Deep rooted issues with dating or just picky?

eaglach

Before I start off, I'm generally happy with my lot in life and this is a post out of frustration I guess. I may have even posted something related to this in the past.

I've been forever single in my many years on the dating scene. The longest "relationship" I had was 10 years ago and that was a mere 6 months. Anything since then has been a few dates at most, nothing close to even going steady.

I would like to think I'm a pretty decent looking guy, or so I've been told. The problem is that I can't seem to find anyone I'm remotely interested in. I've gone on many dates and the conversation has been fine, but I had no attraction whatsoever to them. I've been on dates with what I objectively could say are very handsome men, but it did nothing for me. It's not that I'm not attracted to men, because I'm 100% certain I am, it's just that the majority of gay guys are not my type!

Any time I've found a guy to be very physically attractive, I'm confident they are straight (chatting up women on nights out, never seen on dating apps, stereotypical straight mannerisms etc.) and therefore have no hope with them.

On Tinder I have honestly received 2500 likes from guys and I haven't gotten a date out of any of them. I think I swiped right on maybe 5 total, and even at that I was debating whether they were my type or not!

Clearly something is wrong here, but I can't tell if it's a case of me being extremely picky or if I have some deep rooted issues with gay guys. I'm not attracted to the camp aspects of the gay world and that seems to be maybe 75% of the guys out there.

Can someone point me to some kind of resource to help me process this mental block I'm having, or even some advice from personal experience? I really don't want to be single forever!

thenumber3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2056712129/no-guys-out-there-for-me

Still on about the same issue 11 years later. Maybe it's you and not them.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120700524#Comment_120700524

Very helpful, thank you.

Citizen Six

Yeah, sounds like you have issues alright. And that's why you are 'picky'.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058299779/deep-rooted-issues-with-dating-or-just-picky

I think from my own experiences that

A there is no way 75% of gay men are camp. Its incredibly diverse nowadays and perhaps you have some sort of high bar of what camp is

B If you have only ever swiped on 5 people on Tinder then yes that is extremely extremely picky

C You perhaps need to let go a lot of the hang ups you have about certain types of people

D It does seem like you have your own issues and maybe some professional counselling might be an idea

E Im not sure what else to say really. It might be an expensive option but you could try a matchmaking agency

Jafin

If you have only swiped right on 5 men total than absolutely you are being too picky. I don't know what age you are, but as I myself have gotten older I've completely let go of this notion of having a "type." Are there certain aspects of men I find more attractive? Absolutely, but those are not things I "need" a man to have in order to find him attractive. At the end of the day while physical attraction is of course important, it's not the only thing that matters. Looks will change over time and emotional/personality attraction is just as important, if not more. Especially if you want to be with someone for the long haul.

I'd say lower your expectations a bit. Take a few extra seconds when looking at someone's profile before swiping left. Spend some more time looking at their photos and see if there's anything you like. It can be as simple as them having a nice smile or a cute nose. Give them a second look and see if there's anything in their bio that stands out to you as being something interesting. Sometimes attraction takes a little while to build, so give some guys a chance that maybe you wouldn't normally give a chance. You may end up surprising yourself.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735952#Comment_120735952

I was out for pride and in the middle of Capel Street and I would say that the 75% is a close estimation, but maybe that was the day that was in it. I don't know what a high bar for camp is, but personally I would say that it's anything that would immediately make you think "oh, he might be gay". I don't have a problem with that, but I think that would be my definition.

I haven't only ever swiped right on 5 people. I'd say that's only very recently. I've been on Tinder a very long time.

There are plenty of men that I find attractive, but they always turn out to be straight. When I go to the gym, there are guys that I would most certainly swipe right on if they were on Tinder, but they never are. It's not like I'm making this up, I literally believe I have a thing for straight men.

I actually got very down about it over the weekend. I was thinking back to a relationship I had a few years ago and he was exactly my type. I don't miss him, but I do miss what we had. I haven't found anyone like him since. And it's not like he was special (and I mean that in the nicest way possible). He was just your average guy but he would come across as stereotypically straight.

Surely if I've been struggling with it this long that it's not just something I need to try and look past. Is it unreasonable to think that I just have a really specific type? I mean is it any different to a man saying that he's attracted to other men? You wouldn't say "oh but you should give women a chance", would you? I don't know what my argument is here as it won't help me fix the problem, but it just helps to talk about it with someone I guess.

Thanks.

Ten of Swords

Are you out?

Is this need for a stereotypically straight acting/looking guy partially to disguise your relationship or is it purely based on attraction?

Nothing wrong with having a very specific type, you're attracted to who you're attracted to end of. But, if you've determined that approx 75% of gay men are outside your criteria then you're going to struggle finding someone with a mutual connection.

TLDR: Picky, in my view

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120771388#Comment_120771388

Yes I am out and I'm not trying to hide any relationship with a "straight acting" guy as you phrased it.

I think it's reasonable to say that most "out" guys are in some way camp or stereotypically gay. Not saying that's a bad thing, just an observation. Whether this is mannerisms, fashion choices, personal interests which may be stereotypically feminine etc. Lets say for arguments sake that it's a 50-50 split of gay guys who fit the stereotype (I think that's conservative, but it's not that relevant).

The majority of straight guys do not have the same mannerisms etc. The majority of men on this planet (maybe 90%, who knows exactly) are straight. Let's say that I dunno, 80% of the 90% are stereotypically masculine.

So effectively my type is 85% of men! I may be picky when it comes to gay men, but men in general I don't think I am at all.

I seem to be battling with an issue that I don't think there's an answer to. How can I possibly overcome my clear desire to be with men who are not gay?

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120811043#Comment_120811043

What do you want from this thread?

You asked if you are too picky and you've rejected the opinion of everyone who more or less said you are.

It feels like you are torn between wanting to change your life on the one hand and on the other hand wallowing in self pity where you can't in any way let yourself change your life.

The way in which you judge campness and gay men honestly does indicate insecurity to me.

Lots of people have given you really good advice before but you always reject the advice.

I was going to give you some advice again but then I looked and I and others had given it to you before and it was rejected out of hand.

I feel like you have been given answers many times on how to address this "battle" but have rejected everything out of hand so perhaps you do just want to wallow in self pity.