or not, he's not obliged to leave the house. If he came here looking for advice, he'd be told not to leave the house in any circumstances.

Dial Hard

He's under no obligation to leave the house and it's likely that his solicitor will advise him not to.

You need legal advice of your own, but more importantly, you need emotional and personal support. Confide in your mam and/or a close friend and be kind to yourself. This has obviously come as a huge shock to you and you need time to process that. The legal stuff can wait.

perry stanley

When selecting a solicitor please do so carefully. Just as with other professionals there are good ones and ...not so good. Reputation /recommendations are worth looking for. Some are very good at family law others.. not so. A good solicitor will also keep in mind what judge he would hope to go before. The citizens advice have been very helpful and have good contacts. Stay strong, be cool and stay safe.

Sunrise_Sunset

OP, so sorry to read your post. Especially being blindsided by your husband's decision. He was possibly hanging on to "get through" Christmas and then was preparing to leave/end the marriage.

My own kids are a bit older now and we have some hard times but I remember having 2 kids under 3 too, and it's hard going. Do you think that could be part of how he's feeling? Those hard times will end though. Of course life throws other difficult situations our way when rearing kids, but with 2 very young kids, it can often feel like you're in the trenches. For us the good times outweighed the bad, but it might not be the same for everyone. It might be worth trying to have a conversation about that with him? Did he just say he's not happy but then not offer up any reasons as to why?

What a way to start the new year. Again, so sorry OP.

Xidu

If you are legally married and he is the one wanna get out this marriage and you have no fault.

then

you get the house as you have 2 kids

he pay maintenance from now on.

just be careful don’t get too hash as there are assholes there refusing to pay maintenance and leave the mom and kids in difficulties.

newtothisineedhelp

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053161#Comment_120053161

It wasn't even a good time tbh. I had a bad chest infection and only feeling okay/off antibiotics since yesterday.

Our youngest is only 10 months so possibly. He said he wasn't happy. There's too much pressure. I don't do enough and that he wants out. I asked him earlier if we could try to make things work and he said no he's 100% done

Ignacius

Best of luck to you and your family.

Ignacius

What a nasty post this is. I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.

You have no idea what his family are like and cutting the kids off from them would be more hardship for them in most cases.

I would suggest OP gets some advice and steers clear of anybody else’s bitterness's.

Purple Mountain

Op. First thing tomorrow reach out to someone you trust. There must be a friend. Even if they haven't had this experience, talking it put will help you.

First thing Tuesday morning ring a family law solicitor.

Not any solicitor your family might have used for wills, mortgages etc. Look online for ratings and recommendations for a family law solicitor.

Do not converse with your husband about any plans of do not make any decisions. He's trying to rush you.

Hold your tongue until you talk to the law on Tuesday.

Let him sleep in the spare room for now and whatever you do do not move to your mams. Even temporarily.

Sorry to sound cold but unfortunately this is the only way to deal with a man like that.

Swaine

Some really crappy replies to this. The man already has fcuk all rights as it is and people want him to leave his home and kids because he no longer loves his wife? Equality only when it suits. Hypocrites.

iwillhtfu

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053015#Comment_120053015

>>mod snip<< Like it or not his family will always be the kids family and cutting off the grandparents etc is likely to affect the kids and not spite the husband as you obviously intend.

OP sorry to hear this and I'm sure it's a shock.

The advice of speaking to someone that is qualified is best otherwise you'll get the above.

This is obviously all very raw so best to talk this through as adults when things settle and explain your next steps will be to engage with a solicitor. Try not mention access rights etc as this will likely lead to another arguement. Explain that co existing under the same roof isn't going to work long term and that the kids need a stable home.

I do hope things improve, what a rotten start to the year. Look after yourself and the kids.

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@iwillhtfu please leave the personal insults out of it

combat14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053172#Comment_120053172

no guarantee op will get house court will need to decide full set of information most likely she can stay in house for 20 years till kids finish education then sell and split proceeds of sale, alternatively op may decide to return to full time employment, get a loan and buy other spouse share out.. perhaps they will reconcile through counselling or come to another positive arrangement through mediation but no automatic right to house just like that

combat14

sorry to hear sad news op - take things easy for now consider also giving OH some space (where possible) no rows, but equally no requests to get back just be pleasant, polite, kind as possible especially around the kids and be gentle on your self you don't have to decide everything straight away or figure it all out immediately don't put undue pressure on yourself - give yourself a little time as this has come as quite a shock especially this time of year .. things will gradually have a way of working themselves out the main things and this is easier said than done is to try to keep things as amicable as possible the courts system in this country is an absolute nightmare and not for the faint hearted best of luck

Dr Turk Turkelton

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120053015#Comment_120053015

Sorry to hear your situation op but the only advice I can give you is to not listen to this >>mod snip<<.

There has been good advice from other posters though I would listen to them and engage a solicitor straight away who deals with family law.

But just to emphasise again don't listen to someone like Count Dracula who is projecting her own issues on you.

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@Dr Turk Turkelton leave the personal insults out of it

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

@Count Dracula, your offers of advice in this forum are heading increasingly in the direction of telling an OP to push the nuclear button. As per the charter any advice offered should be mature and constructive. If you cannot offer mature constructive advice then please do not post.

HS