Friend abandoned me at a concert

VonLuck

I've this very close friend who I would consider a bit of a socialite. He loves a night out, and plenty of drinks. At the weekend I invited him to come along to a concert. I thought he might be vaguely interested in seeing the band, but I knew he'd say yes because he's always looking for an excuse to go out and drink.

Early on in the night everything was great. Both in good form, enjoying ourselves. When we arrived at the venue we bumped into a few random people and got chatting. I was being friendly, but he would literally talk to anyone and get entertainment from it.

I'd say about maybe a quarter of the way through the concert, he drifted away from me. He was hanging around with the group from earlier, mainly chatting to the woman who he had eyed up before. I left him be for a while and figured he'd come back. He did, but only to hand me a drink when it was huis round and he went off again! I was pretty annoyed by this as I was just standing there in the middle of the venue surrounded by strangers.

It reached a point where it was time to go home and I couldn't find him anywhere. I tried texting him and calling him but heard nothing from him. I was furious as he was supposed to be staying with me. I ended up going home on my own and leaving keys outside for him so he could get in. The next day he told me he had bumped into another group of random people and was just chatting to them for the night.

It's not the first time he's done this, so maybe I should have expected it. Do I have any right to be annoyed or is it just something I have to accept is his personality? I did end up giving him an earful on the night because he bailed on me, but he still left me on my own afterwards. I'll be honest in saying that it really tainted the night as I like going to concerts to enjoy the experience with someone else and to recall good memories with them, which I definitely don't have from this night!

Jim_Hodge

Sounds like you know what he's like. If he's not the type you can depend on just move on and let him be.

osarusan

If you wanted to experience it with somebody and make good memories, why did you go with somebody you already knew would only go for the booze and the chance to chat to everybody?

It is pretty ignorant of him to do it, but I'd just let it go and invite somebody else next time. Don't put yourself in a position where you get pissed off at him doing what you already knew he was going to do.

The bit I would bring up is about not letting him stay at your place any more - leaving out keys for him until if/when he arrives is a bit risky

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058289033/friend-abandoned-me-at-a-concert

I thought he might be vaguely interested in seeing the band, but I knew he'd say yes because he's always looking for an excuse to go out and drink.

Seems like you already knew why he came with you to see a band he had no real interest in. You already knew what he was like and you still asked him? You must have been stuck. That's not his fault.

Did he tell you not to follow him ? Was it possible for you to hang out with his friends. Or did you giving him a ticket come with the proviso he was to stay with you for the whole concert?

If anyone put that condition explicitly on me I'd tell them to shove it. Basically, were you being socially awkward?

rolling boh

Seems like your 'friend' sees these nights out as an opportunity to meet people rather than just enjoying a concert with a friend so while it was very bad manners to do what he did just don't invite him to similar things in the future.Hang out with him if you want but he doesn't seem to behave like a close friend to you .You don't mention your age group which might be relevant because friends come and go at various stages I think .

TheadoreT

I dunno, I think you're expecting a bit too much from him here. You can't expect someone to love all the same things you do.

Feels like he treated the concert sort of like a nightclub, you did pre drinks and hung out/chatted before getting there and then he went on the pull there, which imo is fair enough, he obviously wasn't into the band too much.

If getting a bit excitable/flighty late in a night is his biggest character flaw, I wouldn't judge him too hard.

HazeDoll

If I had gone to an event of any sort with a person, or even as part of a small group, I would definitely consider it bad manners to ditch them. It would be extremely bad manners to not bother to re-connect before the end of the night.

I wonder are you a reliable, faithful friend, OP? The sort of friend a person knows will put up with this sort of thing? I'll run around, flitting from group to group, the life and soul of the party looking for the coolest people to hang out with and making shallow connections. You'll be there when the I need you because you're a good person and you take friendships seriously.

I think your feelings are very justified. The thing is you can't control your friend's behaviour. You could have a chat and say 'Look, this might sound like a whingey teenager but you're always very quick to ditch me in social situations and it really doesn't feel great.' That's unlikely to achieve anything though.

Realistically, you can make sure you're not in a position like that again. It will take some adjustment but you can still have a proper close friendship, just on different terms.

The important thing now is to make sure you realise that your friend's behaviour doesn't reflect on you. Just because somebody treats you like an afterthought doesn't mean you're insignificant. It sounds like a but of pop-psychology waffle but it's very easy to internalise these things, when in fact it's all external. You're allowed to be hurt but you need to give yourself a stern talking-to if you catch yourself thinking you deserve to be treated like this.

YellowLead

When he came back with the drink for you he should have said, I’m just over here with those people from earlier, come join us. At the end he shoud have come found you / phoned you as he knew he was staying at yours, that wasn’t cool.

It does sound like you knew what his behaviour was like from previous experience and that he wasn’t into the band, so I don’t know why it was a surprise. I’d say don’t repeat the experience with just the two of you.

Count Dracula

I think you are overthinking your relationship with an obvious extrovert who you brought to a gig with you.

What do you like about your friendship?

He certainly should have texted you or phoned to say where the after party was, that was lousy behaviour.

Your friend won't change his behaviour, he can't. The only thing you can control about your friendships' is how much friendship you should put into them. If you keep doing what you do, you will keep getting what you get.

I would not be happy if a friend of mine was spending time, obsessing online with strangers about his perception about how I behaved at a concert? Friends like that are a complete drag and are a nightmare to deal with.

The tone of your post indicates to me that you are sick of his behaviour. That is allowed. You either want to be that friend or you don't.

Hannibal_Smith

There is no way on earth I would go to a concert with someone and leave the person I went with and the person I was supposed to be staying with on their todd.

I'd say you're justified in being annoyed, I think it's really bad form. At least he came back for the round mind you. Did he at any stage ask you to join him with the other crowd? If he did and you declined it puts a slightly different slant on it.

Its really sad letting go of friendships but just maybe stop and ask yourself the next time you're tempted to ask him to something. Remember how he'd leave you by yourself at the drop of a hat. And go from there.

Strumms

If i invite a person to a concert or I’m in receipt of the invite…I go because…

1.. I want to see the band.

2.. I want to see it with that particular friend.

you can be an extrovert and still respect and value friendships…

problem is with a lot of extroverts, I know one, a family member and at any event a similar situation might develop for a time all be it they wouldn’t disappear all night.. just ‘work the room’ for a bit…. Not unusual to hear.. “ hey, where is H gone ? “ “ Ohhh he’s over talking to some people at the bar “… odd phenomenon and you hear on the way back his whole delighted story of him bumping into X people and they say this and that and one of them does…. Zzzzzzz…

radiotrickster

I'm gobsmacked at some of the responses here. If you go to a gig with someone, surely you stay with that person for the night? You went out together, you stay together and enjoy it together. I can't imagine leaving my friend alone while I hang out with strangers instead.

OP, you're definitely right to feel annoyed at it all in my book. If the friend didn't want to see the band, they should have told you "thanks but no thanks." But now your friend has told you who they are by doing this, so make sure you listen and don't invite them to a gig again.

Jim2007

I’m 60 years old and one of the few useful things I have learned is that you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. If a situation or people are making you unhappy then you have to make the changes because there are very few people around that are going to do it for you.

You clearly knew what this person is like, but you still went ahead anyways and no surprise, he did exactly as you expected, so your disappointment and upset is on you. You can give yourself a free pass the first couple of times something goes wrong, but after that it really is up to you to make the changes necessary to make you happy.

Bottom line - that should be the last time you let this happen. It does not mean you have to cut him out of your live completely just don’t get yourself into situations where you are depending on him to make you happy.

Tork

If you ever read these forums, you might've seen the comment "When somebody tells you who they are, you should listen". I'm sorry your friend ditched you like this and I can understand why your nose is out of joint. But he has form when it comes to this sort of thing, so is it really that much of a surprise that he did this again? I just hope that the venue has a separate bar area because there is nothing more infuriating and inconsiderate than people yakking to their mates when you're there to enjoy the music.

All I can suggest is that you don't bring this guy to any more gigs if you're depending on having somebody with you. If he was your last resort and you don't have any other gig buddies, then maybe you need to get used to going to gigs by yourself. He also might not be the friend you think he is and you might be asking too much of him. I'm not saying that you should fall out with him or anything as drastic as that. Instead, accept that he's entertaining company but not somebody to rely on.

VonLuck

I guess it's hard to translate a whole story through a few words on a forum, but I probably should clarify a few things.

He wasn't always like this, at least I've never noticed it before. It seems like he's only behaved this way in the past year or so. I know he's had some relationship problems with an unhealthy one ending a while back. I'm not sure if it's related. We are the best of mates otherwise. Always messaging each other and meeting up for drinks, coffee, cinema etc. Talk about life's problems that I tend not to with other people. Oh and we are both men, in our thirties if that's relevant.

Also, he did jokingly mention before we went that I shouldn't worry, "I won't wander off this time"!

The venue was all standing, so maybe that's part of the reason he went off chatting to people. If it was seated it would obviously be a different story.

For those of you who asked, no, he never asked me to go and join him and the people he was chatting to. I guess I could have easily moved over to them, but I wasn't there to shimmy off to the side and chat to complete strangers that I'd never see again!

On one hand I feel like I'm overreacting but at the same time I think it's just because it's him and that he probably has never felt on his own on a night out. He's the kind of person who would strike up a conversation with someone in the gym, bus stop, shop queue - whatever! I'm pretty social myself, but he's a whole new level.

zoobizoo

Ok - I've been a ditcher in the past (don't do it anymore) but generally ditching of groups when I'm out.... I would go out and the evening is grand... then I bump into someone who might be more interesting or someone I know from a different circle and I get chatting to them and my focus changes. There's nothing stopping the 'ditchees' from getting involved and join in.

There has usually been a story behind the ditching (I've bumped into people who have made a great offer of a party or there has been a female involved). It's never intentional (I wouldn't go out with the intention of doing it) and always alcohol has reduced my levels of empathy for the ditchees.

That said 30 years ago, I had the opportunity to ditch my best mate on his birthday to go to a private party with Bono, Edge and their female friend who had taken a shine to me.... I didn't do the ditching and I still wonder how that night would have ended up!

So to the OP, there is always the chance you'll be ditched. But there is always the chance that you yourself can get involved with more people.

Or find a better gig buddy who will stick with you during the evening.

Airyfairy12

Sounds like he's super avoidant & moves around doing whatever suits himself, doesnt attach himself to you or anyone, youre not as close as you think you are, just take hime with a pinch of salt, he's a good time, fairweather friend, probably a bit of an alcoholic whose very emotionally immature. Its not personal, its just who he is. Go to parties with him & drinking with mutual friends, dont expect to be able to rely on him because he's not capable of being dependable.

Hyperbollix

A mate's brother was just like this when we were all early 20's. He was an extreme extrovert. His brother, me and the rest of the core group were more introverts. We would spend most of the night in each other's company wherever we went, you could be guaranteed that the brother would go missing the minute we arrived and the next time you'd see him would be in the taxi 6/8 hours later!

He meant no harm, he was just wired differently. His buzz was meeting new people and talking shíte to whoever would listen. Your mainly talking about young men in this scenario. Some are going to enjoy a night out with their friends, some are only out to disappear and go chase women (lets call a spade a spade) and then enjoy recounting the evening's events later on. Someone like this is grand when in a large group, but personally I wouldnt go out with a lad like this on my own.