Bored and lonely in marriage

JoChervil

OP, watching porn is an addiction as any other addiction. It is an escape route from inner problems. You need to treat him like you would treat any other addict. But most importantly you need to treat yourself first as a co-dependant person enabling his addition.

Find a good addiction therapist for yourself first to break this vicious circle.

osarusan

OP, if he had brought this much dissatisfaction into your life through some other addiction, such as alcohol or gambling, would you still be in a relationship with him?

Socially, it seems much more acceptable to end a relationship with somebody who has those kinds of addictions than a porn addiction. You'd get criticised for leaving him because 'it's only sex', even more so as a woman probably.

But it's not only sex. Its the feeling of being wanted, being considered attractive. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that, and nothing wrong with wanting sexual satisfaction.

Your husband knows you're unhappy, but does nothing about it. You've talked about it for years but nothing has changed. He has made his posiion fairly clear, and I think you know that the chance to 'fix' him is long gone. Fundamentally, he doesn't really want to have sex with you and that will never change.

So you either accept that and stay with him, or you split up and look for somebody else.

There is the messy option of finding some kind of discreet FWB (with or without your husband's knowledge or agreement) but I doubt that's something that would really make you all that happy or be a long term solution.

Iseedeadpixels

I say bring up the lack of sex in a conversation and ask him would an open relationship be an option, it might be the kick up the arse he needs or he'll agree to it.

daisyjones01

Thank you everybody for your replies-I am not sure if anyone reads when I post again but I wanted to update you all that following all of these messages, we had a really big chat on Saturday where he denied without question that he has an addiction. I was totally floored as the psychologist we saw a few years ago had literally diagnosed him with this, and also, he recognised it at the time and agreed. Or at least said he did.

So, long story short, we broke up.

I don’t know how we will manage to see this through financially-and I want to cause as little pain to our beautiful kids as is possible, but one thing is for sure, I can’t do it anymore.

I appreciate everyone’s honesty so much, and the awful hard and painful truth that so many of you said which was, he simply doesn’t want to have sex with you. And that’s basically it. I won’t change it and I can’t take the hurt anymore of it.

However, if I can make one point on many of the above posts, it is this.

So many of you were very quick to tell me I needed to try harder, tell him what I wanted, be spontaneous, or adventurous. Try watch porn with him, and even one poster saying something about not being a prude.

All of these things fully undermine what I have gone through, and lay the blame somewhat on me. I have done every single thing I could, and to lay any blame, or suggest he doesn’t want me because of something I have or haven’t done, or because I’ve changed or put on weight, well it’s not right is it? So I do think people could maybe think about that if they’ve been the ones to post anything like that. If he was addicted to alcohol-would you say it was because I was doing something wrong? And herein lies the exact problem with porn addiction, and is exactly why I can’t talk to anyone about it. Because of fear of judgement, people thinking it’s because of me, that in some way, I mustn’t be good enough. It’s so hurtful, and it encourages isolation and loneliness.

However to all those who replied showing support and honesty and understanding, thank you so much. There’s a rough road ahead I know, but it’s the right decision.

TheadoreT

Great post and and very brave decision. Someone one day will appreciate you more than he ever did. Just make sure you hold out for reciprocative efforts in all aspects of the relationship. Best of luck and strength through the next period.

evolvingtipperary101

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120520128#Comment_120520128

Male - Once I read that you had both been to therapy already I was satisfied that you had already tried really hard. That's very difficult. And you've suffered enough. You should pursue your happiness. And never doubt that that is a great message for your kids long term.

joggerjogger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058293353/bored-and-lonely-in-marriage

I wrote a step by step and detailed post here with the sex's reversed on how I (we) engaged an uninterested partner (wife) but it's been removed probably because it didn't shy away and cut too close to the bone for someone

Women are used to being chased and having the man do all the work. This is not the case here hence the struggle. The roles are reversed.

You must now do the work, all of it.

Replicate what he likes, be as attractive as you can be, flatter and spoil him, over and over. He will eventually feel desired and begin to desire once again and you will wonder why you didn't try those things sooner

Do not have an affair that's a first class way to destroy your marriage

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Warning applied for breach of charter - gender generalisations and taking issues with mod instruction on thread

daisyjones01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120521613#Comment_120521613

Actually probably the worst reply of them all tbh. Please read my last post on this thread.

homingbird

Maybe he is using porn as escapism from the financial burden ye are both carrying in a big mortgage paying for the kids education & its not about you at all.

Iseedeadpixels

Sorry to hear that you broke up, take time for yourself now, I hope it works out for you.

shesty

Well done OP.

It mightn't feel that way for you right now, but well done.

Best of luck to you and your kids.Take your time, and be nice to yourself.

Goodigal

You've tough days ahead OP, but you have taken a massive leap towards a totally different and happy future for yourself and your children. You could have listened to his denials until the day you died, but you've taken a v brave step. Well done you! Rooting for you to find happiness when you're ready.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, seeing as you've addressed your issue and are not looking for further advice I'll close this one off.

Thanks to all who took the time to offer advice

HS