Am I overthinking this?

Luttrell1975

What is your opinion of this. My partner is from another country and recently got a whatsapp voice clip off a man from her country who is a colleague. She was playing this voicemail to me, to tell me about a bad experience he had when visiting home. However he finished off by saying very sweetly in English “it’s just nice to hear your voice again”.

I raised this with her as potentially being “inappropriate” but she says he is very respectful to her and that this is an innocent expression.

I have never met him, so I have no real barometer for how he rolls.

Well, am I insane?

dinorebel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058296742/am-i-overthinking-this

Yeah totally think this is innocent the fact she played it for you should indicate that.

Luttrell1975

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120606152#Comment_120606152

Appreciate that advice, but its more that I think the intention is a bit too playful (while the partner isn’t agreeing) 😊

Senature

To me I could see why your eyebrows might be raised by the phrase.

But... if you have a good relationship and feel you can trust your partner, it shouldn't matter, even if the fella is madly in love with her, which he probably is not.

Galaxy00

I know when I haven't talked to my friends in a while/miss them, I'd say something like gosh lovely chatting to you, its being too long, maybe he meant it like that. I can see why you'd be be suspicious but there's not much you can go on here. All you can do is try trust your gf and if other evidence presents itself, then that's a different kettle of fish. For now it's just one single comment, without any thing else it doesn't have much merit

Dial Hard

Yeah, I think you're adding 2+2 and getting 10 here. It's probably a cultural thing that just didn't quite "translate" to English.

TheadoreT

The fact you raised it with her and subsequently raised it here means you've definitely got some trust issues.

For context has there been any other changes in her behaviour that has you suspicious or is just literally this one thing that's triggered you a bit? It could be completely innocuous or worrying based on that. How is the sex life? It's ridiculously common in cheating instances(emotional or otherwise) for people to tell partners about the person and play if off as just good friends. It can almost be used as a "up your game or you'll be replaced" warning.

In my opinion happy partners generally know the lines of respect and wouldn't share something like that unless they're completely gormless, not to mind entertain it in the first place.

Not having the cultural excuse myself. I speak 5 different languages and lived in those cultures, and that's flirty in all of them.

witchgirl26

I wouldn't see anything wrong with this. Think of the context - colleague had had a horrible experience at home & was glad to be back & talking to someone who might understand etc. I'd be glad to hear a friends voice after all that. I wouldn't read anything into it at all.

Hell I'm pretty sure I told my partner's friend (who I'm friends with too but hadn't seen in a while) that I was happy to see his face again & gave him a big hug. I literally just meant I was happy to see him. No subtext. No flirting. Nothing. Just glad to see & chat to a friend.

YellowLead

I think it’s definitely flirty of him for sure - but if you trust your partner I don’t see the issue.

Luttrell1975

Im grateful for all the replies, just to say my girlfriend is not interested in this guy in the slightest, I trust her entirely, I don’t think she wanted me to hear that, and I think she ignored it from the off.

The person doesn’t know we are an item, he isn’t that close to her and might think my gf is single. I am totally focussed on his motive since I suspect he might be more respectful and stay in his lane if he was appreciative of all the facts.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120610013#Comment_120610013

There's nothing there to suggest any motive of any kind on his behalf. It was a harmless polite remark.

TheadoreT

You don't start this thread if you trust her entirely, it would be a non issue. Stop lying to yourself. You said in opening post it's driving you insane. Irregardless of what his motives are if you trust her it shoudlnt matter.

Its a part of life that people will fancy your partner, depending on her looks/personality she may get hit on regularly, it happens.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120610059#Comment_120610059

This is true OP. Who cares if he fancies or wants to make a play for her of not? If you trust her I don’t understand why this is a problem for you. Do you think all it takes for a woman in a relationship to cheat is for another man to come in with tender words and - oh it’s not their fault they had no choice? She’s not powerless against his charms and if she falls for them (assuming it’s a thing) then she didn’t love you.

Im assuming this is a fairly new relationship or something???

SortingYouOut

I said the exact same thing to a friend a few weeks ago who I hadn't heard from in ages, it isn't that weird. She should be able to have a friendship with a man, you can't expect her to write off 50% of the population because of a penis in the pants. Even if he is being flirty, you say yourself that he doesn't know you're both an item and at the end of the day it is her actions that are important here.

Do not become that jealous boyfriend. It screams insecurities and that is not what you want. Be confident in yourself and trust her. If it goes the way you're worried about, so be it, you both move on. Most important thing is to always respect yourself and know your self worth and respect her too, even if it goes sour. It will stand to you.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120610013#Comment_120610013

What exactly is "staying in his lane"? All he said was it was nice to hear her voice again. I mean that is fairly inocuous as far as sentiments go. And so what if he thinks your girlfriend is single. Then it lies on her to shut down any potential problems if he does try to ask her out. Which he may never do as he might, shockingly, just also see her as a friend.

If my boyfriend was this insecure over a comment like that from a friend of mine, I would have red flags waving around my head.

Luttrell1975

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120611360#Comment_120611360

I think in two circumstances I would differ from this chap. One would be that if I did know someone, a female friend is in a relationship I don’t and wouldn’t drop in a comment that might be ambiguous or a little too personal. Second, and call me old fashioned, I figure out if someone is straight/single/interested before I go near saying I miss hearing their voice. Also, please pick up on the other comments in this thread which at minimum show other here feel it might be a little spicy.

Red flags arise for all sorts of reasons. Personally I dislike passive aggressiveness, and I admire honesty/vulnerability which as you might see are traits I try to exhibit. Self reflection are also good, and I am very trusting and confident, unlike the assumptions being levelled here. This one thing bugged me, but Id say today I don’t really mind about it as we had a good chat yesterday and we have a very good relationship where both parties say they are bugged if they are.

Eircom_Sucks

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120606152#Comment_120606152

could have played it to him to put him off a scent , women can be very devious also , so op will feel relaxed thinking it was genuine but all along there could be something going on

Mod - Warning applied. Generalisations are a breach of the PI Charter.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120612251#Comment_120612251

But the thing is, I don't think it's ambiguous. I think you're reading too much into it. He might have literally meant it was nice to hear her voice. Nothing further. And I don't think that's old fashioned - I think it's strange. I have friends of both genders who I have said that to without needing to know their relationship status at that point in time because I was saying it as a friend who was happy to hear a friends voice again. Yes others have had a similar idea to you but that's what's brilliant about opinions - everyone can have a different one. I gave you my opinion & take on it.

I'm just saying that for me a red flag would be my boyfriend having a problem with a friend of mine saying they missed hearing my voice. And getting the idea that there might be something behind it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120612328#Comment_120612328

Ah yes "women" are so devious like that. 🙄

Raysin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120607220#Comment_120607220

If she hadn't played it for him there are plenty who would could consider that a red flag. Damned if she does and if she doesn't.

Personally I think you're reading even more into it than the OP, and the reality there is that it's one line, and even if it was flirty it tells us she hasn't spoken to this guy in a long time and nothing else.

Count Dracula

If your partner is attractive I would start getting used to other men throwing in loosely shaped flirts and compliments at her.

It is not very fair of her to share a personal message from a friend to you in the first place. She is most likely using the message to influence your relationship and your behaviour towards it, why else would she bother sharing it with you.

Girls are constantly manipulating scenarios and changing up the stakes, especially in their own relationships. It is when you stop playing these games that they get bored with you. By showing you a clip of a potential suitor or someone complimenting her she is indicating to you that she is insecure about how you feel about her and is going so far as to give an example of how she would like you to be.

What language was the message in ?

coolbeans

That's a very innocent remark OP. The fact that you raise it and dig down to the extent you have here suggests trust issues on your side which you should deal with. Remember, jealousy is deeply unattractive.

Big Bag of Chips

Is your problem that your gf hasn't made it clear to this fella that she is in a relationship? If that's the case then you might want to ask her why. Although, if she doesn't speak to him that often it would be unusual for her to just come out with "I have a boyfriend".

If she chatted to him regularly she'd be more likely to drop into conversation "me and Tom are going off for the weekend" etc.

It's not inappropriate if he doesn't know she's in a relationship. It's probably not even inappropriate if they're just good friends. It's inappropriate if she knows/feels that he has romantic feelings for her and she's stringing him along by not being clear about her relationship status.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120623808#Comment_120623808

Seriously? Women (girls 🙄) are not constantly "manipulating scenarios" within their own relationships. You're reading way too much into what looks like a fairly innocent interaction. She most likely wasn't doing it to give an example. I mean what's the example? All the friend said was that it was nice to hear her voice again. I mean if that's the low level of example of how to behave with a partner that you need then there is bigger issues. It wasn't some mad declaration of love.

And people share messages for all types of reasons. Maybe she was showing the OP how bad her friend had had of it lately as in a "God Joe's had an awful time of it with his trip home, listen to this". I've done that when talking about friends of mine to my other half. If there's a voicenote (or reading out a message) it saves summarising it on my side.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058296742/am-i-overthinking-this

I wonder, what language is that? I could try to think of the direct translation and the context could suggest a clearer situation...

However, even putting that aside, you sound little bit possessive which could harm relationship. Some people like their partners to be jealous and possessive, some can't even tolerate it. Just saying, be careful about what you think as that can turn against you. I'm just talking from my own experience.

Neyite

Your girlfriend shouldn't need to plop her boyfriend into random conversations so that other blokes get the signals - if they like her or fancy her, many won't even care if she has a boyfriend and might try it on anyway.

In short, you can't manage how others talk to your girlfriend, but neither can she and she isn't responsible for what someone says to her. She's only responsible for her reaction and response to it.