Confronting A Childhood Bully
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Im allowed disagree with your opinion and allowed to give personal inight/experience into how counselling can help past trauma associated with bullying
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It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
Terry Pratchet
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Join Date:Posts: 6506
Mod - @Annasopra @Anaki r2d2 please leave it at that.
As per the charter - Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.Not all advice will be the same, opinions will often vary, and the OP is free to take or leave any or all of the advice offered.
Thanks
Hilda4 -
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When you think about it, I reckon it feels like unsettled business because you put a pin in it all those years ago. Not that that's a bad thing, what I mean is the pin paused it and all you felt about it back then. You managed to move on with it in a healthy way to the extent that it hasn't poisoned your life and you've made sure that if anyone tried it in the future you dealt with it. Which is fantastic.
Seeing him has caused that pin to pop releasing everything it was holding back. Its not as if seeing him has destroyed you or your outlook. Its caused you a very natural and understandable time warp back to when it all happened. You could put the pin back in and doubtless all this will fade as it did before. But it will come back again. You could consider counselling and learn how to manage it when and if it does.
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OP you're assuming that this person has some capacity for self-reflection and empathy. Maybe he doesn't. He could still be a terrible person who gets by because he's good at hiding his inner nastiness. Be careful you've not worked out some Hollywood-like scenarios in your head, because a confrontation with him will almost certainly not go as well as you planned. You can't control what his reaction might be but equally, you don't know how you might react in the moment. Your emotions could boil over and cause you not to handle things as well as you'd like.
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Sure I'll share my experience. I was bullied by a guy when I was between the ages of 14-16. He was a little older than the rest of us and perhaps should have been in the year ahead. But he looked two to three years older than what he was bigger in size. It started one day on the bus coming back from a school tour. He was at the very back of the bus (being the bully) and I was about 4 seats in front of him on the inside. A fella I sort of knew was hitting me on the back of the head just messing, and when he wouldn't stop I turned around and hit him a good few hard ones as appropriate to make sure he'd stop. The bully noticed this and went up in the aisle. He would've been standing behind the guy who was messing with me. I noticed a smack to my head but it was very hard and when I turned around he was able to get back to very fast to where he was standing, leaving me confused as to who was doing it. His confidence gradually grew when he saw that I didn't get up to tackle him and as you can imagine what unfolded wasn't too nice. I've since realised that him being in that position (in the bus) made him seem more intimidating than what he actually was, as I (being seated) was lower than him. If I were standing next to him I'd have been slightly taller and would have found him less intimidating.
It was very unfortunate that I ended up in the same class as this guy for transition year and two other of his trouble maker buddies. I remember one of the my more intuitive friends pointing out that I no longer acted as cocky as before as I was now in their class. A lot of the others in the class were happy enough, essentially because they accepted their position in the dominance hierarchy. But I did not, leaving me unhappy. I remember one student remarking that I hadn't said a word all day. I knew I didn't have the courage to get my revenge by directly initiating something on him myself, but I was hoping that some day he'd give me an excuse to attack him. That day never came... not because he didn't hassle me, but because he'd sort out smart me one way or another. I should have really asked to have been moved class, but perhaps was too proud at the time. It ended up being a waste of a year which I regret. At one point during that year I was doing class work on the board, and the teacher called him up to the board to write some stuff after me. He ended up being out of space and had to stoop lower. When he walked back to his chair he walked down a gap that I was in and I knew something was coming. He hit me 2 to 3 slaps on the head as he passed… just because he'd being forced to write small writing on the board. Another time when going up the stairs in the school he grabbed the back up my upper leg when he was behind me and then laughed about it. Funnily this exact thing happened about a month later and I turned around ready to kick the living crap out of him, but it was just one of my friends messing. It really hurt every time I listened to the Tom Petty song 'Won't Back Down' as I knew that's what I was doing. Over the holidays months my confidence would grow with me thinking "yeah I'll take that fcuker next time I see him", and then the crash back to reality when I'd be back to school with me not being able to put my finger on why it was I wasn't able to stand up to him. I've even had thoughts about killing this guy over the years. I think it caused my opinion of people in general to fall… seeing how so many people can witness something and stand back and do nothing. As in your case everyone laughed at you when you fell on the ground. I'll often think about people I meet these days in terms of "who would that person have been if they were on the bus that day when they were a teenager?".
I remember in my early 20s I was doing bar work at some event and he tried to trick me into thinking he'd already paid or something to that effect. I remember trying to call him out and him saying "it's not my fault if you're too stupid to...". He got away with it. Later that night I was walking on the phone and when he passed me he gave my arm a nudge and said "straighten yourself up Sean". I went away thinking to myself that if only it wasn't for the fact that I was distracted that I'd have attacked there and then. I really don't know if I'd have been capable of fighting him if it came to it. In any case there was just something very intimidating about his presence. I do remember that when we did the bleep test that he was the very first male who was out of it. So I don't know what that would mean in the context of a fight.
I did also have another bully in the later years of secondary school who I managed to get my revenge on in the end. He'd make degrading comments and try to belittle me in public. And like with you he made a very degrading sexual comment (not quite as bad as yours though) towards me. It was when I was walking past him one day in the car park as he was waiting for his brother and I had broken my arm a week before. He made some sort of insult towards me (forget exactly) and finished it off with "I would **** the sh1t out of your sister though". Not being able to fight him with my broken hand I didn't know how to handle it and just walked away. He probably thought I was too scared to take him on. His presence really annoyed me and he could make himself look really evil and intimidating. I was waiting for my moment around the halls between classes. I was beginning to wonder if this idea of me being able to get him back was realistic. Anyway one day he taunted me and I attacked him... starting with a punch to the face. He fell down and let out a scream which was apparently heard from the other end of the school. I had to be dragged off him. I took satisfaction in that I got a proper punch in... well timed and as efficient as it could've been. Over all it felt really good and brought me a lot of closure. I got suspended for it of course. I did actually shout at me in public once or twice since and then eventually grew the fcuk up so he doesn't do that anymore. Perhaps I was luckier with that I was thrown a good opportunity with this. Maybe if I'd been thrown a good enough chance with the other guy I'd have fought him… who knows.
As regards the other demon of mine, I've never told anyone about it. Upon reflecting on it, I definitely learned a lot about myself in terms of how one's principles can clash with one's gut instincts, and how to overcome your gut instincts and therefore not end up living with a stinging memory. Whenever I see someone picking on someone else who goes too far, I will usually speak up and make my points known regardless of the status of the person doing the bullying, or what it will mean for me long term. Life is too short to leave this sh1t slide. I am not afraid of potentially being out witted like the rest are. If I hadn't been bullied in the past, I'd be just like the rest, who you see caught off guard in these situations. A few years ago I saw this guy in a shopping centre and was able to hold my head and look him in the eye as I passed him. That was hard for me to do. We didn't say anything to each other, but I would've blanked him.
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One thing you need to consider OP: We all know adults who are dickheads. Just unpleasant people that we avoid. These people don't tend to start out as lovely friendly children and develop into arseholes. They're usually the school bullies. They usually don't care what they do and to whom. They just go about their lives thinking only of their own amusement.
I'm sure there are some school bullies who redeem themselves and turn in to reasonable adults. For many that cruel nasty trait is in them, and it's their go-to response. So I'd guess if you confronted this fella, there's a high probability that you won't get the outcome you hope for. If anything he's likely to laugh it off telling you it was great craic and expecting you to agree with him. If you point out how badly it affected you then, and still affects you now all you are doing is letting him know he still holds power over you.
As best you can you need to ignore him. You might not bump in to him. If you do you can either walk on as if you didn't see him or give a curt nod of the head without breaking stride. Far too busy to stop and make small talk.
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Again, thank you everyone for your advice and for sharing your own experiences.
I took the weekend away from the forum here. I think posting has helped. It's been the equivalent of writing the proverbial letter to the bully. Most of you have indicated it'd be a waste of time and to be honest, I didn't think about it over the weekend at all.
I'm guessing it's just the fact that I seen the guy brought it all back. So for now, I'm going to do nothing. I'm also going to (try) not give any thought to any potential encounter arising as that's just putting it out there. The other side of it is I'm not afraid of bumping into him, if it happens so be it.
If I have a similar spotting and feel the same, I'll organise counselling. I think I'm allowed feel the way I did but If it's going to feel like that every time I'll need to take steps to manage it.
I'd ask mods to please leave the topic open for now as there may be more at a later stage. I can update accordingly, may prove useful for someone else in the future.
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I believe karma will get those kinds of people.
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This is one of those "helps some people but doesnt help other people things" but you might consider doing a bit of jujitsu.
Now I am one of those people who has a tendency to recommend Jujitsu almost religiously at the best of times anyway :) So take this with a pinch of salt. But there is a reason I mention it here.
You quite graphically discussed earlier there feeling and memory of being helplessly held down and fed grass to the point you felt like you might never breath again.
As a Jujitsu teacher I have had students come with exactly those kind of memories and traumas and emotions in their past. In some cases literally word for word the same as yours. And one thing about Jujitsu is pretty much from day 1 being held helplessly on the ground - often in a way that makes you feel you can't breath - is standard.
Which means some people relive that trauma a bit and never come back. It is not for them. But what I have found much more often than not is that as they experience that sensation more - it exorcises many of the demons of the remembered trauma. And as they more and more get put into that position and learn and execute the escapes from such positions - it makes them feel more liberated and enabled and that education becomes part of an overall process of confronting and recovering from what bullies left them with emotionally all those years ago. A higher competency learned today allows a kind of retrospective reframing of the experience back then.
It would most likely not hurt to try it. And the first time you train in such positions it might "Put you back there" so to speak and maybe you would not want to go back to the school. But I have seen more times than I can count people work through that and come out the other end of some training having let go of a weight they did not even realize they were carrying all those years later. Sometimes we do not feel a weight until it is lifted.
Other than that - I think you have most likely come to the right decision and conclusions here. And I hope it works out for you in the long term. All the best going forward!
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A lot of what i'm reading here sounds like standard teenage boy stuff to be honest, i went to an all boys secondary school and that kind of thing went on every day. Im not saying it was ok but i think people are taking it too personally. For all you know the bully might not even remember who you were which may make you feel worse.
As others have said bullys sometimes have worse stuff going on in their own lives, or are sometimes just dicks, but there is probably only a 10% change you get an apology and a 90% chance something bad comes of it. Be happy with your life now and forget about him and anyone else that is irrelevant to you.
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A lot of what i'm reading here sounds like standard teenage boy stuff to be honest
100% Disagree with that. It should never be accepted.
Thanks for the nice post there, food for thought. Though I will say in respect to the incident in question there were others involved, don't think anything could've gotten me out of that situation.
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He sounds like a guy who would benefit from some manners being put on him
Mutual benefit
I was mercilessly bullied when I was twenty in a workplace while overseas but the bully was female so not much option for dealing decisively with the problem , the weird thing was that the trauma didn't arise until months after I left the job , had a profound and seismic lasting effect
No way should you have to carry this burden so unload I say , I found out years later where this person worked and managed to get an email sent to her , low and behold she replied, I deleted her attached letter and replied that I wasn't seeking a response and that a weight had been lifted by my letting her know, I felt not reading the attached letter from her was empowering, I then closed the temporary email account I set up so concluded any correspondence
These are inherently bad people with a nasty nature , hurting others makes them happy
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cant really help, but take from this story what you will.
I had my own bully torment me between ages of about 8 to 12 (start of secondary school) … on & off … he would thump me, take my stuff, belittle me in front of his friends. He came from a rough family at the other end of our estate. We were in same primary school class but when I went to a different secondary school to him it eased up. But we still saw each other on the estate. When I saw him coming I would usually run the other way. Sometimes he chased me. After college I got a job in Dublin and left the small town behind me. Fast forward 20 years and on a visit home with my kids, I am walking around all my old haunts (as all good dads do - "there used to be a park here" etc), and I see him with his kid, feeding the ducks. He looked old & small now but I recognised him straight away and got butterflies in my stomach. But there was no fear there anymore (I was more confident now) . I was tempted to say something to him along the lines of "you were a bully / Im glad you are stuck here / hope your kids get treated like you treated me / etc" But I realised I had nothing to prove. I turned away and havnt thought of him until this thread. He might have mellowed. He might be a d1ck raising another bully. He might cry himself to sleep thinking of all the kids he mistreated. I doubt it. Whatever …. I didnt care anymore.
old proverb - the best revenge is to live well
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Just my 2 cents OP which I'll keep short.
I was recently at an event with some school friends, one particular guy who always picked on me. He started the same craic and name-calling as if he was still 18 which I ignored, because had I reacted in the moment I would have been seen as the loose cannon.
What I did was leave it for a couple of days until I rang him, and asked simply, and calmly, is there a problem and a particular reason why he humiliated me repeatedly in front of people. He was utterly shocked and utterly apologetic, blamed it on the gargle. I had to do that to let him know in advance I wouldn't be having it next time.
Long story short you have to gauge each situation. I wouldn't approach your tormentor unless something happens, as it doesn't sound like you know him all that well as an adult. You've actually beaten him already in life given you didn't let it effect you, so I don't see the point in digging it up now. **** him and enjoy your wife and kids.
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OP I'm sorry you went through this, and seeing your old tormentor brought back painful memories. Sometimes it's hard to know whether to confront them or leave it be. As some other posters said, living your best life is the best revenge. You may think about councelling (if not already) to get some closure. In my opinion, if you do see this person or bump into him, ignore him, blank him and continue on your way. He has no control over you and never will. Live your best life. Best of luck
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