Just low

december2019

I'm a 30 and living at home.

I feel nervous, anxious, worried and lonely at times.

Now my problems are trivial compared to others who've suffered horrific abuse, illness, heartships and I should really get over myself.

I've tried to post here before and I type and I delete it.

Growing up I wasn't sporty, intelligent and was a tad slow.

I had friends in school but I also got bullied from time to time. A bit of name calling in secondary school regarding people saying I was gay which I was it was minor but it got to me.

I scrope into a college course and I just never fitted in and was totally out of my depth and got bullied. I suppose I was naive and wasn't mature enough. In the end I ended up dropping out and moving home.

For a few years I was at home on a family farm. Doing stuff for a parents and a few odd jobs for family. However I hadn't a lot of cash, felt like a waster and isolated myself from friends.

In 2019 I decided to get over myself I applied for a job in retail/sales and got it.

Basically I'm in a shop by myself, do the day to day running, submit orders, deal with customer complaints have to sort of personally sell items. I was terrified when I started but I'm good enough at it for the most part.

I do have and okaish personality sort of eccentric.

However some days I simply don't want to go into work and it's not out of laziness it's just I feel so full of fear/anxiety and I've to push myself to do and have never missed a day.

I've a good work record but I'm always afraid I'll loose my job due to it being my fault or a rival chain moving to town and closing us down.

I'm sort of like what will I do next, who'd want to employ me.

Learning and education was always a struggle for me.

I learnt to drive since which was sort of a milestone for me.

I have tried to reconnect with old friends but they've their own lives now families, moved away, etc It's just part of growing up.

I am gay and have tried dating apps. People mainly want hook ups and there fine but I've encountered nice guys but they can come across as lonely. I do find it hard to connect with the gay scene but thats okay. It's just the future seems bleak and I'm always going to be alone and unloved. However I don't know how'd I'd feel about being in a relationship at the same time. At times I've sort of Catholic guilty about being gay but I'm fairly okay with my sexuality.

When I was younger I think somebody touched me inappropriately however this was minor and it's one of these things I drastically over tonight.

My father have also grown forgetful and it's very sad to see and it can be difficult when he doesn't know who I am and everything is a muddle. Even tough we weren't very close it's just hard and it can be draining and I'm also sort of supporting my mother through either by helping or just listening to her concerns. My father is a very difficult man when it comes to Dr, tablets, help, assistance, etc. He does have good enough days tough.

There was also a family fight just after Christmas. It was nothing to do with me but it just sourened the mood around.

It's just the past few months have really got to me I'm just sort of stressed, sad, lonely and I've lost enjoyment in things I just don't know what the future holds with my dad, employment, family, love, etc. I suppose we all have these concerns and I know it's what a spoilt child would say but I'd love to happy or happier. I've times of happiness and sometimes I forget by problems due to being busy and then they can all come back.

I don't really know what I'm looking for posters to say tbh.

Goodigal

Didn't want to read and not reply. You have lots going on for you. Your happiness is in your own hands OP. You can't wait for it to arrive on your door.

Look at the positives in your post. You're working and you're good at your job, even if it's a little stressy. You've learned to drive. You're ok with your sexuality (despite not having huge success) which is great to be able to admit.

Ok it's not easy to see parents getting older but it happens to us all (if we're lucky) I'm not gonna suggest joining a club or anything like that that might always be thrown about here, but start to work on liking yourself maybe and think of the small things you are grateful for, esp the times you feel happy. None of us know what the future holds but I hope even writing down your feelings has helped in some small way.

Re the inappropriate touching, perhaps open up to a counsellor about that and see if that helps you move forward with a different outlook. I always think a few sessions with a counsellor is worth investing in. Wishing you all the best.

december2019

Thanks very much for the reply!

I can see the positives in my life I think I'm just sort of stuck in a rut with the last while.

89897

OP have you spoke with a doctor or therapist about how you feel? I think that might be a first step. Alot of what you are saying seems like it could be helped by a professional. Everyone deserves happiness and the life they want, its not going to help you by thinking you dont have it as bad as some, you're still living your own struggles and you absolutely deserve to have them heard.

december2019

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120652950#Comment_120652950

Thanks.

Yes, I would consider seeking help it's just to find the right person.

Tempted of going to see a counsellor in a nearby town.

Not that drawn to a GP. It's local and everybody know everybody. It takes weeks to get an appointment and my father has been on anxiety medication with decades and it's a real addiction and I'd be afraid I'd end up like that.

HildaOgdenx

I suppose we all have these concerns and I know it's what a spoilt child would say but I'd love to happy or happier.

It's not wrong at all, or childish to want happiness. It's what we all want.

OP, you genuinely come across as a good guy. You have a lot of positive things going for you. It can be easy to lose sight of them, when times are tough. You pushed yourself to do various things, and you are good at the work you do. You have a lot going on in supporting your parents too.

I think it's great that you are considering counselling. Picking up the phone to make that appointment is the first challenge but I hope you will do it.

Please make that call. Mind yourself.

Purple Mountain

You sound like a really nice guy.

Go easy on yourself.

You've overcome so much so start by patting yourself on the back.

I would definitely echo the therapy suggestion. I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself the space to explore your feelings and your past and future.

Also, do you have someone in your family (sibling, aunt/uncle etc) who you could open up to?

One good person is worth more than a lifetime of acquaintances.

You seem to be carrying a lot of thoughts and feelings to yourself so I think if you got to say them out loud to a trusted person, it'd help.

Is there any gay support/friend groups?

Take a step back from thinking about a relationship and maybe see about getting into a support network with other gay men to exchange experiences and maybe build up friendships.

Good luck!

taxAHcruel

Hi OP. I notice in your posts you do not discuss any of your life outside of your career/work. What does a normal week look like for you other than work? Describe in detail an average day/week. What do you do with yourself - how - for how long - and so on. What and when do you eat? When and how do you sleep?

I am seeing some positives in your post. For example you say it is a deep struggle to over come your anxieties and to go to work every day. Yet you also say you have never missed a day. That shows strength and discipline for a start.

As does overcoming bullying and struggling with academia in school to get into a college course. It seems in general you may be someone who is good at using inner discipline and strength to overcome adversity and hurdles. That's a good place to be starting from.

But I think I would need to know more about your general day to day life before I could comment more.

OP, you sound like a very likeable type of person anyone would want to be friends with, you will find your groove with a little help from a counsellor.

Kurn

I think having someone to talk to, or even someone to listen to you in a safe environment would help you hugely. I found talking to a counselor helped me a lot. There are online ones if you don't want to do it in person. You can also request an LGBT-friendly counselor to help. For me, it was having someone listen to me and make some suggestions - pointers on what I should/could do to help.

Know that you are not alone others are going through difficulties too. Take care and don't be hard on yourself.

december2019

Thanks for the replies an sorry for not getting back sooner.

Regarding my sexuality I would be open to going to a group or something like that. Some of them seem to be aimed at younger guys tough.

I am comfortable enough with my sexuality tough. I know who I am and I do my own thing generally.

I think the apps are be you gay or straight can be a bit negative and I'm trying to improve my approach to them.

One thing I did leave out of my opening post was I guy I went to school with and visits the shop I work in started sending me nude pics, saying he was going to come intot he shop where I worked and shove his tongue down my throat, etc. He did this whenever he was drunk but I said No thanks and just ignored it. It was just a worry I had. He did this on social media.

@Purple Mountain Family would be a now. I do have an friend who'd be a possibility.

@taxAHcruel To be honest with you I get up, go to work and come home and do the usual. I'm generally good to sleep. Diet is average enough. We also have a small family farm that I sometimes help on. I don't really do any extra activities apart from walking. No point of lying. I sort of feel guilty leaving my mother with my father a lot.

taxAHcruel

Hi OP.

First on the subject of guilt - - - - - >

I remember a woman and her child I took into my house for a time when she need a place to be after she left her rather abusive husband. We went to her house and extracted her and drove her here. She was completely wound up. We got her child settled in one room and tried to get her settled into another. She refused to relax and sleep. She felt she _needed to_ work out what to do next for her child. Where was she going to live. How was she going to earn. Where was the child going to go to school. And more. She felt she could not possibly sleep when she should be concerning herself with her child.

After awhile I got across to her that those answers would come in time. But that the best she could do for her child on that night - right that moment - was to sleep. Because while she was guiltily viewing sleep as something that was for herself - actually having had sleep she would be in a better place in many ways to be there for her child.

In other words we often separate in our minds things we do for ourselves from things we do for others. And we feel guilty about the former as we feel it takes away from the latter. But in fact they feed into each other. And the better place we put ourselves in by looking out for ourselves - the better place we are in for helping others. So rather than feeling guilty about leaving your mother with your father a lot - perhaps you should reverse that and consider that by _not doing so_ you are putting yourself in the long term in a place where you will less be able to support your father in this way?

Second on the subject of the question I asked about your day to day - - - - - >

There are many different forms of anxiety and different causes for them. Some come from traumas in our past - and you mentioned having at least one of those. Some come from expectations we have built or narratives we have built for ourselves or others have built for us which need to be unraveled. Both of these are worth teasing out with a mental health professional or group therapy if you can. But there are numerous books and podcasts you could pursue if that is more your thing too - which cover the subject well.

However I personally find with myself and a few others around me that there is another form of evolved anxiety in our species. That is because we have evolved over millions of years to be a species, like many others, that are constantly on the lookout for dangers to overcome or escape. Our body is evolved to expect things to happen each day which we need to identify, resolve, and survive.

However in modern society we are pretty much always safe. So our bodies do not get to experience and resolve that conflict. So we are left with this ongoing anxiety that has no apparent source or direction - cause or resolution. And so it slowly escalates this anxiety inside us over time like one elongated panic attack. It is like constant fire alarms with no apparent fire. A feed back loop that can make us mentally suffer in the same way the feed back loop of something like "Phantom Limb Syndrome" causes people to have physical pain in a limb they do not actually have any more!

What I and others have discovered (Joe Rogan goes on about it a lot actually) is that "controlled adversity" has a way of resolving that anxiety. That means finding something in your life that is difficult, maybe even quite uncomfortable, to do. It can be enjoyable to do too though. But it is something that your mind can latch on to and go "here we go - we gotta get past this thing now" and so can complete the "Gestalt" of identifying it, reacting to it, resolving it. And thus this elongated anxiety is alleviated.

As I say this will not work for everyone because it entirely depends what kind of anxiety you have and it's source(s). But it is certainly worth trying. It means that having a hobby - which can be a hobby you deeply enjoy or one you do not, really either works - is not just about something we spend time on. It can actually be therapeutic.

Identifying something as a "controlled adversity" is on you however as we each find our own. For some people (Rogan for example) he finds Ice Baths do it for him. For me I find it is Brazillian Jujitsu. Others find it is running long distances. Others find it is speaking in groups (like group therapy, or even joining an acting society and performing on stage). The list is endless essentially. But it basically involves incorporating something into your life that, enjoyable or not, gives your biology something to connect to as an external adversity so your brain can go "Oh so this is what I was worried about, ok lets deal with that, and move on".

Side anecdote - - - - - >

A lot of money was spent on curing Phantom Limb Syndrome. A lot of failures. In the end a group led by a guy called V.S. Ramachandran "cured" it for many by using nothing more than a 10 dollar mirror.

They surmised that the brain was sending signals to the missing arm and was not getting the expected responses. So like I said about "anxiety" above there was a kind of loop created which got slowly worse over time. To the point the patient would have physical agony in the limb that was not even there. Some patients got so bad they killed themselves.

What they did was they placed the mirror in such a way that the limb the person still had was reflected in the mirror in such a way that it looked like the missing limb was there too. Then while looking in the mirror at the "Phantom" missing limb, the patient flexed and relaxed both limbs in their mind. The brain now had visual feedback of the missing limb which broke the panic loop and alleviated the pain.

For many people - myself included - "controlled adversity" treats our anxiety in much the same way. I suffered from a lot of depression and anxiety in my early 20s and through things like Jujitsu and Archery and Horse Riding it is now functionally gone. I have no doubt it would return if I let it. But I do not.