Absolutely heartbroken
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02-03-2023 1:01am#1
I don't even know where to start. I've been on and off with a man for over ten years now. He's been trying to convince me to have kids with him for years and I suppose I often thought I would in the future but I kept pushing it off. He slept with a girl 8 years younger than me a couple of times during our "off periods" over the years and on one of the occasions the condom apparently broke. When he found out she was pregnant a few months later he asked her if it was his and she denied it. I was back with him at this stage and was so unbelievably relieved. After the child was born and looked alot like my boyfriend he insisted she do a DNA test. She claims the test she did on them was free (I certainly cant find any free paternity testing services).....he said the kit looked legit and he was present when she posted it. She then gave him results a few days later that look pretty fake to me (could easily be copied and pasted from some sample letter online) saying he's not the father. I can work out from her due date that she most likely got pregnant the week of the condom breaking incident. I'm so unbelievably positive that the child is his. When I question him about his feelings on this he says he thought it was his to but doesnt understand why she'd deny it if it was. I suspect he is the father, she knows hes the father and the DNA test was some kind of scam because she was scared for him to know....
Part of the reason I've postphoned having kids with him is he's been pretty unstable and had addiction issues in the past so maybe thats why? Maybe it's because of his relationship with me? Maybe it's because she doesnt want to share the child? My boyfriends stance on it is that he wants to be a Dad so bad and he'd be happy the child was his but that he'd regret that it was with her rather than me. He said he'd want to be there for the child but not the mother and wants to be with me and have a family with me. I accused her of faking the DNA test and she claims she didnt but then said we can do another one if I want and wanted to know if im going to leave her alone after the second test is done even if he is the father. I dont understand why she'd say this unless the first test was fake.....my boyfriend thinks shes messing with my head to punish me for picking a fight with her about it but in my mind it all matches up perfectly.
The timing, the condom breaking, the child looks like him, she said the test was free but I can't find any free ones, the results look fake and she isnt co operating with regards to proving they are legit, she isn't explaining who the childs father is just says its none of our business. I am so unbeliveably heartbroken thinking that after all the time Ive invested in him his first child ends up being with her :( I feel like I don't even need to see the results because I'm so sure he's the father. As far as I know he isn't pushing for another test and just wants to move on with his life with me and she is also saying lets go our seperate ways. He's in a much better place nowadays then when he got her pregnant and I was literally planning to try to get pregnant with him in the very near future before I found out about all of this but now I'm so confused. Should I push for another test even though I'm fairly confident I know he is the father and it's going to destroy me or should I stay out of it and be thankful shes lying to him instead of trying to involve him (I think he would want to take part) but then I have to live wondering if shes gona come back some day with a confession. Is she gona tell the child when theyre older? Or is she planning to keep it a secret forever? I can't even believe im in this situation and have to make this decision. Should I even be still planning to have kids with him? Part of me wants to run now because I cant bear the thought of him parenting her child if I end up being right....another part of me wants to have the multiple kids I wanted with him in an attempt to "beat" her..but also because that was my original plan and should I let her change it for me? I cried so hard when I realised how impossible it is that the kid isnt his. And her being so much younger than me I feel like if I stayed and had his kids I'll be worrying for the rest of my life that he will some day swap me for his other much younger baby mama although I do have much more history and a bond with him......I think......
My heart is actually broken. It's like the future I planned for myself has died. I can get over him sleeping with her since we wernt even together but the fact that there is an actual reminder now (the child) for me for the rest of my life and they are now kind of tied to each other for life.....before me and him were even tied to each other for life. My mental health wasnt the best before all this and oh god this **** is really just pushing me over the edge completely. Sorry about the rambly, badly written post. My head is melted from stressing about this.
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Comments
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First of all, there was never any broken condom. That's a load of bull. I mean what, did it break with someone else too? Why would she need a test if she was having sex with condoms but it only broke with one guy? Is she trying to say she slept with some other guy without condoms and your BF with condoms and that's how she wasn't sure?
Cuz I don't buy that either. She likely also had another guy on the go or one who showed up soon after and was having unprotected sex with both, got pregnant and both her and your BF REALLY wanted it to not be his so they could cut ties and focus on their other person but when that didn't work, they tried to come up with some story that doesn't make both look like slappers who were each sleeping around unproducted and then went all shocked Pikachu face when it ended in disaster.
I think you're very naive and shouldn't trust any of the people involved here. You are very upset but you didn't screw up your life having an illegitimate child - they did. You can totally create a future for yourself without all this BS in the background, if you are willing to surrender all the drama and see this guy for who he really is - a double talking Don Juan type who is playing you for a fool.
'The condom broke' is like when my Ma found a bag of weed in my room and I said was just minding it for a friend. I mean I guess it does happen but you could probably stretch a Trojan across the Liffey before it would break, and most also have spermicide on them. While I have had times where I had to check and thought it might have broken, it never has. More common to slip. This wasn't some one in a million chance on a night stand, they were riding like rabbits and not using any protection.
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Why would she need a test if she was having sex with condoms but it only broke with one guy?
Because it would still be possible to be pregnant by the other guy.
They say condoms are only 98% with perfect use. I don't know why they fail the other 2% of the time, perhaps it's when they break without the people noticing, but if someone got pregnant when sleeping with 2 men around the same time then the only way to know for sure would be a DNA test.
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I thought the condom breaking thing sounded a bit suspicious to just since its so unlikely what were the chances of it happening to them and whilst she was ovulating? But also to be honest it happened to me when I was 16 with a different boyfriend that the condom broke and I got the morning after pill so maybe he's telling the truth :(
I think he wanted the child to be his to be honest apart from the hassle that it would cause with me.........
If shes lying and I'm pretty confident that she is I'm just stressed about what her long term plan is.......is she really gone for good?
and can I really keep this a secret? like can I really play dumb and pretend I believe her rather then tell him she's lying through her teeth and he needs to do another test (for his own sake.......he insisted on her doing the first DNA test so he obviously does want to know the truth)
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You have no attachment to this man, youve no kids together, youre not married & im assuming youve no mortgage together? this situation only effects you because youve decided it does. I know you love him but 10 years of drama & off & on again with no security or growth in your relationship & youre still going around on this merry go round with him, that tells me you have your own issues to work through so maybe instead of trying to fix him or obsessing over this other woman and the child that may or may not be his, maybe you should focus on yourself and moving on from all of this drama. Youd think after 10 years the penny would have dropped that this relationship is never going to be what you want it to be, how much longer are you going to spend on this? Will you still be trying to make things work with him when youre 50? or 70? Are you really going to waste another 10 years on this man? Does he ejaculate money or something? Im just failing to see what his appeal his.. says he wants kids with you but cant even be secure in a relationship with you, has addiction issues... Move on!!
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