Spouse nagging....

Zipppy

Hi, how does one combat incessant endless nagging frm ones wife?

Very first words in morning, very last word at night (even wakes me to nag) and every possible opportunity during the day.

I now get headaches frm the constant nagging.

Even our daughter 'joked' that when coming over they take bets on whether I'll be the subject of nagging when they arrive.

I do more that my fair share in house, its just apparently I do everything wrong...always..

Help..

airy fairy

Have you talked with your wife?

Do you talk with your wife? Maybe the only way of communication or to get a response or reaction from you, might be to 'nag' you?

Is she well? Perhaps menopausal which might explain a short fuse and being tired, asking for help may sound like a 'nag'?

Whatever reason, it's not nice to have bets with your daughter before a visit. Maybe your wife feels lack of respect, so why shouldn't she 'nag' if you lay bets on about her.

thegame983

This is why men die first.

-------

Warning applied for breach of charter - no advice offered

Witcher

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121074755#Comment_121074755

Whatever reason, it's not nice to have bets with your daughter before a visit. Maybe your wife feels lack of respect, so why shouldn't she 'nag' if you lay bets on about her.

That's not what he said.

-------

Warning applied for breach of charter - no advice offered

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121074755#Comment_121074755

That's not what the daughter does.

Also incessant nagging is a coercive behaviour, stop excusing it

Pawwed Rig

What is communication between you like in general? Do you talk? Do you go out and spend time with each other?

I wouldn't be excusing it as it is bad behaviour on her part but it may be coming from a place of unhappiness.

Str8outtaWuhan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058312481/spouse-nagging

"I do my fair share in the house" that's your problem right there, that's not your job OP, man up.

---------

Warning applied

TheadoreT

What's her most frequent complaint(nag?) Are you actually listening or just dismissing it all?

The happiest relationships are where communication is healthy, you're still dating regularly and sex is frequent. I'd guess some or all of that is missing here as it doesn't sound like she's happy.

Don't fall into that trap either of trying to do more and more to pacify her, that will only have counter intuitive results and she won't respect you.

Shoog

Divorce. A person who is habitually abusive is not going to change - it's part of who they are. Your life is been ruined and you only have a finite time to live it.

Divorce or the threat of divorce will bring focus to the situation.

iniscealtra

It needs to be addressed. Why is the question ? Are there underlying issues that you are unaware of or is it a bad habit ?

It’s no way to live.

Sunny Disposition

Sounds like you have to take a strong stand OP. Tell her it can’t continue and make sure she understands that. I feel for you, it’s not easy to be criticised over and over.

I’d worry that it has gone unchecked for a long time and your wife doesn’t even know it’s a problem?

CramCycle

You need to sit down and say it, say that it annoys you and that you need to work on stopping it. It is a rut that people can fall into and she may not be able to even see it. It will take effort from her to stop if its been going on along time. Also be prepared that you will probably have to do something different. Healthy relationships thrive on seeing these things and working on them before they become bigger things.

That's it, you either say it and it starts to alleviate (or it doesn't) or you don't and the stress on you gets worse. The longer you leave it the worse it will get and it won't end well.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121075263#Comment_121075263

I doubt that is true. Many people have very happy marriages but it takes work. You need to make time for each other and talk a lot. You also need to get out of the house together whether that is just for some exercise or a date. Again communication is key. I cannot see a situation where there are open lines of good communication that someone nags you first thing in the morning.

The jump to divorce above is just bizarre.

OP to add to my point above do you do holidays together?

Honey50000

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121075297#Comment_121075297

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121075297#Comment_121075297

She nags him 7 days a week does sound like someone that you want to go on holidays with

-----------------------------------------

Warning applied for Breach of Charter. This is an advice forum. Offer advice to the poster who looks for it. It is not a forum for discussion with other posters.

You've been asked multiple times to read the forum charter.

Beefcake82

It is possible your wife is not well, drastic mood/behavioral changes could be the result of medical issues such as brain problems. I know communicating with your wife is difficult right now but try have a talk with her to see if anything going on, if that proves to be fruitless perhaps jointly doing to doctor?

Wanderer78

if this has been a log term problem, consider some couples therapy, and possible individual therapy also, some awful situation to be in, best of luck

Leroy42

There can be many reasons, including but not limited to; she is just like that, you are a real pain to live with and don't do anything she asks until she nags. And plenty in between

The only way to resolve the issue is to understand the issue. The best way is some couples counselling. Getting a third party, with experience, to listen to both parties and draw out from both of you what the issue is and how to solve it.

Does she even realise that she is nagging you? Is she letting the requirement to get things done override your feelings? The pressure on modern life can mean that people focus purely on what needs to be done rather than what is important. What comes across as nagging to you might simply be their way of working through the list of tasks that need to be completed for everything to run smoothly.

Are you doing stuff off your own bat or only doing stuff when she presses you (nags) to do something? From her POV that is incredibly frustrating and tiring. Do you think she likes to spend her time nagging you to get stuff done rather than just have it done?

I obviously don't know your situation, but it would be very rare what a person to be nagging for no reason. Whether that reason is reasonable is of course open to discussion.

Of course, maybe they are just incredibly controlling and lacking any respect. If that is the case then that needs to change.

Zipppy

Ah no, I'm not having bets with my daughter..my daughter and her bf have bets between each other as to what will be going on when they come in..apparently me hoovering and my my wife nagging me is what they generally expect...

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121075857#Comment_121075857

jesus thats soul destroying, you cant allow this to go any further....

Furze99

Some women tend to nag and will focus whatever frustrations they have on one person, usually their spouse. It's like a safety valve for them. My better half does it some of the time, not always. I just learnt to ignore it over time, change the subject and we get on fine overall. I can't tell you why this is but her mother was kinda the same and we used to joke about it when visiting. I was very fond of her mother though, she was a fine & kind person though overall, as is my wife.

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121075857#Comment_121075857

Tbh your daughter and her bf need to keep out of it and not comment. Obviously they are saying something to you, that alone is wrong on your wife, regardless of the issue and who's to blame.

Do you talk to your wife, like really talk to her? Do you tell her that you feel you're being worn down from the constant nagging? Are you telling her that she's breaking you? And what about her health, is there something underlying there that may be triggering her?

It's hard to get a clear picture tbh, does she work outside the home? Is she doing jobs around the house when you are?

TheadoreT

You haven't actually given much information if you want help to genuinely improve your situation. Seems you just want a "women are naggers" pile on.

65535

Stand up for yourself OP

Big Bag of Chips

A number of off topic posts have been deleted. This is an advice forum. We expect all replies to offer civil, well phrased advice to the OP.

Anyone unsure of the standard of posting expected in this forum should read re-familiarise themselves with the Forum Charter.

Igotadose

I think you'd be well served to look at this blog:https://tinyurl.com/4uruwrmb

It helped me realise a lot when we were having a rough patch that we got through, but only because I changed my behaviour quite a bit. I wish I'd had the blog before marrying, life would've turned out much better.

Couldn't post the full URL due to a swear word in it.

stargazer 68

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121076350#Comment_121076350

This exactly OP..you say she nags you all the time but in what way? Maybe she sees it as "I've asked you to pick up your skiddy jocks off the bedroom floor 5 times already" so the 6th is the final straw!

screamer

I absolutely hate nagging and I’m a woman. My mother is a prize nagger and I decided many years ago that I would never do that to any partner, and I don’t. But I am very self reliant and if my partner doesn’t have time to do something I’ll do it myself. OP I would literally keep a daily list of what you’ve done and what she has done and when the nagging starts pull out that list and show her the balance of tasks and ask her what she’d like to take on from you that will free you up to complete the task she’s nagging about. I’d also make her create a priority list of what she’s asked for and tell her there can only be one number 1!!!!

Igotadose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121077933#Comment_121077933

That blog I mentioned above had his marriage end, with his wife moving out, because he didn't put a glass in the dishwasher.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back, but that back was well on to being broken due to years of him not getting a clue.

Markus Antonius

Similar to how some houses have a "swear jar", you need to introduce the "Nag Jar" to your wife. Look online and get one that is very professional looking to show how serious you are.

Over time, the nagging will become economically unviable for her.

Jellybaby_1

It's very hard for advice to be offered if we only know one side. Could the OP list some of what he termed as 'nagging'?

igCorcaigh

Some good points made here:

1. More detailed information would be helpful. Is there a certain pattern to this nagging? You mentioned house work. Is it all about that, are does it vary? Is there a pattern of constant criticism about yourself of how you behave in general?
2. Communication... So important in any form of relationship. Present the situation to your partner in a calm, logical way; see if she understands how it is harming you... TALK TALK TALK and, more importantly, LISTEN.