Marriage is over. What do I do now?

DialecticAspirations

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122148112#Comment_122148112

I'd second this - avoiding therapy is not good advice.

Anyone can benefit from a good therapist, regardless of their life situation.

Separately - on the BJJ : be careful with this, unless you're already physically conditioned over the years for this kind of activity, it can easily cause injury for an older beginner (I know from personal experience). My advice would be to check out more than one gym in advance of joining any; be on the look out for warning signs like a lack of focus on safety, ego driven instructor or culture, or all members being young and physically big (= survivor bias). If you can find a gym that has some older guys who are members, that would be a good sign, and you could maybe ask them some questions about the club/injuries/safety etc.

I wish you all the best!

Akrasia

Started the BJJ class on Monday and it was a lot of fun but I didn't have the stamina to last till the end yet (sat out the last 25 mins of grappling)

Gave me some good motivation to work on my stamina and core and my shoulders are a weak spot from a previous injury I had 20 years ago, so need to get them tighter too, but looking forward to next Monday.

RoboRat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122168291#Comment_122168291

Mate, stick with it and it can change your life. I'm speaking from experience here (12+ years doing jits).

Just take it easy and stay away from the mundial types - ie, those who think they're competing for gold every time they roll. You'll find people who suit your style and stick with them - never be afraid or ashamed to say no to a roll if you don't trust that person. Don't focus on belts, focus on enjoying it… don't focus on the destination because you will miss out on the journey. Get flexible - BJJ is like folding clothes with the people still in them!

Regarding my own personal journey, I played football at a high level. It was my life and then one day I obliterated my knee in a match and football was taken away from me. I went to a bad place and broke up with my girlfriend who I felt was the one. I was in a job that I hated and I just kept spiraling downwards. I wasn't suicidal, but I was angry about everything and had 6 months of really bad insomnia - every night I spent looking at the back of my eyelids. I went to a doctor and counsellor and started trying to put myself back together. I started going to the gym and getting back in shape. I reduced my drinking and my overall mood improved, but I still had a huge hole that football left.

A few years later in 2009, I started training in MMA. I liked MMA but I really like the BJJ aspect. I started to just focus on BJJ and it has led me to a very happy place. As someone already pointed out, BJJ is like a TV series that starts slow, then gets engrossing. It can be immensely frustrating at the start, but if you stick with it, it's well worth it and it becomes very addictive.

I hope that you get what I got from it, and I hope that it helps you on your life journey.

With the shoulders, if you can swim, that's what you should do. I have found no better sport to help build up the shoulders than swimming - and it's great for cardio. It's a very good complementary sport to BJJ.

JoChervil

OP, if you don't have stamina yet, maybe you would try Tai Chi first? The best part in it is QiGong for me. These exercises help to restore and rebalance our energies. I find it very useful especially in emotionally challenging situations. I know nothing about BJJ but I suspect that it also is using QiGong in its warm up part as other martial arts do.

I know that it heals heart hurts and grief much faster than any therapy would do for me.

Rigor Mortis

Sorry to hear your story. Focus on things that make you feel better about yourself. Nothing too superficial. Stuff that improves you.

One other bit of possibly needless advice, but dont forget to make time for the kids. In the midst of dealing with your own stuff, remember that they will be struggling with the new reality.

Best of luck

dogbert27

Are the kids aware of the current situation?

You said in the original post she has left you and it's been a month but you say that the arrangement with the kids is that you are a week in the house and she goes to her mothers and then you will go to an uncle when she's in the house.

You're amicably discussing the kids and finances.

It sounds like she's controlling this process and you're going along with it, probably for the sake of the kids and you don't want the negative situation, i.e. you're still friendly and you are hoping she will change her mind at some point.

Has she filed for divorce yet? If not when does she intend to? After she gets you to agree to everything that she wants to happen going forward?

As much as people have advised a therapist I would consider talking to a solicitor with regard to your situation.

You mentioned it already but the finances are going to hit you and as asked, are you both intending to sell the family home and buy your own houses?

Will there be enough equity for you both to put down a deposit for a mortgage and will your individual incomes be enough to get mortgage approval? If the answer is no then be prepared for her to claim the family home with the kids (until the youngest is 18) and you will have to be the one moving out and finding your own accommodation.

From your posts you seem to be accepting the current situation that she is creating and making everything very comfortable for her. As you said, it's confusing that she can still sit across from you smiling, laughing and joking when she is the one that is ripping your world up.

You're focusing on looking outside to close the gap that she has created, i.e. social interactions in your town, wondering when to start dating again but at this time you need to look inwards and work on being okay with yourself and your own company. Read more, learn more, if your current work will not provide the income you think you'll need start looking at what's out there to make more income with your extra time.

Educate yourself on the divorce processes in Ireland and what your rights are. As there are many martial arts references in this thread already, it's better to be a warrior in the garden than a gardener in a war.