Child hates playschool

LadyMayBelle

Gentle advice needed, this issue is really affecting us as a family. My little lad turned 5 last week. We he stared ECCE at 3yrs 8months. He didn't attend the first year because of covid and my husband was a full time stay at home parent. He has never really liked playschool bar maybe for a few weeks last year he came round so we thought oh great the next year will be better.. he comes out smiling and the feedback is usually positive but he spent all xmas asking how long before he had to go back and how much he doesn't want to go. Year one he went three days and we pay for five days since last Sept, 9-12pm.

Its not a case of first week back nerves, there of course may be elements of boredom but he absolutely wasn't ready for big school last Sept. We don't have alternatives and don't know if moving him now to another place (highly unlikely there is any) would even be the right thing. He starts junior infants in Sept so he 'only' has Jan-May then he is off June/July/Aug. Feel a little pressure to send him in the five days as have been told it's to get him ready for big school but it's torturous. I'm at a loss. We can't have this school refusal in big school.

For context, we empathize, don't try bombard with solutions, do all the invisible string activities, notes in lunchbox, drop off and pick ups are lovely.. but he doesn't see any kids other than in school due to family situations etc so without school it is only adults he is around. Reasons for not liking it vary from it's too noisy, too many kids, they don't have hot wheels, I want to be closer to home, it's 'disgusting', a kid follows me round, I miss x,y and z, and sadly, today, i wanted to cry because I missed you but they said I'm one of the big boys now' . It's a small ECCE only scheme I should say so not a big chain or anything.

Any advice would help. We are so sad. I feel like I'm not listening - well I am but don't know what alternative I have.. it's impacting my work as he refuses to in for his dad, so I do drop off which means working later into evening. We have seen a play therapist who suggested doing sensory activities prior to going into school but he is like nope not doing them thanks very much, I hate school and don't want to go.

shesty

How do the school say he behaves?Does he mix with other kids?Does he mention his parents or not liking the school during the day?Have they given suggestions how to help him?

LadyMayBelle

Thanks Shesty. They describe him as being quite the observer, and hangs back a little. This would match my temperament. They remarked that he has been quiet this week and that it's taking him longer to settle back in than other kids. He told me about the need to cry earlier and I was saddened hearing their likely passive comment about being a big boy now.

He has a little friend there we go on playdates with. He said he doesn't like to tell the teachers he feels sad. It's only three hours a day he attends, but he asks us every day can he go for 2 hours. He's always found the 3hours long which is why pullings him out altogether when he is due to be doing 9-1 in September doesn't seem right? Altho that's 7months away and he will have three months summer off. They give him jobs to do in school if he gets in for 9am (and other little bits and bobs) but he isn't pushed...he missed the school play just before Xmas as was poorly and was delighted.. would have missed Santys visit just as happily had he been unwell that day.

shesty

I suppose.....you can't make him be happy or want to be there.That's the thing.

I would try to stick with 5 days.My second child will take any excuse for an early pick up if she thinks it might at all be an option (or even not an option!).I'm not disputing that he finds it hard, but I suppose answer 1 is just no, we all go to school for the whole day (or similar), in a matter of fact voice, and move on.Don't engage too much on that with him I think, because frankly, come September, you won't be able to.He'll just have to go to school and that will be that.I have it with my 6 year old, and my answer is just your job is to go to school, my job is go to work, and that's it really.Non-negotiable.

Sensory play obviously isn't of benefit for him.Has the play therapist got any ideas for him to cope when he is in there or upset?Can you ask him what else he could do when he wants to cry in school? Just to put it in context for you, my kids are 8, 6 and 4(preschooler) and they do come out the odd day and say I really missed you mammy, and I got a bit sad and teacher let me sit on her chair (or similar).Happens less so now with the eldest.I suppose taking the approach of saying that's ok, I missed you too and kind of moving on from it might be a way?I know what the staff said stings a bit alright.

I don't know for sure to be honest.I DO know from my lot that if I make a big deal of something, they will play it up more and more.He's obviously told you his reasons for not liking it, and they are valid for his age.But at the same time, if he's not being bullied, or he's not very upset all day then maybe....having ideas of how he can cope, other things he could do, when he feels upset might be one step - having your pick up and drop off routine set in stone - and then maybe....listening but not making a big deal out of it??..might be the way to go?? If they pick up that it seems to be a big deal to the adult, then it becomes a big deal for them, and you can often get stuck in a cycle of reinforcing that he doesn't like it, without realising.

Again - I am not disputing that he finds it hard, or saying that you should stop listening.But maybe taking the power out of the fact that he "doesn't like school" might be a way to try?

Sorry, I have no straight answer here.

LadyMayBelle

Thanks Shesty. I needed this space. A mother is only as happy as her least happy child. I feel this one in my gut, especially today's comment. It's going on so long and his natural tendency is to go glass half empty but it's hard seeing him unhappy. We def have been doing the everyone has to go to school/work and we know that's hard right now and def have ways and things to do in there to manage. He refuses to take a little pebble/button in his pocket and this week asked for no note in his lunchbox..one of our connection tools. It's the hard balance of wanting to hear him, empathise and respect but also send him to what he seems to think is the gauntlet

fits

This happened a friend of mine last year. She moved her young fellow to a more outdoorsy one 2 days and a more academic one three days and he loved both. Sometimes the environment just doesn’t work for them.

LadyMayBelle

Thanks fits. I just don't have the luxury of options, and a move would be a big transition for the sake of four months, with another transition in Sept to big school. I wish we had options !

fits

Four months is a long time for a child. And it’s more like six. Anyway just a suggestion. I know it’s not easy to find places.

LadyMayBelle

Thanks fits. I had contacted a place this eve out of desperation. I really wish it was easier. My heart breaks for him. If I were unhappy in a job four months is a long time!

shesty

If another place has a spot for him, have a chat with them first, in person, yourself. Explain the situation, and get a feel for what they think before making any decisions.

It's hard to know to be honest.

LadyMayBelle

Thanks folks. It's helpful to have the space to vent, reflect and process here.

JDD

I should preface any advice I have with the fact that my own five year old son is autistic. I am not for a moment suggesting that your child is autistic, but from what I can see since he got his diagnosis last year is that the vast majority of us have some difficultly with at least one of the five or six areas that autistic kids struggle with, even if we would never meet diagnostic criteria. And so some of the things that you do to help autistic kids deal with the daily world would help a much wider population of people.

My son started in big school in September, having really disliked creche for the entire two years he attended before September. Now, I should say that he was in creche from 10am until 5.30 everyday as I couldn't see a way that I could WFH with him here. And like you we didn't have a choice of provider - we only got him a place when he was 2.5 because a new facility had opened on our estate. He would fight me trying to get ready every morning, would drag his feet all the way to creche and tell me every day that he didn't like it. He didn't have enough language to tell me why he didn't like it, but since he has got his diagnosis it is as clear as day to me now why he really disliked it.

Since he hated creche so much I was really worried about him starting school, but it has been like chalk and cheese for him. School is much more structured, he likes the uniform, he likes organised PE, he likes everything about it really. I should say that there is an assigned SNA in his room which has helped immensely, which I would imagine your son would not have. But there is, generally, an SNA in every junior infant room and from what my older daughters say, they help with all the kids who might need a little extra time, not just the ones who have diagnoses. And it just seems like the teachers understand him better. While the minders in the creche were lovely, they were generally under-trained and under-experienced with any child that would have an additional need. So they were just at a loss for what to do with him. The school teachers seem to have strategies for everything and I have just been flabbergasted at the difference.

While my son doesn't appear to have noise sensitivity, we have since found that it is a "drip drip trigger" for him, like how a ticking clock can be ignored for hours until eventually the ticking sounds like someone is slapping your head. He wouldn't even know why he was in such bad form, it was only when he got time out of the classroom from school, and we got ear defenders for an airplane flight that we realised that noise was overwhelming for him. I am thinking of trying out some earplugs from a brand called Calm that smooths out annoying frequencies but I'm not sure how he'll take to them. My son also doesn't like children crowding him, which seems to happen in creche more often than school. Also, the fact that he was only in a half day, then he stays at home with us for the afternoon was also a big help. That's not much comfort for you though.

I was so worried about morning times that I printed and laminated a morning schedule, where he could take off little pictures of him doing certain things (eating breakfast, getting dressed) and put them in an "all done" box. He loved that, and it kept him moving so much that he couldn't really think about whether he wanted to go to school or not. I wish I had implemented that when he was in creche.

If you could get an outdoorsy creche for the next four months then that could help, but that might not be an option and I'd imagine most indoor creches generally present the same challenges. As an overall comment I would say that sometimes kids just have to deal with difficult things. Its so hard for us to stand by when it appears they are not happy but if there isn't much of another option (and there certainly won't be when he starts school), and you are doing everything you can to help him be happy there, then he probably just has to put up with it for the four months. I would say to go and talk to the minders again. Get a really good idea of what the timetable is like for the day, and then print out a visual timetable for him to look at at home. If the three hours is broken down, visually, into more manageable chunks he might not be so worried about the three hours stretching ahead of him. Don't mind them looking for him attending the five days - he can adjust to that at school. Three is enough. And ask them to keep a particular eye for anything that is making him withdraw from activities or what might be making him sad, so that you can think of some strategies to help him with that. Him crying because he missed you probably wasn't just about missing you - something else might have presented a difficulty for him and then he wanted you to be there to comfort him.

Most of all - best of luck with it. The guilt is something dreadful isn't it? But rest assured things will improve, even just with him getting older and more mature and more able to deal with the world. You wouldn't know my son from a year ago.

fits

Great post JDD!

LadyMayBelle

JDD. Thanks immensely for that post. I don't have the time to dissect it all here but I am Saving it..a lot in it ringing bells.. he has ear defenders alright but won't bring them in..I'm sensitive to noise myself and use earplugs.. but to say thanks for your post and for the time to type it out, makes a lot of sense and is going to help us.

SmallgirlBigcity

My little lad started his first year of pre school last September. He turned 3 in November. He goes in from 9am-12pm. He absolutely hated it and cried every morning going in for the first 3 weeks. But after 3 weeks, it's like a flip switched and he stopped crying and went in no problem. At the start, he said it was too loud and he definitely struggled with how different it was from home. He's an only child and while I brought him to a lot of play groups before, I could tell that the noise was an issue for him. I'm the same in that I find loud parties difficult. But he has settled in now and loves it.

I assume that your son started preschool last September? If so, I would have expected him to have settled in by now. It's very hard when they're so upset. Even though it only lasted 3 weeks of my son being upset, I was questioning whether the pre school was suitable for him and I was wondering if I was doing the right thing by sending him in every day upset. It was very upsetting. But I'm glad I stuck with it now. I don't have any major advice. Just wanted to reassure you that my son did settle in over time and he loves it now. I hope the same happens for your little guy. Best of luck.

fits

I think there is a difference between the early fear and reluctance a lot of children have when they start and ongoing reluctance and dislike.

one of my boys has special needs. He did 50% in mainstream with aims and 50% in special Playschool. He was grand in the mainstream for the first year but the second year something went wrong. It was only two days a week so we persisted with it but in retrospect I wish we had moved him to that outdoorsy one I mentioned earlier.

he is in primary school now and loves it. He’s in an ASD class.