Growing suspicion and resentment

ylthrow

Thank you

EIapprentice

It looks to me like you want to do the dirt and are using this episode from 10 years ago to justify it. She told you she wouldn’t go if you didn’t want her to go but you let her go even so.

Tork

I agree with the above poster. You've got your eye on someone and want to bed them, don't you? Along with your bitterness, there's an awful lot of self pity. I'm not seeing any personal responsibility in any of this and that's where you should be looking. You're going on about something that may have happened ten years ago. You were suspicious then, yet you chose to continue with this relationship. You married your wife. You could've easily broken up with her at any point before you tied the knot but you didn't. Why? It's all too easy to dig up the past and use it as a reason to justify something that could cause untold ructions in your life. There's a lot more going on here than your urge to cheat on your wife. Why do you want to cheat on her? Has the marriage gone bad? Stale? What?

What’s the change in the relationship, what’s the change in you? Has she been in touch again with this ex? What’s driving it now?

Jim_Hodge

You were only going with her a short time and she went on holidays. Ten years later you're still together and you're dragging this up now. Sounds like you are just looking for an excuse. There's no score to settle. I'd question my own reasoning if I were you.

ylthrow

Thanks

evolvingtipperary101

Ten years ago... come on...

I think you gave yourself away when you used the word 'secretly'.

ylthrow

I know she loves me but that when she said we shouldn't be exclusive while she travels, it was the most hurt i ever was.

And twice it's popped back up with new revelations.

We can all talk about being rational, but emotions aren't always like that. And my suspicions could well be correct.

My late parents had a photo album (I have it now) filled with their ex’s. My father did quite the collage of himself and his favourite ex, in Herbert Park, Dublin Zoo; my mother had pictures of herself at an arts ball with her beloved. Nothing sinister in it, they were acknowledging their past in this shared photo album.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120637220#Comment_120637220

If you're asking us for help, it would be good if you didn't drip feed the information to us. Mostly though, it's your wife you should be talking to. Not strangers on the internet.

ylthrow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120637238#Comment_120637238

Lovely. Did they go in holiday and share tents with their exes while together?

kippy

What is the reason this is coming up now?

How is your relationship with her? Have you family?

What is your suspicion of? That she cheated on you while she was on these holidays ten years ago?

Do you think she is cheating now?

Depending on the questions above I'd either be forgetting about it and continuing to live your life with her or asking her outright what happened and accepting the reality that this in itself could cause irreversable outcomes that means you need to be prepared to walk away from the relationship.

mrsbeebee

You're being unreasonable. No 1, it was 10 years ago. No 2, you were together a few months at the time. It could be that she didn't tell you about her exes because this is how you would react. Maybe it was a holiday she booked before you were serious and she was looking forward to it? The fact its bothering you this much now 10 years later, long after you've married to the point you would consider cheating is unfair on your poor wife and totally unreasonable. Maybe you should consider speaking to a professional.

ylthrow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120637263#Comment_120637263

It's coming up now because if the photo i found last year. Till then she had shared a tent with a mate, when you find out its an ex then you wonder.

Our relationship is good. Ive built my life around hers.

It's an issue because I suspect she did cheat, we were firmly established, and i always just asked for honesty.

Being drip fed new pieces if information about her being with exes, surprise surprise, does hurt and she was not up front.

She didn't have to spend that time with either of them. Given how apologetic she was for suggesting she could shag around makes me wonder why she didn't. She clearly had an intention.

It does make me winder about honesty overall.

Tork

Have you spoken to her about this photo you found?

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120637312#Comment_120637312

Get over it. It was ten years ago and she was with exec on a holiday. Many of us stayed great mates with out exes and our spouses are now their friends as well. The very fact that photos were kept shows nothing was hidden. You found a photo last year and it's still getting to you. You really need to talk to somebody about this before you do something stupid that you'll long regret.

JoChervil

The last line was a throw away. Don't get hung up on that.

Well, I once read a brilliant book about fear. An author also worked on solving ransom cases. So he said that when while investigating, he always was sensitive to additional unnecessary information given to him by people involved in the case. He called it "satellites". And usually these "satellites" contained the answer, who did it. So I wouldn't dismiss it so quickly, only I would do a soul search to find out, if you are not attracted to someone else atm.

Also what a weird notion about scoring. How do you think it will end?

There is also a problem, what she might have understood, when you agreed for her journey. Did you clearly said, that she might go, but absolutely be exclusive? Anyway, it was a long ago, many decisions have been made since then, which make this trip and what happened on it redundant.

Anyway, if it eats you, so I would talk to your wife. The best way is always discussing things, when they appear, not allowing them to fester and grow.

Tork

OP, I see you've delete your original post. The mods usually close these once that happens. Before that happens, can I suggest that you talk to someone. Does your employer offer an employee assistance program? The reason I'm suggesting this is that it might defuse your feelings and help you gain some perspective. Do you need to talk to your wife about this? Maybe. What you don't need to do is talk to her while you're upset and suspicious and dealing with 10 years of baggage from this old trip. There could be a lot at stake here so tread carefully. What you should not do, in my opinion, is to simply bottle this up. I get the sense you're clos e to exploding. The trouble with a blow-out like this is that it often happens at the worst possible time.

screamer

10 years is a long time OP. She obviously chose you. Unless you suspect she has been cheating recently, why ruin your relationship? As the old song goes a good heart these days is hard to find. Plenty of people to mess around with, but will they love you as your wife obviously does? Would you ruin your marriage to get even? You are her choice, is she yours?

Hannibal_Smith

Thread closed - original post deleted