Estrangement from adult child

Sheffsgirl

Hello! I recently became aware that this is a growing phenomenon. Adult children are 'ghosting' their parents. It seems it is being driven by the rise in individualism, the notion that parents somehow stunt personal growth, the current focus on childhood trauma and blaming and shaming the parent and the belief in the 'perfect life'.

I was relieved, in a way, to hear this. I was suffering in silence, in shock and disbelief, at the way I am being treated by one of my daughters, the mother of my two grandchildren. It causes me so much pain.

Sheffsgirl

Does anybody know of a support group on this subject? Anybody else experiencing this out there?

Widdensushi

I doubt it it's a new phenomenon,, people had more kids before, basically some spare for this and other situations.

Flinty997

Maybe post a link to where its claimed to be a "growing phenomenon"

I think it's as old as the hills. It just been rephrased, reframed as ghosted.

"...Instagram influencers, joined by an army of therapists, have encouraged young adults toward the view that “you don’t owe your parents anything,” and that “your first obligation is to you, and your happiness,..."

https://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/4104138-one-quarter-of-adult-children-estranged-from-a-parent/

Flinty997

I think using the Instagram metaphor people see Instagram and think their lives should be as perfect as the edited version they see in Instagram. This has been projected into parental relationships.

No one's perfect not least parents, not children.

noodler

I'd be wary of attributing your own personal circumstances to some questionable phenomenon.

Princess Calla

I don't think it's a new thing.

I think children used to be guilted into "you'll miss them when they're gone", now people are less willing to put up with emotional blackmail.

As someone who has a fairly limited relationship with her mother I'd be very interested to hear the daughters side.

It's sad when any relationship breaks down but sometimes you have to admit defeat and say this is not healthy, I've tried my best, I can't come away from every interaction drained and upset.

Flinty997

I think the modern version is people do it for very little or where no previous conflict at all. These days people are less likely to compromise on anything. Hence more conflict.

Sheffsgirl

Thanks everyone, for your inputs.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058339662/estrangement-from-adult-child

It's not a new phenomenon and the majority has little or nothing to do with parents stunting personal growth or "individualism". It's also not about a perfect life. If you listen to anyone who has gone no contact with a parent, it is not something they've done likely & usually it's taken years for them to do it precisely because it is so hard to do it & get your mind around it. There are always 2 viewpoints on a situation and oftentimes problem occur where a parent can only see theirs. For example "sure didn't little Johnny/Mary have a great time growing up with lots of freedom" but what the child remembers is parents not being around & an empty house, not freedom. Or cases where parents shared too much in relation to financial woes to children at too young an age & children feeling guilt when they needed to ask for something. While parents may not have seen anything wrong in what they were doing (& still might not), it doesn't mean it didn't cause long term problems for the child that they are still dealing with today.

I don't know your situation but if your daughter has cut contact or reduced it, has she said why? Has she referenced anything that you can think of that may give an indication as to why without it being explicitly said? And while your pain at losing that contact is valid, have you considered the pain that may have been caused to lead to this decision?

Ted222

Feelings change as time passes but they can change more than once.

Keep the lines of communication open- send birthday cards, the odd text etc.

It’s very hard to even consider reconciliation when communication has been broken completely