Jealous Ex Wife Trying to ruin relationship

JealousExSydrome

Hi,

I'll try keep this brief as possible. Seeing my partner a few months now, we were friends first and get on like a house on fire. He is separated and I was single for a good while before we met. He has kids with his ex wife so has to communicate to co-parent. He's been nothing but amicable and patient and respectful towards her. Has the kids every weekend, pays maintenance and the kids are never stuck. She had an affair and has her new guy living with her. We took things slowly and I didn't meet his kids for a good while. We worked our night out once a week around when he didn't have the kids and now I spend time with him and the kids at the weekend. His is ex is being an absolute nightmare, constant new demands making life difficult moving goal posts. She tries to drag him in to conversations about the past, she makes derogatory comments about me and has messaged about 2am and tried to make it look kids related. She has asked him why he never asked her why he never asked her if she needed/wanted anything after a very small procedure she had done. She asks him to do things around her house for her. She is constantly threatening mediation and trying to make things look it's about the kids but always brings it back to our relationship and brings my name in to it. He agreed with her mediation might be the best option and as soon he did she back tracked and changed her mind and wanted to meet him for the day. He used 12 days holidays last year and minded the kids while she went on holidays with her new guy, he stayed in the old house with the kids. She event hinted at money from him to go on this trip. The day she came back he dropped the kids to school and was heading off as she had decided. We went out that day and he posted a picture of the scenery on social media. He got a message off her asking where he was and who he was with. He had decided to block her on social media and only wanted to communicate about the kids. She somehow made this my fault. He got a message off her a couple of weeks back because he didn't respond to a message at 2am saying "you need to get your b**ls back, sorry I forgot your under the thumb". If he speaks up to her she says to stop messaging him, that she feels bullied and harrassed.. This will be after her initiating contact and sending horrible messages. She'll send childish messages with kissing emojis and love hearts at the end. He's an amazing dad and this is basically the only source of conflict in our relationship as it's putting a strain on him and me. She's making life difficult for everyone after her ending her marriage and has even resorted to showing her two eldest messages between her and my partner. I get on well with her kids have tried making an effort with them. Brought the eldest for lunch over Christmas as she said she wanted to get to know me. I just don't know how best to handle this, i'm trying not to get too involved because i'm obviously emotionally invested and trying to be objective is hard but it's not fair she's trying to destroy our relationship and run me down when i've literally done nothing to her. I don't know how we're all going to be in the one room at his kids events etc. Any advice greatly appreciated.

CrookedJack

Op Firstly I would suggest editing your post to add some paragraphs and punctuation, making it more readable will make it easier for us to help.

As to your problem, I absolutely recommend you not getting involved at all in this. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation, all you will do is increase the stress within your relationship. Your partner needs to manage the relationship with his ex better. He needs to establish and maintain boundaries. This is not something you can do. Your job is to make sure your relationship with him is completely unaffected by her actions. As much as she might frustrate you, which I imagine is her intention, you are in control of how it affects your family.

Maintain your positive behaviour towards their children, never negatively speak about their mother, and never comment on their parents' break-up. There is simply no percentage for you in getting involved, all it will do is amp up the stakes.

You can and should be a support to your partner, but do that by making sure he knows that no matter how unreasonable or obnoxious his ex is you won't allow it to poison your relationship.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625093#Comment_121625093

Thanks Crooked Jack, sorry for the word dump. There's just a lot to process. I've haven't and wouldn't dream of speaking ill about his ex to his children. They are quite vocal about not liking her partner so maybe this is playing a part. It's just hard to witness the way she speaks to my partner also. I always try and be objective and understand there's two sides but I don't know another man that would be as peaceful and respectful and accommodating after what she put him through. I'm yet to hear a single person say much good about her and he's the biggest softy on the planet and lives for his kids. He struggles to put boundaries in place because she twists everything and will get nasty if he speaks up.

TheadoreT

You're in waaaay too deep for a few months together. Red flags all over the place here. Fact he was even with that ex would be enough of a reason to run a mile. Whys he letting you meet his kids so quick? That's very irresponsible of him.

Ridiculous amounts of drama anyway, surely you could find something better than this.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625220#Comment_121625220

We knew each other a good few months before I met his kids. The only drama we have is her harassing us. They were together since they were very young so I'm not sure if that's why he stuck with her.

Ubbquittious

He needs to start depriving that ex of attention. No more replying to texts, phone switched off after bed. Maybe even get someone else to pick up the kids if its possible

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625297#Comment_121625297

I had suggested this to him. She made snide comments referring to me as his "new one" when he stopped communicating outside the kids and said I was insecure and didn't want him communicating. She's that egotistical she thinks she's entitled to have him at her beck n call still. It's just bizarre because she literally has the very thing she wanted and destroyed her marriage for living with her and the kids but is still not happy.

Rubberchikken

I agree you need to step back and don't get involved in even the smallest thing.

Maintain your good relationship with his kids. He needs to deal with his ex in whatever way will work.

You are going to be emotionally involved..you like this man and he sounds a decent sort and probably the type.if guy who is trying to keep her inside for the sake of his kids and their welfare and happiness.

It's tough but hopefully things will work out soon. Only the ex can change the way she reacts to things and that may or may never happen..time will tell.

Good luck

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625326#Comment_121625326

Thanks. It is tough and I don't see her stopping. I hope i'm wrong. She's essentially using the kids as pawns at this stage because she can't have her cake and eat it. Mutual friends have said she doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625282#Comment_121625282

It's never going away though, she sounds a little unhigned to put it mildly. Calling it "only" drama is minimising what is enough drama to fill a month of Coronation Street episodes. And the man you're seeing chose to have kids with that woman.

Do you often seek out or find yourself in chaotic relationships?

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625352#Comment_121625352

One of the things that I love about him is he is zero drama to be around, he's very grounded and emotionally mature. We can talk about anything and we both communicate very well. We try our best to support each other and both have the same end goal to look after one another and nurture our relationship. I don't understand how they were together to be honest from an outsider looking in. I don't know if it was just the age they got together. They're very different, he's hard working, had his own business at one point. She's literally never worked a day in her life.

Ubbquittious

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625316#Comment_121625316

Its for his own sake he shouldnt communicate. Someone like that will only grind a person down if given the chance.

Dont let her use the kids as an excuse for contacting, theyll be grand!

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625381#Comment_121625381

She already did that. He was so down when we met. He was having suicidal thoughts at one point when he was with her. He's happy now and his friends and family have all made comments about how they're delighted to see him so happy. The grass clearly wasn't greener for her or she wouldn't be behaving like this but it isn't an excuse.

nachouser

You're not dating her, if she says anything negative about you, tell your partner not to pass it along to you. Same with texts. Have zero contact. If you're picking up the kids, stay in the car and just wave.

They don't appear to be divorced, so I'd be skipping family events at this stage too. Do your own thing with the kids.

Ubbquittious

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625344#Comment_121625344

She needs to spend a few weeks/months flogging a dead horse before she gives up at a minimum. If she tries to get in contact and its not just before the kids are to be exchanged I wouldn't even look at it or bother answering.

If he was doing a similar thing to her she'd be the first one running to the gards saying he is stalking/harassing

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625430#Comment_121625430

Exactly. I explained this to him too, if there were no kids you'd be filing for a restraining order. Asking to meet for tea is ridiculous. The problem is she keeps moving the goalposts for pick up time to get the kids. Then tells him he needs to plan ahead. He literally gave her a time to plan ahead and pick up and she said it didn't suit she wanted a lie in and she'd get back to him

Oscar_Madison

You’re constantly referring to “her” after getting multiple recommendations from posters to just concentrate on your relationship - you need to take that advice - you’re way too involved trying to solve a problem that in reality won’t be solved with your intervention so early on in your relationship with him - concentrate on building a strong relationship with him - it won’t end well if you get caught up in his family issues - and if he’s constantly talking about this he needs to stop and give this relationship with you a chance to grow - if you’re just caught up the whole time with what “she” is doing and saying your relationship won’t develop well at all

campo

I was in a very similar position OP and after some counselling, I was able to get out of it.

I messaged my ex to explain that for my own mental health, I will no longer be replying to her texts/emails or answering calls and that the only reason they would need to contact me is in case of a medical emergency with the kinds and barring that I will be collecting the kids at X time from X place each week and dropping them off at X time and X place.

The text kept coming but I just stuck to my guns and did not reply and believe sometimes it was hard as emotional tricks were played but I knew if I did I would only be going back to square one.

After a few months, she gave up and it's going on for 2 years now and I have not spoken to or replied to her since, I am in a much better place with my mental health thanks to it.

I would encourage your partner to seek some help as they will need the confidence and ability to do the same, otherwise, she will ruin your relationship.

Best of luck.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121625510#Comment_121625510

Thanks for that. I had suggested counselling to him but that he needs to do it for himself and no one else, not me, not our relationship but purely for himself and to work through everything he's gone through. It's near impossible for him to arrange anything with her even though it's the same day every week. She suits herself with everything. 12 o clock one day was too early. He is a lot more confident in himself to when we first met and realizes that she can't control everything. She will literally find every excuse under the book to contact him. She's ruined planned he'd made with the kids when he's supposed to have them because he told his daughter she'd bring her away. Now all of a sudden she's bringing her.

Hannibal_Smith

Thread reopened after discussion with OP

statto25

If your partner can afford it, I would be getting the ball rolling on court ordered access and maintenance agreement. I am in a similar situation and you can feel helpless. The process isn't a quick one either depending on whether both parties are willing to come to an agreement. An agreement will help remove another element of contact also and limit conversations to unforeseen changes or emergencies.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121634485#Comment_121634485

I hope he will take action. He still on some level thinks she holds court on everything. He mentions mediation and legal separation and it's always she has the cert, i've to hear back from her. I think he was in fear that she would stop him seeing the kids. I told him he needs to take his own power back that she should have no say on his life.

statto25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121634587#Comment_121634587

Believe me its not that easy to just detach when you're in fear of the response or losing access to the kids you love. He has a right to see his kids and be involved in their lives without the fear of a backlash. A court ordered arrangement would go a long way to seeing that happen. At the end of the day, you cannot change the person on the other side. You can protect your kids and yourselves.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121634692#Comment_121634692

I absolutely no that and so does she which is why she was waving it over him constantly threatening mediation when she didn't get what she wanted. He lives for his kids. He can't keep living in fear.

spaceHopper

He needs to establish boundaries, from talking to friend that is in the middle of this, he could get a court order that he has has them from 7 on Friday till 7 on Sunday and she can still break it and nothing will happen.

He needs to tell her I'll be there at 7 to collect them and then show up at 7 if it doesn't suit her that's to bad. If she tries tricks like not been there, at 8 leave and text her to drop the off at his place. She'll act the maggot once or twice but when she has to drive them or mind them all weekend and isn't getting the reaction she's looking for from him she'll soon cop on. Same with house DIY, that's her problem she needs to budget for repairs and either DIY it herself or pay somebody to do it - her new fella can chip in and help her. It's basically this https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121634755#Comment_121634755

She doesn't drive so can't drop them anywhere. She doesn't work. He's tried to make plans to collect and times don't suit. She's like a bloody spoilt child

Larbre34

Yeah none of this is a 'you' shaped problem.

Ignore the daft cow. If your boyfriend needs to adopt a new way of wrangling his ex-wife, thats a matter for him to address.

Remain firmly on the sidelines, let the Dad parent the kids, you be a ghost on those issues

I see sheep

She's never going to change, you'll just have to try to let it not bother you or break up with him.

ChickenDish

You will have to draw a line in the sand. This is not your battle, to be blunt either he wants a future with your or he can deal with the legacy of his failed marriage as a single man.

His ex can only carry on like this if she is allowed to do so. He only has to engage where the childern are concerned, anything else is just feeding her what she wants.

Things will not change over night and no doubt they could get worse before they get better. But with time and effort you partner can and should nip all this in the bud - both through legal avenues & not engaging (dont feed the beast). Should he allow it to keep happening, your life going forward will be over shadowed by this toxic person.

Your partner sounds like a nice guy, he just needs a little push in the right direction. His ex sounds like a bitter twisted individual with psychological problems.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121634795#Comment_121634795

We shouldn't have to live with it. Harrassment is harrassment. If it continues or gets worse he'll have to do something.

I see sheep

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635020#Comment_121635020

She's the mother of his kids, what's he supposed to do? It'll only make here crazier.

You should both just ignore her.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635020#Comment_121635020

How worse does it need to get? The arrangement as it stands doesn't suit your boyfriend and is impacting his life. It doesn't have to be this way. I'm not sure what you mean by she's holding the mediation card over him? He should go and instruct a solicitor, get their advice and regularise everything. What she's saying about you is nasty but it's your boyfriend's ex, you can't take her opinion of you with any great weight, she doesn't know you.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635058#Comment_121635058

I know. It shouldn't have to get any worse but how much can I say on the matter. If it was up to me he'd go see a solicitor and nip this in the bud. If she doesn't get exactly her own way and the attention she seeks she threatens mediation and creates problems that don't exist and makes it looks like it's about the kids. He agreed with her one day that yeah they should go to mediation and she changed her tune completely and wanted to meet him for tea.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635036#Comment_121635036

That doesn't give her the right to stalk his social media, verbally abuse him, message him at 2am, question where he is at times that are not kid related, play mind games. How can you ignore that. That's nothing to do with the kids. She doesn't want him and doesn't want anyone else to have him. It's not kids related she's just using them as pawns

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635074#Comment_121635074

She can't threaten mediation. Mediation is a good thing, if both parties are open to it. Its not something to use as a threat? Though they're separated already so all that needs to agreed surrounds the children. If your boyfriend doesn't want mediator help and doesn't want to see a solicitor then the situation stays as it is. He doesn't have to respond to the calls and texts.

I see sheep

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635087#Comment_121635087

What's your point though? She's crazy yeah I agree, she won't change.

He should block her on social media/why does he have his phone on at 2am? Anyway, he should block her phone number too.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635114#Comment_121635114

Which proves my point I think? He agreed to mediation and suddenly she didn't want to go but wanted to meet him and asked to go for tea

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635115#Comment_121635115

It was New Years Eve and we were awake having drinks with his family.

I see sheep

Last resort would probably be only communicate through his solicitor, but will cost money.

statto25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635126#Comment_121635126

She used mediation as a threat and when he agreed she backtracked. As the poster above said, mediation is a positive thing as long as both parties have the kids best interests at heart. However judging by your previous posts, she wont be easy to deal with. No judge will see a case unless mediation is at least attempted, or an attempt to arrange it is made but is constantly refused. A solicitor that deals with Family Law matters is needed here. The harassment isnt on but the only way to deal with that is to ignore it. If it becomes abusive and aggressive, then thats a different matter.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635126#Comment_121635126

All that does is remove mediation from the options. He wouldn't do mediation but she would. Then he would but she wouldn't. So what's the point of leaving it on the table which in fairness is of course between them. Your boyfriend won't go to a solicitor either. So the situation stays the same.

The other element is that you can't control the situation, it's between them. They're going to be in contact because they have children.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, with the greatest of respect to you, you need to back off. This is his problem to deal with. He will handle it whatever way he sees fit, and you either have to accept that and just go along with it, or you decide you cannot accept that and admit this relationship isn't for you.

You have absolutely zero say in this situation. The children have two parents. Their relationship and arrangements were established long before you arrived on the scene, and if you come in calling the shots, telling him what he should be doing then of course she's going to turn against you. She's going to think "who does this wan think she is?"

I sense your anger and frustration and dislike for his ex. Be careful not to turn into another version of her at him, giving out, pushing your opinion on him, poking him to do more/less. He is an adult man who is capable of making his own decisions. You might not like them but they are his to make. I'm sure he can figure out how to go about things himself.

And as said above you don't "threaten" mediation. Take a step back. Let yourself cool down. You are far far too invested. Things have a habit of working out over time. Just don't push things.

Dial Hard

If you're only seeing eachother a few months and you're already spending time with the kids then you didn't wait "a good while" before meeting them, sorry. It's very possible she thinks you were brought into the picture with them far too quickly and is reacting with hostility for that reason.

Either way, as others have said, you are far, far too invested in this. It's none of your business, quite frankly. Part and parcel of being in a relationship with someone with children - and I would say particularly one as short as yours - is knowing your place when it comes to the kids and arrangements with the ex. You need to butt out, to be blunt. He already has one woman making life difficult for him, he doesn't need you doing it too, even if you feel it's coming from a place of concern for him.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635342#Comment_121635342

We knew each other 5 months before I met the kids. She introduced them to new guy while my partner was still living there and had him moved in within a week of him moving out. Her parenting is none of my business just as much as my relationship with her ex and what he does in his spare time is none of her business. That's the crux of the issue here. She needs to know her place. This is not about the kids. She's making it about the kids when it's plain as day she has an issue with our relationship. Messaging after he'd spent nearly two weeks with the kids when she was away asking where he was and who he's with. Messaging him at 2am and then throws her toys out of the pram when she doesn't get a response. Our relationship doesn't affect his arrangements with the kids. We have our one night a week out Friday, he has the kids every Saturday and Sunday. She tried to "suggest" to him that he give his night out a rest at least once a month. What has that to do with the kids. She wanted him to look after her or see if she needed anything after a very minor procedure and gave out to him because he never even asked if she needed anything.Why would he. She has a new partner and it's not his responsibility unless she was laid up and needed him to take the kids that would be different. She tries to drag him in to conversations about their relationship, brings my name in to every single conversation. I haven't involved myself in anything, she's dragged my name in to it and i've remained civil and been respectful to his kids and tried to keep a good relationship with them. His eldest even said she's delighted to see his dad so happy. She's that egotistical that she can't fathom that he dare not be at her beck and call after she very nearly drove the man to suicide with her evil ways.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635296#Comment_121635296

His arrangements haven't changed. I never called any shots. It's not about arrangements with the kids. It's about her bringing my name up all the time and harassing him, she seems to know his whereabouts when we're out. She'll find excuses to message him when we're out. Not kid related at all.

Big Bag of Chips

You are FAR too invested. Your entire post is filled with "she" and "her".

I'll repeat again because you don't seem to be taking note: BACK OFF!! For your own sake and the sake of your relationship you are going to have to let a lot of the things you have mentioned above go. If your partner is telling you things she's saying tell him you don't want to know. Her opinion of you doesn't matter.

She can only affect your relationship if you let her, and it seems like you are absolutely letting her.

He had a relationship, they got married and had 2 children so she can't have always been "evil". You need to not let this affect you. If it's affecting you, then you need to consider is the relationship really worth the cost.

nachouser

"She needs to know her place."

She's apparently still his wife. There's a long road ahead.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/separation-and-divorce/divorce-decrees/

Good luck.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635875#Comment_121635875

So what if she has an issue with your relationship. If she does it's not personal to you, she'd likely have a problem with any relationship he's in. It's up to your boyfriend to address the boundaries with her. You sit back and leave them at it. Otherwise she's winning

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121635938#Comment_121635938

She stepped out of her marriage a long time ago and tried to keep my partner around for convenience and money. He tried to be amicable for the kids and as soon as he's happy and moved on she starts trying to cause issues for us

marilynrr

He doesn't sound like he's zero drama to be around like you said, why is he telling you every single thing she says? There's no reason why anything she says should be affecting your relationship.

She threatens him with mediation? So what?? She's not threatening to kill him or run him over. Let her threaten it and stop making out it's a big bad threat.

We have our one night a week out Friday, he has the kids every Saturday and Sunday. She tried to "suggest" to him that he give his night out a rest at least once a month. What has that to do with the kids.

Does he only take the kids for one overnight a week?

You said 12 o clock one day was too early for her...was he trying to drop them home on Sunday morning at that time? Because I would say that that is pretty early if he's supposed to have them on weekends.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, in situations like this you have to take a step back and look at the full picture.

He's a separated father. He sees his children at the weekend. And it seems he has them for only about 24 hours out of the week. His ex has the children the huge majority of the time. She's doing school, lunches, dinners, homework, bed time, she's dealing with tantrums. She's the one who has to remember tracksuit day, or world book day, or swimming or whatever else random day happens throughout the school week.

Do you have any contact with her? Does she ring you? If not, how do you know what she's saying about you?

You and him have your "one night a week out" on a Friday, and she has suggested that maybe once a month he gives it a miss, and presumably takes his children for the full weekend? Not an unreasonable a suggestion. You have 6 nights of the week to see each other. He is choosing to only spend 4 nights a month with his children. Hardly father of the year material.

When you're in a relationship that is a bit chaotic, it's easy to look outside it and blame everyone else. In a relationship the split up rarely has one person completely irrational and the other completely reasonable and sane and their good nature being abused by "evil ways".

You like him. You think he's great. Fair enough. He probably is, as a boyfriend. As a father he seems to be coming up a bit short. He needs to be offering more practical support to his ex with regards his children. Every weekend (but not the full weekend) and a few quid is the absolute minimum he can do. He needs to stop looking at the minimum and think what else he can do.

I'm not suggesting she's completely in the right. No doubt she's being a bit unpleasant. Can't say I totally blame her though. But he is not completely innocent in all this. Single mothers have a tough job. Weekend dads need to step up.