Would you disown your child?

slither12

A hypothetical situation thankfully that most will never have to go through. People say that a parents love is the only unconditional love and while I agree it's strong, I don't think it's healthy to always stand by your children.

I've had a family member that struggled with addiction which is something which is one of the major stresses a family can face. Thankfully, that family member came out of it but I wondered how her parents and other family would deal with it if she kept on stealing and self-destructing with drugs.

There was a story I read in the States of a man in his 20s who was shot dead by his father. They gave him the best upbringing and everything went fine until he went on heroin. After years of stealing, forging cheques, drug dealing, they kicked him out. He broke in one night to steal and his father shot him. Afterwards he said he wasn't sad as he has already grieved the loss of his son who had 'died' by the time they asked him to leave.

If your kids were addicted or engaged in any other serious crime (murder, rape, child molestation) would you stand by them no matter what?

LousClues

I love my kids, and I’d like to think I will never be in this situation.

my husband and I had a conversation one night about this. We agreed if one of our kids ever did anything against the law, we would hand them over to the guards. This stems from a close family member who was involved in drugs and had people who they owed money to and the family was harassed. Loads of trouble….

Family member is still self absorbed and spoilt as their parents paid off the debts and is back home rent free with no respect for anyone.,

89897

I don't necessarily think it's disowning them but often when it gets to the point that addictions/behaviours are so bad it's in the best interest of both sides to keep distance.

A parents love may compel them to keep supporting a child that's addicted and stealing from them etc but its a kindness in the long run to take away that crutch that enables their addiction. If an addict is having their needs met there's no reason for them to seek help, we have all heard they need to hit rock bottom and make the decision for themselves to get help and its true. People can and do overcome addictions but alot alot more work has to go into repairing relationships and trust.

As for murder/rape/ child abuse that an entirely different story and I have no idea how id handle it. I really dont think i could maintain any kind of relationship regardless.

slither12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120486996#Comment_120486996

It's true but I have heard that AA and rehabs actually have a very low success rate. It seems that there's an element of confirmation bias with addiction and those that don't recover are less likely to tell their stories.

witchgirl26

I think there's a huge difference between making sure your child is held accountable if they do something wrong (illegal or just wrong) & disowning them. If (god forbid) my child ever ended up on drugs & stealing, I would be more than ok with him getting arrested for it & facing the consequences. On the other side, I'm still going to be there for him as he is still my child.

If it was something more serious like an assault, I think I would still support him as such but not excuse him or make excuses for him.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120487100#Comment_120487100

Its not incorrect but I think its very hard to measure success as relapse is part of the recovery process it depends on how engaged the person in recovery is. And how accountable they are for their relapse.

Its a very personal journey and not streamlined for most, I know a recovering alcoholic who hasnt drank in over 30 years but it took them 4/5 stints in rehab, Ive met addicts that are back in recovery centers after years of sobriety as they felt themselves slipping back into a bad place and needed to get ahead of it and some that are sober almost ten years after treatment.

I have seen that some top ranked rehab facilities have an almost 60 to 80% success rate while lower ranked ones and community programmes have a much lower one unfortunately. Ive seen some US programmes where the failure rate is 85% but I think much of that is due to the nature of the treatment they provide.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120487100#Comment_120487100

The thing, recovery from alcohol or drug addiction is not linear. It can sometimes take just one bad day to set back years of recovery. The important thing is to have places like AA & rehabs where they can get help.

My aunt was in AA for over 40 years. If you asked her up to the day she died, she would have said she was an alcoholic in recovery & wouldn't have said she'd "recovered" as it was an ongoing process.