Probate and Difficult Mother

TheGlossy

Hi all,

My dad passed a year ago and we initiated the probate then. I have a completely illiterate mother (who is unstable), so I have been driving the process myself.

As part of the probate, there is my dad’s equity in the family house and about €5K in the bank pending in a deposit account with the legal professional. All was fine when we signed the first probate deed but my mother has been asking about the €5K. I told her the money would be released once the probate is finalized but she needs to know she won’t get the full €5K as the relevant fees need to be deducted.

Fast forward, we were due to close the probate tomorrow but there was an additional optional deed that was drafted by the legal professional which we had agreed to put on hold for now. I explained to my mother what this deal is about and it would add an additional €2.3K to the existing bill of €1.4K which means all the money she was due to get would get absorbed in fees.

While I think the legal professional is trying to rack up fees, my mother went ballistic over this. She thinks she’s due €6K. I don’t see how when there’s only €5K in cash. Then I told her fees would need to be deducted (€1.4K) and she said I need to find a way to get her the full €5K. She said it’s my “responsibility”.

This is completely unreasonable. Not to mention my siblings who do not understand legal jargon went and told her the POA she granted meant the legal professional could do and sign off on whatever they want including changing the ownership of the family home to benefit us children. This is completely incorrect. We would each get a share of my dad’s equity in the family home while my mother’s original 50% is still intact. My dad didn’t have a will so local law (not Ireland) applies.

She’s literally asking me to get the legal professional not to deduct fees for their work which is insane (I’ve already told her this). She wants the full €5K and I’ve literally tried everything to get her ti understand it won’t happen. Then she started blaming me we should have not have initiated the probate (it is a legal requirement when the deceased had fixed assets).

I’m honestly at loss for words here. I’ve no mean to get her to understand and I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in the middle.

Help!

Dial Hard

Seriously, OP, what advice are you expecting to get here that you haven't already had a million times over in your countless other threads about your family???

Stop. Engaging. End of.

TheGlossy

I hadn’t spoken to any of them in 7 months but my signature is required to close off the probate. That’s the only reason why I agreed to get in contact.

28064212

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120253774#Comment_120253774

You got in contact to provide a signature. You're now having in-depth conversations about how it's split out and trying to explain things to your mother. Do you not see how that is engaging with them?

If they need a signature, provide it. If they don't need a signature, move on

Dslatt

Sign it move on, fcuk them. I've my own difficult family, I feel your pain, I was executor for my grandmother and now my father as well. It's like pulling teeth. Whisky helps.

Big Bag of Chips

She’s literally asking me to get the legal professional not to deduct fees for their work which is insane (I’ve already told her this). She wants the full €5K and I’ve literally tried everything to get her ti understand it won’t happen. Then she started blaming me we should have not have initiated the probate (it is a legal requirement when the deceased had fixed assets).

How is all this happening if you haven't spoken to them for 7 months. Give her the solicitors phone number and tell her to ring them and discuss the fees.

She's only helpless because you encourage it.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120254125#Comment_120254125

She can’t read or write or speak local language. She is essentially incapable which is why the notary cannot deal with her directly.

I did not speak to them for 7 months. Then the notary reached out to me this week to coordinate the appointment for the signing of the remaining closure deeds. I was told by the notary I need to be physically present. I therefore had to engage to finalize this. Trust me, if I could have done it differently, I would have. I cannot grant a POA to anyone in my family at this stage.

The problem is not about providing my signature. The issue is she’s expecting me to fight with the notary to get the exact amount of cash she has in her head which is insane. She wants me to tell the notary to only deduct X amount of fees and give her the rest. That is not how it works and it is not a fight I’m willing to fight. She cannot get it through her head that the notary has to get their fees. Now she’s blaming me and saying it’s my fault for getting a notary involved (when it’s a local requirement).

I told her she had her entire mortgage paid off which is enough in itself, so I’m not going to go on a crusade for €3K. I clearly said this whole process is quite frankly not my responsibility nor my business. She said I need to make it my business because she needs to take care of my siblings (26 year old brother with no job, 20 year old sister college drop out with no job).

This is honestly not my problem. I simply engaged to coordinate the signatures and appointment and she’s wrecking my head over this. When I said I don’t have time for this as I’m busy with a new job her answer was “then who is going to deal with this”. I suggested my siblings and she went mental.

Genuinely unhinged.

Hannibal_Smith

She has been wrecking your head since day 1. That's why you broke contact for 7 months. It's always going to be the same with her. You don't write the rules, you are not in control of what she gets paid. You are doing what your can to conclude matters, if she has such a problem with it she can get in touch with the local embassy and ask someone to find a translator for her.

Big Bag of Chips

Ask the solicitor to email whatever you need to sign. Sign it and return it. Block the numbers of all your family if you don't want contact with them and don't answer your phone or any attempt at contact if they contact you by other means. You are still "available" to them which is why they persist in contacting you and telling you it's your responsibility. If you weren't available they'd figure it out.

Deal with the solicitor for anything that you need to do and ignore everything/everyone else.

spaceHopper

You need to let go. Fly in sign the paper work let them lawyer take their fee and send her the rest. Then ghost them. Don't even talk to her or explain it to her, she knows full well that the lawyer isn't doing it for free.

ChickenDish

You probably just coming on boards to vent, which is understandable. You know what the solution to this problem, once everything is finalized cut and run. Its impossible to rationalize with the irrational, nothing you do will ever convince your mother her demands have no basis in reality. Carry on regardless, bite your tongue and block her once its all done.

Neyite

Parentification is the name for it I think? She's making you responsible for her welfare. And putting it on you that you are responsible for the children SHE chose to give birth to. You aren't. They are not your children. They are not your responsibility.

Mum: You need to tell the notary that I want my 6k.

You: Yes I told them. They said no.

Mum: But you need to tell them it's mine.

You: Yes I told them. They said no.

And keep repeating that exact phrase over and over. Don't explain any more. She might be illiterate but she's not stupid - she wants more money than she's supposed to get and is probably hoping you'll hand over 6k just to get her to STFU. She knows she has to pay those people but is hiding behind her learning disability in order to front her way out of it.

Sign it, and then cut every one of them out of your life. You'll be blamed no matter what you do, so there's no point trying.