As heartbroken as one could possibly be........

Chillybilly342

I know and I will :( thanks

covidcustomer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058286499/as-heartbroken-as-one-could-possibly-be

Being totally honest......

It seems to me that there are two relationships going on here, you say that he sleeps with the same woman during your "off" periods and I wonder is that the case?

Maybe she doesn't want him to be the father of the child for the same reasons you didn't want to start a family with him, unstable, addiction issues and in an on/off relationship with you?

You say you can get over him sleeping with this woman, but when he's doing it repeatedly...... If it walks and talks like a duck...

10 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and for it to come to this "drama"?

You seem to be the only one hurting and maybe it's time to cut your losses because you've gone down a rabbit hole concerning this other woman and a child that maybe/maybe not his.

If you are going to stay in that relationship then you need the truth and that involves a professional DNA test.

If that child is his then like it or not, that is a tie to this other woman for the foreseeable - in the past he has slept with this woman, what's to say he won't do it again?

Either way, you are in the middle of a drama that you didn't create and do you want that going forward?

Wishing you all the best, only you know what to do in the end, all the advice in the world can't make a decision for you.

covidcustomer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305083#Comment_120305083

Access and maintenance are two different things, paying maintenance does not guarantee access.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304102#Comment_120304102

Nope, if he really wanted to know, he would go down the legal route of ensuring he got his answer.

She has made it easy for him.

airy fairy

All the drama aside, if you love the man, and you can now trust the man, and he is fully committed to staying clean/sober, having a child shouldn't depend on him being a biological father to a different child, be it a one night stand, past relationship or whatever.

There are many many blended families with mixed biological parents living in loving homes. I cannot fathom why you are hung up on your partner determining if he is truly the dad or not.

happyoutscan

If you were my sister I'd be saying to move on from him.

You'll never be happy with this relationship.

xyz13

He is so devoted he has been on/off for 10yrs and there's no ring in sight. 🙈

A young woman made a big mistake earlier into her adult life, but she seems to have her priorities sorted [unlike some people 8/10yrs her senior].

Leave them alone OP!

Hannibal_Smith

Unless he has an enormous amount of information on her, he can't pinpoint the pregnancy to the night of the condom break and you're not going to have that information with someone you've slept with the odd time. Also he cant know her all that well because she was seemingly with someone else while she was with him. How does he know she wasn't using other forms of birth control herself?

It seems to me like an unusual scenario. Like, you have an awful lot of information on their time(s) together. Did your boyfriend offer this up? How do you know the girl he slept with? Did he tell you who she was? When you broke up, did you break up with him?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm wondering whether the boyfriend is giving you this information to feed into your insecurities? Is he telling you he slept with a girl 8 years younger to show you he can get another woman, a younger one, so you'll think if you break up with him it'll be your loss? He's been after you to have children and you've said no...all of a sudden there's a possibility he's had a child with someone else and now having a child with him is front and foremost in your mind. That all might be a bit of a stretch, but there's something about you having so much information that is a bit unusual.

The girl wants the two of you out of her life. Respect that. Stop contacting her. Your issue is between you and your boyfriend and the very topsy-turvy relationship between you both. Having a baby together now would be the worst idea. You need to talk to someone openly and honestly and get an objective take on your relationship. That's where I'd start if I was you.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305083#Comment_120305083

I can't think of many mothers who would deny a good responsible man paternity to his child and instead opt to be a single mother, simply to avoid having a break from the child once a fortnight.

On the other hand, a mother who doesn't want a man with addiction problems who has only sorted himself out recently at the age of 34 seems very sensible. It would be irresponsible to let someone like that into a child's life. You know this because you spent years not having his children.

To be honest you seem to be viewing having children in a completely selfish way. Your biological clock is ticking so you'll give your kids a dad who, by your own words, is unstable and has addiction issues. You don't like the idea of your child not being his first born so you're disrupting three other people's lives to try, what, prove yourself right?

oldfriend213sf

Just a few observations from an internet stranger OP.

You don't seem happy. And I think you're not happy because you don't know yourself and your needs, what you want, what you don't want out of life. What you deserve.

And I think that because I lived in the world like that once. I spent time with partners that were making me feel terrible about myself, making me feel worry and dread for my future, made me feel like I had no other option but them and therefore they held all the power. Toxic relationships where my needs were never met but that was a familiar feeling for me - I never felt like a priority in my life, even as a kid. I didn't learn what "healthy" or "nurtured" was. So I found these men because they kept me in that old familiar loop.

On the face of it, there are some big red flags here and you don't seem at all happy. You're together 10 years and you are still not clear on the vision of your life together. The "on and off" bit, those types of relationships don't tend to spell success and happiness in the long-term, they just speak of constant unresolved issues that are ignored because you can't seem to walk away from someone. And the paternity question, which will never be resolved by the sounds of things. I don't see the issue with a man having a child with someone else, but the circumstances are just all off. It happened when you were in an "off" period of your relationship, you seem to feel competitive with her but probably deep down insecure about your own relationship (who wouldn't when it's 10 years on and off) and so are projecting onto her.

I think the only person you're at war with is yourself, OP. The heartbreak comes from knowing what is right, instinctively, but letting the pressure of your age and this sunken cost fallacy of investing 10 years into the wrong person that you don't feel like you can walk away from. What would you do if you weren't 33 and were 20 instead? What would you do if you loved and valued yourself? What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation?

I'll tell you what I did. I walked away and changed a lot of my life circumstances. The pain of staying the same outgrew the fear of change. I had to be OK with potentially not having children, potentially not meeting someone else, so many unknowns. But I knew I deserved more and that act alone of putting myself first and following my instinct changed so much for me.

Chillybilly342

Deleted

SAMTALK

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

Both more stable and not so on and off anymore !

IMO you are both miles off bringing children into this world

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

Not so on and off anymore??

What do you mean by that?

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

Not so on and off and everything's been OK! OP you absolutely cannot have kids with this man, not until everything is great and its very stable at least. From the sounds of it, thats not going to happen, its taken 10 years to get to ok.

The fact he would have had kids while in the throws of addiction and being unstable shows he has no idea of what a responsibility being a parent is. You need to take many steps back and start to look at this situation from a fresh perspective. If getting yourself into such a state that believing a kid that he and the kids mother says isnt his makes you feel as heartbroken as someone could possibly be then you need a little time to work on yourself.

SAMTALK

The childs mother seems to be more mature and sensible that the both of you put together

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

The relationship was toxic and you left for the sake of your own sanity. Yet you are heartbroken that he may have had a child with another woman and are looking up pregnancy calculators and looking into her due date and delivery date.

Is the advice you're looking for whether you should have a child with him or not? Because I think you've received excellent advice from posters here. Take a bit of time and read over them and be honest with yourself about where you're at and why you're ready to have kids. Because I'd wonder is it only because you think this other girl could have more of a higher status than you in his mind if she has his child?

ahappychappy

OP you need to draw a line and move on. You mention a past extending over ten years, on-off, addiction and toxic issues. Any one of these issues would be a red flag there are several. My reading of this is that the 25 year old has the measure of him and is keeping her child away from possible heartbreak. My reading is he hasn't had his addiction under control for a very long time - less than a year? That is no time at all and you want to add a child into this mix - a major stress? I appreciate you have given a lot of time to this relationship but please do not think a baby is a healthy step now. This isnt going to improve in fact it has the markers of the issues recurring over and over.

You deserve a non toxic relationship with the prospect of parenthood without the challenges of addiction management and possible relapse - statistics aren't great in people beating addiction.

Squatman

The more i read the OPs responses the more im convinced she just wants to be told, yes, allowing an addict whose not commited to you will definitely solidify your relationship. Should have done it years ago.

OP, and Genuinely, your a young, single childfree woman. and you have 10 years ahead where you can have children (yes it gets more complicated over 40, but you can do tests these days). There are plenty of people who would only love the opportunity to have kids with you, and people who are capable of providing for you /your family, if you indeed do genuinely feel like you want to have kids, and not to save a relationship. Go an live your own life, leave this two timing in your past.

Chillybilly342

Deletd

Chillybilly342

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Chillybilly342

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Dial Hard

OP I really think you need counselling. Your anger at this woman is completely disproportionate and entirely misplaced. You seem almost obsessed with her.

I think you've spent so long in the toxic washing machine of your relationship that you've lost any sense of perspective and don't know up from down at this point. You're definitely showing signs of going down the sunk cost fallacy road, as has already been mentioned. You've already wasted 10 years of your life on this relationship, are you going to throw another 10 after it just in case???

I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself and you need professional help to do it. Have you ever asked yourself why you were even prepared to get involved with an addict in the first place, let alone stay there for a decade? Most people wouldn't have even considered this man to begin with.

witchgirl26

OP do you genuinely believe someone with an 18 month old has the time or energy to be doing all of that just to get at you or him? Having been there - they really, really don't. At that stage, you have just enough time to eat (sometimes), pee & get a bit of sleep. It's a hard slog & not something someone does because they couldn't be bothered getting the morning after pill. And unless you were with her, how do you know she didn't get it?

Look for one reason or another, you are refusing to believe that this child isn't his, despite him accepting that & the mother repeatedly saying that. That is now a you problem, not theirs. And for some reason, you think having more children than her with your bf will "beat" her somehow. It won't. Because there is no competition here except the one you've made in your head. Oh & conception calculators can be way off. As can due dates btw. My due date changed 3 times during my pregnancy & when I plugged any of them into a conception calculator they came out with dates that would have been impossible for me to get pregnant on (for varying reasons).

You have a few choices here:

1) Accept that the child isn't your bf's (which is being said), move on with your life and have a family with your bf.

2) Accept that the child isn't your bf's and decide that you don't want to have children with him & move on.

3) Continue to believe that this child is his (despite what everyone is saying) and remain bitter and resentful that you didn't have his first baby.

Chillybilly342

Deleted

Dial Hard

Sorry, OP, but you haven't achieved anything the vast majority of everyone else your age hasn't also done. Your judgement of someone much younger than you, whose life choices differed from yours, is actually really distasteful, tbh. You sound almost insanely jealous of her, despite protesting very loudly about what a loser she is compared to you.

Seriously, get into therapy. There is an *awful* lot to unpack here.

Dial Hard

Also, it's literally NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what she tells the child when it's older. None. Zip. Nada. Your fixation on this woman and her child is downright bizarre.

Big Bag of Chips

That’s why she has one night stands with men who have no interest in her besides using her for sex and when the condom breaks rather than go get emergency contraception she takes risks and then has to cheat DNA tests and create fake results to get rid of the baby daddy and the woman he actually wants to have a family with

This is a pretty nasty post and completely uncalled for. She didn't have a one night stand with your partner. He was going between the two of you, off and on. She didn't do anything you didn't do. You really REALLY need to step back from this situation. If not then that woman is very likely to get legal advice on how to keep you away from her. You are obsessive and potentially dangerous.

The last line of that makes no sense and shows how messed up your thinking is. This man can still have a family with someone else if he wishes. Nothing stopping him. Imagine if you had gotten pregnant 5 or 6 years ago? He'd have still been an addict. You'd have still been off and on, and he most likely still would have gotten this woman pregnant.

You're making out like he's some poor innocent who has been snared and trapped by a devious woman. Despite NOTHING about her behaviour to suggest that. In fact she appears to be doing all she can to keep him out of her life.

amdublin

QUOTE: "I’m only comparing us cuz y’all are saying she’s more mature than me but I acquired a college degree in my early 20s. I had moved out of home, learned to drive and was free to do loads of travelling because I was responsible about birth control. Meanwhile she lives with her parents, doesn’t drive, works a job that I wouldn’t even apply for........"

Ehhhh. So, friggin what??????!!!! WTF with all of this. This is craziness. Go away and mind your own business. This woman is nothing to do with you now.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306336#Comment_120306336

Why is she getting all of this anger? Your boyfriend had sex with her too. He was only interested in using a younger woman for sex. He was the one who put the condom on,yes? Did he put it on properly? All the rest - fake DNA results, lying about the dad- is the version you have come up with. Why this venom towards her and not your boyfriend? What she does and what options she chose are hers to make and nothing to do with you and not for you to judge.

The girl didn't do anything wrong. You are focusing on the wrong thing and directing all your anger in the wrong place.

Again, as said before you really should make an appointment with your GP with a view to finding a counsellor who can help you unravel all that's in your head. You can get passed this and you can resolve it, with the right help.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

You're coming across anything but stable here OP. Again id repeat your need for fairly immediate therapy.

It's very clear now why this normal sounding woman is going to extreme lengths to distance herself from both of you. No child deserves to be burdened with your levels of toxicity. Please leave her be.