Husbands Mental health

chesterjake222

Myself (34F) and my husband (36M) are married 4 years and together about 20 (we split in the early days and dated other people and got back together) we have 2 kids (5 and 6). 

Husband, let's call him Ben. Ben didn't have a great childhood and also has undiagnosed GAD and probably OCD or ADHD 

5 years ago Ben developed a delusion that I am cheating on him. This started small but it grew and grew. I would try my best to reassure him and clear away any of the ‘evidence’ he had, eg why I looked up certain things on my google, why I shaved my legs before I went to work (I work in a residential home with young people and my shifts include sleepovers) but there was also things i couldn't ‘prove ‘ to him, like why im online at the same time the man, he thinks i'm cheating with is online, or snapchat accounts he believed I created to talk to other people (which i haven't, I have set up Snapchat in the past but solely for the kids to mess with the filters) or a random number that was on my old phone, from years ago, that now is not on whats app, I can't remember all the random numbers on my phone. Anyway the list goes on and on. It became so bad he would track me, use hidden voice recorders in my bag going to work ( he believed I brought someone to my job to have sex when the service users were sleeping! ) he hacked into my Google account, backed up my phone to his email, and during his episodes he would constantly accuse me and ask me questions. All this while working and having 2 very young kids was beyond exhausting. 

In saying that, he wasn't constantly like this, he would have episodes that could last 2 days to 4 weeks or more. It escalated one night and he went to the hospital and got seen by a psychiatrist and put on antipsychotics and SSRI’s . He was stable for a short while and then it returned. Fast forward to now, I kicked him out as this was the longest and most heightened and aggressive episode to date and I couldn't take much more, also the kids are bit older now and noticing things, like him shouting at mammy or him being so preoccupied with trying to find ‘evidence’ on me etc.  He is currently in a homeless shelter and I had to leave my job temporarily as I have nobody to mind the kids while on sleepovers, so I am only receiving social welfare(very little) 

So, I came here as I am so confused, beyond devastated and angry and at a loss. I am confused as deep down I know he is mentally unwell and I should be showing him empathy and giving him space to heal. I love him with all my heart and sole. But also to have your husband not trust you for this long and all his behaviour to date (he said some VERY VERY nasty things to me) I don't know if I can take him back and withstand more of it. But he is trying to help himself by taking medication and therapy. Anyone experience something similar or anyone with advice, I'm at rock bottom here! 

To add if anyone is thinking it, No I haven't cheated at all, I have not texted or contacted or met anyone that he doesn't know about! 

TLDR; Husband is mentally ill, however I don't think I can take any more of his accusations. But I truly love him and so deeply confused and hurt. 

xzanti

Reading your post I feel genuinely concerned for you to be honest.

Tracking devices, verbal abuse, verbal abuse in earshot of your children?

I couldn't in all conscience give you any advice other than to stay separated; for your sake and for your children's sake.

That's my personal feeling on it.

Kalimah

You poor thing. I can't imagine how difficult that is for you with two small kids. I hope you have some support from family and friends. I would echo the advice above - stay separated for the kids sake and for your own. That was an intolerable situation you were in.

TheadoreT

OP please don't take him back, you'll never feel close to comfortable with someone that paranoid.

I'd actually be concerned for you or any new partners in the futures safety. Don't hesitate to involve the guards if it escalates any further.

Iseedeadpixels

Don't take him back because the stuff he is doing will end up destroying your mental health, you gotta look after yourself and your kids first.

rustynutz

I think you are giving him a break by putting this behaviour down to his mental health. Your post reads like the start of a crime story where the husband eventually ends up Hurting either his wife, his wifes new partner, his kids, or all of the above. I'm not saying this to alarm you, but to maybe give you some perspective. There is only so much you can do for someone you love, it sounds like you have done all you can here, and you need to cut him loose before he brings ye all down.

Good luck

JupiterKid

OP - I too would be very concerned for you and your children's well-being and safety given the extremes your partner has gone to.

If I were you I would make a written log of the things he has been doing - pretty much what you wrote in your post here and any other details - and have there ready for social services and if needs be, the Gardai.

I don't mean to alarm you - but those actions you described are those of a deeply disturbed and potentially dangerous person with a very warped and jealous mind.

HazeDoll

You are so courageous for having taken decisive action. It's clear that you are not blind to the seriousness of the situation and I might be wrong about this but it looks like you were a boiling frog, adapting to increasingly bizarre behaviour until the parameters of a 'normal' relationship were a distant memory.

Obviously he's not at all well and this is openly acknowledged. It's not like he has an injury or a virus or something though. His illness could, as others have pointed out, result in harm to others.

Your priority has to be your own safety and your children's safety. You are not equipped to help him. You might feel able to cope because you have coped in the past, but that is the boiling frog talking.

Think of the possible worst-case-scenario consequences for every possible course of action. Which set of consequences would you find it hardest to live with? If something happened to you or your kids would you be able to console yourself with 'Well, at least nobody can say I didn't do my best for my delusional and dangerous husband'?

GAD, ADHD or OCD don't explain his persistent delusions. I'm basing this on the very few cases I know of personally but the impression I have is that these episodes get worse, not better, over time. This sounds incredibly heartless but in your situation I would cut my losses and put as much distance between us as possible, geographically as well as in relationship terms.

chesterjake222

Thank you all for your replies. The boiling frog reference is so relatable, j have never heard of it before. Sometimes it's only when you shine a light or write it down and get outside perspective that it hits you on the face how bad it is.

Girl Geraldine

The marriage here is over, it has been a long time. This is downright abuse and pretty bad abuse at that. Mental health can explain it to some degree but that does not excuse it or mean you should have to take it. he is a danger to you and the children.

Do right by yourself and the children by ending it.

This man is so unpredictable and mentally volatile that you don't know what he will do. Stuff like the Hawe family tragedy in Cavan starts off like this.

As others have said, take steps to put yourself and the children out of harms way. Move if you need to. Warn family and friends of the dangers he poses and warn them not to give him any information on the whereabouts or movements of you or the children.

Contact the Gardai and tell them you are in fear. Get a protection/safety/barring order. And get divorced.

I am sorry but I don't buy the mental health card as a reason to go easy on coercive abusers. Too many tragedies are passed off as MH.

Augme

Be very careful about listening to random advice on boards.ie. Some of the advice given could led to potential criminal charges against you. You can't just take your children and run away. Also, just because you contact your the Gardai and say your in fear doesn't really prove anything. Firstly, are you genuinely in fear? What has he done since the separation that could potentially be deemed as a threat to you or you children? Contact a family law solicitor before you take any drastic action.

As for the rest, it's an almost impossible scenario to give advice on tbh. What I will say is, that feeling angry and pissed off at him is perfectly normal and understandable. Don't feel bad about that at all.

I'm not saying you should take him back, but for him to get better he needs to engage with mental health professionals and there needs to be a serious commitment on his side that there is something wrong and he is willing to fix try and fix it.

I do wish the both of you the best of luck.

Girl Geraldine

His mental illness is not the OPs problem to solve, especially when he is abusing her and making her life hell with all sorts of spruious delusional allegations being made against her by him.

If I were here, I'd wash my hands of him and cut him loose.

From what I have heard, these types of paranoid jealous personalities never change. It might go on cold storage for a while, but ultimately they are what they are. Putting these thoughts in cold storage is arguably even more dangerous because there is no way of predicting when a psychotic violent outburst might occur.

...Ghost...

Reading the replies here boils my p1ss. The OTT "advice" when completely dismissing the "undiagnosed" problems the OPs Husband allegedly has.

OP, I agree with the general advice that you need to consider first the health and safety of you and your kids.

Now, you have for the most part made that happen by removing him from the house. This was the best thing to do under the circumstances.

The next thing to consider is what (if anything) can be done to stabilise your Husband and have this maintained. Is it the "undiagnosed", or is he just a twisted, jealous and bitter man. If he is the former, then you need to consider if you are willing and able to fight for your marriage and your childrens Dad. This is not a decision you should take lightly, so take the time you need and get professional advice. A few strangers on Boards with pitch forks and a noose is not the advice I would be taking, no matter how good an analogy they conjured up.

Your Husband is probably just a controlling A55hole with a chip on his shoulder who deserves to be alone, but that is not for a stranger online to decide, as we don't know you and we don't know him. We certainly don't know if he is ill, as you have just posted what you suspect he is ill with.

I'm not telling you what you should do about your relationship, except to say that you are too close and hurt to be able to think clearly. So, take the time you need and seek professional advice. I hope it works out for you and yours, whatever decision you make.

What you have described is a case of coercive control, and not explained alone by any of those diagnoses, liking stemming from his bad childhood. It’s been a horrendous situation for you, and as others here say, it could prove disastrous to take him back. I would have a talk to the Gardai to at least let them know the situation and the importance of responding quickly just it ever come to that.

marilynrr

Hi OP, this is very worrying.

It has echos of the recent case in the news of a man with similar delusions which ended in the death of Jasmine McMonagle.

Is he seeing the kids at the moment? My ex had a serious breakdown when we split up but luckily he didn't want the kids to see him like that and he wasn't a guardian so I didn't have to let him take them. I was terrified, I spoke to my kids school to make sure that he wasn't able to take them if he showed up. Have you spoken to your childrens school?

So, I came here as I am so confused, beyond devastated and angry and at a loss. I am confused as deep down I know he is mentally unwell and I should be showing him empathy and giving him space to heal.

Honestly. being angry and detached is in your best interests at the moment. It's not safe to have him home. Maybe in future, after therapy/treatment/diagnosis etc. but not now. You don't sound like you're lacking in empathy at all!!

If it were you who was mentally ill and behaving like this then I'm sure you would want your husband to protect the children too.

Girl Geraldine

Jamine McGonagle, yes.

You could add to that list, Rachel Callely (killed by notoriously emotionless and cold blooded wife killer Joe O'Reilly), Celine Cawley (murdered by husband Eamonn Lillis). Delores McCrea (murdered and cremated in the back garden by a jealous husband), Valerie French-Kilroy (killed by her jealous psychopath husband, James Kilroy).

All these women started out with trouble just like the OP. They didn't get out in time.

Legitimate Mental health issue, or just plain evil and jealousy (mad or bad) is not really much of a worthwhile distinction here, both could easily end up with OP dead.

Coercive control and jealousy is relationships is one of the most horrible possible traits, regardless of it stemming from mad vs bad. I think there should be zero tolerance for it and anyone exhibiting it ought to be dumped, barring ordered, divorced and prosecuted. There are so, so many women and children down through the years killed by these types of assholes.

I don't believe that these traits are fixable or treatable by any amount or type of therapy or medication. I think they are hopeless cases that ought to excised from the lives of those they abuse and torment.

chesterjake222

Hi , I just want to thank everyone who commented on my post. The whole situation blew up shortly after my post.

I was so blind by what I thought love was and so manipulated by him that I couldn't see how bad my situation was! He is still very mentally unwell, however there is no excuse for the actions and behaviour he directed at me over years and years.

I am in such a better place now that I feel relief from not being in a relationship with him and am a much calmer parent now, as im not in a constant state of adrenaline trying to reassure and explain myself to him.

If anyone told me the same story as mine I would be shocked they didn't run away long ago, but its so complex and so hard to see reality when your in the middle of it all! He was abusing me for so long and now I'm free!!! ( I am aware that I'm still at the centre of his delusional thoughts which is still very dangerous and will be maybe forever.) The recent Dr. Cassidy Casefiles on RTE really shines a light on the fatalities of domestic violence and I am aware that my ex displays a lot of these characteristics of some of the men in the documentary had.

I just wanted to come and say thank you, you opened my eyes to how bad he was abusing me!

Dial Hard

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well, OP. Have you told family/friends the extent of his behaviour or spoken to the Gardai? I really, really think you should get this on the record somewhere. Also, counselling for yourself at some stage, you are processing a lot.

Virgin Media did a three-part series on domestic violence fatalities a while back, I think watching it would give you further perspective on what you've been through.

Stay strong, be kind to yourself and mobilise your support network. I guarantee you your friends and family noticed a lot more of what was going on than you may have thought at the time.

HazeDoll

Well done OP! Would you believe I had thought of you a couple of times since your last post in March? It's great to see you have made such huge progress out of a bad situation.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine whose sister (who, admittedly, I barely know) has recently left a bad marriage. My friend told me that her sister had said to her that she was astonished at how many people went out of their way to express support and offer practical help. People she had drifted away from as her marriage had deteriorated, friends she had let down and thought she had lost for good, came out of the woodwork to say 'How can I help?' The sister had been so intent on coping and keeping a lid on things in order to survive her husband's abuse that she had forgotten that she had a dormant network of friends who hadn't given up on her.

So I suppose that's my advice now. Get in contact with people, tell them as much as you feel they need to know and let them support you.

I think I'd be looking for professional help in dealing with your husband. You mightn't be in a position to disappear from his life because you have children together so you'll need to be very careful about managing contact so you don't compromise your safety. My instinct would be to keep things very cold. Don't give him the slightest reason to hope for a future together, he might fixate on that.

Bobtheman

Sometimes these TV shows give an exaggerated view of what might happen. They are not an accurate guide. Culture of fear is created that has no real basis in reality.

Your husband has a medical team. If he gives permission to talk to them they can let you know where he is in relation to sorting this out.

That's assuming he is interacting with GPS etc.

Documentaries or random news stories are not a guide

chesterjake222

Thank you for your replies. I do have a protection order in place and the Garda in my local station know the situation. I opened up to not only my family and friends but also past friends and colleagues. As HazeDoll said they all are SUPER supportive and I was overwhelmed by the love people had for me, going above and beyond. I am even grateful for his family, as they were supportive to me throughout this too.

I will in time get professional help, right now I'm settling my children back into school and a new life and I hope to start back work soon. Also guiding my children through this trauma is my priority right now.

Even strangers on the internet have reached out to me and it is just so nice having support circle, even if it is just to rant! I read a few posts of similar situations before I posted mine and it pushed me to post. So I hope my post helps someone else realise how bad their situation actually is and to get out before its too late. Late not only being a tragic ending but also wasting your life with someone who doesn't truly love you and all of you! There are so many organisations and support out there to help anyone looking for help! Dont be afraid to seek help!

chesterjake222

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121182233#Comment_121182233

how does it not have basis in reality when the documentaries are based on REAL women being killed by REAL men! The documentaries that were talked about in this post are not being exaggerated, we arnt talking about a Hollywood thriller movies.

Yes he has a medical team that advised me to get a protection order and also advised me of the potential dangers that individuals with these mental health issues can have on people around them.

Bobtheman

The documentaries are worst case.

I never said they were not real

They are not how these cases normally work out. There are probably a couple of thousand protection orders in place in Ireland. Documentaries will focus on a handful of cases that end tragically.

A handful

But obviously his medical team know best.

My apologies. I did not mean to add to your worries.