Friend is dating a brother of person who bullied me at school

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797207#Comment_120797207

Your friend has only just met her. Its her boyfriend's sister. They're all in the initial honeymoon phase of getting to know each other and putting their best foots forward. Who knows how it will all pan out.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797484#Comment_120797484

I was speaking to my cousin this evening on the phone, who is also friendly with my friend, and my cousin mentioned that she told her at the start of the relationship that his sister bullied me at school, as my friend had asked her what the family are like as they are from the same area as my family, now I don't know what to think anymore 😐

BrianG23

Youre just bring a coward here to be honest. Stop doing that, it's bad for you. Face your fears. What's the worst that can happen?

Really it's the harsh truth, as a fellow ex anxiety riddled teen and 20s, you need to do what you can to start standing up for yourself.

If you are really close with your friend it's time to open up to her, I think she deserves that after 25 years, in fact she might even be offended you never told her.

But who knows. Again..what's the worst that can happen. Really

Jeez the perfect opportunity to say it was when you met the boyfriend, really smack them in the face about how cool the bullies were. That would put him right on the spot, too.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797568#Comment_120797568

What do you want your friend to do? Seriously? As many people have already pointed out repeatedly

(1) Your friend is not dating the bully

(2) Your friend is not going to dump her boyfriend because of what somebody else did to you

(3) Everybody is on their best behaviour and your friend has not seen the bad side of his sister

Your friend's relationship with this guy may or may not last the distance. Like anybody when they've met someone they like, they're giving their new squeeze the benefit of the doubt and want things to work out. That includes making nice with his family, who she might see as being her in-laws down the line.

You are in no position to rage about how great your friend thinks the sister is when you refuse to open your mouth and set her straight. All of this would be resolved one way or the other if you actually talked to your friend and found out what she is actually thinking. I don't see what you have to lose at this stage. You're already on the path to losing your friend.

Big Bag of Chips

Obviously then all your friend's talk of the boyfriend and sister etc has been her giving you the chance to talk to her... And you haven't.

She's unlikely to ask you out straight because in 25 years of friendship you have never ever mentioned this to her. And when she started going out with her bf you still didn't say anything.

Maybe she doesn't know what to think. Maybe she thinks your cousin is sht stirring, because you haven't actually said anything to her.

After all this... What do you want to do?

It really is that simple. What do you want to do?

suvigirl

Jaysis lord! Do you want to actually tell your friend or not?

You seem very happy to lose your friend over something she doesn't even know she has done, when she hasn't even actually done anything!

Your friend told you she likes someone, who is their boyfriends sister, you don't like that person because they bullied you.

You either,

tell your friend you don't like this person because they bullied you.

Or don't tell them.

That's all your decision. If you're happy to lose a friend because they are going out with someone whose sister treated you badly years ago, but they don't know about it, them that's your decision.

Seems a bit OTT to me.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120797568#Comment_120797568

Well your cousin has told her at the start of the relationship and it hasn't brought hell to your door. So there's an indication that telling your friend may not cause the trouble you think.

Your issue is not with your friend. Stop making it her issue. You're taking your anger out on the wrong person and to be honest, you're using your friend as an easy target for your anger. She hasn't bullied you. She's met a guy and been introduced to his family and got on well with them.

I think you need to talk to someone about the bullying and learn some techniques on how to live with it. Because you can't live the rest of your life cutting people out because they have a connection to the family of the person who bullied you.

Uncharted2

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I am going to stop being cowardly about this and being afraid of what will happen, and bite the bullet and tell her. I'm going to arrange to meet soon and get this off my chest, I think she will be shocked about my past when I inform her but its better out in the open.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798286#Comment_120798286

How does your good friend of 25 years not know about how you were bullied already. Did you know your friend at the time?

I agree with others that you should look into counselling to help you deal with it. Also keep remembering that this bully is no longer part of your life and doesnt need to be in the future. To lose your friend of 25 years over this is silly - you never ever have to see that bully again. They are your friends boyfriends sibling and thats it - they are not part of your life in any way. As I said in an earlier post I never see any of my friends husbands siblings - why would I ever see them.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798409#Comment_120798409

After I left school I wanted to leave that horrible time in my life behind, met new people along the way and never felt I had to bring that time in my life up.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798529#Comment_120798529

So you only met your friend of 25 years after school. Am I right in saying then that you are in your 40's?

OP I mean this sincerely if the bullying that happened in school is still affecting you in your 40's you really need professional help to deal with this.

Being honest from your original post I expected you to be in your late teens early 20s not a mature person. Best of luck and I hope you can someday put the way you were bullied by this horrible person behind you.

Uncharted2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798555#Comment_120798555

I'm in my 30s, I left school early.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120798286#Comment_120798286

Shocked about your past??? You were bullied at school, OP, it's not exactly the deep, dark, thrilling secret you seem to think. I agree with others that you would hugely benefit from therapy to help you get over this, as it seems to have attained almost talismanic status in your mind and is definitely adversely affecting your life. I don't think I know anyone who wasn't bullied to some degree in school, but I also don't know anyone who still goes on about it.

CrookedJack

OP I understand your feelings here. Being bullied, like any form of abuse, is victimising. It drastically affects your self-image, it makes you blame yourself for the abuse as much as the bully. "Why did they single me out?" "What weakness did they see in me that led them to do that?". It has a profound impact on you as it happens usually in the years when you are forming your opinion of the type of person you are.

I completely understand you not telling friends you met afterwards about it. because of course you don't want them to see you as someone who could be bullied. Deep down you worry that maybe they'll see whatever flaw your bullys did and their opinion about you will change. All deep-rooted, emotional damage that is very difficult to unpick without help - help I would urge you to seek out.

Ignore anyone giving you a hard time about not having told your friend previously - they simply don't fully understand the impact of this kind of abuse.

While I applaud your determination to talk to your friend now about the situation, be careful of the self-talk. You're not a coward. It is perfectly understandable that you found it very hard to open up about this, give yourself a break. I think it shows strength that you are going to tell her now, that level of worry and anxiety is hard to overcome. Be proud of yourself for that.

witchgirl26

OP I'm going to talk to you as someone who was bullied horribly in my pre-teens. My bully not only was in school but lived near enough me that it could cause problems at home as well as in school. It was horrible. Affected me deeply for years & probably still would in some little ways of not being sure of myself.

That said, it was similar time frame - 25 years ago & I have also been blanked by this person if I see them in the area my mam lives. I know really nothing about their life now & while I could claim her blanking me shows that she's still a terrible person, the realities are probably a lot different. Most bullies are not inherently bad people but rather have things in their own lives they are struggling with & take those out on the victims. I'm not condoning the behaviour but I do think it's important to recognise that the bullying is more reflective on the bully than the victim having anything wrong.

Everyone changes over time & 25 years is a long time. You cannot know for sure that your bully is the same person they were when in their teens. I'm not the same person I was, you're not the same person you were but yet you seem convinced that this person won't have changed at all.

Your friend does not know this history & while the cousin may have mentioned something, it might not have been to the level that would have caused a large amount of concern for your friend. She doesn't know the extent of the bullying. All she is assessing this person is on how they have been with her since meeting & they seem to like her. That is not your friend being disloyal or anything of the like. She's probably trying to build a good relationship with her new boyfriends family.

My advice would be this. Talk to your friend, let her know what happened. But understand that your friend is not likely to either break up with her boyfriend or cut contact with his sister in light of that. She might stop talking about the sister with you to protect your feelings but she may have forged a friendship with the sister based on who she is now rather than who she was 25 years ago.

As for yourself. You need, for your own piece of mind, to deal with the consequences of this bullying. If you are still this wracked with it 25 years on, you have not dealt with it properly. Like I said, it's a similar time frame for me. If I saw my bully again, I don't think I'd feel much towards her either way. I'm ambivalent to her. If one of my friends was dating her brother, sure I might not want to be around her much but I wouldn't make it an issue for my friend (actually my bully does have a brother who was always lovely to me, apparently less so to some others, but again long time ago). Ultimately though your friends relationship is not about you. You need to figure out why you are still so affected by this person & allowing her to have this power over you when she hasn't looked for it in a long time.