Jealous Ex Wife Trying to ruin relationship

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640015#Comment_121640015

If this is causing relationship issues then you two must not be a very strong couple. How are those things destroying your relationship?

Some of the stuff you're just choosing to get worked up and outraged over it. She text him at 2am....he could mute her, that deserves maybe an eye roll at most, not obsessively going on about it.

She 'threatens' him with mediation all the time...he should arrange it himself...you said he said he'd go and she changed her mind but he can make an appointment himself. She doesn't have to go but that would look good for him in court if he tried to arrange.

She thought he could have asked her if she needed anything after she had a minor procedure, so what? Why do you care what she requested?

I had far, far worse from my ex, but if a new partner was going on like you I would have thought that he was just as big of a problem as the ex and was jealous, paranoid and insecure.

I knew that you'd say "He'd have them full time if he could" even though he only has them for one overnight a week. You were right early on that you find it hard to be objective!

YellowLead

I’m sorry OP, but I have to echo the general consensus.

You met his kids way too soon. You shouldn’t care what she does - it’s between herself and your boyfriend, the child’s father. It’s never easy when parents spilt and have to navigate shared parenting. He shouldn’t be telling you most of this and you shouldn’t be directing your anger at her, you don’t know her. Regardless of what she is or isn’t doing right or wrong. The children come first here, not you. If you can’t handle dating somebody with children and the ex that comes with that, then don’t. If another person is capable of coming between a couple, then that couple aren’t right in the first place.

nachouser

Op, at this point, you've been given a good array of advice from some very seasoned posters on PI who have probably 100k posts between them combined. Maybe take a step back and re-read some of the advice given and see if any of it can be applied to your situation.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121640085#Comment_121640085

A friend of mine would have always said the same, I literally couldn't believe it when as soon as she met a new guy she was going on about the crazy ex who does this and that and he's not allowed to see the kids because she's 'crazy'. It's an unfortunate fact that some people ignore red flags once even a small bit of feelings become involved.

You said you prefer to know the good, bad or ugly about what you're dealing with, but you seem to have a very black and white view of it.

You say she's evil but you're not describing evil behaviour. You mention mind games but you don't describe any, and verbal abuse and you don't really describe any of that either....you just keep repeating about 2am texts and her asking where he is. If you had examples of evil behaviour you would have provided them but the examples are just minor annoyances you could roll your eyes at surely. She said 12pm was too early to collect the kids so you decide that that's her being difficult, maybe it just didn't suit. There seems to be a lot of confirmation bias going on where you think everything is just part of a big agenda to ruin your relationship and make things difficult.

Your partner could mute or ignore her, lock down his social media. Arrange mediation and get the contact times formalized. He's choosing not to, and you're blaming that on her and assuming that he has a fear that he won't because he's worried he won't be allowed to see the kids at all. You can't blame all of his lack of action on the ex, sounds like your boyfriend has a great support system around him but he's still choosing not to take action.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, are you asking your boyfriend what she's saying about you? You say you want to know the good, the bad and the ugly. Why? Someone else's opinion of me is irrelevant to me. Especially someone I don't know/have never met? I know it can be infuriating to think someone is badmouthing you. But no good can come from seeking out what's being said. If you pretend you don't know someone is giving out about you then you have the upperhand. Because you don't get involved in a tit-for-tat.

Your language here is very over the top and bordering on hysterical. Mention of "destroying" your relationship, her "evil ways", "threatening" mediation (not a threat!), "harrassing" him, her asking to meet the father of her children for a cup of tea to talk through their issues is seen by you as sinister.

If you are asking him to tell you what she is saying about you, stop. It doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter to your relationship. To be honest, the only one likely to cause a problem in your relationship is you if you keep going down this path. If you stay with this man, then like it or not this woman will also be a feature of YOUR life. If you want to be in a position in a few years where you are all capable of being in the same room together being civil to each other then you need to change your approach to this. Stop being so confrontational. Stop seeing everything as a confrontation. One person can't fight with themself. So even if she is being provocative and needling for a reaction if you and your bf don't react then it goes nowhere and eventually dissolves away. Keep yourself to yourself. Don't fuel the fire by discussing her with others. A phrase I heard here one time which is one I live by now - 'don't go half-way to meet trouble'. Stay away from it and it can't affect you. If you go seeking it, you will absolutely find it. In buckets.

marilynrr

Is she even saying anything that bad about you? All you mentioned was that she called you "the new one", said he was "under the thumb", that you were insecure and didn't want him to communicate. It's really not that bad. It doesn't even sound personal. She'd probably say the same no matter who he was with. I'm guessing that that's the worst of it or if not you would have mentioned all of it on here.

You said you wanted a civil relationship but you can't see how after everything she said about you, are you really saying you wouldn't be able to get over that stuff? and recognize that it wasn't really anything to do with you?

You came on the scene when nothing was formalised and they still haven't even been through the legal seperation. This is a time where people often behave in ways that don't exactly cover themselves in glory because they're human and a family breakup is a huge and monumental thing and it takes a lot of time to untangle lives. Often when things settle down people can go on to be civil and even friendly.

You say you hate drama which is why you're fed up of this situation, but by the sounds of it you're getting all hyped up about a small amount of drama and magnifying it. Sometimes the best thing to do to de-escalate drama is just to recognise people are human, they might be going through a tough time or loads of mixed emotions and let things pass over you and let it go.

Best thing to do is as @Big Bag of Chips and take a step back and breathe.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121645261#Comment_121645261

She went as far to send a message to my ex saying he called me names "according to you she's a psycho" if that's not trying to cause problems. I honestly believe she is dangerous. I'm frustrated with my partner for not being more proactive too and nipping this in the bud.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121653162#Comment_121653162

Why is your partner even telling you this?

This is ridiculous, you don't need to know any of it. Seems like your partner enjoys the drama too.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you know what's in her messages to him?

And she can TRY to cause all the problems she wants. You can't control her actions, no more than your bf can. But she can't actually CAUSE any problems unless you both allow her.

What have your other relationships been like OP? Relationships in general, with partners, friends, family? You seem determined to be in conflict with this woman. Even when you have the option of ignoring everything. She is the mother of his children. They will have very regular contact. If you can't handle that maybe you need to seriously consider if this is the relationship for you.

You also need to look to yourself and your actions. Consider your own relationship history. Is their a pattern ? I tend not to get too involved in other people's drama's. As a result relationships I had were pretty average. I've never had a big bust up with family or friends. I've never had confrontation with in-laws or exes. Even in school I never got involved in teenage bitchiness. Do you often find yourself in conflict situations? If so thenmaybe you need to find a way to change your mindset. Most people just get on with their own lives without much drama. Very few people live like you have described in your posts. You must be emotionally exhausted from always being in defense and/or attack mode.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121653162#Comment_121653162

She sent messages to your ex and he replied to her saying you're a psycho? Is that it?

I get that your partner is unburdening all this on you and you're trying to be supportive to him. But don't forget yourself in all of this. You need support too. Your boyfriend is being totally out of order telling you this. Tell him you don't want to hear any more about her or her actions. Ignorance is bliss as they say. If he's not going to take steps to nip it in the bud, that's his choice, but its your choice to not have to hear it. All its doing is causing you grief and its a situation you have no control over and that's a really unfair position for him to put you in.

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121653736#Comment_121653736

No she was giving out about me to him, when he defended me that was her response,

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you're ignoring the points people are making that you don't want to face up to or admit to yourself.

How do you know what's in her messages to him?

If he's telling you, ask him to stop.

If you're asking him, stop.

Knowing is not helping your situation. Unless you actually want all this drama and aggravation. If you don't want it, keep yourself away from it. If you want it then stop trying to pretend it's annoying you and just embrace the arguments and conflict it is going to bring you your life, your relationship etc.

You previously said you'd love to all be able to all meet at a event for the children and be civil to each other. I wonder is that really what you want. Because you can be civil, even if she isn't.

suvigirl

It's extremely easy to stay out of all the drama, but you seem to be drawn to it OP.

life is much easier and happier without it. Wouldn't you prefer if your time with your partner was just about the two of you? Forget the ex.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121654477#Comment_121654477

How does your boyfriend know this?

Are you taking any advice on board?

JealousExSydrome

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121655181#Comment_121655181

Know which? Sorry i'm confused.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121655268#Comment_121655268

Your boyfriend is the one who told you about his ex messaging your ex, right? Sorry, I'm a bit confused myself 😀

Big Bag of Chips

She went as far to send a message to my ex saying he called me names

This is what Hannibal_Smith is talking about, and I missed. She messaged your ex? Who then told her you were a psycho. He's your ex. He's probably glad to bitch about you. Same way as you and your bf are happy to bitch about his ex!

How does she know who your ex is? How was your relationship with him? Was it calm and conflict free?

JealousExSydrome

Sorry obviously a typo or didn't explain properly. His ex was giving out to him about me he. He defended me and that was her response. Trying to accused him of calling me names.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656676#Comment_121656676

That makes no sense really.

But anyway, I think you will have seen the pretty much unanimous opinion here that you are getting way too involved and interested in the ex. I think it comes from a place of insecurity on your part and a deep wish for this relationship to move fast and be everything you want it to be.

He will always have his ex in his life and regardless of how she behaves you have to get used to that. If you don’t like the way your boyfriend is dealing with it (if he’s the one over sharing rather than you pestering him for information then that is a faux pas on his part. But his faux pas is all that matters here for you, not his ex’s.) then you have to consider if the relationship ship is right for you.

JealousExSydrome

I'm far from insecure. Just sick of her constantly verbally abusing him, berating me and using his kids against him. Anyways I appreciate all the advice I really do. I was a good friend to him before we got together now I'm starting to think I was just a band aid. She's nothing but chaos but he married her. He took a new job miles away which was supposed to be only now and again away. Then yesterday found out its going to be a couple of months so will barely see me or his kids. Turned on me about her the other day. Maybe I was blinded and naive about everything he was portraying and saying to me.

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know what is in his texts from her?

JealousExSydrome

He showed me

Hannibal_Smith

Can I ask OP, when did your boyfriend tell you about this job? Have you asked him to stop telling you about the ex and her comments about you?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656937#Comment_121656937

Why did he show you?

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656937#Comment_121656937

Why?

JealousExSydrome

I knew he was applying for the new job and thought it was a good move for both of us. I was so happy when he got it. Knew it would be a couple of weeks every now and then but then he found out he'll be away for a few weeks now. Its a red flag if I'm being honest that he's so blazee about it.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656909#Comment_121656909

You went all in early doors before you got to know him. A few months is nothing.

It sounds like you need to take some time and figure this out.

JealousExSydrome

I think I need to walk away. His words aren't matching his actions

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656965#Comment_121656965

What do you mean you think you were a band aid and how did he go for the other day when you mentioned the ex?

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656976#Comment_121656976

Well then maybe he did actually tell her you're a psycho, and he got some sort of kick out of showing you the texts and hurting you by telling you she's saying awful things about you? It makes no sense that she would lie to him about something he didn't say.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656965#Comment_121656965

Why was it going to be a good move for both of you?

JealousExSydrome

I'd asked if she'd contacted him because I knew she would. He said no. The let it slip she had. Then turned on me for asking him about it. I was there to support him as a friend after a horrible separation before we got together now I'm just feeling like I was a crutch

JealousExSydrome

Because it was better than his previous job financially and career wise

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656909#Comment_121656909

Ahh I'm sorry he turned on you.

Maybe things would be better if you told him that you're not interested in his ex or anything she says. That you prefer if you and him are just you and him.

Without any drama, a nice calm fun drama free relationship.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657016#Comment_121657016

Stop asking him!

Why are you asking him if she contacted him? She will always be in contact with him. She is his kids mother.

Big Bag of Chips

Why did you ask him... if you knew she had?

Also - you knew him 5 months before starting to go out with him. How in God's name were you the friend "supporting him" through a horrible separation. You hardly knew him!

Why do you insist on bringing upset and drama on yourself? Why did you post here if you were going to not take 1 word of advice that anyone offered you?

What were your other relationships like? Were they as drama filled as this one?

JealousExSydrome

I know thar but she sends him random messages giving out about our relationship. Not kid related

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657016#Comment_121657016

Ah well look, if you were supporting him as a friend regarding the separation it could easily have bled into your relationship and that would have explained the oversharing.

But doesn't it sound/feel like a lot of hard work?

The oversharing of messages turning on you...now his actions aren't matching his words. I'd wonder what his motives are and like we've said before, does he like the drama? But doesn't it feel like a lot when it's not even your kids or marriage?!

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657060#Comment_121657060

And he seems to enjoy telling you about them. And on some level you also seem to enjoy hearing about them.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657025#Comment_121657025

But how does that help you?

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657060#Comment_121657060

He could ignore them and NOT tell you. Though it seems you are the one constantly seeking this information…

JealousExSydrome

Yeah I'm exhausted. I've seen a different side the past few days. Don't need the stress

Username here

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121657016#Comment_121657016

I'd asked if she'd contacted him

Seriously, what is wrong with you? The unanimous advice you've been given is to tell him to stop telling you about her, yet you're actively inquiring about this yourself?

What do you gain by asking him if she's contacted him, apart for the opportunity for more drama?

Zak Flaps

OP, you have been clearly avoiding relevant questions asked by many of the posters here. I'm beginning to think that you're afraid the answers will make you look bad.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd asked if she'd contacted him because I knew she would. He said no. The let it slip she had. Then turned on me for asking him about it.

Everyone who replied to you told you to stop asking him. And he should stop telling you. So maybe he was trying to not cause any more problems by telling you a white lie. What good was going to come out if him telling you she had messaged him. It was only going to cause trouble (like you say she is trying to do).

So he told a white lie to try spare you from the argument. Then he let slip and I'm sure you left him know that he had let it slip after already telling you she hadn't messaged him. Then he got annoyed at you for asking him about her contacting him - because he knows it will only lead to arguments.

Everyone here as said he should stop telling you. Everyone here has said you should stop asking him. You have been told that you will be the one to cause problems in your relationship if you continue. And now there's problems in your relationship because you keep pushing to hear what she's saying about you. He can't control anything she says or does. But at least he can try keep it from you and not allow it to upset you. You, on the other hand, seem determined to make this your problem.

I'm glad you're starting to see that maybe this relationship isn't ideal for you.

Have you ever been to counselling to work through why you seek out drama and conflict. I'm going to take a guess that this isn't your first problematic relationship.

spaceHopper

Are you having a relationship with her or him, stop asking about her. Don't get involved. She is his problem not yours. If you ignore her and he stops telling you about it she'll stop getting reaction and she'll eventually run of drama to cause.

The new job will be good for him, he'll create a bit of distance from her and have some space as well as more money coming in. Can you not go to see him or take some time off together

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656965#Comment_121656965

So you knew the new job would involve a few weeks away every now and then and were fine with it, but now that he actually has to go away for a few weeks, it's a problem???

Sorry, OP, but you're an absolute mass of contradictions. I think you have a *lot* of growing up to do. All of you do - this is a bunch of adolescent nonsense being manifested by adults who should all know better.

The poor kids. They seem to be completely forgotten about in all of this.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121656976#Comment_121656976

TBH I'm not surprised. I could see red flags all over him, one of those 'lives for his kids' types who only takes them on one night a week, complains about the mother not getting out of bed etc but doesn't try to share the load more or get more access/custody.. It's all words, no actions.

You've got a few harsh responses despite your latest updates, but I would say it's likely he's been pretty manipulative along the way and you've fallen for it like so many others do once they catch feelings.

By the sounds of it he wasn't in the right place to start a relationship in the first place, and going into it after being the supportive friend isn't the healthiest way for a relationship to start, especially when they're not even legally separated yet, this is all very much still ongoing!

JealousExSydrome

The job was to be 1 or 2 weeks every few months away. Not two months at a time. That's not a contradiction.

He sees them during the week after work when he can. He brings his eldest to work when she's stuck. He's doing his best with them. Nothing is ever good enough and I can see it going down a nasty road. I don't want that to happen for him which is why I'm so frustrated.

I'm just going to think long and hard about what's best for me because I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong anymore in this situation.

Big Bag of Chips

Would you consider standing back and just seeing how it plays out? Don't get involved. Don't ask if she's contacting him. Don't bitch about her. Just leave him to deal with her and his children and you concentrate on just being in a relaxed chilled relationship. Minus all the aggro and drama.

They are their children. Not yours. It's their marriage separation. Not yours. Take a big step away from all that. It's still very early days in your relationship. You don't need to be so intense.