Would you resurrect a friendship, if their views and mindset have diverged strongly from your own?

CamillaRhodes

A friend and I have known each other 20+ years, since college, and used to be incredibly close. She lives nearby, used to babysit my kids, was bridesmaid at my wedding: one of my very best friends in the world. We fell out during Covid - she became very anti-mask / anti-vaccine, and it started to bundle up with conspiracy theories (5G, Bill Gates, etc.) We had a big fight one night in a restaurant. Soon after that, she stopped replying to messages - we didn't see each other or communicate in any way for over 18 months. At the same time, she did the same to pretty much all our other friends from college - cut contact with everyone. Long story short, we subsequently found out at that time, she'd met a man and had fallen in love, for the first time really (she'd been unhappily single until then). He's also into the conspiracy theory / anti-vaxx groups etc. My former friend got *really* into it though, was up on stage with a megaphone talking at rallies.

Fast forward three years, and with a couple of light exchanges in between (which i won't go into to save time now) and Covid is pretty much over and I've been feeling like it's time to move on, life is too short to hold grudges over disagreements on social stuff. My former friend told me recently she got engaged to this man, and I want to be happy for her, offered to meet for coffee next week (to give her a wedding book, basically an olive branch).

But another mutual friend has just pointed out her Twitter account to me (I didn't know she had one until now). The Likes are all now classic far right stuff: Anti-Trans, Anti-Pride, Anti-Immigrant, as well as the covid / conspiracy stuff. It has really shocked me. This would be the diametric opposite of my own socio-political views, and previously her own too (our mutual friend is a gay man, who had been incredibly close to this woman for 20+ years too).

I am wondering whether I should still meet her for coffee and try to build bridges here, or does that somehow endorse or tacitly approve her views? I very much doubt she'll be open to discussions about these subjects, I could see it just becoming another fight with one of us storming out. Part of me is still so sad about losing my friend after half a lifetime. But another part of me thinks, this woman now is not the friend I used to know, and there's no basis for friendship left there.

I'm also mindful of not expecting that everyone I'm friends with should have to share my political views. I actually really enjoy a good political debate. But not in the neo-nazi / far right space. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. The rise of the far right here and in Europe is really terrifying me. I feel really yuck about my desire for friendship being mixed up with this rhetoric.

To make matters even more complicated, she's a teacher in my kids school, so there's a good likelihood of bumping into her semi-regularly.

What would you do? Meet her and try to build a bridge? Or cut my losses and recognise this friendship is over?

Augme

Why do you want to be friends with someone's who's on the far right? If you had mutual interest on the topics I could understand but you dodnt seem to. I'm struggling to understand what's so amazing about this friendship that makes you so eager to keep it in your life.

airy fairy

Cut your losses. Friendships aren't supposed to be hard work. You shouldn't have to bite your tongue and keep opinions to yourself and that's exactly what you are contemplating doing.

Being a teacher in your kids school is irrelevant. She will have to be professional in that matter.

Be pleasant if your paths cross, but let the rest go imo.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200372#Comment_121200372

Part of me feels like those views aren't who she really is, that she was just poisoned by the covid craziness. For more than 20 years, she was a sweet, open-minded, loving person who brought huge value and warmth to my life. Perhaps I'm just driven by nostalgia for someone who doesn't exist any more.

ballyargus

I wouldn't endorse "friendship" here - I have been through a similar scenario. The fact that she is a teacher in your kid's school means it's prudent to be cordial, but there was no need to offer coffee and think about olive branches in the form of wedding/engagement gifts.

She has been at the extremism juice and is clearly involved with someone who has either instilled or accelerated toxic views in her; there's no need to willingly welcome that s***e into your life.

Praetorian22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058317010/would-you-resurrect-a-friendship-if-their-views-and-mindset-have-diverged-strongly-from-your-own

It's easier to be nice I think.....all that other stuff uses up too much energy.

At the end of the day we're all going in the ground why can't we all just be civil and get along, leave all the other nonsense aside whether it's Alex Jones or Greta Thunberg.

What a colossal bore the world would be if we all liked the same things and had the same views. Yes there's a line those with a brain don't cross but unless your friend is dancing on the table top in TGI Fridays professing her affection for Pol Pot I'd at the very least extend the olive branch

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200385#Comment_121200385

Maybe you're right. And i'm at the age where my circle of friends has tightened into those with whom we really do enjoy each others' company and share values, cos nobody has time to hang out with douchebags when juggling work and family life. I guess I still miss my old friend and want her back, but I guess i'm not getting her back.

suvigirl

It makes sense to be friends with people who's political views and moral views and views of the world are similar to our own.Who wants to live in constant hassle/disagreements with supposed friends?

Having said that, everyone is entitled to their views, and you are entitled to be friends with whoever you wish.

I don't think judging her based solely on her Twitter account is necessarily fair, people put all sorts of faces on for social media.

you know her for many years, why not meet for a coffee/chat & see how you get on? Just because you are polite and nice to people doesn't mean you endorse their views. If afterwards you feel she has changed too much, you don't have to be friends with her. You can be polite as you would to any teacher in your child's school.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200404#Comment_121200404

You may be right. I guess the friendship I was hoping for is with someone who doesn't exist any more.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200409#Comment_121200409

Thing is, I kinda know how it will go. We wont' talk about the hard stuff, it'll be chit chat. She knows my political views are the opposite of her (new ones), she won't bring it up. We've seen each other once or twice over the last year, but this was the first time I was thinking to make an effort myself. I think I'm changing my mind though.

CamillaRhodes

Is it worth trying to confront the far right stuff, in a letter maybe? Or not worth the effort?

I just can't believe my friend who used to have two very close gay friends is now Liking Anti-Pride content. It's such a huge change in personality.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200436#Comment_121200436

What do the two gay friends say about it?

Are they still friends? Did they confront her?

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200448#Comment_121200448

They have both cut her out of their lives entirely (and she, them). One of them was the person who pointed out her Twitter feed to me.

He is also sad for the loss of their friendship and in a way "mourning" her, but he cannot and will not reconnect with her because of these views. It was the discussion with him which prompted me to write this thread.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200454#Comment_121200454

But was there any conversations between them? Did they ask her about her new views? Seems strange that people would be really close for years, but then just cut each other out of their lives?

Augme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200398#Comment_121200398

The other side is maybe this is now who she really is and for the previous 20+ years she never felt comfortable expressing her true feelings an opinions. Most people as they get older tend to feel comfortable in themselves and become more self-confident about who they really are. Also, most 20 who are 20 somethings will not express strong far right views in person, unless they want to be social outcasts and most 20 somethings don't want to be social outcasts.

Either way, I just don't really ever see the friendship being the same. Are you going to invite her to dinner parties, birthdays, have her integrate with your kids knowing what her views are like? I certainly wouldn't want someone like that in my life.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200465#Comment_121200465

Each of them independently had phone calls with her back during Covid, when her anti-mask extremism started (both of them currently live outside Ireland). After those phone calls, and having then seen some of the stuff that went on (she was up on stage with a megaphone at various anti-mask / anti-vaxx rallies, and videos of this did the rounds), they subsequently cut contact.

RoboRat

I have a mate who would be into right-wing stuff. Anti-mask, anti-vaccine, covid was a hoax, anti-government, anti-immigration, anti-LBGQ, quotes gript, and so on. I'm still friends with him but I don't share his views... I find them quite amusing as they're baseless and can be picked apart quite easily.

It's good to have a healthy diversity within your circle of friends as it keeps you grounded and sometimes you challenge and analyse your beliefs, even if they're right. If you just stick with people who share the same views, you create an echo chamber and that's not healthy.

If he starts going off on one, and I'm not in the mood or think it's too far over the edge, I just change the subject (Oh look, squirrel).

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200483#Comment_121200483

Ok so they fell out with her over Covid views. Lots of people had differing views, I'm not sure I would lose a friendship over it.

Anyway, my advise stands, if you feel like it's worth a go, have a coffee, if afterwards you feel that you are just too different, you don't have to be friends.

j2

For me it would come down to whether or not they can manage to shut up about politics more so than what their beliefs are. I'm basically a melodramatic caricature of an evil far right maniac in terms of my beliefs, but I generally don't talk about it unless somebody is interested in a political discussion, and I certainly don't get agro with anyone over it. A lot of my friends are those sort of libs by default types, in that they don't really think about politics all too deeply and sort of absorbed a broadly libby worldview from their environment by osmosis, as is the case with most people really. I even have a few out of control true believe type libs who are friends, and guess what? We don't talk about politics and we get along fine.

I'd have more difficulty hanging out with an evil right wing guy who won't stop talking about it than I would with a lib who doesn't bring up politics. It seems like your friend might be in the category of individuals who have a very hard time getting away from the political side of things, so you might get your head wrecked hanging out with them. She may be in that phase which a lot of people go through when they develop a new perspective, that of the zealous convert. It's something akin to the new atheist who can't stop bring their lack of belief in God into every unrelated discussion.

I'd also add that it sounds like she has developed some good opinions during this process, but that's neither here nor there from the point of view I'm taking for this subject.

HerrKuehn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200398#Comment_121200398

It is very difficult to come back from the dark side. You just need to look at Darth Vader. Obi Wan and Vader would hardly meet up to discuss shared interests, he was too far gone and Vader hadn't even gone as far as believing in chemtrails!

YellowLead

Personally I would not be friends with somebody with those views. They would be the polar opposite of what I value. It’s just a totally different mindset and way of viewing the world that I have no respect for, and if there’s no respect there’s no friendship.

But I don’t think any of us can really answer this for you because we are not you, and this comes down to your own preferences over you choose to spend time with.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200481#Comment_121200481

Those are great points, neither of which I had thought of. Thank you.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200516#Comment_121200516

Right, so this is something I kinda felt too; i don't want to create an echo-chamber for myself. But where do we draw the line? Others in this thread have called out that friendship shouldn't be hard work - do you find it hard work with your mate? What basis do you have for friendship, if you hold totally differing views?

TedBundysDriver

I've plenty of friends with those views and i don't view them any less for it. Everyone is entitled to think as they please. I'd actually welcome someone who had a viewpoint i might disagree with as there's nothing worse than living in a social circle bubble.

HerrKuehn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200646#Comment_121200646

So I agree up to a point. Everyone is going to be somewhere along spectrum on immigration from "free for all" to "natives only", with most people occupying somewhere away from the extremes I would say, same thing with things like Covid restrictions and masks etc. I would argue someone up on the stage with a megaphone during rallies is probably gone a bit far off the deep end.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200571#Comment_121200571

This would be my mindset also. There are differing views and being respectful about it and then there are hate filled trans/gay/foreign people are all evil dangerous groomers view that alot of these very vocal people have thats extremely harmful and dangerous. Thats not political its just hating on someone.

Im lucky have a wide range of friends with a range of views but none of them are hateful and harmful, its not something I could stand with and like Yellow said its entirely against my values.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200516#Comment_121200516

Echo chamber🙄

Friends are people that enjoy each others company, do things together, enjoy similar pursuits, hold the same values/ethics etc.

There are plenty of people in our lives to disagree with/hold differing views. Actual friends shouldn't be them! There is no need to surround yourself with people who hold completely opposing views on life!

Danzy

You can be friends with someone and disagree with their views, politics and lots of things.

Why would you expect people to fully agree with you on things, you can't control life like that.

You can keep them at a distance though.

growleaves

I find the idea of not being able to be friends with somebody with different views a little distasteful. It reminds me of Communist Party politics - defining yourself as a member of a faction foremost.

Then again it sounds like your friend is a very public activist and perhaps not even tactful in private conversation? That could be a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable for you.

Only you can really say if it's worth it.

I don't think meeting someone and having coffee with them is a tacit endorsement of their views though. That potentially opens up a totalitarian standard of human interaction: Could you do business with somebody with the 'wrong' views? Could you maintain family ties with somebody with the 'wrong' views? Etc.

the_amazing_raisin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121200398#Comment_121200398

It's important not to automatically assume that someone has no agency in their own decisions, there's obviously something in these extremist views that she agrees with. She isn't just a passive participant on the sidelines, she seems to be very active

Personally, I don't think I could be close friends with someone who has those viewpoints

I try not to mix politics with socialising, but I agree there has to be a line somewhere.

I don't see how anyone with such violently destructive views can possibly be a good friend. From what I've seen a lot of people get drawn into that world because it promises they can say whatever stupid and offensive thing comes into their heads.

It's hard to imagine someone in that space being able to compartmentalise their thoughts to not say something in front of you that you might find offensive

So, what to do about it? Well you're going to have to ask yourself if their friendship is worth them saying things you might not like. There's degrees of friendship and you don't necessarily need to be close friends to maintain a cordial relationship

You could ditch them, but the problem then is it might re-enforce her views rather than cause her to question them

I would suggest meeting them for coffee and seeing how it goes. If she says something then you might have to remind her that you don't share her views and would prefer she stayed away from politics

You could mention that if she wants to discuss her views she should prepare to have them challenged

Overall however, I don't think you'll have much success. Part of having a reasonable debate is willing to accept an evidence based argument against your viewpoints, and people on the extreme ends of an argument tend to not be capable of this

tesla_newbie

Important not to view people as heretical for not being on board with respectable liberal sensibilities, such opinions are far more widely held than many believe and are the norm in most European countries, never mind the rest of the world

Tork

It's possible you might be able to resurrect some sort of friendship with her but you're not getting your old friend back. Thankfully, I don't have any experience of losing friends to this extent but I have people in my circle who have gone down that road. The reason I know they have is because they're not slow about proclaiming their views when they have the chance. What people who are aware of their views do is tiptoe around the elephant in the room. They're careful not to bring up whatever issues will set them off. Even though Covid and discussion of it has gone away for normal people, some people's addiction to getting hot under the collar about it hasn't. The Coronavirus forum on boards is still on the go, though god only knows why.

As you've seen, your friend has moved on to the latest hot topics, as have many other people who used to get wound up about Covid. Many of the people outside the Dáil the other week started out protesting against the Covid measures. They can be found protesting in libraries, bookshops, refugee accommodation and pride events, depending on what way the wind is blowing. If something else comes on their horizon, they'll seize on that too. I noticed that your friend had been single until now. So for her, becoming part of this anti-everything tribe brought her fiancé into her life. Being with him will just reinforce her views.

By all means, meet her for a coffee if that's what you want to do. I don't know what sort of friendship you can have with her going forward from here though. I think it's safe to say that most of us have people in our lives who don't hold the same views that we do. The difference is, most people are respectful of other views and don't shove them down anybody's throat. Your friend was out at marches with a megaphone and isn't slow about proclaiming her views. She's a different kettle of fish.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121201405#Comment_121201405

Lots of wisdom in this. thank you.

I've experienced something like this. Two of my childhood friends just dove head first into this nonsense. All they talk about is US right wing politics and conspiracies.

This went on for 3 or so years, non stop, messages on WhatsApp all day, every day. I asked them to stop and they would agree to and then a few days later it would resume.

As a consequence I had to cut them out of my life, despite knowing them since childhood.

I honestly think this behaviour is a form of psychological problem. It felt like they just couldn't help themselves, like a drug addict or something.

Anyway, to the OP, I think you're wasting your time tbh. Once people go down that rabbit hole there's no coming back. The person you knew is gone.

Dial Hard

Nope. I don't have to agree with my friends on everything - nor do I - but I simply couldn't be friends with a bigot. End of.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121204928#Comment_121204928

Thanks for sharing your experience; it's helpful to know someone who has confronted the same issue. It's interesting you mention psychological issues and addiction. This friend has battled a lot of mental health issues over the years, including a propensity to addictive-style behaviour (never been an alcoholic or drug addict, but been very into a number of other 12 step programmes wrt addictive behaviours.). It hadn't occurred to me that these two things could be connected, but you're so right, it dovetails with the vaguely obsessive / blinkered mindset which she has struggled with in other contexts. Thank you for connecting these dots for me.

It doesn't bode well, does it.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121204945#Comment_121204945

I guess a part of me was still hoping that she's not actually a bigot, that this is just a phase she needs pulling out from. I'm married to an immigrant. Two of her (former) best friends are gay men. One of her neighbours who she used to be close friends with first came to Ireland as an asylum seeker. I just can't believe that all these years she's been thinking these people - her neighbour, her friends, my husband - are awful and deserve the far right responses we're seeing today. I can't wrap my head around it. I guess in my heart, I'm trying to convince myself she's just going along with these narratives cos she went a bit nuts during lockdown (as many of us did) but then met a guy and this was the best thing that ever happened her, so she's playing along. But even as I type this, I realise how despicable this sounds. I think I'm answering my own question.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121205986#Comment_121205986

I doubt very much that's what she thought of them all along, but if she's gone far enough down that rabbit hole that she's marrying someone with the same abhorrent views then I really don't think she's ever coming back.

I think grieve for the person you once knew, and be open to rekindling the friendship if she ever comes back from the dark side, but I wouldn't be counting on it and I wouldn't be waiting on her.

Tork

It's likely she held some bigoted views to begin with, but they got amplified. When I think of the people I referred to earlier, they had beliefs that may have sown the seeds for where they ended up. They were a bit conservative to begin with and had been politically active (anti-water charges, union activism type stuff). They also were into alternative medicine and were fad-eaters. They'd be the sort of people who'd go gluten-free even though they didn't need to. That doesn't mean that you'll end up as a Trump lovin', everything-phobic, anti-vax 9/11 truther but that's what happened here.

I think we're going to be picking up the psychological pieces from the Covid pandemic for a long time yet. While most people have moved on with their lives, there are casualties. One set of them is the people who found their tribe when they went online. Your friend seems to have been a bit adrift in life and this anchored her. If she continues to be very active online, it's going to be hard for her to wean herself off that. This sort of activism is addictive for some people and becomes part of their identity. She's also caught in a trap of her own making. Even if she starts to waver in some of these thoughts, it's bloody hard to roll back from them.

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121206285#Comment_121206285

"Your friend seems to have been a bit adrift in life and this anchored her."

You are 100% right about this, and I hadn't thought about it this way. Thank you.

CamillaRhodes

A massive thank you to everyone who replied to this thread. It has been profoundly helpful. x

moonage

The things your friend has issues with are often legitimate and can be quite nuanced but you just slap a "neo-nazi / far right" label on her.

You say she's anti-immigrant, anti-trans, anti-Pride etc but maybe her issue is with the government's policies on these matters rather than hatred of gays, trans or immigrants.

During covid she was critical of lockdowns, masks and vaccines; presumably you more or less went along with the whole thing. Looking back, she had the better attitude and was probably closer to the truth.

You think she's entered into a crazy, deluded, hateful world but perhaps she would say she's starting to look at things more critically and is seeing how the world really works, while you're stuck in your >>MOD EDIT TO REMOVE OFFENSIVE WORD<< world seeing everything from your >>MOD EDIT TO REMOVE OFFENSIVE WORD<< point of view.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121204945#Comment_121204945

This exactly my view also . So rather than write a long post about how all people diverge as they get older, etc etc . I couldn’t be friends with a bigot. Full stop .

plus if they change their mind on supposedly core values that easily they probably never had any to begin with.

Goldengirl

Agree with Tork's responses.

And without getting into the political side of this the issue is whether you or her will ever feel truly comfortable ie. not walking on eggshells around each other, or as it appears from what you say, you trying to appease her.

Thats no basis for a real friendship.

However I would feel uncomfortable about cutting her off based on her Twitter account and what others have said she has done.

Your relationship in the past deserves one more attempt surely, even to see if there is common ground at all. Be clear you don't want to get into a battle about views and politics and just want to catch up as friends.

Over the years some friends that you have more in common with can be to the fore more than others at a particular time.

Other times that can get to be boring .

I have had politically active friends on the other extreme.. very left.. who didn't ' fit' with either my oh 's views or my friends' at the time, but I still loved meeting them and I would just put my hands over my ears if they got a bit much and the conversation and chat would be pulled back to 'medium spicy' as opposed to hot!

It kept me up to date with what was going on in their lives and vice versa, and was refreshing if sometimes challenging.

I find that while they have moderated their views as they grew older and I have become a little more vocal we are still good friends and enjoy each other's company.

Nobody ever got offensive though.

But I have always had different groups of friends and thats the way I like it.

You might still love being with this old friend even if you don't agree on everything. Even just having a laugh.

I would be more suspicious as regards the person who tried to dissuade you from arranging a meeting . Are you next for the chop if they hear you met up??

Sounds a bit controlling, imo.

Friends don't have to agree on everything but expressing openly anti gay or anti migrant views to people who are gay or migrant is an obvious no no.

But even though you have argued in the past I srnse you are conflicted about cutting her out completely

Maybe your relationship is based on something other than your beliefs? Or as you have said you feel she may be under the influence of this group or her fiancé?

Make your own mind up about who you meet or not.. Nobody else's business.

Who knows your old friend might need somebody to reach out a caring hand to her at this time or in the future.

You don't have to sacrifice your own values and beliefs, just let her know you are still there if she needs a friend.

Edit .Been getting " Bad Gateway " since Thursday and tonight I didn't think this post was going to post !

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121204945#Comment_121204945

^^ Nicely summed up. This would be my position too.

OP, I had to cut a friend off who went down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole. (Before Covid). Sometimes you just have to draw a line.

I personally wouldn't waste my time going for coffee with her, either, I think it would just be awkward, and her twitter will be on your mind the whole time.

Hannibal_Smith

Off topic side posts removed. Post above edited to remove offensive word. Posters are asked to offer constructive advice to an OP when replying to a thread.

HS

gormdubhgorm

It is funny I was only wondering to myself why women seem to really crave companionship and having 'great chats'. Now to my male ears watching women in the midst these 'chats' seemed to all about mannerisms and little cues rather than the actual content of the conversation itself. If female friends A and B were in mid conversation with female friend C. Suddenly when C leaves they discuss C, and analyse how they thought she was feeling.

It equally fascinated me and baffled me as male, as to me male companionship is completely different it is task driven - fixing something practical, or going to an event. Not discussion of themselves but events surrounding themselves - sports matches - DIY - family etc.

So I did an internet search on it.

https://www.dw.com/en/male-and-female-friendships-are-different-and-scientists-dont-know-why/a-62824177

Then I found an article about female friendships in female social circles, describing the benefits and so on.

https://www.healthline.com/health/womens-health/benefits-of-a-girlsquad-and-female-friendships

Apparently females are wired for it chemically. Companionship for women releases oxytocin which has a calming effect on women. Whereas men do not have much of this chemical they mostly have a flight or fight response when it comes to trouble. But women who are stressed seem to 'seek out' other women to 'fix' within a social support that is the gist I took from it anyway.

It is called the 'Tend and befriend theory'

https://taylorlab.psych.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/5/2014/11/2011_Tend-and-Befriend-Theory.pdf

"Moreover, the biological underpinnings of the theory would appear to be more consistent with what is known about women’s hormonal profiles than men’s. For example, oxytocin’s effects are enhanced in the presence of estrogen"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWxzXI69dac

Then I opened boards I saw was the OP's post and by it's tone guessed the OP was female. And it seemed to fit exactly into what I had just searched.

My take on it is the OP is looking to (in her own mind) 'fix' her former friend through friendship, so that the OP can feel good about herself in the attempt.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UiLOZqclSI

But I feel what the OP should be asking is her former friend happy where she is? (leaving the politics/personality traits out of it)

The former friend has a new life, new way of thinking, new husband, and permanent secure job. Maybe the OP should consider that her former friend is grand as she is?

And the impression I get is that the OP wants to attempt to rekindle the friendship not for her former friends benefit - but more for herself in some form of long since past 'emotional connection'. Or is it just curiosity?

However, I wonder if the OP's former friend is not too pushed about the friendship why, should the OP bother trying to crowbar herself back into her former friends life? The OP should ask themselves what are their own motives and what are they looking for by doing this?

It seems to me if women wanted to stay friends with each other they would make every effort to do so, because that is how women's social circles work. Tight knit emotional support networks. If women who were formerly great friends have lost complete contact for many years, it must be for a very good reason.

I would advise the OP to leave well enough alone.