Is this it?

I am writing this letter to look for peoples thoughts. I am 37 years old and I’m struggling with interest in life or to see the point in it. On the face of it everything looks good from the outside, I have a good job, my own house, no financial worries, no complications but I’m not happy.

I’ve changed career in the last year and I’m currently 8 months in my new job, I’m good at it and I’m progressing well but I don’t like the job, I don’t find it interesting or satisfying. When I discuss leaving to return to my previous job, nearly everyone I’ve spoken thinks it’s a bad idea, the move would leave me about ten minutes’ drive from home compared to 50 min but about 15k a year worse off and no benefits. The previous job was physically hard with not much progression. I had gone as high as I could go. This is some of the reason I’ve moved. The other reason I changed was the fact I needed to prove to myself that I could progress in my work life, which I suppose I’ve done. I’m unsure if I would be physically able to do my previous job until I retire. The part of going back that appeals the most to me is the closeness to home and that I know the job very well.

Time seems to be the scarcest thing in my life, I can never seem to get enough of it to do all the things that interest me, I have the best half of my life lived and I’ve seen quite a few people retire who have who don’t get to enjoy any of it due to illness. I don’t want to look back on my life in my 60’s and say l should have done this or that.

I seem to be introverted and struggle to break the ice with new people. Many people describe me a quiet which I wouldn’t describe myself as so. I have a few hobbies but they are all solitary. The thoughts of joining clubs doesn’t appeal to me as I seem to lose interest after attending a few times. Its not enjoyable to try and make small talk with new people. If I get invited to a wedding or event, I find it causes me anxiety for 4 or 5 days beforehand, so I tend to avoid going. If I go out for a night, it will be somewhere quiet and less busy so I can chat with my friends without interruption or so I can sit at the bar. I has been pointed out to me before that I have very little joy in my life and have a tendency to overthink situations a lot. I am comfortable in my own skin and don’t mind going places on my own but I was hoping there is a bit more enjoyment to be had by going with someone else.

Relationship wise its been several years since I’ve even gone on a date, It took me a long time to get over my previous long term relationship of 4 years, we had been living together at the time. This finished when I was 30. It wasn’t the greatest relationship and caused a lot of strife for me. I worked a lot after that ended in my early 30’s to save for a house which I’ve managed to do. Now I’m starting to think I may have left it too late for a relationship/ family or that it may never happen.

What’s brought this to a head is the fact that I’ve gone on a date recently and it hasn’t worked out. It was only one date that was set up by one of my friends, I felt we got on well but the other person wasn’t interested when I asked them out again. I was quite disappointed over that. I thought this might have been a turning point. I do realize that its not up to someone else to be in charge of my happiness or provide it for me.

I don’t know what questions I’m asking or answers I’m looking for, maybe I just needed to write it all down? Reading back through this my problems seem small compared to some but seem big to me. Thanks.

TheadoreT

You seem highly resistant to change, be it struggling after leaving your old job or relationship, or working a little further from home, routines seem important to you. That coupled with your difficulty with making friends or small talk, and being dismissive of hobbies outside your specialist solitary interests, I'd suggest you test to see if you're on the autistic spectrum. Finding answers here may help you negotiate future life incidents better.

And you need to date more if you can. If you only went on one in seven years since your break up you're going to be nervous and rusty. It's hard not to get into a oneitus mindset in that scenario and it's going to come across intense to the other person. If you're dating more regularly you'll hopefully not put as much hopes into a single date or person and go in with a more fun and confident attitude. These little shifts in mindset make a huge difference.

Re being too late for a relationship/starting a family I guess it depend if you're a man or woman. I assumed man but you actually didn't specify. If the assumption is right then you've no worries on that front, many men don't settle down until 40's. If a woman I guess your options are a little more limited on the family front but obviously never too late for a relationship or exploring alternative family options.

zoobizoo

I was chatting to some friends recently and one said "I'm just not a joiner" .... some people are, some aren't. Realising that, and being happy with it will take pressure off the need to go out.

"Its not enjoyable to try and make small talk with new people"

I used not be able to do small talk - not everyone is. It can take a while to learn to do it, should you want to. The benefit is this: you make small talk with 100 people across the year, 1 may turn into a friend. Maybe not a best friend, but someone you could meet up with, chat to, engage in hobbies with. EG, I was chatting to a shop owner years back - we discovered we shared the same hobby. We arranged to meet to do said hobby and we used to meet every so often for that etc. Or, got chatting to another dad in the park when my son was playing with his son. Turns out he's into music; so am I. Our sons still play together and we call over to each other's houses for them to play and us to chat. If I hadn't started small talk, it wouldn't have developed into anything.

As for the date, again, not everyone is going to get on but the more dates you go on, the more of a chance of meeting someone you click with - odds are better I guess. I've been on some shocking dates.

There's nothing wrong with going to quiet places to be able to have a conversation with friends; most of us want that when we get older. As sociable as I can be, put me in a group of more than 5 or 6 and I retreat into myself - there's too much noise.

Can I ask what type of hobbies you do that are solitary?

DownByTheGarden

I was much like yourself. Im not great at meeting people, especially getting friendly with people.

Very few dates would ever go any further than one date.

Eventually after just putting the head down and going through loads of dates. 90% bad ones i have to say, i met te right person and settled down. Then in my 40s had children and they have just made it a whole different life. Its like I had this life i was just wandering through but now there is purpose, every single day. There is reward every single day.

My job means nothing to me now tbh. Its just where i go to make money so i can have a nice family life when im not working. Prorities have shifted as has quality of life.

So if you are plodding along through your life and want more, just be aware that thats what everyone does until one day they just fall into the life that they want, almost by accident.

Goodigal

I hope you feel better having written out how you're feeling. I see so many positives in your life - your own home, financial stability, friends, interests and hobbies. You can be grateful for these things - not everyone has them.

If you think you have made a mistake with the new job, and you want to return to the old one, then do so. But you mentioned being concerned about being physically able for it, so that's on your mind already. Perhaps it wasn't the job for you after all, but there's no harm in changing your mind.

If you have solitary hobbies, and enjoy them, well don't let someone say you've very little joy in your life. You're doing something YOU enjoy. Ok, it might be nice to do something where you're chatting with others, but if you wanted to do that, I think you'd find a way OP. You come across as being quite comfortable in your own company and really there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't let the one date not being a success bring you down - there are plenty more people out there to meet. Not all first dates lead to a second one! Maybe try the apps if you want to get back on the dating scene.

You either want to push beyond your current boundaries and find a new path, or just stay in your lane and embrace the positives you already have. Nobody here is going to tell you what to do, but only you can find out. Good luck doing so!

HildaOgdenx

I had started to reply earlier but had to leave it aside. Not much to add to Goodigal's excellent post above.

I don’t know what questions I’m asking or answers I’m looking for, maybe I just needed to write it all down?

I think if you could separate things out a little, for yourself, that might help. You have lots of things going for you, from what you have written in your OP. You're obviously very self aware which is a really positive thing too.

Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees, yes it's a cliché but like lots of clichés, there's truth in it. I would suggest thrashing out for yourself, where you want to start, whether it's work life, personal life, whatever, and start with one of them. Set out clearly for yourself what it is you want to achieve and put some steps in place towards it.

But don't lose sight of all you have achieved meantime.

All the best.

Hi all,

Thanks for your reply's. With regards to the job situation I left the old job on good terms and could still go back if I decide too, I don't want to make a rash decision and regret it later either, I have a bit more thinking to do on that front. I'll reassess after a year of working there.

I do struggle with change, I like a routine as it one less think for me to think about. I like to sit in the same seat in the same pub every time and I know what I'm going have on my sandwich depending on what day of the week it is. I possibly may need to consider going for a test as TheadoreT suggested.

It has been pointed out to me before about being negative or just focusing on the negative. I do realise why I do this, if I think about every outcome of all the things that can go wrong I can prepare myself better to deal with the situation, be it work related for social related, unfortunately, this way of thinking is not productive for positive thoughts. This is another thing I'm trying to work on but it is difficult to do when things are not going well.

On the friends situation I do have some very close friends and a reasonable group of good friends I can socialise with. I am thankful for that. I am able to discuss some of the issues I have with my close friends.

I enjoy hillwalking and mountain biking, I have gone hillwalking with groups before and it was painful. It felt like an interview, "who are you, where are you from, what do you do, etc". This is why I tend to do these things on my own. Maybe I need to try a different group and give it another chance.

The dating situation has always been quite poor for most of my life, nearly all of the times that I've met people, they have spoken to me first and it has gone from there, the last date has been set up through a friend. I've had very limited success with dating app's due to the fact I have to make the first move.

I do realise there are no easy answers or magic solutions for most of these issues. A lot of the statements that I have made here are reasons why I can't do something but there are very few statements why I can do something. For something to happen or for something to change in my life it's me who needs to make these changes.

Thank you all again for your advice and kind words.

lainey_d_123

I'm the same age as you and feel exactly the same as you about all of this, except I'm a woman. I do really want to make new friends and ideally a partner, but I also find the whole small talk thing monotonous and painful.

I also feel like everything is just 'OK'. I wouldn't say I'm happy but I'm not unhappy either. I enjoy my own company, I love travelling alone, I like chilling out in the evenings with some music and working on my novel or just looking at forums or interesting stuff online. It's kind of a difficult place to be for this reason - if I were actively unhappy, it would be easier to make a change, but I'm not. It's more that I'm worried about the future and I'm aware it will only get harder and harder to find a partner the older I get. I don't feel much of a need for a partner right now, but I feel like if I don't put the work in now to meet someone, I'll be single at 45, and I'm sure that will be much harder.

I don't have much advice other than to say I understand exactly how you feel.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - As the OP appeared to have closed their account, I will close the thread.

Thanks to everyone who took time to offer advice.

Hilda.